Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH not happy that I change clothes in the evening

953 replies

DataColour · 05/05/2021 21:34

Not brave enough to put this in AIBU.

I'm sick of DH telling me off for changing into "lounge wear" typically a hoodie and trackie bottoms in the evening. He says I look nice during the day when I am at work ( casual dress code) but in the evening as the kids are going to bed 8-9pm I change out of day clothes. Isn't this normal? He wants me to stay "dressed" till I go to bed (which is what he does). I want to tell him to f off.
He's just stormed out of the house because I'd dare to put a pair of joggers and a hoodie on. I've had enough of his 1950s attitude. It really upsets me.

OP posts:
LaLaLandIsNoFun · 07/05/2021 07:37

This thread seems to have escaped from Mumsnet circa

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 07/05/2021 07:39

...1950

I also had no idea that wearing leggings (because I can’t afford much else) meant I’m a lazy feckless parent who doesn’t care what she looks like.

Sounds like there are far far more judgmental people than just the (D)H in this thread - and I couldn’t live with him.

mdh2020 · 07/05/2021 08:10

It sounds as if he wants to control you. I always joke that my husband would fancy me in dressing gown, slippers and rollers.

Tals812 · 07/05/2021 08:20

It's normal for some people to do certain things, doesn't mean he has to like it. Depends what your marriage is like, if it's something you didn't do before or early marriage then he's obviously annoyed you've changed. You can lounge and still look lovely. It's all about communication and doing what works for you as a couple. There might be things he likes to do but doesn't for your sake. People are quick to condemn whilst they are happy in their own homes. I know a lady who is 'woke' in public but is a 50's wife at home. When I asked her, she said that's what they agreed on when they got married and works both ways. Happy home whilst basically helping pour the fuel on other's relationships. They've been married 25yrs. Do what works for both of you as a couple.

Sandra15 · 07/05/2021 08:36

I remember an ex telling me he didn't like a particular dress I had. So I told him that I would be sure to let him know next time I wore it so he knew not to call around!!!

wishes1111 · 07/05/2021 08:46

He'd hate to be married to me.

I get in at 7pm, shower, pjs or loungewear on. On a weekend if I'm not going out I shower and change into clean loungewear, don't bother putting a bra on!

Tell him to mind his own business.

MindTheBumps · 07/05/2021 09:24

My ex used to complain about this, convinced himself I was having an affair at work because I looked good for work and changed when I got home.

He ended up beating me up over my supposed affair but he was generally an abusive arsehole .

Willowandrose · 07/05/2021 09:36

His ego needs to chill. This is a red flag.

Babyboomtastic · 07/05/2021 09:42

I don't know, I see both sides to an extent. He shouldn't be getting grumpy and controlling about it,but putting in slobby relaxing clothes in the evening is a shortcut to slobbing and dozing in front of the TV rather than spending good quality couple time together once the kids are in bed.

Obviously no one has energy for that all the time (I have a 2 and 4year old, I know...) but I think it's nice to make an effort sometimes,to balance out the slobbing.

PetitTorteois · 07/05/2021 09:42

I'm wearing my husband's long underwear today as it's so soft and comfy. Your DH would probably get a heart attack if he saw meGrin

LifeinPieces21 · 07/05/2021 09:49

@jaundicedoutlook

Some odd comments and attitudes on this thread.

Lockdown aside, and if staying at home, when we get back from work we’ll change partly out of work clothes. DH will probably keep work shirt on, but remove tie and suit and put on a pair of casual trousers, but not pyjamas or jogging pants - that would just be slobbish. I’ll take off work clothes and put on similarly casual attire. The point being, don’t want to stay in clothes that have been worn all day and on the train, but equally don’t want to get ready for bed in the early evening.

There’s a balance here between having a bit of self respect/ not looking like slobs in front of the children vs not living in Edwardian England.

Grin

I'm now imagining you as Hyacinth Bucket thinking we all look like Daisy and Onslow.

DelBocaVista · 07/05/2021 09:52

@Babyboomtastic

I don't know, I see both sides to an extent. He shouldn't be getting grumpy and controlling about it,but putting in slobby relaxing clothes in the evening is a shortcut to slobbing and dozing in front of the TV rather than spending good quality couple time together once the kids are in bed.

Obviously no one has energy for that all the time (I have a 2 and 4year old, I know...) but I think it's nice to make an effort sometimes,to balance out the slobbing.

Can you not spend quality time together if you're wearing comfy clothes?

Me and DH did a zoom quiz with friends last night. We were in our pjs. Afterwards we carried on drinking and had a fine old time.

I didn't need to be dressed up to the nines and shock horror - we still found each other attractive

expatinspain · 07/05/2021 10:32

Babyboomtastic I don't see how quality time and what you're wearing are related. If you're talking about sex then naked quality time would probably be best 😀 and if you're talking about dinner, drinks, a chat or a film or something like that, at home, then the clothes you wear shouldn't even come into it. I mean, if you're wearing a 20 year old t-shirt full of holes with this mornings breakfast stains on it, then I see your point, but a pair of clean pjs or something comfortable, why not? I dress up when I go out, DP would think I was mad if I had full make up, hair done and smart day clothes on to watch Netflix on a Saturday night.

Babyboomtastic · 07/05/2021 10:35

Yes,of course you can spend good time together wearing slobby clothes. It's equally possible to go to work in scruffy clothes, or wear PJ's to a shop. But doing those things does give an impression that you are more interested in snoozing and chilling out than anything else.

I'm not saying 'dress up to the nines' but I think at least a bit of the time, you need to give your best to eachother, not just what is left once life and the day has wrung you out. Make eachother a priority.

Henduckgoose · 07/05/2021 10:37

This was the reason my ex gave for having an affair Hmm

Superficial arse....

Well shot...

Don’t stand for it!!

DelBocaVista · 07/05/2021 10:42

I'm not saying 'dress up to the nines' but I think at least a bit of the time, you need to give your best to eachother, not just what is left once life and the day has wrung you out. Make eachother a priority.

I didn't realise wearing comfortable clothes in my own house meant I wasn't making my DH a priority? I guess none of the other stuff I do to make him feel loved doesn't count because I wear lounge wear or PJs most evenings if we aren't going anywhere.
Ridiculous.

expatinspain · 07/05/2021 11:12

Yes,of course you can spend good time together wearing slobby clothes. It's equally possible to go to work in scruffy clothes, or wear PJ's to a shop. But doing those things does give an impression that you are more interested in snoozing and chilling out than anything else. In your opinion. Plenty of people disagree. Also, there are loads of nice loungewear and pyjamas that look lovely, if you want to look good and be comfy at the same time.

BeautifulandWilfulandDead · 07/05/2021 11:31

@jaundicedoutlook I'm not sure 'not behaving like slobs in front of the children' is as worthy an aim as you think it is. I think it's important to show the children that you can be absolutely your comfiest, cosiest self , with no pressure to look a certain way, as soon as you are in your own four walls!

user1490954378 · 07/05/2021 11:52

Controlling arsery isn't a good look either. Tell him your joggers look much nicer.

LifeinPieces21 · 07/05/2021 12:46

@expatinspain

Babyboomtastic I don't see how quality time and what you're wearing are related. If you're talking about sex then naked quality time would probably be best 😀 and if you're talking about dinner, drinks, a chat or a film or something like that, at home, then the clothes you wear shouldn't even come into it. I mean, if you're wearing a 20 year old t-shirt full of holes with this mornings breakfast stains on it, then I see your point, but a pair of clean pjs or something comfortable, why not? I dress up when I go out, DP would think I was mad if I had full make up, hair done and smart day clothes on to watch Netflix on a Saturday night.
This made me laugh and so true.
pinkflamingo112 · 07/05/2021 15:52

don't come round my house im in my pjs & dressing gown-what a TWAT....

LovelyIssues · 07/05/2021 17:47

I do the same OP and so do majority of woman I know. If he doesn't like it he knows where the door is.

year5teacher · 07/05/2021 17:58

As soon as I get in a take off my makeup, slather my face in moisturiser, take off my work clothes and put on pyjamas if I’m not going back out. (I often don’t get home until nearly 7 recently so not outrageously early...) then get straight under my weighted blanket. I would die before I wore my fucking work clothes all evening!!! My boyfriend wears jeans into the evening and it stresses me out so I subtly suggest he wears his joggers or sometimes I bring him his pyjamas 😂 I like us both to be cosy, but if he wants to wear his jeans that’s fine! I’m like the opposite to your husband.

Right now I’m in joggers, bed socks, slippers and a massive sweatshirt

bemusedmoose · 07/05/2021 18:20

Sounds like the crap I got from the ex husband - would spend all day cleaning the house, looking after child, trying to work... And would waltz in, before I even get a hello 'i see you didn't manage to hoover then' flops on the sofa, turns off kids TV that kid was watching demands to know why dinner is ready and to get him a cuppa. He would also expect me not to be in lounge wear at any point and not stay in pjs in the morning.

Tell him to f the f off then f off some more.

Im now blissfully single and wear what the f I like when I like. If I know I'm not going back out sometimes I come home and just get into pjs, sometimes the kids and I just stay home and have a pj day.

He is ridiculous.

PollyRoe16 · 07/05/2021 18:27

Definitely change out of 'day' clothes into loungewear as soon as I get home so does my husband. Who wants to relax in jeans!? I'd feel the need to be petty and change into pyjamas as soon I got home to prove a point 😂