I need to let him go, don't I?

[moochooser]

I'm in a relationship with a man I love and admire very much. Before we became a couple we were best friends and I feel we know each other inside out. Everything should be perfect, but it isn't sadly.
Maybe it's because I'm in love for the first time since my marriage ended, but I appear to have a tendency for self sabotaging relationships and pushing him away. I think I'm afraid of getting hurt or rejected, so I push him away before he can do the same to me.
When we're together we have so much fun. He makes me laugh, he's interesting and clever. Plus I fancy the pants off him.

BUT he's got an extremely forceful personality and it causes so many arguments between us. For example, last night he decided on a film for us, I said fine and we settled down on the sofa to watch it. Half way through I commented that I struggled to enjoy films with the much loved actor in them anymore after the allegations of sexual harassment. What followed was a massive argument simply because he didn't agree with me. I'm fine with him disagreeing, but I can't tolerate him shouting over me, victim blaming, accusing me of being drunk and unreasonable (when he'd drank far more than me) and just acting like a complete jerk. He does this regularly. Talks over me, refuses to let me have an opinion, berates me for being 'wrong' and lately has had a go at me for 'trying to be woke'. I'm not particularly very 'woke' whatever that means, I just have my own set of opinions and think they should be given the same weight as his.
On a weekly basis now I'm finding myself saying to myself 'that's it, I'm done! This shit is making me miserable as fuck' but then I always find myself making excuses for him and so we carry on. It's shit. I can't see that we're compatible when he has such a domineering personality and I'm not the type to be his doormat.
I know I need to let this relationship go now but I can't. Does anyone have any advice, or words for me that will give me the kick up the arse I need?
It's so sad because I care for him so much and I want him to always be a part of my life. Just not like this.

OP,

You know you want to be the best you can be for your children.

You have kicked this predatory waster out.

He was and is a predator.

You must realise that.

You asked for the best advice, you have got it.

Protect yourself and protect your children.

You deserve better.

Keep posting, people are here to help.

@KinseyWinsey

And showing you how great he can be is exactly how abusers keep you hooked.

And so on the cycle goes......on and on for the rest of your life.

Yesss sums it up so well

Please leave him

I dated someone exactly the same OP. Things will only get worse. Despite how miserable he made me, it was hard to break it off, because I was attached. Just like you are. Don’t doubt how hard it can be. Please be strong though as you will miss him and have moments of a weakness. Keep busy and distracted. Are you able to speak to anyone in real life? Sending much love and hugs to you

@Queenie6655 FFS!!!!
OP has dumped him!!!
Read the F thread!!!

“I just got a message from him that was so sweet and loving...why can't he be that man all the time?”

Because he’s a twat and only nice when he needs to win you over.

“It just tugged at my heart strings a little...that he can be so kind to strangers but so dismissive of me”

This should make you angry. It’s proof that it’s not just his personality that makes him act the way he does towards you. He is capable of being nice but he CHOOSES to be horrible to you.

Stay strong. He’s not going to make you happy. Keep reminding yourself of that. It doesn’t matter if he rescues babies every day, if he doesn’t have the ability to make you happy. Better a guy who only saves the occasional baby but treats you well!

Remember that it’s like a drug. You feel crap right now, you’re in withdrawal. If you’re weak and go back, you’ll feel great for a week but then even worse then you do now. You’ll end it again, and the pain will be twice as much as it is now, and you’ll just extend it.

What’s the only thing worse then the pain you’re feeling right now? Feeling like that again in two weeks time, and then again in a month, and then every month for the next year. Rip off the plaster. The pain right now is the worst it will be IF AND ONLY IF you don’t crack. If you do crack, it will feel worse and the pain will be extended

Please get out of this relationship OP. He’s a manipulative, abusive, aggressive, bullying wanker. No-one should tell you what to think or what opinions you should have. He wants to stamp out your personality. Don’t let him please.

Talk to yourself as you would someone who’s life is being destroyed by (say) a drug addiction.

You’re in withdrawal. Let’s get through this, so we only have to suffer this once. If we succumb now, we’ll only have to go through this pain over and over again, while also suffering the thing that is destroying our life.

Oops sorry, didn’t read the full thread. Thought you might need some persuading. Well done OP, don’t look back.

@moochooser

I feel so shit. I just got a message from him that was so sweet and loving...why can't he be that man all the time? I just don't understand. Help me ladies, please. I'm so close to cracking and replying. I saw a Facebook photo earlier that someone else took of him. He was vaccinating a homeless man's dog late at night on the street. Out of his own pocket and free time of course. It just tugged at my heart strings a little...that he can be so kind to strangers but so dismissive of me.

When you look at this, remember also the many men who do great things in public, then go home and abuse, best, bully their spouses. A man can be both a pillar of the community and an abusive shit. It confuses you when you’re in it, but look at it from an outsider perspective.

Imagine he’s a small town priest, or a doctor who saves children with cancer, or a businessman who gives loads of money to charity. But then you find out his wife is bullied and abused and treated like scum. What would you tell her? You wouldn’t tell her to stay because of what he does externally. You would tell her that he doesn’t treat her to the basic standard that is required in a relationship. You would tell her it doesn’t matter if he’s Barack Obama or running the WHO or Bill Gates, if he bullies and abuses her that is not ok.

He doesn't sound intelligent. He sounds overbearing and boorish.

Yes! You are all so right and helping me stay on track. It's like the planets are aligning against me tonight...every email or social media post seems to be reminding me only of the good in him. I have to stay strong and remember how he treats me when he's being the person he really is.

Exactly! Super wise. Remember you know the real him, how he acts in a private relationship. How the world sees him is irrelevant. He doesn’t treat you well, he never will.

Make some nice plans for the next week to keep yourself busy. And treat yourself.

@moochooser

Yes! You are all so right and helping me stay on track. It's like the planets are aligning against me tonight...every email or social media post seems to be reminding me only of the good in him. I have to stay strong and remember how he treats me when he's being the person he really is.

It might be a good idea to renove him from your SM or stay off it. Intetestingly these men are always saints / charming etc in public. Im always suspicious of these types . Why cant he do good things quietly without a pic? Because its all fake, its all about him and presenting a fake image to the world.

Write a list of all the abuse - that’ll jerk you back to reality. Abusive men can’t be abusive the whole time, that’s why women can end up stuck in these kind of relationships.

This sounds exhausting. In a decent relationship you can have different opinions and argue/ debate but keep it on good terms. If he always gets angry if you disagree with him you will always have to let him win just to keep the peace. That’s not an equal relationship.

You've done the right thing @moochooser you know you have. Just take it one day at a time & it'll get easier.

Morning. The weather's shitty and I feel the same. I've just had a bit of a lie in and my daughter's brought me a coffee to drink in bed while I get rid of him from my social media.

Oh OP. It's really sad when there's so much good stuff there. But you are doing the right thing. Stay strong!

Hi OP.
I am thinking of you. There is no pain like heartbreak and no greater pull than the one to fix things and get back to 'normal'. It is hard to push through, but you can do it.

I am sure that, as time goes on, you will realise that, not only is the real him bloody awful to you, but other people will have seen through the act too. They just won't have said anything to you, because people don't slag people off to their partners.

I had one like this. He would go completely out of his way to help anyone with anything. Giving up his time and energy to do things for others. He had a real knight in shining armour complex. He did loads of things for me before we were together.

And then it all stopped. He would still go out of his way for everyone else, but gave me zero support. He didn't have to. He had me. There was no need to impress me with his giving nature anymore. That was reserved for others. It's all image management.

You know the truth. Hold onto it.

You're right to end it and I hope you're able to stay strong. You really don't want the types of opinions he has to be influential on your children. Can you imagine your daughter growing up being told that 'women need to wind their necks in'?

I'm also concerned that some of the behaviours you were describing might be early indications of an abusive personality:

Waking you up in the morning so he can say goodbye- why not just let you sleep?

Leaving a steak in the fridge to defrost for your dinner - why does he get to decide what you're having for dinner tonight?

I think I've failed to get across what I was trying to explain yesterday. He's never said that women need to wind their necks in or 'debunked feminism'. I meant Jordan Peterson. I saw a video a while back where that was the gist of what he was saying, or at least what I took away from it. It's my fault for explaining badly, sorry.
He's not racist or misogynistic, he's always telling my daughters that they can do and be anything they want. He took my 10 year old to get some school shoes and came home with boys shoes for her because the girls shoes were 'useless. No grips. Girls can run just as fast as boys'.
The problem with him is the shouting me down. I can't live like that.

Did you block him after you sent the text saying you want space, no contact and you're 100% over as a couple?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Did you block him after you sent the text saying you want space, no contact and you're 100% over as a couple?

No I haven't. I would have done that but we've been friends a long time. Considering that I'm just not ready to block him on everything yet.