Weak to Stay or Weak to Leave

[Tamara125]

Blurgh. I need some advice, and have exhausted all other options.. please help..!

So let me set the scene. I have been with my Fiancé since 2016, engaged last year, getting married Autumn 21.

We live in my house, his three children stay every other weekend, and one night in the week. House is getting too small, children getting bigger.

I suggested exploring to move, and had put my home on the market (with his support and consent) and it went under offer at full asking price on the first viewing... result!

We arranged some viewings at some houses in the area, and booked an appointment with our friend who is a financial advisor.

During the appointment, I discovered he has £11,000 worth of loans and credit card debt from what he says built up in his last relationship, and when we first got together. He has lied his way through our whole relationship, me forgiving him each time he has failed to come up with the truth. I feel he has lied, he feels he was ashamed. I had to remove my property from the market, tell all friends and family we aren't actually moving... they obviously asked why - my parents are completely gutted that he's been deceitful yet again.

We call it his 'annual screw up' as every year around this time, something comes to light, whether he's been deleting text messages, lying about seeing his ex etc etc. He just doesn't give up with his deceit.

Heres the issue. He's sorry. He won't do it again. Worst part of all, he's a charmer. He goes to the end of the earth to charm me, but not the end of the earth to just be a decent human being.

One of my sisters says walk away, you're weak.. the other one says think about the bigger picture, anybody would be humiliated and he is so ashamed.

We love each other, of course we do. I own the house, I have the car, and I can walk away pretty much unscathed. He however, has little family contact, not a great support network, a bad credit rating and no deposit. I pick his kids up from school, take them here there and everywhere. He has SO much to lose. Why does he keep screwing this up..?

@Tamara125

I guess it's just the routine, having someone around, being in a habit of settling for this because he is so difficult to leave. When I say he's difficult to leave, I have attempted to leave him every time he screws up, but refuses to leave and persists until I give in.

So he essentially manipulates you into staying!

@HollowTalk

Great post, *@user1927462849194729*.

Agreed. A great post. Tamara I had a loving and charming man like this and sadly, I did marry him. 10 years later, after constantly bailing him out, I had lost every material thing including our home. Luckily my children stood by me but a further 7 years down the line, we are all still suffering from the mental fragility that his escalating abuse caused us. Certainly, don't marry him but please take safe steps to remove him and keep him away when he tries to creep his way back in.

Are you sure he has a job? Does he have a gambling habit? Might he be an actual con artist?

I think I'd have a chat with the kids and explain that you and their dad have broken up so they won't be staying at yours any more. Give them a hug, wish them all the best and help them pack. Possibly even explain it to their mum, as it doesn't sound like you can trust their dad to let anyone know what is going on.

Giving a known serial liar and probable cheat access to or influence on your finances or home has been a huge risk. How long had you been together when the first lies became known? Why did you stay? What has made you so vulnerable to a lying charmer that you've given him a home and childcare? You need to sort out that vulnerability before meeting anyone new.

You don't have to leave him if you don't feel like it, I would personally I cannot abide a liar but in the name of God don't marry him - he could walk away with many thousands if you ever decide to or need to get divorced.
I would not marry a liar especially one with three children.
He must have £££££ signs flashing before his eyes, you are letting him treat you like a complete idiot and behaving like one.
Asking his consent to sell your property to house HIS children - seriously I choked on my coffee just now.
You need to take control, you don't need his permission, his children or his lies, he will ruin you.

He keeps screwing up because you let him! Move on ....good luck.

You're completely right. I said to him last week all he does is just bury the person he really is to try and be the person I want him to be. His very ashamed of the real person he is... but does little to change it.

He is not ashamed at all OP, he just gives you the impression he is because he knows you will melt and believe the act. My ex was like this, wound refuse to move, chucked him out to his brothers for two weeks and he came back acting like a changed man for all of 2 minutes. I finally had enough of him and asked him to pack one evening after I asked myself whether I wanted to spend another evening with him in the house. He was a complete user as well. The best thing I did was to show him the door.

It will all get so so much worse if you marry him. He will be entitled to half your house if you split, and you can bet he knows that. Actually it could be more than half, because he has children to house and you dont, thats how divorce court works. Whatever you do, dont marry him.

A divorce court would never give him the bulk of the house given the OP owned it before meeting him, and they'd never base that % on the fact he has children without another woman!

I agree she shouldn't even think of marrying him, though.

Walk away, please don't waste anymore of your time with this man. Its hard but he's not going to change and you will just end up investing more time/money and effort in a relationship that's not going to change and which will just make you unhappy. You sound like a strong capable person who has so much going for them. Don't let him drag you down. Get out , you should be enjoying your life with your partner not having to bail him out and listen to his lies. You deserve so much better.

Be kind to YOURSELF.
Do not marry this man.
Do not hand half your house over to him.

Cancel the wedding. TODAY.
Let everyone know it's cancelled.

Or marry him, put up with him lying, cheating, bleeding you dry before you break up in 10 years with no house, a mountain of debt and no self esteem.

Which sounds best.

Walk away from this relationship
You deserve better
It is currently unbalanced
He seems to have put no effort in
Do not marry him

You wouldn't even need the bigger house if it weren't for the him, his kids and all the baggage. If you did move it should be HIM putting in the effort and money to make it happen.

Also if he's only having the kids some of the time you could end up with a big expensive house that you don't need or want.

I agree with pp, don't marry him! If you want to stay Thats one thing (I wouldn't advise it!) but don't marry him or join up finances

Please don't marry this man OP!

Just because he has the ability to turn on the charm when it is needed, does not mean he really loves you or cares for you. It sounds like he is a classic 'user' and he is desperate to remain in a relationship with you because it provides him with security but still keeps fucking up.

Whatever you do Don't marry him!

I think the sunken cost fallacy is relevant here. I know you've invested five years in this, and I'm sorry that it hasn't worked.

But I agree with all the other voices that he is not the man you want him to be - his actions have proven that, no matter what he says.

Ignore his bluster and focus on the hard facts about him, and I'm sure you'll find that he's not worth a moment more of your time.

Next step - take back control of your life and house, with whatever support you need around you, and look forward to a happier, more secure future.

Definitely get rid. Sounds like my exh. He's a charmer. Didn't find out until I was in too deep that he was always in debt. I helped him clear one lot as I thought it was from his first divorce. Turns out when we were splitting up my stepdaughter told me he had left his first wife in debt, continously slept around & would never change. At this point we were having counselling to make a go if it. My rose tinted glasses fell off at the speed of light!
He's still up to his eyeballs in debt, still flitting from woman to woman. They don't change. Look after yourself, you sound like you have loads going for you, don't be dragged down by his issues. It's hard to make the call to finish, but you will feel so much better when it's done.

Oh op, please don't marry this man. If you do and he keeps fucking up his finances, if you divorced he could end up with rights to your property.
Have you given him a date to leave by ultimatum? Maybe do that with a 'if you're not ready to go by then I'll have you removed by the police' kind of thing.

@Bananalanacake

I was about to ask that Hollowtalk. Does he pay towards bills and food? if not he is a word beginning with C.

He has just recently taken on our bills, before I asked for a contribution (£500) I've just started a nursing degree so he's been paying since then.

@AngusThermopyle

Oh op, please don't marry this man. If you do and he keeps fucking up his finances, if you divorced he could end up with rights to your property. Have you given him a date to leave by ultimatum? Maybe do that with a 'if you're not ready to go by then I'll have you removed by the police' kind of thing.

He came home from work last night, and I said he needs to be out by next Friday and if he isn't my brother in law will be here changing the locks anyway (we have the children today until Sunday, then again on Wednesday) he say's I'm unreasonable and I've overreacted, and all I've thought about is myself... Mr nice guy soon disappeared!

@Joy69

Definitely get rid. Sounds like my exh. He's a charmer. Didn't find out until I was in too deep that he was always in debt. I helped him clear one lot as I thought it was from his first divorce. Turns out when we were splitting up my stepdaughter told me he had left his first wife in debt, continously slept around & would never change. At this point we were having counselling to make a go if it. My rose tinted glasses fell off at the speed of light! He's still up to his eyeballs in debt, still flitting from woman to woman. They don't change. Look after yourself, you sound like you have loads going for you, don't be dragged down by his issues. It's hard to make the call to finish, but you will feel so much better when it's done.

Thank you... yep, sounds like him too (several flings as apparently wasn't 'happy') he and his ex wife never had a functional relationship, both lived separate lives and I found out this week that the property they 'owned' together (he'd led me to believe) was never actually in his name, her Mum bought it for her because she got pregnant with him when they weren't actually even together. My glasses slipped last night when I told him he needs to leave by Friday next week (children are here for the weekend) and he couldn't get over how unreasonable I am, and how I am unfair to ruin both of our lives because of one 'silly' mistake..!

@Luckingfovely

I think the sunken cost fallacy is relevant here. I know you've invested five years in this, and I'm sorry that it hasn't worked.

But I agree with all the other voices that he is not the man you want him to be - his actions have proven that, no matter what he says.

Ignore his bluster and focus on the hard facts about him, and I'm sure you'll find that he's not worth a moment more of your time.

Next step - take back control of your life and house, with whatever support you need around you, and look forward to a happier, more secure future.

Thank you

@Tamara125 You are doing great, mr nice guy went as soon as he knew you had finally hsd enough of him.
His protests haven't worked.
I hope when he said it was only one silly mistake that actually he has been making these mistakes every year.

What did you think when he told you he had cheated on his ex? Most women would have run a mile.

I would just think "do I want to spend the rest of my life like this"? Waiting for the next fuck up. That is entirely up to you.

@feistymumma

You're completely right. I said to him last week all he does is just bury the person he really is to try and be the person I want him to be. His very ashamed of the real person he is... but does little to change it.

He is not ashamed at all OP, he just gives you the impression he is because he knows you will melt and believe the act. My ex was like this, wound refuse to move, chucked him out to his brothers for two weeks and he came back acting like a changed man for all of 2 minutes. I finally had enough of him and asked him to pack one evening after I asked myself whether I wanted to spend another evening with him in the house. He was a complete user as well. The best thing I did was to show him the door.

You're right... I told him last night it's up and he needs to leave by next Friday and I also went round to him parents who he hadn't even told - he wasn't very happy at all about that. I said he is continuing to do what he says he wouldn't do - cover up and save face! Said he would have told them in time but hasn't felt he needed to as thought I would see sense. His parent's are a bit simple and said 'yeah he's never been very open with things' ... no your son is a compulsive liar and only wants people to see the good in him! Onwards and upwards xx

I love his confidence, that you getting rid of him is ruining YOUR life....um, no. It will be making it infinitely better!

He doesn’t actually care enough about you to change, he just enjoys the lifestyle he has with you.

Keep strong and get him to leave-if he won’t by Friday, I would book the day off and pack his stuff in bin bags and leave it outside. BIL changes locks. If he kicks off call the police-it’s your property and has no legal recourse to be there-and thank your lucky stars you didn’t marry him or he would be after half your equity.
Things can only get better from here,