Dp still sulking over conspiracy

[Abbeywell79]

I had a thread on here yesterday which got pulled as it appeared some conspiracy nut jobs took it over and I was concerned dp might come across it.

There were so many helpful posters on there who I tried to say thank you to before it got pulled but ran out of time. I just wanted to say it here because that thread really got me through a very tough day.

As an update, well not much to report. He’s still not home so I relented and sent him a message last night saying the children miss you perhaps you could let us know your plans. He replied saying he hasn’t had much sleep (my heart bleeds) and he would be in touch tomorrow (how kind).

I never again want to see the disappointed look on my children’s faces when they realised daddy wasn’t home. If he so much as tries the woe is me card today I will tell him to grow the fuck up and get back home and deal with his responsibilities.

This probably doesn’t make much sense to anyone but needed to put something down.

I’m so sorry you weren’t able to talk to your family.
That does sound really disturbing OP about him needing to know what vaccine you had to make his next move. Sounds like he’s checking this out with conspiracy friends.

If you have no other friends nearby to contact then you really do need to report this to someone. Can the police help? Is there a shelter near you if necessary? It just seems concerning that he keeps hinting that you’re a threat (“weapon”) to the children, and where that could lead. He really sounds quite unwell.

Op, if you are set on seeing him PLEASE make sure the kids are elsewhere and someone knows you are meeting him and that he's acting irrationally.

Based on the latest update I think you need to consider outside professional help as a matter of urgency.
Regardless of whether your family chose to take this fully on board since their reach will be limited to emotionally supporting you and practical aspects of now things will change

I can understand why you feel you are struggling. This is an awful lot to deal with and you can’t do it alone

Okay, here’s some info on getting help from Women’s Aid charity. I know he’s not done anything physically (yet), but if you can talk to a professional then they can advise you on your safest option.

“A Women’s Aid support worker can search for current vacancies via the Live Chat service (available 10am – 12pm weekdays). You also can call the Freephone National 24-hour Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
Many refuge organisations have public contact numbers, and if you want you can contact these yourself (see the Women’s Aid domestic abuse service directory, or look in the telephone book for your local Women’s Aid organisation or other domestic violence service).

You can also contact refuge organisations through the Police, the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90 (UK) or 1850 60 90 90 (ROI), social services or the Citizens Advice Bureau.

You should be able to go into a refuge on the day that you call. You can’t usually book accommodation in advance, nor will you always be able to find refuge space in the location of your choice.

If you decide you would like the Helpline to arrange refuge space for you, you will be asked for your name (you only have to give your first name if you prefer) and the ages of any children who are with you.

You will need to give a telephone number on which you can be called back when accommodation has been found for you. This can be a telephone box, as long as it takes incoming calls, or a mobile phone, or it could be at a friend’s house, a health centre or any other safe place where you are able wait for any return calls.”

Just seen Mumsnet has a list of even more links at the top of this page,too.
You’ve been doing an amazing job of keeping calm and rational, but it’s much better to be over cautious and protect you and your children.

I didn't see your thread yesterday but I feel for you when your family is determined to ''keep things light''. Sounds like my own family.

What are you supposed to do when what's happening isn't light

I'm sorry to hear that your family haven't been much help. I think you need to start talking to other people as he is fully delusional. GP, school/nursery definitely. For advice and so that it's on record. Ask school/nursery about safeguarding and whether they'd recommend ss involvement. It needs to be logged somewhere that he is not fit to parent in this state. Keep all messages. Get a solicitor and forward all messages to them.

As for talking to him about delusions, you are not meant to acknowledge the delusion as that compounds it. Ignoring it also makes it worse as they grip on to it even harder. You can talk about feelings related to it, ie "I am sorry that you are upset, but this is our situation and we need to find a compromise" kind of thing. No language that addresses it directly. Hear him out by all means, but neither confirm nor deny the delusion. Tricky, I know. Perhaps call 111 for advice on how to talk to him about it.

I am very sorry, but i am almost certain that he isn't going to be reasonable. Please be safe.

"I’ve not told anyone what’s going on yet (apart from the nursery manager yesterday, poor woman she didn’t really know what to make of it all!) as I want to gauge where dp’s head is at which hopefully I might get an idea of today if he bothers trying to make contact again."

You need to start telling the people around you. You may not know where exactly his head is, but you do know that it is not anywhere near the right place. You need to start getting support in place, and that involves telling people what's going on. Stop protecting him.

You might need to stress to your family that it is urgent/important you talk.

I think if you forward the message he sent you to a few people close to you they will get the full measure of what you're dealing with.

Thank you all so much for your support and advice. I’m taking it all on board.

I know that my family will be really upset that I kept this from them for so long but honestly I’ve been so fed up of being the one that always got things ‘wrong’ (eating disorder in my teens, depression in my 20s, divorce in my 30s) when my sister has been with the same guy since she was 18 (like my parents) and has the most wonderful happy family and I finally thought I had that and now I’m going to have to tell them it’s screwed up again...so shit

Anyway, the good thing is he’s 200 miles away, I know I’m not in any immediate danger and I’m focusing on what I’m going to do with the boys tomorrow. I’m trying so hard not to lose it in front of them but I had my moments today.

Sorry, this is turning into a pity party but it does help writing it down. Going to head off to bed with some true crime and a couple of cats and tomorrow is a new day.

Just take all the conspiracy crap out of this, do not engage with him about that.
I'm sorry but this relationship is dead in the water. You should just say no need to waste time considering things, this relationship is not working and we need to discuss our separation and how to parent the children.

I really do not see you both coming back from this. You both played ignorance to each other for 8? months and everything was fine but that's not realistic. It's just not addressing the elephant in the room. Now it's time to address it.

Call his doctor and maybe police about mental health assessment. Not joking.

Sorry to keep replying but it really really is not your fault. You need to tell yourself that. He’s ill, that’s all. People do get ill.
I’d hope you wouldn’t feel you’d failed if he had an accident, was laid up in hospital for a week and you needed to ask family to help you. This is no different.

Have a good rest, & if he does turn up in the night/morning, please don’t let him in.

@Abbeywell79

I’ve tried reaching out to family tonight - nothing specific just to ask if they were around to talk but I got the brush off. My family has a history of ‘keeping things light’ and ‘no dramatics please’ so it’s not going to be easy but I am spending time with them next week and will just take a breath and tell them what’s going on then.

In the meantime he’s sent me messages saying it’s important he knows which vaccine I had so he can decide his next movements. This the first time I’ve actually felt a bit threatened so I have obviously not replied and when we speak tomorrow I will make it clear I am not doing this over WhatsApp messages and will not tell him what I had.

Starting to struggle a bit now I think, I was hopeful we could come to some sensible agreement and he could stay with us at weekends in the summer house and still have family days out (naive, I know) but it seems like a button has been pressed that’s just opened the floodgates for him not to hide all this stuff any more.

Sorry, missed this .

OK, so they brushed you off - but all you'd said to them was to ask them if they're around to talk, maybe you need to be a bit more up-front.

How about a message to them along the lines of

'Just to keep you up to speed - [husband]'s mental health has deteriorated significantly, he's knee-deep in conspiracy theories and my getting vaccinated may have pushed him to a crisis point. I may have to remove myself and the children from him, at short notice.'

No it's not 'keeping it light' but it is keeping them informed, and gives them a heads up.

Anyway, the good thing is he’s 200 miles away, I know I’m not in any immediate danger and I’m focusing on what I’m going to do with the boys tomorrow. I’m trying so hard not to lose it in front of them but I had my moments today.

@Abbeywell79 Please stop making assumptions about your safety.

200 miles is not a far distance - it's less than three hours in most cases, and that assuming he is exactly where you think he is and not with any of these internet friends.

@WhereYouLeftIt

Excellent advice.

That message is so good thank you @WhereYouLeftIt I’m going to use that

@Abbeywell79 sounds like it's easier for your family to insist everything's fine regardless of whether it is or it isn't than to let any difficult emotions come to the surface and deal with them.

And you sound like the 'foil' in the family. You feel everything and deal with it which is healthier, but you end up labelled emotional

Just tell them what's going on but keep insisting you're fine! You're just reporting the facts!

Hopefully your friends can listen and be more supportive. xx

OP I don’t scare monger but his message to you worries me that his solution to the bio weapon ie you may be to harm you to get you away from in his eyes harming the DCs. I think he’s dangerous and you should be getting in front of the police to show them his missives and get a panic alarm or more based on their advice. Also you have to tell your family

I believed every conspiracy theory going when I was very ill with psychosis. It happened very gradually over several months and by the time I started talking about these conspiracies to others, I was pretty far gone.

My DH got me psychiatric help via the GP and I made a full recovery.

From what I remember from yesterday's thread, he could well be having a similar experience and needs to be assessed. The mere mention of mental illness will not go down well at all.

Like PPs have said, make sure you and your DCs are safe. Most people who know me would be utterly horrified if they knew that I had planned to kill DCs, but in my mind it would have been the right thing to do to keep them safe.

And sod the keeping it light with your family. They need to know just exactly how serious the situation is. I'm so sorry that you're going through this x

OP, if it helps at all, one of the reasons he might be asking about the type of vaccine is that there is a very misguided belief that some vaccines are particularly dangerous. So, for instance, some think that the Pfizer or Modern contain alien DNA (this is complicated--there are biopharmaceutical treatments that have amino acids that are called 'alien', but it has absolutely nothing to do with Mars and everything to do with amino acids not inherent in the original DNA). Others think that particular vaccines 'shed' and cause people standing near you to be infertile or even to be demonic. It's all very, very, very wrong, but that's probably why he's asking.

Here's the main thing: none of this is your fault. None of this makes you a failure. I entirely understand what you're saying and why you might feel that way, but it's another way that these beliefs harm you: they make you feel isolated, ashamed, and alone. You are entitled to feel however you feel--but none of this is on you.

OP, one more thing: the reddit group a previous poster mentioned has a page with resources and weblinks. This might be helpful to you: www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/wiki/resources

It really is much larger than you think it is. It's nothing at all to do with you. I'm so sorry.

Sorry you are going through this. I didn’t see the other thread so am trying to piece together what actually happened.

If you have concerns that your partner might be going through a psychotic episode I think you need to get some advice from a mental health professional ASAP. Could you contact your GP, Mind or 111 for advice and outline your concerns? If there are concerns that he may pose a risk to himself or others an emergency MH assessment will need to be carried out and he could be detained under the MH act. This kind of mental health illness is treatable but does require intervention otherwise things could spiral. Sorry if that sounds scary, as I said I haven’t seen your original thread so just wanted to make sure someone said this if it is the worst case scenario.

I agree with PP that you should also get some support for yourself by informing a family member or trusted person. If your partner is seriously mentally unwell then it’s not his fault and getting him help and yourself and family support is the immediate priority over seeing a solicitor etc.

If you become really concerned could you and the boys go and stay with a family member in the meantime?

Sorry I think GP is probably the first place to try before mind. If it’s out of hours and can’t get hold of someone but there’s no immediate risk of harm 111. If there’s an immediate risk of harm (to himself or others) 999 every time without question. I hope you’re ok please confide in someone in RL.