DH not happy that I change clothes in the evening

[DataColour]

Not brave enough to put this in AIBU.

I'm sick of DH telling me off for changing into "lounge wear" typically a hoodie and trackie bottoms in the evening. He says I look nice during the day when I am at work ( casual dress code) but in the evening as the kids are going to bed 8-9pm I change out of day clothes. Isn't this normal? He wants me to stay "dressed" till I go to bed (which is what he does). I want to tell him to f off.
He's just stormed out of the house because I'd dare to put a pair of joggers and a hoodie on. I've had enough of his 1950s attitude. It really upsets me.

Perhaps ‘Lounge wear’ just turns him off. Perhaps he just likes admiring what you look like when you’re dressed up? Or perhaps he’s 0h so insecure? Sounds like you need to chat it through.

This is actually quite disturbing to read.
It is domestic abuse.
You husband is Controlling and Coercive.

I’m middle class, living in a very naice area and live in stretchy clothing at home. So do most of my friends 🤷‍♀️

Yep. I've just done a zoom quiz and everyone on our team was in lounge wear or pjs. All very middle class and ranging from mid 30's to late 50's.

Totally normal

some pp are missing the point now-he tries to control other areas of their lives its not jus the clothes

I go one better and only ever wear pjs at home at any time. I only dress up to go out of the house! Make surenu get gome first 1 evenng and wear a ball gown or such with not so much as a smirk.

Oh and pls check out the fb groups on narcissistic personality disorder. My my does the same in the evenings and she is personified on there. it may be the eureka momentum need and know how to handle him better. Look more intom itmin Heber too for yr own sake ....

@MidsummerMimi

This is actually quite disturbing to read. It is domestic abuse. You husband is Controlling and Coercive.

Good point !! Watch out for money control, telling where can you go, who can you see...does he also walks away when you are happy, laughing or with friends? Does he put you down and belittles you for his own self gratification ?

Sorry, I didn’t read everything here but this actually catches my attention now, apart from him
Being a freak... I hope you are ok

This is not really about what clothes you wear or how many showers you are “allowed” to have.
This is about a bully exerting power over you.
As a domestic abuser, he could be charged and convicted and the prison service would get to decide what clothes he could wear.
It would also impact on his teaching career and rightly so.
I hope you and your children get all the help and support you need to get out of this toxic situation.
I’m am very sorry that you have all been subjected to this.

I'm really sorry to the OP because her other half is clearly an arse but some of the replies on this thread have made me laugh out loud, and I have had a totally shit day, so thank you.

For me, personally I'm just glad my house is my own and if I want to sit in the evening in a long tshirt and no knickers that's entirely my own choice. :)

My DP would be told swiftly to go take a flying f**k to himself. I work from home and live in my pjs and housecoat, he has no say in what I wear it's my body not his.

I agree with the posters who have suggested mental health problems. My late DH would exhibit the same symptoms when he was having a breakdown, trying to bring everything under his control, but the more rules he added, the worse he got.
Just my opinion, FWIW.

@gardenflowergirl

I've never changed into sweat pants and hoodies or PJ's when I get home and I don't know many people that do. My work clothes are fairly formal but also comfortable, so I'd never think of it for comfort reasons. I'm wondering if this is a class thing? A north south divide thing?

Oh please

Hmm... why does he think it’s only you that changes in to comfortable clothes when you get home? More typical to want to get out of work wear. I can understand this must get quite trying if it happens every time & last thing you want after being at work all day & getting kids to bed.
Your later posts, where you say he is suggesting opportunities for you to spend time as a couple, could indicate he’s worried about your relationship/wanting to rekindle the spark. What he is saying about your choice of clothes could be in the context of this?
His communication skills seem really poor/he’s not able to express himself effectively. It doesn’t seem you are communicating with him either though (but in your case annoyed and won’t, rather can’t?). I don’t suggest you wear what he asks(!), but it might be helpful to act on his suggestion for time as a couple where you could speak on more neutral ground about how the pandemic is affecting your relationship.

The happiest moment of my day is when I change into trackie pants (sorry I’m Australian that’s what we call them), ugg boots and a hoodie. DH is the same. I do have one friend who always looks “put together” for her husband but tbh she has a massive stick up her butt generally and they aren’t particularly happy together. Everyone else I know is wearing comfy clothes at home, because why wouldn’t you??

Also for those who want their partner to give the “best of themselves” to them please consider that for many of us the best of our partner is their intellect, their humour, their kindness. Just being good company general. Not superficial stuff like wearing smart trousers at 8pm on the couch.

I'm going to buy more loungewear online today

Right on, @DataColour

His whole attitude to everything sounds quite anal-retentive. And yes, controlling. He shouldn't be the only one that decides the rules for your children- those should be a joint compromise/decision, because you are an equal partner.

Your own appearance and treatment of your own things is your business as you are an adult and a sovereign human being.

My late DH, who had go booted and suited to work changed immediately he came home in to comfy clothes. It wasn't just the practicality of walking the doing and cooking the meals, it was about checking out of work. I often stayed in my work clothes, though I completely got his desire to change.

Now that I walk the dog and cook the meals, I immediately change, and feel the benefit of being, at least symbolically away from work. Before I attack pile of marking

OP, your DH is out of order. The bit about not wanting you to have a second shower, is he having a Napoleon moment, the one where, apocryphally at least, he wrote asking Josephine not to wash as he was returning in three days. :o

Being "comfy" isn't the most important thing in the world. It's also important to wear clothes that your other half likes. My DH has certain clothes that I hate, and I've told him, and he doesn't wear them in front of me any more. Same with me and a particular pair of jeans of mine he dislikes. It's fine! The idea of dressing up to look nice for everyone else, and not for your partner, is a bit sad to me.

Good grief - I thought this sort of attitude went out with the ark Being comfortable actually is important. I couldn't care less what a DP wore, and would expect the same in return. Also I don't dress up to "look nice" (whatever that means!) for anyone else - I dress to please me and me alone. Thankfully any DP I've ever had thinks the same way.

I live in Japan. Most Japanese people get changed into loungewear when they are at home. It would be considered very weird to sit at home in your work suit. I think generally Japanese people are considered pretty stylish, so definitely not a British thing at all.

I work three days a week. As soon as I get home 6:30) I put on my pj's. Otherdays, if I'm not going out I stay in my pjs. husband retired, some days he just wears underpants and his dressing gown all day

His redeeming features are that he is good at chores. Does all the laundry and ironing. Cleans floors, wipes down the kitchen surfaces, does the dishwasher everynight. He's hands on with the kids, looks after them all day during school hols, does fun activities with them etc. Takes them away for days out occasionally, has even taken them away for nights away on a cycling trip.
He is not all abusive financially, we earn roughly the same, all money is shared and can be spent as we like. He will never tell me not to go out with friends, will actually encourage it and will happily look after the kids anytime I want to go out and I would do the same for him obviously.
My mum and dad moved up to be nearer us recently and he did most of the moving for them and has spend most of his free time doing jobs in their new place.
So he does have some good qualities but quite a few annoying traits. Like I said he is frustrated with the lockdown and his behaviour has got worse and worse trying to control people around him.

You should be/feel comfortable in your own home & it’s normal to get changed whatever time you feel like it.

I had a shower last night at 8, got into my lounge wear and he didn't say anything. I think he realised he crossed a line last night.
I shall carry on as I like and will speak to him about his frustrations.

Doing all that within the home does not cancel out the fact that he is controlling you all the same.

Image is all important to controlling men and thinly point of view he will respect is his own. Therefore talking to him about this will be a waste of time because he really does think he is doing nothing wrong re his treatment of you. Being plausible to outsiders is also another MO of theirs.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

What are your children learning about relationships here when they as well as you are being bossed about by him, you described life with him as being akin to being in the army. He calls the shots here and you have little to no power in this relationship.

Many people are similarly frustrated by lockdowns but they do not all choose to act like your H has done towards you. Stop making excuses for him and otherwise trying to excuse or minimise his behaviour and the adverse affects on you and your kids.

It sounds like he's at risk of discovering you prefer jogging bottoms to him...