Weak to Stay or Weak to Leave

[Tamara125]

Blurgh. I need some advice, and have exhausted all other options.. please help..!

So let me set the scene. I have been with my Fiancé since 2016, engaged last year, getting married Autumn 21.

We live in my house, his three children stay every other weekend, and one night in the week. House is getting too small, children getting bigger.

I suggested exploring to move, and had put my home on the market (with his support and consent) and it went under offer at full asking price on the first viewing... result!

We arranged some viewings at some houses in the area, and booked an appointment with our friend who is a financial advisor.

During the appointment, I discovered he has £11,000 worth of loans and credit card debt from what he says built up in his last relationship, and when we first got together. He has lied his way through our whole relationship, me forgiving him each time he has failed to come up with the truth. I feel he has lied, he feels he was ashamed. I had to remove my property from the market, tell all friends and family we aren't actually moving... they obviously asked why - my parents are completely gutted that he's been deceitful yet again.

We call it his 'annual screw up' as every year around this time, something comes to light, whether he's been deleting text messages, lying about seeing his ex etc etc. He just doesn't give up with his deceit.

Heres the issue. He's sorry. He won't do it again. Worst part of all, he's a charmer. He goes to the end of the earth to charm me, but not the end of the earth to just be a decent human being.

One of my sisters says walk away, you're weak.. the other one says think about the bigger picture, anybody would be humiliated and he is so ashamed.

We love each other, of course we do. I own the house, I have the car, and I can walk away pretty much unscathed. He however, has little family contact, not a great support network, a bad credit rating and no deposit. I pick his kids up from school, take them here there and everywhere. He has SO much to lose. Why does he keep screwing this up..?

I think that you love the idea of the man you think that he could become...not the man he actually is.

The only reason I never leave him when he's screwed up is because he physically will not leave.

I'd suggest starting a new post with the heading "how to get XDP to leave my home" or something like that.

I have no relevant experience but I do know how easy it is to give drastic hard headed advice (throw his stuff out and change the locks while he is at work) and how hard it is to actually carry through (when he is weeping on your doorstep/telling all your friends how devastated he is/telling you his kids hearts are broken etc).

All I can say is it's likely to be like childbirth - painful, messy and humiliating but over relatively quickly and soon forgotten in the joy of the outcome. Your life will be much much better without him. Flowers

Can you have someone else there with you, in the house if not in the same room, when you tell him to leave? Preferably a male friend or relative.

Someone who know about the legal aspects will hopefully post soon, but if it’s your property in your name, I doubt he has any right to be there.

OP.. thanks for the thought you've given me. I was considering to accept living together my charmer yet liar boyfriend... who also has 3 children (and demands space for them).. seeing that you have difficulty to wriggle out of the situation... I need to rethink my own. So thank you.

He keeps doing the same things because he doesn’t have any respect for you and believes fully that he can do anything and then talk you round. Because that’s what you have shown him will happen. He is treating you with contempt, time and time again and sorry but you’re just letting him.

If he won’t leave when you tell him to, you call the police. Just like you would any other trespasser that’s walked in off the street. It’s that simple, if you want it to be. On the other hand, if you actually enjoy the drama and being grovelled to once a year or so, then carry on as you are.

Sorry to be blunt but your post makes for a frustrating read. Do you not think you’re worth more than this?

It's not about wanting him to stay, I am not wearing my ring and we are not speaking. This has been the case for nearly 3 weeks since our appointment. He's acting like normal when his children are here and I have kept myself busy at the gym, working (I have a beauty studio at home)

Where did he live before he moved in, can he go back there.
Does he earn enough to pay off the debt.
So when he next persists until you give in tell him he has to live on his own and you will see him once a week until all the debt is paid off, he can look after his own kids. This is only if you want to, I would leave him for the lying.

You have great sense oreo. Don't move him in. Please also think about why you are still with this liar.

OK, I definitely do not enjoy the drama, and I don't know if it's drama when it causes my world to crash down every time he fucks up. But thanks for your insight. Life isn't easy... I work part time and have recently enrolled in my Nursing degree. I know I am worth more, but it's as if you cannot consider he has everything to lose and will not give up. Taking on someones flaws and their 3 children certainly isn't a ride in the park, but I've persisted. When it's good its really good, and when its bad it's really bad. Sorry for frustrating you with my situation.

Wait till he goes out. Call a locksmith. Change locks.
Pack up his stuff, take it to his mother's.
If he turns up demanding to come in call the police.
Job done.
Stop asking him, take control. Be glad you aren't married and don't have kids with him because then you would be stuck with him in your life for the rest of your life.

@oreo2020

OP.. thanks for the thought you've given me. I was considering to accept living together my charmer yet liar boyfriend... who also has 3 children (and demands space for them).. seeing that you have difficulty to wriggle out of the situation... I need to rethink my own. So thank you.

Glad I could help. Seem's we're in a similar boat. And maybe 5 years down the line I should have just saved myself the trouble.

yes sorry for being a bit blasé and flippant earlier! I know it's much easier said than done. Just know that legally you can play hardball if you need to.

Isn't there a line in The War of the Roses (the Danny de Vito film) about this? "how do you get someone to stay who wants to leave, and how do you get someone to leave who won't go?"

Of course, the Roses were married...

I agree with @Purplewithred. Start a new thread with a title like ‘how can I make my ex leave my house “ and you will get good advice.

You don't need to throw out his kids because they only stay at yours a few days a month and he will take their things when he leaves.

@Bananalanacake

Where did he live before he moved in, can he go back there. Does he earn enough to pay off the debt. So when he next persists until you give in tell him he has to live on his own and you will see him once a week until all the debt is paid off, he can look after his own kids. This is only if you want to, I would leave him for the lying.

Faced with that sort of ultimatum he'll soon move on to the next accommodating woman anyway. It's easier for him than actually addressing his mistakes and doing the decent thing.

OP needs to get rid entirely. No pussyfooting.

@Tamara125

OK, I definitely do not enjoy the drama, and I don't know if it's drama when it causes my world to crash down every time he fucks up. But thanks for your insight. Life isn't easy... I work part time and have recently enrolled in my Nursing degree. I know I am worth more, but it's as if you cannot consider he has everything to lose and will not give up. Taking on someones flaws and their 3 children certainly isn't a ride in the park, but I've persisted. When it's good its really good, and when its bad it's really bad. Sorry for frustrating you with my situation.

I’m not trying to have a go I’m just baffled that you seem to consider yourself to have no agency over your own life. You say he ‘won’t give up’.....he doesn’t get to decide that. What will he do? Is he violent? Have you told him previously to leave by X date and if he doesn’t you will call the police? And he hasn’t left so have you called the police?

It doesn’t sound like you have done any of that i.e. practical steps to take back your home and get rid of this man who you insist you don’t want to be there. It sounds like all he’s had to do is sit there and say some charming things, let enough time pass and it’s al forgotten.

I’m not trying to be mean but I think you’re in denial about how much you actually want to end this dramatic rollercoaster of a relationship. If you wanted to, you would have by now.

@Purplewithred

The only reason I never leave him when he's screwed up is because he physically will not leave.

I'd suggest starting a new post with the heading "how to get XDP to leave my home" or something like that.

I have no relevant experience but I do know how easy it is to give drastic hard headed advice (throw his stuff out and change the locks while he is at work) and how hard it is to actually carry through (when he is weeping on your doorstep/telling all your friends how devastated he is/telling you his kids hearts are broken etc).

All I can say is it's likely to be like childbirth - painful, messy and humiliating but over relatively quickly and soon forgotten in the joy of the outcome. Your life will be much much better without him. Flowers

Probably a really good idea. He has landed up on doorsteps seeking advice from friends and they've all told him that he has royally screwed up, and I have every right to walk away, and he needs to see it.

You're message is really gratefully received... thanks for not attacking me for being too kind rather than just stupid xxx

I really hope you leave this relationship and don't marry him OP! Hiding 11 grand worth of debt for the entirety of your 5 year relationship is inexcusable let alone the backstory of him being historically untrustworthy.

Sounds like you've got it made with your own house and business and are also hands on with his children. No wander he doesn't want to leave! Why would he?

I agree with pp pack up his stuff, change the locks and be firm with him that it's over. It will be hard but you'll look back in 5 years time and know it's the best decision you ever made. You deserve better!

Take the ring to a jeweller's and sell it. Given he won't leave easily, all you can do is to pack up his things when he's not in, ask a friend to come round for support, and give him the money with the bags. He's a real cheeky fucker saying he won't leave your house.

And are you currently doing school runs for his children, given that you say you’re not speaking? I’d bet a lot that you’re still running around and doing his work for him...of course he isn’t going to give up on this kind of set up easily. I think you’d be surprised how much easier your life became if you got rid of him properly.

@oreo2020

OP.. thanks for the thought you've given me. I was considering to accept living together my charmer yet liar boyfriend... who also has 3 children (and demands space for them).. seeing that you have difficulty to wriggle out of the situation... I need to rethink my own. So thank you.

We call it his 'annual screw up' as every year around this time, something comes to light, whether he's been deleting text messages, lying about seeing his ex etc etc. He just doesn't give up with his deceit.

I reckon he'd be round at his ex's within five minutes of you kicking him out.

For what it's worth, my sister is exactly the same as your dp. They never ever change.
You can waste a lot of time wondering why but it's basically because they can and they don't see a problem with it.
My sister's exh finally lost it when bailiffs turned up.
He didn't know she had borrowed money. She had been doing it for 20 years. He would find out, bail her out. She would promise no more lies. Lather rinse repeat.
If you ask her now, 10 years on she still thinks she was the injured party and is still up to her neck in debt. Gone back to her maiden name to put the sharks off the scent.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

And are you currently doing school runs for his children, given that you say you’re not speaking? I’d bet a lot that you’re still running around and doing his work for him...of course he isn’t going to give up on this kind of set up easily. I think you’d be surprised how much easier your life became if you got rid of him properly.

No, I have made myself scarce when they're here, left him to do dinners and have been working in the evening to be out of the way. He took the day off work yesterday to pick them up and the eldest (nearly 17) dropped the children off on his walk home.

I agree it will be easier, it's getting there in the first place which is going to be the challenge.

On a practical level you only need to pack up some of his belongings and change the locks.

You could arrange to drop his DC stuff at their Mums at a time they are likely to be home.

Give him an appointment to collect the rest of his stuff and have someone else handover his stuff so he can't try and sweet talk you around.

Get very angry, he has been living off you financially, using you as a housekeeper and cook whilst texting other women and lying to you.

@HollowTalk

We call it his 'annual screw up' as every year around this time, something comes to light, whether he's been deleting text messages, lying about seeing his ex etc etc. He just doesn't give up with his deceit.

I reckon he'd be round at his ex's within five minutes of you kicking him out.

You're probably right...