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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp still sulking over conspiracy

236 replies

Abbeywell79 · 08/05/2021 07:36

I had a thread on here yesterday which got pulled as it appeared some conspiracy nut jobs took it over and I was concerned dp might come across it.

There were so many helpful posters on there who I tried to say thank you to before it got pulled but ran out of time. I just wanted to say it here because that thread really got me through a very tough day.

As an update, well not much to report. He’s still not home so I relented and sent him a message last night saying the children miss you perhaps you could let us know your plans. He replied saying he hasn’t had much sleep (my heart bleeds) and he would be in touch tomorrow (how kind).

I never again want to see the disappointed look on my children’s faces when they realised daddy wasn’t home. If he so much as tries the woe is me card today I will tell him to grow the fuck up and get back home and deal with his responsibilities.

This probably doesn’t make much sense to anyone but needed to put something down.

OP posts:
giletrouge · 15/05/2021 08:20

Also worried.
But I recognise there may be many reasons not to update. Too much going on or no longer finding it helpful.
But yes, worried.

ConfusedAdultFemale · 15/05/2021 08:28

@giletrouge yes, million and one reasons not to update. But also worried too.

Daleksatemyshed · 15/05/2021 08:54

Hopefully no news is good news. @Abbeywell79 I hope you're safe and well, it would be good to hear from you just to know you're OK but if you don't want or need to post then take care and good luck

Original poster
Abbeywell79 · 15/05/2021 09:25

Sorry for the silence but thanks for all the messages it really is appreciated.

Difficult to summarise but he’s home, he’s not a danger to us, he’s very very depressed and is seeking help. He’s very sorry and wants to do whatever is best for the children. He understands I’m angry. We haven’t made any decisions yet, and neither have I to be honest, just going to keep talking. That’s really all we can do for now.

I have sought legal advice and have the solicitors direct number if I need to put anything into action.

OP posts:
Horehound · 15/05/2021 09:26

Do you have low self esteem?

Original poster
Abbeywell79 · 15/05/2021 09:36

@Horehound why do you ask that? I’m assuming you’re disappointed that this hasn’t given you the dramatic conclusion you were hoping for and that there couldn’t possibly be an outcome where the two adults can calmly discuss their situation without resorting to hysterics, the police, social services, solicitors etc.

I do sometimes wonder whether people forget this is real life in here, not an episode of eastenders.

OP posts:
Original poster
Abbeywell79 · 15/05/2021 09:38

And in answer to your question, no I don’t have low self esteem thank you. I have no intention of taking him back as a partner just in working on a solution that is going to be the least distressing for our children.

OP posts:
BishBashBoshBush · 15/05/2021 09:39

People who are very very depressed can still be dangerous OP. Sometimes as they begin to recover or have a less miserable day they have the motivation to do something horrendous, due to their depression. I really don't think him being in the house with you is safe for him, you, or the children.
The timing of this with Bojos announcement yesterday is very coincidental too.
He needs urgent referral to mental health services. Keep your phone in your pocket and be prepared to call the emergency services.
Please listen to me, my dad tried to kill me then took his own life when he was like this.

SelkieBe · 15/05/2021 09:40

They do forget that.

I think you've come across as a very self-aware person (ie, aware of the level of communication your parents can handle) and yet you've been honest and reassured them that you're strong while you have been truthful with them. Not an easy thing to get right!
You're aware of what's acceptable to you and you're not sticking your head in the sand, you're not in denial, you're not projecting! I think you're handling these incredibly difficult circumstances really well.

You've come across well on this thread imo.

Horehound · 15/05/2021 09:41

I ask because after everything he has out you through and what you were saying earlier on in the thread it seems strange to just be like "he's depressed, we've talked, will see how it goes".

He is using depression as a tactic to keep you. He will still believe his loony conspiracy theories, he has deserted you and left you to take care of the children and you had no idea when he was coming home.

No, I do not expect dramatics but If someone doesn't have low self esteem, they would leave. You seem to have pretty low expectations.
Remember you thought it was all a bit better a few days ago, he seemed better then boom lo and behind he got drink and started up with his bollocks again.

You've got your head in the sand, I'm afraid. No need for dramatics at all, in fact, he's made it very very simple for you...

Horehound · 15/05/2021 09:42

@Abbeywell79

And in answer to your question, no I don’t have low self esteem thank you. I have no intention of taking him back as a partner just in working on a solution that is going to be the least distressing for our children.
I see.
Original poster
Abbeywell79 · 15/05/2021 09:55

@SelkieBe thank you

@Horehound but it’s so difficult to get across every single element of what’s going on so I appreciate I’m only going to get answers based on what I post.

Because of that I guess you’ve assumed he’s staying here, that I’ve let him in the house, or that I’ve let him be with the children on his own. That’s my fault for not saying that he isn’t and I haven’t but like I said earlier, It’s difficult to summarise so I just put the main points up.

I’ve had some incredibly helpful advice from this thread, I may have been minimising things over the last few months but I know I can’t do that any more and will be making some tough decisions but none of it is going to happen overnight.

OP posts:
Horehound · 15/05/2021 09:57

Ah ok, fair enough. I really do hope it works out for you and that he seeks the help he needs.

giletrouge · 15/05/2021 09:59

Glad you're ok OP. From what you've just said it sounds possible that he actually has come out of his delusional state, even if only temporarily. That is both possible and might be really important in terms of making intelligent progress in the situation. You sound like you know what you're doing to me.
I'm very glad you're ok. Flowers

madroid · 15/05/2021 09:59

So terrible advice on here.

Your husband is having a mental health crisis and needs urgent assessment and referral.

You can call his GP, mental health crisis team or even an ambulance.

Forget arrangements for the DC etc. Now is not the time. This is a mental health crisis and needs professional help.

Very hard on you OP but I think the manifestation of his mental health state - the delusions/conspiracies are irrelevant. You just need to focus on getting him help. He may need to be sectioned if he won't agree to treatment. But that is a last resort.

Daleksatemyshed · 15/05/2021 10:06

Well it may not be the drama some people were hoping for but I'm very pleased that things have calmed down. He's obviously in a very bad place mentally, if he can be "deprogrammed" and get well it will be much better for your DC. He needs to know this is a dealbreaker and it doesn't commit you to anything in the future. Good luck to you

Original poster
Abbeywell79 · 15/05/2021 10:11

@madroid he has been speaking with a family member who is a mental health specialist - apparently he’s told them everything he believes and they’re helping him

OP posts:
MintMatchmaker · 15/05/2021 10:18

Has the family mental health specialist also spoken with you? If not, is it only him telling you that he’s told them everything?

Thecatsawinner · 15/05/2021 10:19

Op is the family member that you refer to treating him or referring him?

OhTinnitus · 15/05/2021 10:37

OP, you don't owe people here a detailed description of your situation and it's not fair of people to assume they know more about your husbands condition than you do.

Would your husband agree to speak to a GP, with you there to witness the call? It sounds like he really needs professional help from someone unbiased and unconnected to the family.

DianeCherry · 15/05/2021 10:52

I'm so glad that things are at least calm for you OP and I hope you work through it and find a solution

crackingcrackers · 15/05/2021 11:34

@Abbeywell79 so glad to hear he's open to working on it. Does this mean he understands that some of his beliefs have crossed a line? Or is the depression he's getting treated for? I guess it all blurs into one anyway. I really hope that he continues to work on it and that his recovery goes well. It must feel like there is some light at the end of the tunnel.

Don't forget yourself in all of this if you need to talk to a professional about how this has affected you. I've been in a similar position, although to a much lesser extent. It escalated so quickly that I felt like I'd had the rug pulled out from under me.

Wishing you all the best.

HDDD · 15/05/2021 11:39

I'm glad some of the posts here have helped you, and I hope they continue to. You do sound very calm and I wish you well through this. You owe us nothing, but I'm glad you came back with an update. I have been worried.

ConfusedAdultFemale · 15/05/2021 11:51

I’m glad you’re ok OP, I really hope he manages to get some help and you all stay safe in the mean time Flowers

Alcemeg · 15/05/2021 11:54

[quote Abbeywell79]@madroid he has been speaking with a family member who is a mental health specialist - apparently he’s told them everything he believes and they’re helping him[/quote]
@Abbeywell79, thank you for the update. I can understand you being fed up at feeling like EastEnders!

My only caution about this situation is "apparently he’s told them everything he believes."

Paranoid delusions tend to go hand in hand with keeping most of them secret.

Presumably your family mental health specialist is well aware of this, but people experiencing paranoia can be really expert at minimising and disguising it to others.

The guy I was involved with, after trying to kill a friend whose online avatar he felt was communicating secret messages, turned out to have sackfuls of scribbled nonsense at home, all of it completely psycho. If he hadn't written it all down, we'd never have guessed that was going through his head because he could act more or less normal and was very clever about self-censoring in conversation.

He also managed to trick a mental health nurse into signing him off as normal.

Good luck with a horribly difficult situation.