Page 3 | I need to let him go, don't I?

Templetreeee · 07/05/2021 12:02

@moochooser

Something has happened to me during the course of this relationship. It's like I'm addicted, and I know that sounds pathetic, but it's true. The feeling I get when my phone makes that noise it makes when only he messages, and conversely the feelings he elicits in me when he's ignoring me. I don't understand why I'm finding it so hard to walk away. Before him I dated a guy who turned out to be a complete knobhead. The scales fell from my eyes when he called his ex wife a 'nutter' and said she was crazy. I had no problem whosoever telling him to fuck off and blocking him. Why is this man different in my mind?

Because you literally are addicted to the toxic dynamic.

When he is abusive you get feelings of distress and loss plus confusion.
Your brain is desperate ( chemically and emotionally) to resolve this.
Hence when he does come back to you, your brain is flooded with relief in the form of chemicals which make you feel euphoric and bonded to him.
And so on and on and each time you are pulled deeper into the toxic dynamic
Ie intense feelings of "love" and bonding.

The only way is to end it, block him and get some counselling.
It will be intense and hard but you come out the otherside as a different person.

Original poster

moochooser · 07/05/2021 12:04

@Regularsizedrudy

How the fuck can you “love and admire” someone who hates women? Debunking feminism, ugh please, my fanny would seal shut. Maybe you need to think about why your standards are so low.

All of these comments are so helpful, thank you again. Apart from ones like the above, which are unhelpful and just come off as a bit mean really. But anyway.

He just text to say he's put me a fillet steak in the fridge for dinner later today. I don't quite get what that's all about, but I'm not going to respond today. Or probably tomorrow or the next day. I need some time now to get my head back on straight.

OP posts:

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/05/2021 12:04

You need to dump him, he has zero respect for you and you can do better.

Umberellatheweatha · 07/05/2021 12:05

In his own fridge I take it?

Unless he meant your fridge as in 'so I'll have to come back for it'

Templetreeee · 07/05/2021 12:07

He just text to say he's put me a fillet steak in the fridge for dinner later today. I don't quite get what that's all about, but I'm not going to respond today. Or probably tomorrow or the next day. I need some time now to get my head back on straight.

Hes reeling you back in.

Original poster

moochooser · 07/05/2021 12:07

@Umberellatheweatha

In his own fridge I take it?

Unless he meant your fridge as in 'so I'll have to come back for it'

No he's put it in my fridge for me to eat later tonight. I wasn't planning on seeing him until next week anyway, but obviously that's now changed.

OP posts:

LittlestBoho · 07/05/2021 12:27

Just text him "this relationship isn't working for me anymore. I will drop off your belongings at X date X time."

If he tries to call you or text you then don't answer the phone but text back "this is not a discussion. I've made my decision. If you continue to harass me I will involve the police." And mean it! Chauvanists like him won't go quietly.

When you drop his things off:

you take the stuff to him. Don't let him in your house again.
Take a friend in the car too so he can't get you alone and manipulate you.
Be a grey rock. Don't complain and don't explain. If you start explaining your reasoning he'll weedle you around. You've made your choice. It's over. It's not up for debate.

Imagine that you're quitting heroin. You know it's bad for you, you know the longer you continue the more broken you're going to be. Go cold turkey on him. He is a woman hating bastard.

cinders15 · 07/05/2021 12:27

So he has keys to your house?
Change the locks

Anordinarymum · 07/05/2021 12:32

You sound as bad as each other OP and I suspect alcohol has some part to play here.

Umberellatheweatha · 07/05/2021 12:37

Why has that now changed?
Just tell him no, not tonight.

What he is actually doing is keeping his foot in the door so that you feel you cant shut it. Close it on his bastard'n foot already, the guy is a no-gooder.

Alcemeg · 07/05/2021 12:43

Before you change the locks and cease all contact with this "fascist sexist racist monster" , I'd be inclined to have a chat with him about what he loves about you and why you can't get a word in edgeways in a debate.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 07/05/2021 12:49

All of these comments are so helpful, thank you again. Apart from ones like the above, which are unhelpful and just come off as a bit mean really. But anyway.

It's true, though, not mean, but true. This is all so immaturely dramatic, all the 'I can't!' but 'I have healthy boundaries!'. You don't or you'd have told this guy to fuck off the very first time he started one of these arguments. Instead you're still hanging on, he's got the key to your house, and I really hope he's not involved with your kids.

You said yourself it sounds pathetic.

Well, it really does.

feistymumma · 07/05/2021 12:59

@moochooser

I don't know what my exit plan for this relationship is. I feel like I'm questioning who I am these days, what I believe, if I know my own mind. I want out now, I just feel so weak for some reason.

Hi OP, I dated someone like this who was considerably older than me and I really identify with what you are saying about not knowing who you are anymore. I ended up dumping him and have my really good friend to thank for going through with it. My friend called me and we agreed on a statement to say that wouldn't require a response and he gave me a time to call and checked that I was making the call to end it :). Using hindsight this ex was a complete waste of time. Good luck ending it OP, you can do this.

Fyredraca · 07/05/2021 13:01

OP with kindness, I agree with @osbertthesyrianhamster
If you had healthy boundaries he would have been gone ages ago.
You try to keep him as a friend he'll worm his way back in.
Please think hard about inviting someone like him into yours and your kids life.
The longer it goes on the harder it will be. The more he will erode your agency and self respect. Many of the posters here have lived it and they are giving you the benefit of their experience.

Alfiemoon1 · 07/05/2021 13:02

Text him it’s not working then block him before he reels you back in.

Alcemeg · 07/05/2021 13:04

@osbertthesyrianhamster

All of these comments are so helpful, thank you again. Apart from ones like the above, which are unhelpful and just come off as a bit mean really. But anyway.

It's true, though, not mean, but true. This is all so immaturely dramatic, all the 'I can't!' but 'I have healthy boundaries!'. You don't or you'd have told this guy to fuck off the very first time he started one of these arguments. Instead you're still hanging on, he's got the key to your house, and I really hope he's not involved with your kids.

You said yourself it sounds pathetic.

Well, it really does.

I disagree.

He's like this with everyone, as far as I can see. He's just extremely hard work and opinionated.

...sounds to me like he is not just being mean to OP. He might not even consider it an argument in the way that she does. The male debating style can be quite adversarial.

No one's perfect and if he is otherwise kind I don't see why OP is being pathetic just for not deciding that this is grounds enough to stop seeing him.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 07/05/2021 13:08

No one's perfect and if he is otherwise kind I don't see why OP is being pathetic just for not deciding that this is grounds enough to stop seeing him.

She said herself it's pathetic. She's an adult who is voluntarily giving up her agency to remain with a man who is showing, very clearly, abusive tendencies.

Templetreeee · 07/05/2021 13:09

No he's put it in my fridge for me to eat later tonight. I wasn't planning on seeing him until next week anyway, but obviously that's now changed.

Only if you decide its changed.

HappyWipings · 07/05/2021 13:21

Op , I think what you're hanging on to is the idea of this relationship, rather than the reality. He was a friend , so you probably built this thing up to be much than it really is. That's what's stopping you from moving on imo.

The truth is that he's a rubbish boyfriend , a bully and is also no longer your friend. It'll take a while to make peace with all of this but you must find the strength to try. Tell him you're over , block him and fill your life with other things.

Good luck.

Original poster

moochooser · 07/05/2021 13:24

@HappyWipings

Op , I think what you're hanging on to is the idea of this relationship, rather than the reality. He was a friend , so you probably built this thing up to be much than it really is. That's what's stopping you from moving on imo.

The truth is that he's a rubbish boyfriend , a bully and is also no longer your friend. It'll take a while to make peace with all of this but you must find the strength to try. Tell him you're over , block him and fill your life with other things.

Good luck.

Yes, I think that's exactly what I've done. That coupled with the intermittent reinforcement and I've lost all sight of what's healthy and normal.

OP posts:

Original poster

moochooser · 07/05/2021 13:26

@cinders15

So he has keys to your house? Change the locks

No he doesn't have a key to my house. He went and collected some supplies and put it in my fridge this morning before he left for work.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/05/2021 13:27

Look at his credentials, not his potential.

The way he makes you feel is a reflection of who he is. That person is not compatible with you being happy and healthy, otherwise you wouldn't be feeling like this:

I feel like I'm questioning who I am these days, what I believe, if I know my own mind. I want out now, I just feel so weak for some reason.

Your children deserve better than a man who makes their mum feel that way being in their lives. It's unhealthy for them too and could, longer term, inform their own relationships as adults as they'll think this is an acceptable dynamic - for men to bully women they are in a relationship with.

He's a bully. He doesn't want to debate or agree to disagree, he wants you to shut up, listen to him and tell him how clever he is. Stop this now, it's madness and you're losing yourself more each day. Which means your children are losing a little bit of their lovely mum too, so you need to end it and build yourself back up to full strength solo before dating anyone again.

Original poster

moochooser · 07/05/2021 13:29

@Fyredraca

OP with kindness, I agree with *@osbertthesyrianhamster* If you had healthy boundaries he would have been gone ages ago. You try to keep him as a friend he'll worm his way back in. Please think hard about inviting someone like him into yours and your kids life. The longer it goes on the harder it will be. The more he will erode your agency and self respect. Many of the posters here have lived it and they are giving you the benefit of their experience.

I think I've stated that I've always had very healthy boundaries in relationships, meaning past relationships. I've obviously got very unhealthy unclear boundaries in this one or I wouldn't be here asking for a kick up the arse.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/05/2021 13:33

@moochooser

I'm in a relationship with a man I love and admire very much. Before we became a couple we were best friends and I feel we know each other inside out. Everything should be perfect, but it isn't sadly. Maybe it's because I'm in love for the first time since my marriage ended, but I appear to have a tendency for self sabotaging relationships and pushing him away. I think I'm afraid of getting hurt or rejected, so I push him away before he can do the same to me. When we're together we have so much fun. He makes me laugh, he's interesting and clever. Plus I fancy the pants off him.

BUT he's got an extremely forceful personality and it causes so many arguments between us. For example, last night he decided on a film for us, I said fine and we settled down on the sofa to watch it. Half way through I commented that I struggled to enjoy films with the much loved actor in them anymore after the allegations of sexual harassment. What followed was a massive argument simply because he didn't agree with me. I'm fine with him disagreeing, but I can't tolerate him shouting over me, victim blaming, accusing me of being drunk and unreasonable (when he'd drank far more than me) and just acting like a complete jerk. He does this regularly. Talks over me, refuses to let me have an opinion, berates me for being 'wrong' and lately has had a go at me for 'trying to be woke'. I'm not particularly very 'woke' whatever that means, I just have my own set of opinions and think they should be given the same weight as his.
On a weekly basis now I'm finding myself saying to myself 'that's it, I'm done! This shit is making me miserable as fuck' but then I always find myself making excuses for him and so we carry on. It's shit. I can't see that we're compatible when he has such a domineering personality and I'm not the type to be his doormat.
I know I need to let this relationship go now but I can't. Does anyone have any advice, or words for me that will give me the kick up the arse I need?
It's so sad because I care for him so much and I want him to always be a part of my life. Just not like this.

"he's got an extremely forceful personality" No, he's just a bully and you're making excuses for him

.

"I'm in a relationship with a man I love and admire very much. Before we became a couple we were best friends and I feel we know each other inside out. Everything should be perfect, but it isn't sadly. Maybe it's because I'm in love for the first time since my marriage ended, but I appear to have a tendency for self sabotaging relationships and pushing him away. I think I'm afraid of getting hurt or rejected, so I push him away before he can do the same to me."

Let's start with the obvious - how does him behaving like a total knob translate in your head to self-sabotaging and pushing him away? It seems to me you're taking the responsibility for his crap - why is that? Do you normally blame yourself for other people's bad behaviour?

Side-issue - how bad was your husband's behaviour to condition you to accept your current partner's obnoxious behaviour? Because it seems to me that you have a very skewed idea of what you should put up with.

I would contend that you are not in love with this man, nor do you love and admire him. You may be in love with some idea in your head of who he really is, but the man in front of you - nah. You love and admire who you thought he was, not who he is.

And frankly, it's not about 'letting him go' - it's about telling him to fuck off with his shitty behaviour and his shouting and his making you miserable.

And then - sort yourself out. Accepting this crap and blaming yourself for it is indicative of you having some work to do on yourself. Books, therapy - you need to work out why you put up with this and work out how not to do this to yourself again.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/05/2021 13:42

@moochooser

Also, another thing that makes it difficult to move on is that my children adore him. He's been part of their lives for years now, first as my close friend. They would be heartbroken to never see him again. Is it even possible for us to be friends again though? I highly doubt it.

Don't put the responsibility of staying in this relationship on their shoulders

! They're children and you're the adult. And as the adult you should be protecting them by refusing to model such a dysfunctional relationship. Don't trains sons to be like him or daughters to accept shit.

Yes the split might upset them, but heartbroken? He's not their dad.