Weak to Stay or Weak to Leave

[Tamara125]

Blurgh. I need some advice, and have exhausted all other options.. please help..!

So let me set the scene. I have been with my Fiancé since 2016, engaged last year, getting married Autumn 21.

We live in my house, his three children stay every other weekend, and one night in the week. House is getting too small, children getting bigger.

I suggested exploring to move, and had put my home on the market (with his support and consent) and it went under offer at full asking price on the first viewing... result!

We arranged some viewings at some houses in the area, and booked an appointment with our friend who is a financial advisor.

During the appointment, I discovered he has £11,000 worth of loans and credit card debt from what he says built up in his last relationship, and when we first got together. He has lied his way through our whole relationship, me forgiving him each time he has failed to come up with the truth. I feel he has lied, he feels he was ashamed. I had to remove my property from the market, tell all friends and family we aren't actually moving... they obviously asked why - my parents are completely gutted that he's been deceitful yet again.

We call it his 'annual screw up' as every year around this time, something comes to light, whether he's been deleting text messages, lying about seeing his ex etc etc. He just doesn't give up with his deceit.

Heres the issue. He's sorry. He won't do it again. Worst part of all, he's a charmer. He goes to the end of the earth to charm me, but not the end of the earth to just be a decent human being.

One of my sisters says walk away, you're weak.. the other one says think about the bigger picture, anybody would be humiliated and he is so ashamed.

We love each other, of course we do. I own the house, I have the car, and I can walk away pretty much unscathed. He however, has little family contact, not a great support network, a bad credit rating and no deposit. I pick his kids up from school, take them here there and everywhere. He has SO much to lose. Why does he keep screwing this up..?

[quote SortingItOut]@Tamara125 You are doing great, mr nice guy went as soon as he knew you had finally hsd enough of him.
His protests haven't worked.
I hope when he said it was only one silly mistake that actually he has been making these mistakes every year.

What did you think when he told you he had cheated on his ex? Most women would have run a mile.[/quote]
His answer to the other mistakes was 'when you agreed to marry me that was my slate wiped clean' .. ha ha ha... I said as if life was that simple. I said it just proves the person you try to change will always come creeping back through when times get tough.

It only came about because I had asked him about STI tests in the past when he told me he'd never had one (yuck) and he said he and his wife were never happy and both of them played away but ignored it for the children's sake (then had two more children to 'fix' things)

I slept better last night than I've slept in over 2 weeks. He crashed around shouting and swearing at me last night when I was going to bed (I've been staying in the children's room when they haven't been here) and I think the realisation hit him that this time things are very different.

@MrsElijahMikaelson1

He doesn’t actually care enough about you to change, he just enjoys the lifestyle he has with you.

Keep strong and get him to leave-if he won’t by Friday, I would book the day off and pack his stuff in bin bags and leave it outside. BIL changes locks. If he kicks off call the police-it’s your property and has no legal recourse to be there-and thank your lucky stars you didn’t marry him or he would be after half your equity.
Things can only get better from here,

Thank you xxxx

This charming idiot will drag you further and further into his mess Tamara and I wonder what happened in his previous relationships, presumably he wasn't able to continue charming his ex into his present scenario. Despite the romantic ideals, love is not enough. His life, his problems, his responsibility, NOT YOURS. He will bring you down too and you deserve better. Please show him the door and do not waver. He will find another victim soon enough, more's the pity.

Leave him now, get him out of your home. If you think it's hard now how hard will it be when you are married he screws up again how hard to break-up when he's older with no family or money and you'll feel more responsible for him. Shake him off.

@SortingItOut

Is all this debt really from 5 + years ago?

Why has it not been paid back over the last 5 years?
Surely he has spare money if you are splitting bills, if he doesn't pay towards your bills where is his money going?

My husband of 17 years was a compulsive liar, he had emotional affairs/texting other women and a spending addiction.
He promised constantly he would change but he didn't, I wasted 17 years on him.
Don't be like me, I came out of that marriage a shell of myself.

I'm 3 years out and my ex husband still can't believe I walked away, he thought he would get chance after chance but I warned him and he didn't believe me.

Who knows... He ordered bank statements last week and they still haven't arrived - apparently according to him they said it would take 7-10 working days because of the bank holiday. I bank with Nationwide and I know that post from them is normally in a few business days. Again, probably a lie!

He says he hasn't paid it back as he felt 'comfortable' at one point he hadn't paid it for a few years, and then has recently set up a DD to pay the credit cards. He said it was 'out of sight out of mind'. I am the opposite, wouldn't go out and spend for months until it was paid back and he knows I'm like it, hence why he was probably afraid I'd find out. He's never had post delivered here except when I put him on the council tax bill and done his eldest sons driving licence application.. I've always said it was secretive, he said he was private. Now I know why.

He earns £52,000 a year, and currently pays £800 to me for bills (I've just started uni so he's taken on all the bills) and £500 to his ex for maintenance. For years he's paid £500 to me but only 3 months ago it changed. I could have paid that debt five times over if it was me. My parents suggested going through his bank statements but I just cannot be that person, if I know I wouldn't necessarily want someone phishing through mine (not that I have anything to hide.. probably too many Amazon orders lol!) I just don't want to put myself in that controlling position. I feel its abusing someones privacy, and it isn't healthy for me to be scanning through years worth of bank statements trying to find something because I just know I will. My Mum said she wouldn't even be surprised if he had a child he was paying for goodness knows where - it just could be anything.

Sense hit me like a freight train last night and I couldn't even look at him... I slept better than I have for weeks. Roll on D-Day on Friday.. x

@ginghamtablecloths

This charming idiot will drag you further and further into his mess Tamara and I wonder what happened in his previous relationships, presumably he wasn't able to continue charming his ex into his present scenario. Despite the romantic ideals, love is not enough. His life, his problems, his responsibility, NOT YOURS. He will bring you down too and you deserve better. Please show him the door and do not waver. He will find another victim soon enough, more's the pity.

Love is not enough... that's so true! He said when you have love you have everything - I said I''d rather be loved has as much and have double the trust - if you don't have trust you have nothing! xx

I'm glad you slept so much better,just goes to show he has been a weight around your neck for years.

£52k and only paying you £800 and £500 maintenance....where has the rest of his money gone? He could have cleared his debts so quickly.
As you say it doesnt matter where his money went, what matters is that he lied.

When you say he doesn't like his real self and pretends to be someone else but can't keep it up why do you think he does that.
£52k is a good salary, did he come from poorer beginnings and he's ashamed?

@toffeebonbon

I really hope you leave this relationship and don't marry him OP! Hiding 11 grand worth of debt for the entirety of your 5 year relationship is inexcusable let alone the backstory of him being historically untrustworthy.

Sounds like you've got it made with your own house and business and are also hands on with his children. No wander he doesn't want to leave! Why would he?

I agree with pp pack up his stuff, change the locks and be firm with him that it's over. It will be hard but you'll look back in 5 years time and know it's the best decision you ever made. You deserve better!

Thank you.. he keeps justifying it saying some people's debt are so much worse - I don't care about the amount of money it is, he hasn't paid it back and has ZERO to show for it. No car, no fancy watch etc.

I know I will and I cannot wait for that moment. xxx

@SortingItOut

I'm glad you slept so much better,just goes to show he has been a weight around your neck for years.

£52k and only paying you £800 and £500 maintenance....where has the rest of his money gone? He could have cleared his debts so quickly.
As you say it doesnt matter where his money went, what matters is that he lied.

When you say he doesn't like his real self and pretends to be someone else but can't keep it up why do you think he does that.
£52k is a good salary, did he come from poorer beginnings and he's ashamed?

He doesn't know... says he spends it on food at work, going out, holidays - we haven't been away for over a year because of COVID and he doesn't even have a car to run! Nothing to show for it at all.

His parents still live in the council how he was born in 40 years ago, his siblings have all got themselves into good relationships and own their homes and work for a living. His friendship circle live in big houses, drive nice cars.. they're the sort of people who instead of buying a drink when we go to a bar they just buy bottles of drink and have it on the tables and pay for booths (I find it so frustrating, but he just goes along with it) He said the credit cards have just been to 'keep up' ... goodness knows why his income is not enough to keep up - he lives for now. No pension, little savings... but really trys to make me believe that he is invested in himself and his future.

Life isn't all about money, but going to my family home where my parents live and have a nice life has always made me want to be in their position when I'm older... mortgage free, retired and enjoying their lives. He says he wants that too but for a man on his salary and his position he's not doing much about investing in our future (which I thought he would have been all these years he's had so little living costs and outgoings) xx

You are in too deep with this guy! You need to look at it from an outsider's perspective - he's no good for you!!

I understand from a romantic (illusory) perspective people's (women mainly) attachment to marriage. But the reality is often problematic.

Never enter any financial binding arrangement with someone with that much less than you. This level of power imbalance causes big issues down the line and further more, he will likely knife you under the table for this imbalance.

I do think there are a lot of men out there who kind of comprehend women as resources. They are the centre and the world is a smorgasbord of options. You are a great option and I'm certain there are many women out there who on the brink of getting the marriage illusion done and dusted, would have paid his debt, accepted his apology and forged ahead. To pay in spades later.

Personally, I appreciate a sincere apology - but it's not enough in itself and what is crucial is how the apologist connects with the apology and the implications of it.

For charming types apologies are often get out of jail free cards. Too many people in their past have let them off the hook. Personally if someone has done the texting BS thing - I'm done. Because it never stops and as the relationship becomes more comfortable they will indulge this little bit of drama even more.

I know this type - they have issues with entitlement and escapism.

You are a smart cookie to have pulled out. If you can't leave him yet - just keep your distance and really examine who he really is. I lived with an incredible charmer for 23 years - you have to look beyond that quality because it means so little in reality. Looking back I think my attraction to charming men actually said more about my levels of self-esteem.

I'm glad you've decided to make him leave. He sounds like my partner in our early years. Stupid ridiculous lies that if he'd just come clean about I'd have totally understood and supported. I'm very down to earth and understanding so I couldn't get my head around it. Like yours it felt like a yearly screw up. Just when I thought things were ok he'd fuck up again. Over nothing usually but it's the lies, I needed trust.

Last straw was finding a bus ticket in his work trousers for that day. He was supposed to be at work a short walk from our house. Turned out he'd walked out on the job few days before and had been desperately searching for a new job. Why didn't he just bloody tell me. It didn't make any sense. He'd been getting up, leaving for work then travelling around to various places/job centres etc looking for work in his field. Then coming home normal time and acting normal. I was financially able to support us. No need to lie. There were lots of stupid lies, I'd be here all day lol.

I kicked him out. He got some therapy. I found out I was pregnant and we got back together. As far as I know he's been totally open since but my gosh I overthink everything, I'm still ,18 years on,unable to fully trust him. It's not great. Causes tension and has tainted our whole relationship.

Best of luck x

Be careful OP. He's getting angry now that his usual methods of controlling you are not working. I would get him out this weekend. He doesn't deserve more notice than that. Believe me, he will quickly replace you and will be leaching off another unsuspecting woman before the end of June. He's a parasite. He doesn't love you, he loves what you provide for him.

Your future is so much brighter without this charmer in it.

@Tamara125

I love this comment of hiS

"I thought you would see sense"

You so have seen sense at long last! Sense that he is a love bomber abs cocklodger!

Oh OP, do you really have to ask? He's got it made hasn't he. He sounds like a user and a loser. Ditch.
Even if you don't split up PLEASE don't marry him as he will then be entitled to all sorts.
It's really not your problem if he doesn't have a support network. Have a good think about why that is.

I agree with a pp. Don't wait, get him out today. He's banging about and shouting in your house. No way. You don't have to put up with that.
The children can go live with their mum until he gets his OWN accommodation.

Your future is looking great, BTW.

Make sure he hasn't taken out any loans or cards with your name attached to anything.

I've seen your updates OP. Well done! Stay strong! Can you have a burly friend come by while he takes his stuff?

Run a credit check on yourself - make sure he hasn't used you for anything else.

I agree with getting him out NOW. He's being aggressive and may escalate.

Run a credit check on yourself - make sure he hasn't used you for anything else.

Great idea!! Do this op

I'm sorry you are going through this but I believe you have 100% made the right decision.
Your life will be so much better without this millstone round your neck.
Onwards and upwards op. This too shall pass.
Please take care of yourself, if you are at any time worried for your safety don't hesitate to call the police

Good luck OP, you sound like a confident woman

How has your week been @Tamara125 and are plans put in place? Fingers crossed for you

@itwa

How has your week been *@Tamara125* and are plans put in place? Fingers crossed for you

Hi Itwa, thank you for checking in - my week has been pretty busy with work and seeing friends, going to the gym and I haven't actually spent an evening at home with him since last Thursday - result!

He's gone to work this morning, and I calmly reminded him that today is looming and he has done very little to action any movement. He pleaded and begged last night; telling me he was going to cancel having the children next weekend and book a weekend away (LOL) he's never once cancelled his childcare arrangements, must be pretty desperate!!!

I've stuck to my guns, remained calm, and have redecorated my kitchen with a nice new wallpaper and some shelving to have a 'reshuffle' and am hopeful that I'm going to be just fine.

I've notified council tax he's moving out today, contacted Student Finance to see if I can get any additional support, moved my contract for my phone to a SIM only and cancelled my Sky. My parents and sister have been great and said that if I need anything financially, just to ask.

Here goes..! x

@OrchestraOfWankery

Run a credit check on yourself - make sure he hasn't used you for anything else.

I agree with getting him out NOW. He's being aggressive and may escalate.

Thankfully my 'virgo' ways I have clear score and Experian and keep a check on them monthly... I don't think he's clever enough personally but it's always better to be on the safe side!

He apologised for his behaviour on that evening and hasn't acted like that again. I met some friends last night for dinner and they've been in touch with their friend who is a locksmith so am prepared and ready for if he begins to 'kick off' later, they're ready to call.