I need to let him go, don't I?

[moochooser]

I'm in a relationship with a man I love and admire very much. Before we became a couple we were best friends and I feel we know each other inside out. Everything should be perfect, but it isn't sadly.
Maybe it's because I'm in love for the first time since my marriage ended, but I appear to have a tendency for self sabotaging relationships and pushing him away. I think I'm afraid of getting hurt or rejected, so I push him away before he can do the same to me.
When we're together we have so much fun. He makes me laugh, he's interesting and clever. Plus I fancy the pants off him.

BUT he's got an extremely forceful personality and it causes so many arguments between us. For example, last night he decided on a film for us, I said fine and we settled down on the sofa to watch it. Half way through I commented that I struggled to enjoy films with the much loved actor in them anymore after the allegations of sexual harassment. What followed was a massive argument simply because he didn't agree with me. I'm fine with him disagreeing, but I can't tolerate him shouting over me, victim blaming, accusing me of being drunk and unreasonable (when he'd drank far more than me) and just acting like a complete jerk. He does this regularly. Talks over me, refuses to let me have an opinion, berates me for being 'wrong' and lately has had a go at me for 'trying to be woke'. I'm not particularly very 'woke' whatever that means, I just have my own set of opinions and think they should be given the same weight as his.
On a weekly basis now I'm finding myself saying to myself 'that's it, I'm done! This shit is making me miserable as fuck' but then I always find myself making excuses for him and so we carry on. It's shit. I can't see that we're compatible when he has such a domineering personality and I'm not the type to be his doormat.
I know I need to let this relationship go now but I can't. Does anyone have any advice, or words for me that will give me the kick up the arse I need?
It's so sad because I care for him so much and I want him to always be a part of my life. Just not like this.

How can he be intelligent if he believes a feminism and white privilege debunker? And he can't have a balanced discussion about a differing opinion to his own without resorting to shouting and putting you down? Makes no sense to me.

I think you're hooked on his physicality. He makes you feel good. Unfortunately this doesn't make for a good relationship if he's actually completely cuntish in his views.

You know what you need to do. And don't let him talk you round - nothing will change. At least you've discovered this about him now and not after you've moved in together or something. Tell him you need space and then block for a bit.

@moochooser

My dad was volatile and abuse towards my mum, sisters and I growing up. I wouldn't describe myself as a people pleaser at all though, and I've always had very healthy boundaries in my relationships against all the odds thanks to my childhood. It's just THIS man. It's like he's got under my skin and I'm hooked. I've never experienced anything like this before. I think he holds my interest by showing me how great he can be, then brings me crashing back down to Earth with his shitty behaviour.

This is called Trauma bonding Op Reel you in, put you down, reel you in, put you. You get hooked on the intense highs that come after the lows. He sounds ghastly and has zero respect for you or who you are. Get rid of him

Something else to ponder - do you want your children to see him treating you like this in a discussion as they get older? Do you want them to think this is normal? Do you want them to be exposed to these views?

Probably not.

He doesn't sound intelligent to me. Just a massive arsehole.
Classic abusive behaviour btw. Hid his real personality until he hooked you in.
Dump then block. Don't let him into your home.

Well that biting wit was a bit of a giveaway really, because underneath that 'humour' is, well, just a bit of an arsehole. I bet you loads of people around you can see right through him.

The thing is sexual attraction and chemistry only take you so far. When this fades to a normal al every dah level - which it will, then you’ll be left with someone who you don’t actually like all that much.

Being friends with someone is different because you can choose to overlook the fact you don’t share political beliefs etc because you’re only spending a small % of your time with them. Going and meeting a friend for coffee doesn’t mean you need to agree on the fundamentals of life - you can have shared interests and bond over them and leave the rest.

But that’s when it’s a limited interaction, a partner is different. You cannot share a life with someone you share no beliefs with. You are absolutely poles apart from this man, you can’t be a feminist and live a life with a man who isn’t an ally for instance. It simply will not work.

We’re talking about the foundations of who you are as a person. You don’t have to agree on everything but you have to agree on the major parts. You can’t ignore them as you’ve found.

The other part of this is that he doesn’t even allow you the space to disagree or have contrasting opinions. My DP doesn’t necessarily agree with my stance on everything but he doesn’t override my opinions and try to belittle or disarm me by shouting and getting irate. We agree to disagree and move on with our day. Because we are mature adults who accept our opinion is just that - an opinion and not everyone has to share it.

OP the lust and haze will pass in time and what will you be left with? That’s what you must realise. You said he’s got under your skin - well we’ve all been there but show me a woman who is still well and truly under a spell two years down the line? No. Honeymoon phase, lust, dicksand, whatever you want to call it - they all pass and then you see the reality of what you’ve settled for.

He sounds like a massive bore, a victim of toxic masculinity and probably a leader in the “not all men” brigade. To be honest I don’t know how your fanny hasn’t closed up by itself.
Get rid

I’m curious as to whether he didn’t do this when you were friends, or you didn’t notice, or it didn’t matter?
Because if one of my friends was like this, I don’t think I’d promote them to boyfriend.
If he didn’t do it when you were friends, then he is capable of controlling this impulse to be a knob and is choosing not to...

I don't understand why you admire a man who is deeply misogynist and possibly emotionally abusive? It doesn't matter how nice he is some of the time, he believes feminism needs to be debunked, has abhorrent political and social views and regularly bullies you in an attempt to shut you up? What is there to admire here?

If he's anti feminist, doesn't believe in white privilege etc, I'd put money on him being a big victim blamer and a racist. Do you have daughters? what happens when they go out wearing a short skirt as a teenager and he tells them it's their fault if they get sexually abused?

He's awful and what little good there is here should be hard to see over the other stuff.

I know that he does this intermittent reinforcement stuff with me. Like...he will shut me down and ignore me from time to time in order to keep me hanging. He's really quite a fucked up person...I just wish I knew this before I let him in my bed.

I don't know what my exit plan for this relationship is. I feel like I'm questioning who I am these days, what I believe, if I know my own mind. I want out now, I just feel so weak for some reason.

@moochooser

I don't know what my exit plan for this relationship is. I feel like I'm questioning who I am these days, what I believe, if I know my own mind. I want out now, I just feel so weak for some reason.

This is what his abusive behaviour is doing to you. You are being broken down. These men love a woman who is strong with firm boundaries. It gives them a powerful high to break you down.

You feeling weak has been his goal. Now he can tread all over you.

Seriously, it doesn't take much. Just text him and block him.

Just text him that you have realised that you are incompatible and that you no longer wish to continue the relationship or discuss it further.
Then just anything he comes back with, repeat: I do not wish to be in a relationship with you, this is not a negotiation. Then block.

You can do this. Don’t let him manipulate you into being miserable.

I think you should consider relationship counselling - alone

Something has happened to me during the course of this relationship. It's like I'm addicted, and I know that sounds pathetic, but it's true. The feeling I get when my phone makes that noise it makes when only he messages, and conversely the feelings he elicits in me when he's ignoring me. I don't understand why I'm finding it so hard to walk away.
Before him I dated a guy who turned out to be a complete knobhead. The scales fell from my eyes when he called his ex wife a 'nutter' and said she was crazy. I had no problem whosoever telling him to fuck off and blocking him. Why is this man different in my mind?

@Branleuse

I think you should consider relationship counselling - alone

Yes, I think you may well be right there.

When he left for work early this morning he shook me and kissed me goodbye. I pretended to be sleepy and just went along with it but in reality I'd been awake for hours thinking things over in my head.
He hasn't messaged me yet today, which is highly unusual for him so I think he probably knows I'm sick of his shit. I made it pretty clear to him last night that I think he's a massive wanker, but as is typical for him he'll be doing this weird stand offish thing now where he won't message me today, he'll wait for me to crack first and then he'll just carry on as if nothing happened.

I don't know if I'm going to block him, given our long history as friends. But I do know that I can't afford to crack again, I have to stick to my guns now.

You might find this useful OP
www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/in-relationship-with-a-narcissist

Some people are very good at mirroring what you want back at you, so you feel like they are amazing. It's addictive and not real.

I ended a relationship a short while ago with a man I really liked because he made remarks about 'certain' women I didn't like. Including about feminists.

It was sad because he was always lovely to me. Lifted me up. And we laughed so much and really clicked.

But I had the feeling that might change. I didn't know for certain but I didnt need to. Because my number one priority has to be looking out for my own safety.

Also, I want a partner to be a good human being as a whole. Not just someone who is good to me.

Your partner isn't even good to you. He is already showing you contempt.

Time to go.

If you'd watched the Jordan Peterson video and discussed it with him, would he have listened to your opinion?

On Wikipedia it says (for example) this about JP:
He has attributed the rise of Donald Trump and far-right European politicians to what he says is a negative reaction to a push to "feminize" men, saying "If men are pushed too hard to feminize they will become more and more interested in harsh, fascist political ideology."

That's just an example of an area for potentially interesting debate with him, but only if you get to express your own ideas.

He might be one of those clever people who enjoys playing around with ideas and gets impatient with anyone who expresses a doctrine as sacrosanct, without being able to explain or discuss it in depth.

Being passionate about finding your own truth might not be the same as being a bully, although only you can tell what's going on.

Would he have listened, would he have welcomed a debate with you on the video he sent (for example)?

If not, then yes, he is dismissive of you and that's not going to change.

How the fuck can you “love and admire” someone who hates women? Debunking feminism, ugh please, my fanny would seal shut. Maybe you need to think about why your standards are so low.

If he's in his game playing mode of not playing texting you and ignoring you, let him
carry on.
He'll text eventually when he wants his stuff.
How old are your children? Can you explain it to them ?

Unfortunately this is what they do - they hook you in, get you on the high/low roundabout and you end up not knowing if you're coming or going. I'd say him not messaging today is not because he's thinking about how he might have upset you - its actually more likely to be designed to make you think about him all day, so that when he eventually turns up you'll be so grateful that you'll forget/forgive why you were annoyed. I've been on this merry go round with my ex and it ends badly.

You absolutely have to cut them off if you end things. When I told my ex to leave the behaviour escalated to very extreme measures and the only way to deal with it is no contact. Yes your kids might be upset for a while but you just explain that the relationship wasn't healthy, and its really important that a relationship is healthy, so therefore you ended it. Its a life lesson that we all need to learn x

To clarify, my SO wasn't 'debunking feminism'. I was referring to a JP video I'd seen where some of his comments may or may not have been taken out of context, but the upshot was this debunking of feminism thing.

I've come across men like this, technically intelligent, charismatic, witty and a big personality, but underneath they are rightwing, racist, sexist pigs. Him accusing you of being 'woke' and no doubt complaining about 'too much political correctness' would turn me right off.

He won't change and you will spend your life having him belittle you and try and control your thoughts. It's good that you are recognising how awful he is, but this is who he is, with horrible values and I couldn't live with that.