Weak to Stay or Weak to Leave

[Tamara125]

Blurgh. I need some advice, and have exhausted all other options.. please help..!

So let me set the scene. I have been with my Fiancé since 2016, engaged last year, getting married Autumn 21.

We live in my house, his three children stay every other weekend, and one night in the week. House is getting too small, children getting bigger.

I suggested exploring to move, and had put my home on the market (with his support and consent) and it went under offer at full asking price on the first viewing... result!

We arranged some viewings at some houses in the area, and booked an appointment with our friend who is a financial advisor.

During the appointment, I discovered he has £11,000 worth of loans and credit card debt from what he says built up in his last relationship, and when we first got together. He has lied his way through our whole relationship, me forgiving him each time he has failed to come up with the truth. I feel he has lied, he feels he was ashamed. I had to remove my property from the market, tell all friends and family we aren't actually moving... they obviously asked why - my parents are completely gutted that he's been deceitful yet again.

We call it his 'annual screw up' as every year around this time, something comes to light, whether he's been deleting text messages, lying about seeing his ex etc etc. He just doesn't give up with his deceit.

Heres the issue. He's sorry. He won't do it again. Worst part of all, he's a charmer. He goes to the end of the earth to charm me, but not the end of the earth to just be a decent human being.

One of my sisters says walk away, you're weak.. the other one says think about the bigger picture, anybody would be humiliated and he is so ashamed.

We love each other, of course we do. I own the house, I have the car, and I can walk away pretty much unscathed. He however, has little family contact, not a great support network, a bad credit rating and no deposit. I pick his kids up from school, take them here there and everywhere. He has SO much to lose. Why does he keep screwing this up..?

@blissfulllife

I'm glad you've decided to make him leave. He sounds like my partner in our early years. Stupid ridiculous lies that if he'd just come clean about I'd have totally understood and supported. I'm very down to earth and understanding so I couldn't get my head around it. Like yours it felt like a yearly screw up. Just when I thought things were ok he'd fuck up again. Over nothing usually but it's the lies, I needed trust.

Last straw was finding a bus ticket in his work trousers for that day. He was supposed to be at work a short walk from our house. Turned out he'd walked out on the job few days before and had been desperately searching for a new job. Why didn't he just bloody tell me. It didn't make any sense. He'd been getting up, leaving for work then travelling around to various places/job centres etc looking for work in his field. Then coming home normal time and acting normal. I was financially able to support us. No need to lie. There were lots of stupid lies, I'd be here all day lol.

I kicked him out. He got some therapy. I found out I was pregnant and we got back together. As far as I know he's been totally open since but my gosh I overthink everything, I'm still ,18 years on,unable to fully trust him. It's not great. Causes tension and has tainted our whole relationship.

Best of luck x

Thanks for your message - I haven't had a chance to log in for a few days on my PC to reply, but read your message last week, and it really does feel like the same situation. Telling small lies to cover what you would expect to be a bigger picture, but sometimes it is just because they have an inability to tell the truth, for one reason or another.

I know he can never change, he was telling the same stories to his ex for years and years, he has always been the leader of his pack, what he says is gospel and nobody ever questioned it, until he met me. He now realises how many small and pointless lies he tells, sometimes he will say something, and come back in two minutes later and say 'I don't know why I said that', and the scary thing is, his children do exactly the same. Their first initial reaction and response is to lie. Always. It's so toxic and damaging.

Well done you for being strong enough to take him back, and I imagine that must have been a really hard decision to make. I put that to him the other day after reading your message; I stay with him and accept my life will be filled with catastrophic screw ups, or I walk away whilst I can. He couldn't really argue with that one!

To me, telling one lie needs to be covered up with another lie, and before you know it, you're knee deep in a situation which you cannot get yourself out of. After seeing it on a daily basis, and correcting it time and time again, attempting to get to the bottom of the truth, I made a promise to myself to never, ever, lie to someone in the capacity he does as it is so damaging for the person you're lying to. The problem is for them, it is so easy to do. I tell him all the time he creates the storms, but never wants to sail in them when it's time to come clean!

XX

@rosabug

I understand from a romantic (illusory) perspective people's (women mainly) attachment to marriage. But the reality is often problematic.

Never enter any financial binding arrangement with someone with that much less than you. This level of power imbalance causes big issues down the line and further more, he will likely knife you under the table for this imbalance.

I do think there are a lot of men out there who kind of comprehend women as resources. They are the centre and the world is a smorgasbord of options. You are a great option and I'm certain there are many women out there who on the brink of getting the marriage illusion done and dusted, would have paid his debt, accepted his apology and forged ahead. To pay in spades later.

Personally, I appreciate a sincere apology - but it's not enough in itself and what is crucial is how the apologist connects with the apology and the implications of it.

For charming types apologies are often get out of jail free cards. Too many people in their past have let them off the hook. Personally if someone has done the texting BS thing - I'm done. Because it never stops and as the relationship becomes more comfortable they will indulge this little bit of drama even more.

I know this type - they have issues with entitlement and escapism.

You are a smart cookie to have pulled out. If you can't leave him yet - just keep your distance and really examine who he really is. I lived with an incredible charmer for 23 years - you have to look beyond that quality because it means so little in reality. Looking back I think my attraction to charming men actually said more about my levels of self-esteem.

Hi Rosabug,

After the unveiling of his debt during our appointment, I suggested he contacted his ex for some money as he 'walked away' from their deposit (they'd just sold a house and were renting when they separated) he played knight in shining armour, let her keep the lot. I questioned over the years time and time again whether what he had worked so hard for was enough to sacrifice the fact he would never own a home without me. He finally caved ,and shared that he never owned the house, she owned it, and her Mum had bought it for her as he was so unreliable and unfaithful when they fell pregnant with their son (on a break..!)

This revelation almost instantly made me remove my rose tinted glasses. Who does he think he is to have convinced me for our whole relationship he surrendered his £60,000 to give his children a secure home and future. He was never entitled to a penny.

Unfortunately he's been unable to maintain the act, and I am certainly not falling for it.

Roll on the future xx

Just read this whole thread, hope all goes well getting him out today OP.

So glad you are seeing it through and have support!

@Tamara125, you're doing great !

You’re doing AMAZING 🙌🏼

Good luck
Hope it goes well

Hope he’s gone @Tamara125!

@Ohdobequiet

Hope he’s gone *@Tamara125*!

He’s gone..! The dog is currently spread across the bed wondering how she won the lottery with so much space 😅 Onwards and upwards xxx

@Outbutnotoutout

Good luck Hope it goes well

Thank you

@Noshowlomo

You’re doing AMAZING 🙌🏼

Thank you for your support

Woohoooooooo!! 🎉 👏 so pleased for you

Have a happy life op, so proud of you

Amazing, enjoy the rest of your life x

Block him and move on

Thanks everybody it’s been a busy few days as I’ve kept myself out of the house and nice and busy, first night I barely slept a wink, but last night slept like a log! Still haven’t heard from him, which I’m very surprised about but he knew and had enough notice... so maybe he’s come to terms with my choice!

Well done on getting rid!
Here's to your new happy life!

I'm so pleased you managed to get rid of him, I bet you feel so much lighter.

He is either keeping quiet hoping you'll change your mind and he'll tentatively reach out soon or he's already searching for his next victim.

Here's to a whole new life with no lies🙂

Been there and got the t-shirt.. I resented my exh as the lies continued and eventually couldn’t bear to even look at him. You can wait for the next however many years it takes for you to get to that stage or you can do something about it sooner rather than later. Cost me thousands and a fuck of load of panicky stress trying to extricate myself financially from him..! Please don’t marry him and god, do not sell your house.... just don’t.

Oppps sorry, Didn’t read the full thread! Well done 👍🏻

Just read through all your posts OP and did a cheer for you.
You own property. Never ever marry anyone unless they come to the relationship with the same assets, same earning potential and same number of dependents as you. Marrying someone entitles them to half what you have. No romantic fantasy is worth that.

It's your house, not his. Just call the police and tell them you have ended your relationship but the man is refusing to leave.

Is actually really simple once you've decided enough is enough.

I'm just not sure you're there yet and I think you need to ask yourself why. And be honest about the answer.

You change the locks. You ask him to leave by a set time / date. You do not give him a key. If he doesn't leave you call the police. Once he's gone you say. You'll have until (whatever date) at 17:00 to make an arrangement to return with a van to collect your things before I dispose of it.

Get rid of this man he has no respect for you.

I feel sorry for the kids and the upheaval but ultimately they're not your responsibility and neither is he.

Thankfully you're not yet married and don't have DC together so it can be a clean split.

People still don't RTFT do they 🙄

OP, well done ! I hope other posters take inspiration from you. Enjoy the peace and extra space . Really happy for you !

So late to the party but just wanted to say well done. You are awesome.

I also love your dog enjoying the bed space...!

To an incredible future

Read the full thread before posting, even just reading the OPs posts would help and you'll see things moved on.