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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp still sulking over conspiracy

236 replies

Abbeywell79 · 08/05/2021 07:36

I had a thread on here yesterday which got pulled as it appeared some conspiracy nut jobs took it over and I was concerned dp might come across it.

There were so many helpful posters on there who I tried to say thank you to before it got pulled but ran out of time. I just wanted to say it here because that thread really got me through a very tough day.

As an update, well not much to report. He’s still not home so I relented and sent him a message last night saying the children miss you perhaps you could let us know your plans. He replied saying he hasn’t had much sleep (my heart bleeds) and he would be in touch tomorrow (how kind).

I never again want to see the disappointed look on my children’s faces when they realised daddy wasn’t home. If he so much as tries the woe is me card today I will tell him to grow the fuck up and get back home and deal with his responsibilities.

This probably doesn’t make much sense to anyone but needed to put something down.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 14/05/2021 08:09

@Abbeywell79

Yes I’ve got screenshots of all the crazy messages. I resisted sending my rant to him and relieved I did, I know it’s driving him mad that I’m not engaging with him.

What’s bothering me now is how the logistics will work. Whilst it’s good that he’s so far away during the week it actually makes it harder when deciding how to move forward. If he lived up the road it would be easier to say well you can come and see the boys x nights a week and every other weekend but the only way he’s going to see them is by coming here and staying over (thankfully we’ve got a summer house he can sleep in but the atmosphere is going to be crap).

I just want to avoid getting solicitors involved as it will just get nasty (and expensive).

I feel so sick and am shaking at the thought of what today might bring. Going to go shopping this morning and treat myself to some nice things once I’ve dropped boys off otherwise I’m going to get myself in a state and I need to be calm and confident for later - that’s a good enough excuse for shopping isn’t it?!

He can stay in a Premier inn or Travelodge overnight.

Do not let him stay in the house or summer house - you’re still minimising this.

I know you are thinking right now that your kids need to see him and you need to facilitate this. You don’t.

Your kids need protecting from him. And they need you to do that.

HazelBite · 14/05/2021 08:44

OP I would worry that his behaviour could be completely unpredictable, so you must be on your guard.
DH has a friend who believes covid doesn't exist, won't have (or let his partner have) jabs, however he has always been a bit of a conspiracy theorist, although not been a zealot about it and has not alienated his friends and family over it, who all indulgently roll their eyes at him.
What you are experiencing is something else and I am concerned for you and your DC's . Please stay safe Flowers

airforsharon · 14/05/2021 08:51

I really would recommend seeing a solicitor so you know exactly where you stand from a legal pov. Many offer a free half hour consultation.
Also echo advice to have someone either with you when you see him, or 'pop in' ehile he's there. Consider recording the conversation on your phone too.
Best of luck for today

CovidSmart · 14/05/2021 09:08

but the only way he’s going to see them is by coming here and staying over

Please do not have him in your house! Even if it’s the summer house.

He is not stable and you really don’t want him in your own space every other weekend or whatever the arrangement would be. Your house needs to be your safe space. Nit somewhere he can go in and out as he pleases ‘because of the dcs’.
He will have to find a way to see his dcs wo staying at yours.

CovidSmart · 14/05/2021 09:10

And I second going to see a solicitor. You need advice on what to do when dealing with a ex that is getting but the only way he’s going to see them is by coming here and staying over threatening and is mentally unstable.
It’s not your run of the mill separation. Don’t treat it like it is.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/05/2021 09:15

I'm another who thinks you are minimising the danger he represents to you and the children @Abbeywell79. I get it - he's your husband, you think you know him and how he'll behave - but if you're wrong, the results could be - well, horrific.

" ... says he loves me but knowing that I’ve been injected with a bio weapon means he’s having to reconsider things. There are so many ridiculous things in there, how we are at world war 3.. "

This is not a man who is thinking rationally. His behaviour will not be rational. To be blunt - he could consider you a danger to his children and decide to do something about that. He could consider his children to be 'contaminated' and a danger to him. You cannot know just how far this mental breakdown has pushed him away from who you think he is. It might be easier if you think of him as a total stranger who looks very like your husband, because in essence that is exactly what he is.

And as a stranger spouting what he's spouting, he is a danger to you and your children.

I really think it's come to the point where your primary thoughts should be of protecting yourself and your children from him. Things like letting the school know that he is not to be allowed to pick the children up (I know he works away, but what's to stop him not going into work one day and heading back?). Not meeting him alone. All contact with the children to be supervised, preferably by someone big and burly.

I'm so sorry, but I really do think this is the situation you've now reached.

GelfBride · 14/05/2021 09:40

I would not be letting him near my children and I would be looking to get him sectioned quite honestly.

Bellringer · 14/05/2021 10:08

C'mon op wake up. This is not going to be ok, it could end up on the front page after a disaster. Contact social services, there needs to be a risk assessment. Protect your children

GelfBride · 14/05/2021 10:22

If it was just you and him I would be meh about all this and just crack on with my day ingnoring the fruit loop stuff but with kids in the mix I would be getting advice from other agencies and I don't mean his parents and friends. Get angry and a fuck tonne more scared. Stuff like him saying he needs to know what vaccine so he can plan is next move would have me going to the police and SS and making huge waves.

Alcemeg · 14/05/2021 11:12

Having had a relationship in the past with someone who had paranoid delusions, I just want to add my vote to the "Be very careful indeed" side.

What he says out loud is probably just the tip of the iceberg.

The full extent of his craziness might become apparent when you least expect it.

Take care OP Flowers
Better safe than sorry.

pointythings · 14/05/2021 11:30

I'm also adding my voice to the 'be very careful' brigade. I really don't think it's safe for you and the DC to be with him at home without one or more others present to keep an eye out/raise the alarm if needed. Paranoia can make people do things that are completely out of character for their normal selves, and you don't know what your OH has been doing with himself during his time away.

giletrouge · 14/05/2021 11:33

I also think you should take care OP. Been following your threads. He might be harmless or he could go full on crazy and try and take the children from you etc. Please be careful. Flowers

JustLyra · 14/05/2021 11:34

@Abbeywell79 I think you should seriously consider speaking to someone like Women’s Aid or another charity with experience of this sort of thing.

Given the potential seriousness of it (he sees you as a biological weapon) and he’s clearly manipulating (suddenly learning the nursery app to off guard you) I think you need professional guidance to help keep you and your children safe.

litterbird · 14/05/2021 11:35

@Abbeywell79.....please please listen to what others have said....do not let him near you or your children. He can stay elsewhere and you can facilitate a contact, if you must, in a safe place in the open and you must have a family member with you at all times. I know you think you know your husband....he isn't who you think he is. He may have a plan he is forming to make you feel safe and let your guard down. I dont want to open the Daily Mail to see something horrific has happened. Dont down play his delusions....they are paranoid delusions and can have serious consequences.

Whythesadface · 14/05/2021 11:43

I was just going to post becareful he isn't here to remove your children. If he thinks your a weapon he might think he is protecting the children.
Keep someone around with you when you meet him, do not let him near the family home.

OhTinnitus · 14/05/2021 11:55

I just wanted to add that unless this is logged with the relevant authorities, presumably he is going to be able to have unsupervised access to your children?

I agree with a previous poster that this may be the tip of the iceberg in terms of his paranoia. I have some experience of knowing someone who succumbed to these ideas and they were believing much crazier stuff than they shared with others.

Obviously it's impossible for us to know him like you do, but it can also be difficult for loved ones to see and accept the extent of mental illness sometimes.

Good luck OP, you're doing so well to get through this. It sounds like you've basically lost your husband, yet had little time to grieve for the loss.

DianeCherry · 14/05/2021 13:11

OP I read your last thread and commented there before it was taken down. I agree with PPs and would be really careful about letting him have access to your DC. If he really believes this stuff who knows what he might do? At least until you have the measure of this, keep DC away from him and make sure you aren't on your own with him either. I hope you find a way through this, such a difficult thing to go through

randomkey123 · 14/05/2021 13:20

I'd bring SS into this now, to be honest.

They can help you keep the children safe.

The reality is that he's a risk to them, and I know that's a terrible thing to have to acknowledge.

CliffsofMohair · 14/05/2021 13:56

@justawoman

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

It does sound as though you’re still minimising things and trying to present a facade of everything’s ok, though. I really think you should have someone with you when you meet him (could your parents come and be in the house, in another room? Or a friend?). And that you will almost certainly need to involve a solicitor at some point if he doesn’t come to his senses, which seems unlikely.

You have no idea how he will react but he thinks you’re a danger to his children and in his kind that could justify all sorts of things. Please, please do everything you can to keep yourself and your children safe.

Christ yes you absolutely do need a solicitor. If he has PR there is nothing the school or nursery can do to stop him leaving with them.
CliffsofMohair · 14/05/2021 13:59

OP don’t fall into the (understandable) trap of thinking you can deal with this by yourself. This is no different than being brainwashed by terrorists. It requires specific psychiatric intervention. Engaging Social Services would demonstrate you are keeping the children safe. If he ever removed them from you there would be a paper trail at least.

Pompom2367 · 14/05/2021 14:05

Op with how unstable he is I definitely think you need to see a lawyer xxx

giletrouge · 14/05/2021 14:09

Hoping you're ok. Flowers

Lsquiggles · 14/05/2021 15:40

You need to speak to a solicitor and think about the future you want for your boys. I would be hesitant to agree to equal custody as the more time he has with your children the more time he has to manipulate them and poison their minds with his nonsense. You need to be firm and not let him stay over, that is already blurring boundaries and confusing things. If you've moved to be away from him (because he to some degree SCARES you) then you need to follow through with that decision, he's not welcome in your home and he should find his own accommodation - he's a grown man and you owe him nothing.

TeapotCollection · 15/05/2021 07:45

I can’t be the only one who’s worried about the OP and her children ☹️

HollowTalk · 15/05/2021 07:57

I'm worried, too.