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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH not happy that I change clothes in the evening

953 replies

DataColour · 05/05/2021 21:34

Not brave enough to put this in AIBU.

I'm sick of DH telling me off for changing into "lounge wear" typically a hoodie and trackie bottoms in the evening. He says I look nice during the day when I am at work ( casual dress code) but in the evening as the kids are going to bed 8-9pm I change out of day clothes. Isn't this normal? He wants me to stay "dressed" till I go to bed (which is what he does). I want to tell him to f off.
He's just stormed out of the house because I'd dare to put a pair of joggers and a hoodie on. I've had enough of his 1950s attitude. It really upsets me.

OP posts:
whoopsabloominbuttercup · 07/05/2021 18:51

I personally get changed for dinner at 8pm. Long dress and white gloves.
My husband changes into his dinner suit.

One has to keep up standards doesn't one.

(In real life I am in my PJs by 8pm.)

NiceGerbil · 07/05/2021 21:24

DH comes home and gets changed from his work uniform into comfy joggers and t-shirt.

I cannot for the life of me understand why I should think poorly of him for it!

HalcyonSea · 08/05/2021 03:01

or are there some kind of sexy joggers or something?!

Oxymoron Grin

HalcyonSea · 08/05/2021 03:05

@MintyMabel

Selective quoting given I'd said DH and I both realised it's been easy in lockdown to stop making an effort.

Didn’t selectively do anything. But ok, if you like, make an effort for what? To look nice for your wife? Who decided that’s something that’s important? My husband wears slouchy clothes and if how he looked to me was a feature of our marriage, he wouldn’t be in it.

The point being, wtf does “make an effort” mean and why is how either person in a couple looks relevant to a decent partnership.

Ummmm... physical attraction, which involves some visual elements, is crucial to maintaining most long-term romantic relationships.
HalcyonSea · 08/05/2021 03:10

If nothing else, I guess this thread explains why so many mumsnetters never answer their front door! Grin

sykadelic · 08/05/2021 03:25

Okay so I think there might be some middle ground here. Perhaps it's the particular KIND of lounge wear.

I personally don't wear my "work clothes" all day, but neither do I sit around in jeans. I call them my "house clothes". I COULD leave the house in what I'm wearing, it's just more casual than I would normally.

So, perhaps have a chat with him and tell him you understand it's something that frustrates him, and that while you aren't going to stop wearing lounge wear, you are open to the idea of different kinds. So if he'd like to find some options online that he finds less... objectionable, you're willing to look at them. You aren't agreeing to his options, but you're willing to look. Perhaps this will be enough for him, that you're willing to look.

Jenala · 08/05/2021 07:08

I can't believe how many people think wearing comfy clothes in the evening is "slobbish". Imagine being in a marriage where you think sticking leggings and a hoodie on in the evening is risking the physical attraction between you and your partner diminishing. That's really sad. We're not talking about dirty clothes with holes in here, which would be about a lot more to do with hygiene etc. We're talking about comfy clothes. I just couldn't care less what DH wears in the evening and vice versa.

I think being uncomfortable around each other in comfy clothes, rather than seeming like "how nice, they make an effort for each other even at 8pm after work" reads more as "here are two people who, despite being married, need to maintain a certain image in front of one another". The beauty of a good relationship is feeling comfortable to be relaxed with each other. Thinking about the outfit I wear to watch TV for a couple of hours before bed, and whether my DH would find me attractive in it, would be a bad sign imo (unless I'm thinking about encouraging sexy times! Grin). Feel sorry for people in that situation and that they feel a need to imply it's somehow healthier to be that way is sad.

If you're ill do you get your jeans and nice top on to sit downstairs lest your husband sees you? How do you feel giving birth in front of him if joggers are slobby?

SunshineCake · 08/05/2021 07:20

Why the fuck should she @sykadelic Hmm. Compromise is only right when the complaining party is also willing to compromise and hasn't been a dick about the situation.

I0NA · 08/05/2021 07:26

I can’t believe how many people think that a woman is mainly a decorative object for the pleasure of men. Not an actual human being with the right to thoughts, feelings and wishes of her own.

Even in her own home after a long day of paid work, housework and childcare she must always be eye candy for men. Not just her partner but even random men who might come to the door Hmm.

Talk about internalised misogyny - some of you are completely brainwashed.

Marcydarcy7867 · 08/05/2021 07:26

Halcyonsea when you have sex you are usually naked and not wearing anything!! Also wearing joggers doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not brushed her hair or looks a mess. Physical attraction isn’t about clothes!

MindtheBelleek · 08/05/2021 07:29

I’m fascinated by how ‘jeans and a nice top’ seems to have become ‘dressing up’, whereas it wasn’t so long ago that jeans were what you slung on at home to dress down. Have we just fallen out of love with non-elastic waistbands?

DH reports colleagues since lockdown saying of an outdoor ‘walking meeting’ ‘Is it the kind of thing you have to wear Hard Pants for?’

ItsGotABitOfPink · 08/05/2021 07:31

@whoopsabloominbuttercup

I personally get changed for dinner at 8pm. Long dress and white gloves. My husband changes into his dinner suit. One has to keep up standards doesn't one.

(In real life I am in my PJs by 8pm.)

After being absorbed in this thread I actually believed the first part of your post.

I love wearing my comfy clothes and do so at the first opportunity. Always have, always will.

MMMarmite · 08/05/2021 07:39

@MindtheBelleek

I’m fascinated by how ‘jeans and a nice top’ seems to have become ‘dressing up’, whereas it wasn’t so long ago that jeans were what you slung on at home to dress down. Have we just fallen out of love with non-elastic waistbands?

DH reports colleagues since lockdown saying of an outdoor ‘walking meeting’ ‘Is it the kind of thing you have to wear Hard Pants for?’

Haha I've never heard that phrase before
Foghead · 08/05/2021 07:48

We all change out of work wear/school uniform when we get home, wear joggers, leggings or other casual clothes to relax in and then pjs for bed.
It’s completely normal.

Keep doing what you’re doing op. Stand your ground and tell him you won’t allow him to bully you and the kids with nonsense.

ouchyouchyow · 08/05/2021 07:50

I just put my pyjamas on. Your OH would hate me

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 08/05/2021 08:03

Some people are very odd. What kind of a person storms out the house because of what their partner wears in the home after work. In fact who even has a conversation about such trivial things.

We both put night wear on, she puts her pj's on and I put my dressing gown on.
Both items are easy to remove for entertainment. Grin

Meruem · 08/05/2021 08:22

I’ve been watching an Arabic drama on Netflix. 3 adult daughters in their 20’s living at home. The 3 daughters have spent 90% of the series in PJs! They literally only get dressed to leave the house.

In fact when you look at many countries in the Middle East, lots of men wear those long robe things, don’t know the specific name, but it’s like a long nightie. They have smarter robes and less smart robes but it’s the most comfortable thing to wear in the heat.

It has nothing to do with age, class, even country let alone parts of the country.

Many people do have to dress for work, be that a uniform, suit etc. It just makes sense to be comfortable in your free time. I do think the British historically can be a bit obsessed with routines, order etc, my mum was very much “you can’t be in bed clothes after 8am” no matter if we were doing something or not. The only exception being a bed ridden illness. What’s happening now is people are (rightly) questioning that attitude and saying why can’t I just wear what I want.

MrsMidgeMaisel · 08/05/2021 08:31

OP - what everyone else said. My 'd'P used to say this too, used to call me slovenly.

He was abusive, mainly psychologically but ended up physical too.

I have threads on here about it, it will escalate and deteriorate Sad Not going to tell you to leave as you have to be at that point yourself but please think about whether you can spend the rest of your life with this person.

LostThings · 08/05/2021 08:50

@MindtheBelleek

I’m fascinated by how ‘jeans and a nice top’ seems to have become ‘dressing up’, whereas it wasn’t so long ago that jeans were what you slung on at home to dress down. Have we just fallen out of love with non-elastic waistbands?

DH reports colleagues since lockdown saying of an outdoor ‘walking meeting’ ‘Is it the kind of thing you have to wear Hard Pants for?’

Me too. I always change into jeans when I come home from work. Now I'm thinking I must be really old fashioned and should look online for joggers instead. I'm just worried that if I wear something with an expanding waistline there will be nothing to stop me getting even fatter!
Bushgirl · 08/05/2021 10:37

Kick his backside out of the house and back to the 1950s where he belongs.

noblegreenk · 08/05/2021 10:48

Your husband would hate my household. As soon as we know we're not going back outside for the day we change into lounge wear. Often it's the first thing I do when I get home from work, if I know I'm not going back out. That could be at 4.30pm some days. His behaviour does sound very controlling tbh and if I were you I'd certainly be putting my foot down over this.

Abraxan · 08/05/2021 10:48

He needs to get a grip and calm down. Storming out of the house because someone else changes their clothes - this is not normal behaviour.

I get home from work between 4 and 5. I often just put my PJs, or lounge wear, on at that point. I don't want to sit around in my work wear where I've been sat on classroom floors, etc. And can't wait to remove things like tights!

If we were having a special evening meal or going out I'd wear something smarter, but not to sit around at home of an evening.

Infact today is so wet and horrid it'll be lounge wear all day - when I get a shower and change out of PJs anyway.

Wizzbangfizz · 08/05/2021 10:51

I don't know a single person who doesn't change into comfy clothes when they get in!

Abraxan · 08/05/2021 10:59

The idea of dressing up to look nice for everyone else, and not for your partner, is a bit sad to me.

Most people don't wear smarter clothes when out because they are dressing for other people.
They do so as their work place or the venue is a different type of setting. Work may require smart attire. A restaurant may have a dress code.

In the home I dress for comfort, as does dh.
For him that means jeans and t shirt.
I don't find jeans comfortable so I will opt for lounge wear or a looser long dress perhaps - something that isn't closer fitting, esp round the waist and can allow me to have bare feet.

If going out then I will dress more smartly and make more effort, we both do, especially if going out together or a nice meal. We do if having a special meal at home together.

But we are very comfortable together and don't feel the need to make a big show of 'our efforts' on your typical average evening after work.

Besides I have some very lovely PJs that are as smart as casual outdoor,wear and probably cost a fair bit more too!.

I0NA · 08/05/2021 11:20

It’s quite a surprise to see how many couples’ sexual relationship seemed to be based entirely around the wearing of certain clothes.

It used to be that a couple’s sexual relationship was based on their emotional and social connection and their shared lives. You know - all that old fashioned stuff like love, trust, communication and commitment. Most couples have good sex together because they know each other’s bodies and what they like and are kind and generous towards each other.

It’s not a reward for your partner wearing the clothes / make up / hairstyle from your approved list.

How very sad that image and appearances has become everything to some people . No doubt these image obsessed people will be dumping their partners if they get ill / disabled / put on weight / get older. I’ve even heard of people who leave their partners when they get cancer.