I need to let him go, don't I?

[moochooser]

I'm in a relationship with a man I love and admire very much. Before we became a couple we were best friends and I feel we know each other inside out. Everything should be perfect, but it isn't sadly.
Maybe it's because I'm in love for the first time since my marriage ended, but I appear to have a tendency for self sabotaging relationships and pushing him away. I think I'm afraid of getting hurt or rejected, so I push him away before he can do the same to me.
When we're together we have so much fun. He makes me laugh, he's interesting and clever. Plus I fancy the pants off him.

BUT he's got an extremely forceful personality and it causes so many arguments between us. For example, last night he decided on a film for us, I said fine and we settled down on the sofa to watch it. Half way through I commented that I struggled to enjoy films with the much loved actor in them anymore after the allegations of sexual harassment. What followed was a massive argument simply because he didn't agree with me. I'm fine with him disagreeing, but I can't tolerate him shouting over me, victim blaming, accusing me of being drunk and unreasonable (when he'd drank far more than me) and just acting like a complete jerk. He does this regularly. Talks over me, refuses to let me have an opinion, berates me for being 'wrong' and lately has had a go at me for 'trying to be woke'. I'm not particularly very 'woke' whatever that means, I just have my own set of opinions and think they should be given the same weight as his.
On a weekly basis now I'm finding myself saying to myself 'that's it, I'm done! This shit is making me miserable as fuck' but then I always find myself making excuses for him and so we carry on. It's shit. I can't see that we're compatible when he has such a domineering personality and I'm not the type to be his doormat.
I know I need to let this relationship go now but I can't. Does anyone have any advice, or words for me that will give me the kick up the arse I need?
It's so sad because I care for him so much and I want him to always be a part of my life. Just not like this.

My husband was a lovely husband to me and a great dad. We're still good mates. After 13 years of marriage I just felt that my feelings for him had changed and it was time to move on.

And obviously I'm not blaming my children for having to stay in this relationship. I'm merely remarking that they'd be extremely sad to never see him again, they love him because we were close friends before coming a couple. I'm just considering their feelings in this, and I've considered many many times that I may not be modelling a very healthy relationship to them. The only saving grace is that he's never behaved like this in front of them.

They don't know him then.

Seriously, you should get rid of this prick

Oh, c'mon, they have gone through their parents' divorce, they are not going to be heartbroken to have this man out of their lives .

It's not a 'saving grace' he hasn't behaved this way in front of them, it's just a matter of time.

All this stuff about your behaviours smacks of victim blaming to me.
OP some abusers are very clever, very manipulative and slow burn in how they start. It's like a boiling frog. Actually you've spotted the pattern and how it makes you feel before it's progressed to more extreme emotional abuse and before he's moved in etc. I think you should be proud of yourself for that.

No he doesn't have a key to my house. He went and collected some supplies and put it in my fridge this morning before he left for work. This shows how manipulative he is, he knows he crossed a line. Rather than apologising he planned this to show what a "nice guy" he is and confuse you so you don't dump him. He didn't tell you until it became clear you aren't talking. Now he has a pretext to make you feel guilty enough to invite him over. Its extremely clever and almost cold in how manipulative it is.

Please read the link I posted earlier. He sounds narcissistic and I don't say that lightly

Not rtft.

He was never your friend. He was someone who probably had the hots for you and as soon as you became single, making himself indispensable, giving you a shoulder to cry on...

No doubt he wooed you and pursued you, maybe helping you out, being generous and kind.

Guess what, you've got yourself a prize arsehole.

Bin the twat.

I’m sorry to be blunt OP but it really doesn’t reflect well on you that you’re continuing to make space in your life for someone with abhorrent views like this. He sounds like is fundamentally a racist and sexist person. I don’t have any time for people like that and honestly, people who would choose to be in a relationship with that person are tarred with the same brush in my book. And you are continuing to make this man part of your children’s life I can sort of understand why it’s hard to cut off your own romantic feelings towards him, sometimes we all fancy the wrong people (being kind there, I’m not sure I could ever get hooked on someone who doesn’t believe in white privilege) but I really struggle to understand how the idea of a man like that being around your children in any capacity doesn’t have the same effect as a bucket full of cold water in your head...what possible justification can you have for allowing your children around someone with such awful ideas and beliefs?! Surely no sexual connection is worth that? When kids are involved there just can’t be any messing around and mooning about being addicted to him....he’s bad news, there should be no hesitation whatsoever on getting him out of your family’s life! You say he hasn’t been like that around them-can you hand on heart say he’s never been in a room with them without you there for a couple of minutes? You have no idea! Also, why wait until he starts being racist or sexist in front of your kids....the damage is done then.

Sorry to be rude but when kids are involved you simply have to have higher standards than this and be much quicker to act on them.

He was never your friend.

Just a horrible person waiting for his moment to pounce.

Kindly meant OP, but raise your bar and cop yourself on.

How can you have such an awful excuse of a man near you or your family.

Raise your bar, because it's honestly on the floor.

Haven't your children been through enough without allowing suchba dreadful person become a fixture in their life.

You know he is odious, it's only a matter of time before your children see the real him.

Cop on and grow up.
You know he's not a good person to have around.

Did you really take your children away from a good man and father for this?

Jesus, some of you are brutal and seem to get off on kicking a dog whilst it's down. I KNOW this has to end. It's been a brief relationship and I've spotted what he's doing long before it became serious and he moved in or anything. I came here for a bit of support and a push in the right direction to do what I know I have to do. I didn't ask for a fucking kicking. I'm out now...thanks to those of you who actually helped lift me up so I can get out of this situation. It's done, the text is sent.

Just a horrible person waiting for his moment to pounce.

I missed out the word pounce in my pp.

My ex had a female best friend and as soon as she split up from her DC's dad, he was in there like a shot.

It could be same person - opinionated, racist, sexist... appearing to his friends as pubbable and clubbable.

What this type of guy does is appear so fun and kind then when they have you they gradually start playing up, then one day you are in the most shit situation. He'll turn your friends against you cos 'he would never do that. He'll turn you into a mess if you let him

You have a choice, Bin him. He's not a friend. or Set up your boundaries and stick to them.

Bin him.

Well done OP!!!
Try to stick to your guns!!
It will be hard, but you know you have to

"I know I need to let this relationship go now but I can't. Does anyone have any advice, or words for me that will give me the kick up the arse I need?"

Jesus, some of you are brutal and seem to get off on kicking a dog whilst it's down. ... I came here for a bit of support and a push in the right direction to do what I know I have to do. I didn't ask for a fucking kicking."

Well done OP! Now just try to hold tight and stick to your guns.

Maybe step away from this thread if it's making your day even harder.

I salute your strength for recognising the situation and dealing with it

He’s clearly a prick, not much more to say

Well done, stay strong. You are doing the right thing 200%.

@moochooser

Jesus, some of you are brutal and seem to get off on kicking a dog whilst it's down. I KNOW this has to end. It's been a brief relationship and I've spotted what he's doing long before it became serious and he moved in or anything. I came here for a bit of support and a push in the right direction to do what I know I have to do. I didn't ask for a fucking kicking. I'm out now...thanks to those of you who actually helped lift me up so I can get out of this situation. It's done, the text is sent.

You asked for help to kick him out and get things in perspective and that's what you got. Not everyone mollycoddles and in some situations like yours where you were dilly dallying then a kick up the backside response is what is needed.

Op some abusers are very clever, very manipulative and slow burn in how they start. It's like a boiling frog. Actually you've spotted the pattern and how it makes you feel before it's progressed to more extreme emotional abuse and before he's moved in etc. I think you should be proud of yourself for that

I agree with this, well done
As I mentioned up thread they actively seek out women with strong boundaries and go all out to break them down because of the thrill and satisfaction it gives them.

I think you’re getting some really harsh comments here OP, people seem to forget there is someone in very real pain behind your words.

Please don’t beat yourself up about this, it’s so normal for women who had abuse in their childhoods to end up with men like this. It feels right because it’s familiar and in a warped way, safe. You know what you’re getting. You, however know that it’s bad for you, and you know you have to do something about it, but that doesn’t stop it from being hard. Maybe it would help to focus on his negative qualities as much as possible, every time you start thinking about him, remind yourself of the worst times - give yourself a reality check.

You can do this, you already know you deserve better.

@moochooser
Please come back to your thread.
You will need us over the next few weeks

Please listen to your instincts. These arguments may seem not so big and important now but over time they will build into a much bigger problem and you will end up being misirable, angry and sad. This is exactly what happened to me. After being with my DH for 26 years, I realized I could not take it any more and asked him to leave. He was shocked and still does not understand what happened. What happened is years and years of little arguments like yours, one after another, putting down, bullying, criticizing, controlling, silent treatments etc. Long time ago, I completely stopped fighting, as it seemed impossible to get my point across without causing a big conflict. Neither issue was big enough to up and go but together they became an avalanche that eventually killed my love and devotion for him and left only resentment.

He’s a dick.

I've had a number of messages from him this eve and haven't responded to any of them. Just messages saying sorry really and that he loves me. It's his birthday tomorrow too, so I'm finding myself feeling guilty about ruining it for him. But it's not my fault...he ruined it for himself I think.
The only message I've sent to him today was that I need him to give me some space and I'll approach him if and when I'm ready to try and be friends again, but that we are 100% over as a couple.
It's hard and I've cried a lot of tears this evening. I'm just reminding myself over and over that he's not the man I thought he was and that there was no future in it.
I didn't intend to return to this thread after some of the things said to me today. Namely that I have no self worth and casting aspersions on my parenting. Those posters can go and fuck themselves. Everyone else....thank you for helping me today. For your advice and support, I don't think I would have stayed strong without you. Xx

Well done, OP.
Take care of yourself and take it easy. You must feel like you've been hit by a bus. These things are so hard.
You have done the right thing and you will be happier in the long run. Never let a man in your life again who doesn't respect your autonomy and let you have your own opinions.

Yes well done OP - its really hard when you can see how good the relationship could be if they were different. But he won't change and it will just grind you down over time. He obviously knew he'd pushed you to far by getting the steak in for you.

You've done the right thing - stay strong and look after yourself.

@moochooser

I've had a number of messages from him this eve and haven't responded to any of them. Just messages saying sorry really and that he loves me. It's his birthday tomorrow too, so I'm finding myself feeling guilty about ruining it for him. But it's not my fault...he ruined it for himself I think. The only message I've sent to him today was that I need him to give me some space and I'll approach him if and when I'm ready to try and be friends again, but that we are 100% over as a couple. It's hard and I've cried a lot of tears this evening. I'm just reminding myself over and over that he's not the man I thought he was and that there was no future in it. I didn't intend to return to this thread after some of the things said to me today. Namely that I have no self worth and casting aspersions on my parenting. Those posters can go and fuck themselves. Everyone else....thank you for helping me today. For your advice and support, I don't think I would have stayed strong without you. Xx

So glad you came back Op. He will come back and try to wheedle his way back in. We have your back Tbh I couldnt be friends with someone with this type of behaviour and views or want them in my life. Block and delete would be my advice