I need to let him go, don't I?

[moochooser]

I'm in a relationship with a man I love and admire very much. Before we became a couple we were best friends and I feel we know each other inside out. Everything should be perfect, but it isn't sadly.
Maybe it's because I'm in love for the first time since my marriage ended, but I appear to have a tendency for self sabotaging relationships and pushing him away. I think I'm afraid of getting hurt or rejected, so I push him away before he can do the same to me.
When we're together we have so much fun. He makes me laugh, he's interesting and clever. Plus I fancy the pants off him.

BUT he's got an extremely forceful personality and it causes so many arguments between us. For example, last night he decided on a film for us, I said fine and we settled down on the sofa to watch it. Half way through I commented that I struggled to enjoy films with the much loved actor in them anymore after the allegations of sexual harassment. What followed was a massive argument simply because he didn't agree with me. I'm fine with him disagreeing, but I can't tolerate him shouting over me, victim blaming, accusing me of being drunk and unreasonable (when he'd drank far more than me) and just acting like a complete jerk. He does this regularly. Talks over me, refuses to let me have an opinion, berates me for being 'wrong' and lately has had a go at me for 'trying to be woke'. I'm not particularly very 'woke' whatever that means, I just have my own set of opinions and think they should be given the same weight as his.
On a weekly basis now I'm finding myself saying to myself 'that's it, I'm done! This shit is making me miserable as fuck' but then I always find myself making excuses for him and so we carry on. It's shit. I can't see that we're compatible when he has such a domineering personality and I'm not the type to be his doormat.
I know I need to let this relationship go now but I can't. Does anyone have any advice, or words for me that will give me the kick up the arse I need?
It's so sad because I care for him so much and I want him to always be a part of my life. Just not like this.

I am afraid so. There is no respect coming from him at all. You are early expected to now down to his superior opinions.

This can't work. I'm sorry

God, one night of that would be enough for me! Keep your memories bright, OP. This man is incredibly disrespectful.

You say 'I need to let him go' like it's a sad or bad thing.

Get shot of him, he sounds like an unpleasant bullying prick, then rejoice in the freedom to have your own opinions!

These are exactly the things I need to hear, thank you. I know in my heart that I'm just prolonging the agony now, but I can't seem to walk away. 🤷‍♀️ He's like this with everyone, as far as I can see. He's just extremely hard work and opinionated.
Yesterday, whilst we were walking along the street arm in arm I mentioned 'white privilege' which was completely in the context of the conversation he'd initiated. He stopped walking abruptly, sighed and said 'don't say that crap ever again'. Almost like I'd disappointed him with my stupidity. I was like 'wtf? Hang on pal, you don't get to tell me what to think or what to say, and you started this topic of conversation'. Anyway, I couldn't be bothered with arguing so I let it go after I'd told him not to speak to me like that. We carried on with our day. Then later on he sent me a link to Jordan Peterson 'debunking white privilege'. I was a bit and so I didn't watch it, I just commented that I'm not interested in what JP has to say on the topic when he embodies exactly what I'm talking about. My boyfriend scoffed at this, and I said that I don't care for the opinions of a man who's previously 'debunked' feminism too and told women to basically wind their necks in. URGH. Maybe I'm the one being difficult in this particular instance...I just got so annoyed that he was belittling my opinions yet again.

He sounds like q massive bore/twat/bully.

Urgh he's just a fucking bullying mansplainer. Please please have a think about why you're struggling to walk away from this arsehole. If a stranger talked to me that way they'd get my pint on their shoes, never mind someone who is supposed to love me!

Its not you, its him. He behaves abusively towards you and he is the one being difficult.

He needs to be out of your life like yesterday.
Why is it you cannot walk away; you were not put here to be someone's rescuer and or saviour. This is his responsibility to deal with (which in all likelihood he will not), do not let this become further yours. Women are not rehab centres for badly raised men so do not become his.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.
What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see your dad treat your mum like this, what happened to you?. What are your boundaries like in relationships?. Are you a people pleaser?.

'Debunking' feminism. Ick. Say no more.

Run for the hills.

I've walked away from men in the past for not being nice about feminists because if a man feels the need to talk disparigingly about women who champion womens rights, chances are he doesn't like women in general.

This one is already showing you this. He doesnt think you're entitled to have your own opinion.

And he makes you feel 'less than' for respecting the rights of others. He lacks empathy. He is an empty, angry person who wants everyone else to be as empty as him.

I'd tell him straight 'unfortunately our views are not compatable and seen as I am an individual human being and not a fucking mirror. This isn't working for me. So we're over. I'll post you any stuff you've left at mine. Dont let the door hit you on the way out'.

What sort of man feels the need to break down a woman's defences by making her disbelieve in feminism? I mean, please. Get shot.

You may have been great friends but you've found out that he's a fucking horrible partner.

It's a shame, but you can't change him, only you.

My dad was volatile and abuse towards my mum, sisters and I growing up. I wouldn't describe myself as a people pleaser at all though, and I've always had very healthy boundaries in my relationships against all the odds thanks to my childhood.
It's just THIS man. It's like he's got under my skin and I'm hooked. I've never experienced anything like this before. I think he holds my interest by showing me how great he can be, then brings me crashing back down to Earth with his shitty behaviour.

I don't think you're self sabotaging this relationship OP. It sounds like the main issue is that he is an angry, misogynistic twat who can't admit he could possibly be wrong about anything.

He's a woman hating shit, an abusive bully and you just 'can't' split with him? C'mon, you're a grown up! Start behaving like on, get rid of him before you entangle yourself with him and get your kids involved in his abuse.

'This relationship isn't working for me anymore and it's time I moved on, so I'm ending it.' You can message him that or text him, you don't owe him anything else.

And stop bloody dating until you do some serious work on your self-esteem because right now you're a sitting duck for abusive twats like this.

He sounds like extremely hard work, in fact he sounds bullying/abusive.

You should end the relationship.

Adduction to the highs and lows (and the oxytocin from sex) can be weaned off; need to stop spending time with him and shagging him.

You're not compatible.

I can't imagine who he'd be compatible with actually. Perhaps a mannequin.

Bin.

Sounds like you have no intention of binning him because you believe this is some sort of special and 'in love'. The rest of us just see a garden variety abusive cunt of a man who targeted a woman he can abuse more and more. There's nothing special about this and it isn't love.

And showing you how great he can be is exactly how abusers keep you hooked.

And so on the cycle goes......on and on for the rest of your life.

I don't see that you're self sabotaging at all OP!

You are quite correctly 'pushing him away' because he's an arse who won't let you have an opinion that differs from his. That's not self sabotage, that's self preservation.

Just get rid before he crushes your personality.

Oft, Jordan Peterson? This man will never respect you op.

This is helping me to see what's really going on here, thank you all.

I've tried to end this relationship so many times now, I think he thinks I'm just 'having a wobble' and he always manages to talk me round. I'm almost scared to message him today and tell him it's over because I don't want to be talked round again. Maybe it's just better to block, I don't know. I'm sad to lose such a good friend though...he was awesome in that respect. Just so fucking shit when it came to being a partner.

What exactly are you getting out of this? That he can be nice when he’s not being a massive prick? Doesn’t sound too enticing, personally. Don’t allow him to belittle you any longer. Just dump the insufferable git.

Well, of course he was a good friend. He was hiding the real him until he's reeled you in good and proper. Now you've seen who he truly is, and you very definitely want no part of it!

Dump, block, be made magically happier by cutting this sack of shit out of your life.

I ask this gently.... but how do you admire him so much when he's so challenging?

I don't know what I admire about him exactly. Perhaps his intelligence (although his emotional intelligence is laughable) and I definitely admire him professionally. Plus he has a really sharp wit which I love. So many things to love about him. But so so many to hate.

Also, another thing that makes it difficult to move on is that my children adore him. He's been part of their lives for years now, first as my close friend. They would be heartbroken to never see him again.
Is it even possible for us to be friends again though? I highly doubt it.

Try and imagine yourself free of having to watch what you say, and being undermined daily. Keep on thinking about that and tell yourself that you deserve better. Be strong, life on your own for a while may seem grim ........but also liberating, enjoyable and so much better than your life is now.
Give yourself an hour today to make a clear plan, and act on it very soon. You can do this.