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Original poster

Weak to Stay or Weak to Leave

165 replies

Tamara125 · 06/05/2021 12:31

Blurgh. I need some advice, and have exhausted all other options.. please help..!

So let me set the scene. I have been with my Fiancé since 2016, engaged last year, getting married Autumn 21.

We live in my house, his three children stay every other weekend, and one night in the week. House is getting too small, children getting bigger.

I suggested exploring to move, and had put my home on the market (with his support and consent) and it went under offer at full asking price on the first viewing... result!

We arranged some viewings at some houses in the area, and booked an appointment with our friend who is a financial advisor.

During the appointment, I discovered he has £11,000 worth of loans and credit card debt from what he says built up in his last relationship, and when we first got together. He has lied his way through our whole relationship, me forgiving him each time he has failed to come up with the truth. I feel he has lied, he feels he was ashamed. I had to remove my property from the market, tell all friends and family we aren't actually moving... they obviously asked why - my parents are completely gutted that he's been deceitful yet again.

We call it his 'annual screw up' as every year around this time, something comes to light, whether he's been deleting text messages, lying about seeing his ex etc etc. He just doesn't give up with his deceit.

Heres the issue. He's sorry. He won't do it again. Worst part of all, he's a charmer. He goes to the end of the earth to charm me, but not the end of the earth to just be a decent human being.

One of my sisters says walk away, you're weak.. the other one says think about the bigger picture, anybody would be humiliated and he is so ashamed.

We love each other, of course we do. I own the house, I have the car, and I can walk away pretty much unscathed. He however, has little family contact, not a great support network, a bad credit rating and no deposit. I pick his kids up from school, take them here there and everywhere. He has SO much to lose. Why does he keep screwing this up..?

OP posts:
PoTheDog · 06/05/2021 12:36

Reframe it. Stop thinking about weaknesses.

Going forward, do you / can you trust him to be completely honest with you with everything (money, female friends, where he is, what he wants in life etc)? Or are you just waiting for the next "screw-up"?

There is more to being in a good relationship than loving one another.

Leafy12 · 06/05/2021 12:52

'He goes to the end of the earth to charm me, but not the end of the earth to just be a decent human being.' This is a hugely insightful comment, a lot can be said for being a decent human being. Why not want that over the other? You sound like you are being pulled further and further into his mess. Do you want to live your life repeatedly rescuing him and bad mouthing him to your family? You need to make a choice. What does the adult woman in you want from a relationship?

rockingllama · 06/05/2021 13:01

@Tamara125 you put YOUR house on the market with HIS CONSENT Angry
He is a controlling liar do not stay with this man. He has no need to change because he has you where he wants you and knows you will forgive him endlessly. Please leave.

Blanca87 · 06/05/2021 13:04

If you marry him you are giving him half your house. Seriously give your head a wobble and protect your future. Why on earth would you tolerate lying, deleting messages etc. I would also work on your self-esteem.

OrchestraOfWankery · 06/05/2021 13:05

What rockingllama said. How kind of him to give you permission to sell YOUR house Hmm

DaphneBlake101 · 06/05/2021 13:09

He keeps screwing up because he doesn't believe that he's at risk of losing anything. Why would he? You've always bent over backwards to forgive him and facilitate his bad choices.
Keep your house, which is presumably large enough for you when you don't have to take into account his children. Get rid of him.

OrchestraOfWankery · 06/05/2021 13:10

I'm thinking a renting, poorer Tamara125 wouldn't be half as attractive to this lying chancer.

Is your self esteem really this low OP?

musingloud · 06/05/2021 13:10

It doesn't matter why he keeps screwing up. Women so often make this mistake (hands up! I was one of those women and it fucked over my life). Women spend so much time analysing why their partner behaves in the shitty way he does, or theorising about it being due to a bad childhood or undiagnosed disorder or whatever and feeling sorry for him for being so shitty to you.

But listen, all that is irrelevant and a distraction from the absolute central issue that he IS TREATING YOU LIKE SHIT AND A SAP.

It doesn't matter how nice he appears outside the lying. All that matters is he is a liar and always will be.

You will definitely regret tying yourself further to this man. Do not marry him. It will be an expensive divorce for you.

Purplecatshopaholic · 06/05/2021 13:10

If you want to stay with this man (and I wouldn’t if I were you), for goodness sake Do Not marry him.

TheLeadbetterLife · 06/05/2021 13:11

Jesus. I'm sure he's delightful company but don't marry this man. And don't sell your house. You can do better, but if you decide to stay with him, don't marry him.

musingloud · 06/05/2021 13:12

We love each other, of course we do. I own the house, I have the car, and I can walk away pretty much unscathed

Not once you are married you can't. Don't do it.

TheLeadbetterLife · 06/05/2021 13:13

And he keeps screwing things up because he's a screw up. Some people are just crap at life - you'll be running around after him and his kids forever, while he coasts along, screwing up over and over.

Treetops73 · 06/05/2021 13:15

I don’t know why he keeps screwing it up. But it’s not your job to figure it out, he is a grown man and a father. it sounds like lying is ingrained in his character. It’s who he is. My exH was the same, even when presented with the incontrovertible evidence of his actions, he still lied. I divorced him because I realised that he had no idea how to be honest - even with himself. As a result, the counselling we had was a waste of time.

The pattern in your relationship is now set. He lies about things, and continues to do so despite being called out on it. From the way you’ve describe it, it sounds like you just accept it and there are no real consequences to him for his behaviour. So why would he change?

You sound fab - an intelligent, capable and independent woman. It sounds like he is onto a great thing with you, you provide him with a place to live, a car to use and you even do all the running around for his children. I know you say you love him, but what does he bring to the partnership? On paper it appears the relationship is not at all balanced or equitable.

Your situation makes me very uneasy OP (perhaps because of some similarities with my past marriage). Tread very carefully. It sounds like you have a lot to lose financially if you were to split following the marriage. I had the same with my exH, I was careful with my money and provided for us; he was irresponsible and ran up huge debts. If you do stay with him, I’d recommend not marrying. If you buy a house together, put it in trust so in the event of a split you would get your initial investment back plus half of any profits. be wary and protect yourself. Good luck 💐

TheLeadbetterLife · 06/05/2021 13:18

By the way, I know whereof I speak. My first long term boyfriend was a serial screw up. Nice guy, and we've stayed friends, but he just couldn't help but hit the self-destruct button every few months. He was like Homer Simpson with that big, red "do not press" button.

These people don't change (he hasn't) and they're a nightmare to try to have a relationship with.

kittykarate · 06/05/2021 13:19

I don't think I could live with the knowledge that the pattern of the relationship has been set - he fucks up, he gets all ashamed, you forgive. He hasn't changed, or learned from experience and has no reason to, so the question you have to ask is "Am I happy to live like this, always waiting for this years fuck up and risk my future financial well being?"

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/05/2021 13:22

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Lying seems to come to this man as easily as breathing.
All you seem to be to him is some sort of rescuer and or saviour and being either in a relationship does not work particularly to the likes of him.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Why are your boundaries so poor that you've kept on facilitating him and his bad choices in life?. Did your dad treat your mother this similarly?.

Original poster
Tamara125 · 06/05/2021 13:29

[quote rockingllama]@Tamara125 you put YOUR house on the market with HIS CONSENT Angry
He is a controlling liar do not stay with this man. He has no need to change because he has you where he wants you and knows you will forgive him endlessly. Please leave.[/quote]
OK consent is the wrong word... support and encouragement.

The next step is getting him to leave. The only reason I never leave him when he's screwed up is because he physically will not leave.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoinprimary · 06/05/2021 13:29

He goes to the end of the earth to charm me, but not the end of the earth to just be a decent human being.

Agree with @Leafy12 that this is very insightful. How long does being charming take? A week? So once a year he is super charming for a week and then the other 51 weeks a year he does whatever he wants whilst you bankroll him and look after his children. Sounds good from a cost benefit analysis point of view.

To be a decent human being you have to do that Every Single Day. Why would he do that when he can just spend a week a year being charming?

Of course if he genuinely loved you and wanted you to be happy then being decent would be no effort at all.

Betalife · 06/05/2021 13:30

Either get out or put the wedding on hold so you can see how things go. Do not get married to this person yet. Please.

Original poster
Tamara125 · 06/05/2021 13:32

I guess it's just the routine, having someone around, being in a habit of settling for this because he is so difficult to leave. When I say he's difficult to leave, I have attempted to leave him every time he screws up, but refuses to leave and persists until I give in.

OP posts:
TheLeadbetterLife · 06/05/2021 13:33

It's your house. Legally he has to leave.

OrchestraOfWankery · 06/05/2021 13:34

The only reason I never leave him when he's screwed up is because he physically will not leave.

That makes no sense. You were selling your house to get a larger one FOR HIS KIDS.

You call him your fiance - have a date for the wedding. You clearly want him to stay.

Original poster
Tamara125 · 06/05/2021 13:34

@Mumoftwoinprimary

He goes to the end of the earth to charm me, but not the end of the earth to just be a decent human being.

Agree with @Leafy12 that this is very insightful. How long does being charming take? A week? So once a year he is super charming for a week and then the other 51 weeks a year he does whatever he wants whilst you bankroll him and look after his children. Sounds good from a cost benefit analysis point of view.

To be a decent human being you have to do that Every Single Day. Why would he do that when he can just spend a week a year being charming?

Of course if he genuinely loved you and wanted you to be happy then being decent would be no effort at all.

Completely agree. I don't understand how it is so hard to be a transparent person, but I don't have any skeleton's in my closet and am proud of who I am... he most certainly isn't proud but refuses to own up to his own actions.
OP posts:
TheLeadbetterLife · 06/05/2021 13:34

@Tamara125

I guess it's just the routine, having someone around, being in a habit of settling for this because he is so difficult to leave. When I say he's difficult to leave, I have attempted to leave him every time he screws up, but refuses to leave and persists until I give in.
Well he certainly knows he's got it made being with you.

Next time he's out, pack up his stuff and don't let him back in.

Original poster
Tamara125 · 06/05/2021 13:35

@TheLeadbetterLife

It's your house. Legally he has to leave.
Of course he has to leave, but he refuses to because he wants to make this work. He has always been this way, the only way to get him to leave is to remove his and his childrens things and change the locks - where do I put it all? What am I supposed to do?
OP posts: