DH not happy that I change clothes in the evening

[DataColour]

Not brave enough to put this in AIBU.

I'm sick of DH telling me off for changing into "lounge wear" typically a hoodie and trackie bottoms in the evening. He says I look nice during the day when I am at work ( casual dress code) but in the evening as the kids are going to bed 8-9pm I change out of day clothes. Isn't this normal? He wants me to stay "dressed" till I go to bed (which is what he does). I want to tell him to f off.
He's just stormed out of the house because I'd dare to put a pair of joggers and a hoodie on. I've had enough of his 1950s attitude. It really upsets me.

@mathanxiety

His demands must be placed in the wider context of the objectification of women, the idea that women exist for men to look at and to have sex with, the idea that women out and about minding their own business can be interrupted verbally by men, and their appearance commented upon, also the assumption that women dress for men, specifically, in order to get a man.

The word 'deceptive' really stands out here, a real clanger.

It's as if this man is justified in complaining that he is a victim of false advertising. Have you seen any of those stupid 'Take Her Swimming on the First Date' memes popular among the Very Inadequate Male community online?

The assumption that makeup is false advertising is based on the phallo-centric idea that women present themselves to men as a product 24/7, and should do this - but when we don't put on makeup, or when we turn some inadequate specimen down, we're clearly man hating lesbians or 'feminazis'.

It's completely circular reasoning, a fine example of the very fragile male ego.

Women can't win.

We don't need to even try to win. The bullsjit from dickheads who say stuff like this is so blantant that nobody is buying it. Incels, losers, or bitter rejects. We all have better things to do than listen to any of this nonsense, don't give it a moment more of your life.

Wonder why divorce rate is so high? Just read the majority of responses here. I have talked to a number of WOMEN who are over 70 and married still, and asked there opinion, and they universally agreed my idea is a great one, and thats how they are.

Yeah, but those women grew up in an age when marrying meant you instantly became dependent on a man for your survival, both social and economic. I'm so glad I don't live in that era. My mother was of that generation, and when I told her I was divorcing my alcoholic abusive husband, her first response was 'but how will you cope without him?'

Very easily, is the answer. I work. I can do DIY and finances. In fact I did all of that before he left, and he did fuck all except go to work and drink. We live in a world where we can choose not to be in a relationship and it's bloody great.

I certainly wouldn't be going to women over 70 for advice on specifically on staying married.

So many married women led husband dominated lives where their preferences ruled the house.

They amount of times that I have heard of women absolutely thriving and loving their new, fully independent lives once their husbands have died.

They would NEVER admit it but it is clear to see.
Finally, often for the first time in their lives, pleasing only themselves.

So many women go in to marriage thinking it will be an equal partnership and so many men think oh good food will appear in the fridge, or on the table!!

@pointythings, @billy1966 standing ovation from me! I ‘cope’ just fine without my ex, in fact I would go so far as to say I am thriving. I can manage such headscratchers such as building flat pack furniture and even moving house solo with 3 kids. For everything else there’s Google or someone I can hire and who won’t psychologically terrorize me at the same time.

This is a far cry from my pitiful hope a couple of years ago, at my most ground down, that statistically at least my xdh would die before me and I may have a couple of years of freedom then.

@mathanxiety I don't know who you are but I love you! Such an eloquent post. You've put into words everything I was feeling but I couldn't verbalise it half as well as you.

I think alot of men like this but don't verbalise. When I get home and know I'm not going back out - PJ TIME!

Marriage is about compromise, not demanding "your" rights, as is so often expressed here. Wonder why divorce rate is so high? Just read the majority of responses here. I have talked to a number of WOMEN who are over 70 and married still, and asked there opinion, and they universally agreed my idea is a great one, and thats how they are. Their husbands would occasionally come home and unexpectedly take them out for dinner instead of them having to cook. (in those days for the most part, women didnt work)

IDK which poster this was, but oh, brother. My mum's 73 and she split from my dad years ago, because he was a twat in numerous ways.

If women are more able to free themselves from bad marriages, then
that's awesome.

And I think most women of her generation did work, at least part time, probably eventually full time.

If there's a more equal division of labour at home nowadays slightly, and women aren't just doing everything round the house for men, that's great.

I'm so glad women have more of a chance of freedom rather than being trapped for life.

I think you have the wrong idea about women in their 70s BTW- it's maybe their mother's generation who were more like you describe.

I'm glad if people can escape from marriages that are crap rather than spending their whole life in a prison.

I'm in the it's slobby camp but I must admit I've joined the slobs since covid.

I think you have the wrong idea about women in their 70s BTW- it's maybe their mother's generation who were more like you describe.

I agree with this. Even my DM and her friends in their 80s are more progressive than the poster waffling on about women in their 70s seems to think!

They amount of times that I have heard of women absolutely thriving and loving their new, fully independent lives once their husbands have died.

Ridiculous post. You don't think younger women today would feel the same way? Just read a few of the threads on MN. Also, many older women actually loved their husbands - strange though it may seem to you - and are very sad once they die. Yet another younger poster who thinks the world was a bad place until they arrived in it - one day you will learn that not everything is black and white. Many older men are a hell of a lot more respectful towards their wives (and women in general) than younger ones btw.

Big hugs, that sounds like one controlling partner. Perhaps start keeping a log of what he has tantrums over so the picture is crystall clear in your head.

@Wizzbangfizz

I don't know a single person who doesn't change into comfy clothes when they get in!

And I don't know a single person who does!

The OPs husband is still being a ridiculous arse though. And would still be an idiot if it was the other way round, and he wasn't happy that she kept her 'day' clothes on.

I have talked to a number of WOMEN who are over 70 and married still, and asked there opinion, and they universally agreed my idea is a great one

🤣 this has got to be the wankiest statement I've ever read

DP and I do like to be well presented for each other as we both appreciate it and neither of us likes lounge wear. But it has to be a mutual thing and there are days where one of us is scruffy and doing nothing and wanting nothing.

His reaction to this is excessive and possibly a reflection of something else. If he doesnt find you attractive in that clothing then fair enough but he is utterly failing to talk about it.

If you are working from home then he has a point probably. Seems like unnecessary changes to me

@MusicMenu

I have to admit, it feels like DH can't be bothered for me when he's scruffy at home but makes an effort for the time he spends with everyone else. I'm sure I'd be unreasonable to complain, but it would be nice if he didn't take me quite so much for granted.

amen. Maybe you have to take the lead.

Let him leave . Id go one step further if he does it again, and tell him that, his suitcases and his fancy clothes will be put on the doorstep and he can go for good. I was married to someone like this - it didn't last for long and I was the one who walked as his controlling ways went a step too far. Like isn't going to get any better if you do not take control now xx

**Life

My wife whips off the bra and shoes, I doff trousers and relax - work is over for the day, loungewear rules!
Storming off in stale clothes is not cool - has he a bit on the side?
He/she is welcome to him imo, chuck him out!