I need to let him go, don't I?

[moochooser]

I'm in a relationship with a man I love and admire very much. Before we became a couple we were best friends and I feel we know each other inside out. Everything should be perfect, but it isn't sadly.
Maybe it's because I'm in love for the first time since my marriage ended, but I appear to have a tendency for self sabotaging relationships and pushing him away. I think I'm afraid of getting hurt or rejected, so I push him away before he can do the same to me.
When we're together we have so much fun. He makes me laugh, he's interesting and clever. Plus I fancy the pants off him.

BUT he's got an extremely forceful personality and it causes so many arguments between us. For example, last night he decided on a film for us, I said fine and we settled down on the sofa to watch it. Half way through I commented that I struggled to enjoy films with the much loved actor in them anymore after the allegations of sexual harassment. What followed was a massive argument simply because he didn't agree with me. I'm fine with him disagreeing, but I can't tolerate him shouting over me, victim blaming, accusing me of being drunk and unreasonable (when he'd drank far more than me) and just acting like a complete jerk. He does this regularly. Talks over me, refuses to let me have an opinion, berates me for being 'wrong' and lately has had a go at me for 'trying to be woke'. I'm not particularly very 'woke' whatever that means, I just have my own set of opinions and think they should be given the same weight as his.
On a weekly basis now I'm finding myself saying to myself 'that's it, I'm done! This shit is making me miserable as fuck' but then I always find myself making excuses for him and so we carry on. It's shit. I can't see that we're compatible when he has such a domineering personality and I'm not the type to be his doormat.
I know I need to let this relationship go now but I can't. Does anyone have any advice, or words for me that will give me the kick up the arse I need?
It's so sad because I care for him so much and I want him to always be a part of my life. Just not like this.

Sorry OP but he's not your friend. Friends don't shout each other down and make the other person feel they are losing themselves and becoming a shell of who they are. Does that sound like a friend to you?

If you don't block him you're going to get sucked back in. There's no reason you can't at first at least have one month (for example) of no contact to get your head clear. If he was decent he would respect you wanting that.

I don't think you are committed to splitting up with him.

It's a bit hookie cookie but something I do when I'm not sure about someone and whether or not to keep them in my life:

I close my eyes somewhere quiet and take a few breaths in and out (think yoga) and try to centre myself. And then in my mind i ask a question: 'is he of the light or is he of the dark?'. And see what my gut response is. Listen to my inner voice and what it tells me about someone. Not what I want to hear. What I know.

And if someone is 'of the dark' then they do not belong in your life, in any capacity.

Bad people can be smart, witty and oh so enticing. But they are not kind. And they do not want good things for you and they do not have empathy. And without that... they are ugly.

People in our lives should have good souls. Otherwise, they'll only ever drag us into the dark with them. And that not what life is about.

@moochooser

I think I've failed to get across what I was trying to explain yesterday. He's never said that women need to wind their necks in or 'debunked feminism'. I meant Jordan Peterson. I saw a video a while back where that was the gist of what he was saying, or at least what I took away from it. It's my fault for explaining badly, sorry. He's not racist or misogynistic, he's always telling my daughters that they can do and be anything they want. He took my 10 year old to get some school shoes and came home with boys shoes for her because the girls shoes were 'useless. No grips. Girls can run just as fast as boys'. The problem with him is the shouting me down. I can't live like that.

Shouting you down is misogynistic though OP and abusive As a woman he doesnt think you are entitled to your own opinions or be allowed to express them. Racist and also dim to think white privilege doesnt exist. Hes " Im a nice bloke, me " " look how nice I am" He really isnt

Shouting at women because you believe your opinion is default superior = misogynist.

Saying white privilege doesn't exist (?!!!) = racist. And to be honest, also idiotic.

Well done OP for calling it a day with this guy. Every day of no contact is a step into the future and away from that relationship. Remember that if you contact him again, you go back to being day 1, day 2 etc of no contact. So it puts your progress back.

I can see why you are considering how you feel about being friends again but, that ship has sailed. From my own experience, his abusive ways will be in the memory of your friendship and therefore, you know him better than you did previously. So its not possible to have a friendship with him and have the same friendship you had before. Plus, you will still find things about him attractive as his attributes and your preferences haven't changed. Also, he will use the friendship as a way of getting one foot in the door before trying to re-establish the relationship.

When you meet someone else, you don't want to lose them because you're good friends with a recent ex. Theres nothing worst than having the past lurking around.

I'd be a bit irritated if somebody started an argument about an actors personal life halfway through a film I was watching. But he does sound very quick tempered which isn't going to improve. You just need to decide yourself whether his good points outweigh his bad ones.

Oh sorry. Looks as if OP has decided to dump.

Well done Op you have absolutely done the right thing but take care as he will probably try to get you to take him back… be kind to yourself

Blimey, he doesn’t like you much, does he? Sulks, doesn’t speak and shuts you down if you dare speak out against him? Dear me! Abusive and intolerant. Also shit emotional intelligence, as you say, can’t cope with someone telling him he’s wrong. You’re right to get rid, OP!

Well done op.

I dated someone similar to this, he felt like a drug and me the addict. It was only an 18 month relationship but my feelings were so intense. Looking back I put it down to the fact that he was abusive. He was so nice and lovely and made me feel so special, but the would turn into this horrid horrid person who seemed to relish in my misery. But that high I got when he was 'Nice' was what kept me going back. It was such a roller coaster. But I also realised that abusers are nice sometimes, if they weren't, they'd never have a relationship of any sort. They need to be nice (the steak example you gave up thread), to be able to abuse and control you at a later time. He can also turn round and say 'well I am nice, I bought you steak, when you try and explain how he made you feel re the white privileged comment

@moochooser

These are exactly the things I need to hear, thank you. I know in my heart that I'm just prolonging the agony now, but I can't seem to walk away. 🤷‍♀️ He's like this with everyone, as far as I can see. He's just extremely hard work and opinionated. Yesterday, whilst we were walking along the street arm in arm I mentioned 'white privilege' which was completely in the context of the conversation he'd initiated. He stopped walking abruptly, sighed and said 'don't say that crap ever again'. Almost like I'd disappointed him with my stupidity. I was like 'wtf? Hang on pal, you don't get to tell me what to think or what to say, and you started this topic of conversation'. Anyway, I couldn't be bothered with arguing so I let it go after I'd told him not to speak to me like that. We carried on with our day. Then later on he sent me a link to Jordan Peterson 'debunking white privilege'. I was a bit and so I didn't watch it, I just commented that I'm not interested in what JP has to say on the topic when he embodies exactly what I'm talking about. My boyfriend scoffed at this, and I said that I don't care for the opinions of a man who's previously 'debunked' feminism too and told women to basically wind their necks in. URGH. Maybe I'm the one being difficult in this particular instance...I just got so annoyed that he was belittling my opinions yet again.

Told women to 'wind their necks in' I know exactly how long I'd last in a relationship with him.

He sounds like a cunt. Was your dad a misogynist OP? I'm wondering why you've got yourself into this relationship in the first place as most feminists wouldn't touch him with a bargepole. Why are you finding it so hard to walk away from this mouth breather?

You're in a power struggle. The one with the least investment in the relationship will win the power struggle. Most couples have a power struggle at the beginning of the relationship but your partner is vying for dominance.

Tell him that he's using his male privilege in order to assert dominance and that if he has to resort to name calling, he must be very insecure with a low emotional IQ.

It does help when people actually rtft, rather than rehashing the same misunderstood quote another has put up, not the op.
You've handled it well OP, explained enough and in a nice way where you are at. It's up to you to decide in future if the friendship side can be salvaged - I'd say maybe 6 months at least if attempted at all, and preferably when he's got someone new, so you know he's not just after rekindling things with you.
It's only worth contemplating a friendship again if he was better behaved as a friend, if he was just the same, then no point in bothering.
Blocking is maybe worth considering down the line if he continues to send love-bombing messages and you feel yourself wavering. It's never a nice thing to do, and it does keep their number in your phone in order to block it. I prefer to delete numbers from contacts, that way, you can't message or ring even if tempted at a weak moment, and you can get them off your WhatsApp too.
Keep ignoring for now, hopefully he will get the message.

I am sure there are many couples who have diversely differing opinions about all sorts of things . It’s how you handle those differences isn’t it .

Having respect for each other even if you don’t agree .

It’s not easy .

Hi again. I know it's late, but I'm floundering a bit. I need to block him now. I'm getting really lovely contrite messages from him and I don't know how to respond. I've just said that we're not compatible and we need to leave each other be for a while, but I don't know what else to do other than block. I just feel so very sad to completely let him go, he was my best mate and champion. He did so much for me and was such a massive asset to my life before this happened.
I saw a Facebook post earlier (despite unfriending him, but I'm friends with some of his friends) where he was calling someone out for something I feel strongly about. No one else did this, just him, and I felt a wave of sadness. I need to delete social media when I block him, don't I? ☹️
I'm a bit of a mess if I'm honest. I haven't eaten today and opened a bottle of wine earlier, so it's gone immediately to my head. I'm swinging between immense sadness that I'm willingly discarding someone I'm in love with to feeling elated that I've escaped my prison. It's so weird.

OP this isn't a sustainable relationship, you've done the right thing. Stay strong.

If you're not ready to block a tip I have is to change their name to something that reminds you why you're avoiding them. E.g. instead of say 'Dan' change the caller ID to 'angry twat' or whatever. It sounds naff but I did it with my exH and it worked by removing the emotions associated with their name.

Thank you. I've just done that. I've changed his name and his unique WhatsApp tone. Now if he's messaging me a get the visual reminder that he's no good by the name I chose, and also the Pavlovian response to his messages has been removed.

I saw a Facebook post earlier (despite unfriending him, but I'm friends with some of his friends) where he was calling someone out for something I feel strongly about. No one else did this, just him

He's done this on purpose op to hoover you back in. He will know which friend to tag or that you'll see it and he knows it's a subject your passionate about, it's all deliberate mind games. He doesn't feel that way at all, it's bullshit designed to hoover you back in so he can abuse you further.

He's a woman hating shit, an abusive bully and you just 'can't' split with him? C'mon, you're a grown up! Start behaving like on, get rid of him before you entangle yourself with him and get your kids involved in his abuse
This says it all.
Why the hell do you want to be with someone that doesn't appear to like you much. Stop being so bloody wet and get your life back. He is just a bloke.

Hands up, I hadn't read all the thread when I posted.
Anyone that thinks Jp is a good think gets me riled so I started typing furiously!

As to your kids OP, they may be sad short term, but do you really want them growing up with such a person, spouting such opinions, in their lives?

@moochooser

Hi again. I know it's late, but I'm floundering a bit. I need to block him now. I'm getting really lovely contrite messages from him and I don't know how to respond. I've just said that we're not compatible and we need to leave each other be for a while, but I don't know what else to do other than block. I just feel so very sad to completely let him go, he was my best mate and champion. He did so much for me and was such a massive asset to my life before this happened. I saw a Facebook post earlier (despite unfriending him, but I'm friends with some of his friends) where he was calling someone out for something I feel strongly about. No one else did this, just him, and I felt a wave of sadness. I need to delete social media when I block him, don't I? ☹️ I'm a bit of a mess if I'm honest. I haven't eaten today and opened a bottle of wine earlier, so it's gone immediately to my head. I'm swinging between immense sadness that I'm willingly discarding someone I'm in love with to feeling elated that I've escaped my prison. It's so weird.

Op do you really feel that hes your "best mate and champion"? He shouts you down Your best mate and champion would not do this. The FB calling out. Ugh what type of person does this, you say "just him" like its a good thing. Its really not, its bullying.

Sorry you're going through this OP. You've made the right decisions, although they've been hard to make.