Weak to Stay or Weak to Leave

[Tamara125]

Blurgh. I need some advice, and have exhausted all other options.. please help..!

So let me set the scene. I have been with my Fiancé since 2016, engaged last year, getting married Autumn 21.

We live in my house, his three children stay every other weekend, and one night in the week. House is getting too small, children getting bigger.

I suggested exploring to move, and had put my home on the market (with his support and consent) and it went under offer at full asking price on the first viewing... result!

We arranged some viewings at some houses in the area, and booked an appointment with our friend who is a financial advisor.

During the appointment, I discovered he has £11,000 worth of loans and credit card debt from what he says built up in his last relationship, and when we first got together. He has lied his way through our whole relationship, me forgiving him each time he has failed to come up with the truth. I feel he has lied, he feels he was ashamed. I had to remove my property from the market, tell all friends and family we aren't actually moving... they obviously asked why - my parents are completely gutted that he's been deceitful yet again.

We call it his 'annual screw up' as every year around this time, something comes to light, whether he's been deleting text messages, lying about seeing his ex etc etc. He just doesn't give up with his deceit.

Heres the issue. He's sorry. He won't do it again. Worst part of all, he's a charmer. He goes to the end of the earth to charm me, but not the end of the earth to just be a decent human being.

One of my sisters says walk away, you're weak.. the other one says think about the bigger picture, anybody would be humiliated and he is so ashamed.

We love each other, of course we do. I own the house, I have the car, and I can walk away pretty much unscathed. He however, has little family contact, not a great support network, a bad credit rating and no deposit. I pick his kids up from school, take them here there and everywhere. He has SO much to lose. Why does he keep screwing this up..?

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

And are you currently doing school runs for his children, given that you say you’re not speaking? I’d bet a lot that you’re still running around and doing his work for him...of course he isn’t going to give up on this kind of set up easily. I think you’d be surprised how much easier your life became if you got rid of him properly.

Get very angry, he has been living off you financially, using you as a housekeeper and cook whilst texting other women and lying to you.

Don't forget using OP to do his parenting for him. A free nanny - with sex on tap too.

In which case you really need to think about that. For one thing you don't have to worry about him being homeless. For another if he's been surreptitiously in touch with her anyway and deleting messages etc, then very good riddance.

@MrsMoastyToasty

I think that you love the idea of the man you think that he could become...not the man he actually is.

You're completely right. I said to him last week all he does is just bury the person he really is to try and be the person I want him to be. His very ashamed of the real person he is... but does little to change it.

I don’t know why he keeps screwing it up. But it’s not your job to figure it out, he is a grown man

This ^^
Start your future without him and find a much better man...

His very ashamed of the real person he is

Is he bollocks. I can imagine his smirking face behind your back.

He's leaving you no other option than to deal with it when he's not there. A reasonable man would accept your decision and would leave quietly. If that was the case you could say he had to leave in a month. This guy isn't like that. He thinks he has a right to be in your house. He doesn't.

Take a day off work when he's working and put everything outside. Get the locks changed and send him a message, telling him to pick up his stuff.

Just don't do it on a day when the children would be there.

Could you take their things to their mum's house? Is his ex their mum?

Just out of interest - what's he been paying while he's been with you, given he and his children are there?

What you're describing is an abusive relationship.

That doesn't mean he's a monster - all abusers have charming lovely sides otherwise nobody would get involved with them.

He doesn't change because this works for him and he doesn't see it as "screwing up" because he knows how to get away with it. It's part of how he keeps control of you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you ignore someone continuing to engage in a harmful course of conduct against you. It doesn't mean you do nothing to protect yourself and stick around to allow them to continue harming you.

The charm as you call it is him exerting control over you.

Hurting you, harming you and then refusing to leave when you try to end the relationship - manipulating and bullying you into submission - is not the behaviour of a decent human being (even if he's capable of imitating one at other times).

None of that is love. That is not the conduct of someone who loves or respects you. Those are hallmarks of abuse / coercive control.

He loves having power over you. If you marry him your life will only get worse because he'll know no matter how much he hurts you that you will always stay and take the abuse. He will have no reason to moderate himself or limit the frequency or severity.

You have the right to end this toxic relationship, to heal and to finally have the chance to move your life forward in a better, healthy way without him. You do not need his permission to call an end to his abuse.

If he refuses to leave your house when you end the relationship, call the police and have him removed.

If you want support before taking that step, speak to Women's Aid. Maybe look at the Freedom Programme. They can help prepare you practically and emotionally in terms of withstanding the emotional manipulation you know he will engage in to try and keep control of you when you leave him.

But I think the most important thing for you to focus on is how you end this relationship safely and as soon as possible - with him leaving your house for good.

I know it's hard, I know it's sad and an emotional rollercoaster but those things will be temporary, whereas if you carry on like this it will destroy you permanently. Don't waste your life. Let people help you get rid of him so you can live the life you deserve.

@HollowTalk

He's leaving you no other option than to deal with it when he's not there. A reasonable man would accept your decision and would leave quietly. If that was the case you could say he had to leave in a month. This guy isn't like that. He thinks he has a right to be in your house. He doesn't.

Take a day off work when he's working and put everything outside. Get the locks changed and send him a message, telling him to pick up his stuff.

Just don't do it on a day when the children would be there.

Could you take their things to their mum's house? Is his ex their mum?

I absolutely agree with this.

A reasonable, decent man who respected you would have accepted your decision and left.

He is not such a man.

Great post, @user1927462849194729.

I would say the ''ashamed'' behaviour may be 80% - 90% a class act - what else can he say or do? He's a charmer but that is not good enough. Charm is easy and cheap. He has considerable baggage - do you want to carry it? To get rid - you change the locks and pack his things up and leave outside the door with note perhaps also say you're ''ashamed'' too BUT you cannot carry on with the relationship so he has to leave (although has failed to do so in the past).

@HollowTalk

Great post, *@user1927462849194729*.

Totally agree. A wonderful post.

I was about to ask that Hollowtalk. Does he pay towards bills and food? if not he is a word beginning with C.

This man has given you one of the harder lessons in life. Don't be hard on yourself for wanting it to work. You have invested 5 years of your life and given yourself completely. You are worth so much more and he knows it. He will say and do anything to keep you. Unfortunately only for long enough to get his way though. Maybe he can learn from you too. If I were you I would rip the plaster right off. Get him out and move on. Please don't marry him or god forbid tie yourself to him with children of your own.

Don’t marry him.

He says what you want to hear and does what he wants. That won’t change. Ever.

I do feel for you. There you are with a longish relationship under your belt, all that emotional investment and he annually screws up, this time its pretty big. Well done for calling an immediate halt to everything and re assessing your life. This is going to be one tough call, there really isn't the future for you that you thought you were going to have. You can stay if you want but you know very well he will lie to you constantly, you wont be able to move as he is so debt ridden and you are left with a child/man who will need you to bail him our. Or, you spend some time going through the process of leaving. Its hard but I am afraid to say its necessary. You wont find your peace staying with him. You need to find your equal not someone who looks at your finances and bank account and rubs his hands with glee as you are his financial buffer.

I am so cross on your behalf that he won't leave when you tell him to - what right does he have to insist that you have a relationship with him!?!

Where his stuff goes and how he looks after his kids are not your problem! I appreciate that you probably care about the children, but they have a mother - they won't go homeless.

Deleted messages??? so he is flirting or worse with someone else? Stop making light of it by calling it an "annual screw up" it's cheating and he does not love you
You have a useless cock lodging with you get rid ASAP

Please, he's not ashamed of the person he is. He's a habitual liar and he knows that no matter how much he lies to you, you will forgive and move on. There's no threat, he knows you won't do a darn thing to get him out of your house.

I don't know where you live but you should serve him with eviction papers drawn up by a legal professional. If he doesn't leave by the specified time period the police can remove him from your home.

So I assume you are a busy person ? ..., yet he let you go through with the hassle of putting your home on the market AND wasting the time and hopes of the potential buyers and Booked and attended a financial meeting of someone who is a friend of yours just to waste their time

His behaviour is like that if a con artists, no shame , this will only get worse

Get a friend to help you bag his stuff and tell him to take his shit and get out of your house

You'd be a total mug to put up with him any more. Definitely do not marry this man.

I suppose he exhibits a massive lack of responsibility, massive.
I feel sad for you and the 3 children.

@Tamara125

I guess it's just the routine, having someone around, being in a habit of settling for this because he is so difficult to leave. When I say he's difficult to leave, I have attempted to leave him every time he screws up, but refuses to leave and persists until I give in.

Get him out of your house with help, if necessary. Don't be afraid to call the police if he makes a scene.

Is all this debt really from 5 + years ago?

Why has it not been paid back over the last 5 years?
Surely he has spare money if you are splitting bills, if he doesn't pay towards your bills where is his money going?

My husband of 17 years was a compulsive liar, he had emotional affairs/texting other women and a spending addiction.
He promised constantly he would change but he didn't, I wasted 17 years on him.
Don't be like me, I came out of that marriage a shell of myself.

I'm 3 years out and my ex husband still can't believe I walked away, he thought he would get chance after chance but I warned him and he didn't believe me.