I need to let him go, don't I?

[moochooser]

I'm in a relationship with a man I love and admire very much. Before we became a couple we were best friends and I feel we know each other inside out. Everything should be perfect, but it isn't sadly.
Maybe it's because I'm in love for the first time since my marriage ended, but I appear to have a tendency for self sabotaging relationships and pushing him away. I think I'm afraid of getting hurt or rejected, so I push him away before he can do the same to me.
When we're together we have so much fun. He makes me laugh, he's interesting and clever. Plus I fancy the pants off him.

BUT he's got an extremely forceful personality and it causes so many arguments between us. For example, last night he decided on a film for us, I said fine and we settled down on the sofa to watch it. Half way through I commented that I struggled to enjoy films with the much loved actor in them anymore after the allegations of sexual harassment. What followed was a massive argument simply because he didn't agree with me. I'm fine with him disagreeing, but I can't tolerate him shouting over me, victim blaming, accusing me of being drunk and unreasonable (when he'd drank far more than me) and just acting like a complete jerk. He does this regularly. Talks over me, refuses to let me have an opinion, berates me for being 'wrong' and lately has had a go at me for 'trying to be woke'. I'm not particularly very 'woke' whatever that means, I just have my own set of opinions and think they should be given the same weight as his.
On a weekly basis now I'm finding myself saying to myself 'that's it, I'm done! This shit is making me miserable as fuck' but then I always find myself making excuses for him and so we carry on. It's shit. I can't see that we're compatible when he has such a domineering personality and I'm not the type to be his doormat.
I know I need to let this relationship go now but I can't. Does anyone have any advice, or words for me that will give me the kick up the arse I need?
It's so sad because I care for him so much and I want him to always be a part of my life. Just not like this.

This sounds really hard for you OP. You are so brave making this decision. You have stood up for yourself and sent a clear message that you are not going to be walked over! Can you throw yourself into hobbies and friends to keep you strong and remember who You are and what You value. I think over the time his dismissive behaviour about your views would grind you down but also is a clue to more dangerous behaviours that will creep in - as in diminishing your confidence. You wanted to leave and you have. It will be better after a few weeks. You know it will. It is sad and it will stay with you for a while while you process it. That is normal but not a sign to rekindle the relationship. Who the fuck does he think his is that he can shut you down? And intelligence is nothing without humbleness. The wit comes from his arrogance.

Good for you OP. Your last few posts seem to be tending towards bigging him up, although I know you are only offering examples as to why your struggle to disengage is real. I do understand.

Please know that I have direct experience of a man such as this. Take it from me, it will not get better. Xxx

It’s not a case of letting him go either, don’t romanticise it. Push him out and bolt the door.

It sounds like he is a master of self promotion.
He has utterly convinced you and probably others that he is a good guy.
The misery and discomfort that you feel is because time and time again his image and words/actions dont match.
He is your champion but you have no voice.
This is a form of gaslighting Op

OP, it might be worth screen capturing his FB posts, links and messages. Also write a list of all the hurtful things he has done and said. Whenever you weaken take a look and remind yourself why you have finished with him.
How long before he is shouting down your daughter's opinions?
My friend once said to me, just because he doesn't beat you, doesn't make him a good person.
Stay strong, I know it's difficult .

Might be wise to read up on 'narcissists hoovering techniques' (The things they do to try and get you back under their control). He won't like it that his mouse has escaped. Might also be worthwhile to read up on 'the narcissists smear canpaign'.

I'm sorry to add to this horror show of a thread, but there's been a development. I'm pregnant. I literally don't know where to turn or what to do, I'm gutted.

Of course you are.
Il ne manquait que ca.

rosamacrose

I haven't replied so far OP, but just saw your update and want to send you my thoughts and care. Please take a breath, and talk to someone who cares about you IRL. A close friend or family member. Can you get some practical help and support from those who love you? You are probably barely eating or sleeping. Don't rush to tell him - don't rush anything - just get some help around you.

Sounds like you know deep down what needs to be done. It just isn't always easy to do it.

He’s a fucking arsehole love. Get rid ASAP.

@moochooser yes you do op. If you want to go ahead with it doesnt mean you need to go back to him. Last thing you want is for your child to grow up with his opposing opinions on women like that. Protect yourself and your baby and keep him well at arms length if that's the route you want to go down. Goodluck

I will not comment on your pregnancy, OP, but having managed to give up two addictions in the last few years, I think toxic relationships can be like an addiciton too. In my case, when I think I'd like a cigarette, I remember how I enjoyed cigarettes in the past, but I cannot get the harm they would do me if I went back to them out of my head.

The same with this man, you can be glad that had a time when you enjoyed being with him, but you aren't going back because the future with him would be grim.

And it's not about whether he like Jordan Petersen (whose an idiot) or Mahatma Ghandi, it's about his insistence that you bow down to his superior intelligence, without offering one decent argument

I don't want to sound insensitive and unhelpful. But I think in these circumstances I'd have a termination. If you have the baby your ex will be part of your life forever and he sounds bad for you. I'm so sorry this happened

The nice and nasty cycle is a common control technique for abusive relationships. It's highly effective and it works as slowly you are worn down.

At the start the abusive person only reveals their wonderful side, which can be highly capable and intelligent. There will be grand gestures to show how aligned he is to your values. (aka the school shoes incident and FB post) You feel you have met your soul mate. This is mirroring and many abusers are chameleons with a low sense of self so can switch on/off views depending on their audience.

Due to the mirroring the connection is amazing. However in private they will start to devalue and dismiss your opinions. This is because they fear you having different views to them as it threatens their autonomy. You either have to submit to their views or be in conflict with them. Most abusive people have a very high tolerance to conflict whereas it drains empathic people. Over time the conflict becomes constant and the abuser starts to label the partner as crazy, irrational, angry. Longterm they usually leave by finding another person and the cycle continues.

The change in behaviour towards you causes cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding.it's why getting away is really tough however a mantra should be "get out and stay out".

Op, I hope you didn't leave your lovely husband for this man, even if he was in the wings and caused you to feel your husband was no longer suitable for you.

I feel like I'm questioning who I am these days, what I believe, if I know my own mind. I want out now, I just feel so weak for some reason.

Personally I think bringing a baby into this dynamic, with a bully, would be incredibly selfish. To your existing kids too. You have options.

Being pregnant shouldn't change your decision re the relationship.

Make your decision on bringing up a baby as a single parent. Your body, your choice

@rosamacrose

Of course you are. Il ne manquait que ca.

Don't you mean 'il ne manquait plus que ça'?

Before we became a couple we were best friends and I feel we know each other inside out.

And then this

He's really quite a fucked up person...I just wish I knew this before I let him in my bed.

He was always like this, you’ve just done a good job of ignoring the bad bits up until now.

Please arrange solo counselling ASAP.