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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP says I smell all the time..

226 replies

Likeroses · 05/05/2021 15:02

I suspect my DP is on the autistic spectrum, when we first met he would shower before and after we had sex I mean every time so if we had sex 5 times in a day he would shower all those times. I got pregnant with DD and whilst in labour he told me I smelt and shouted at me to get in the bath.
It's gotten worse he won't touch my vagina he will literally just do PIV and he won't kiss either.

I've had episodes of BV so I use the gel everyday gp said I have no infection I wash before sex and afterwards. Just feeling sick of having to be 100 percent freshly showered for him to come near me.
We briefly separated around two years ago and I had a fling he loved how I smelt.

It's really bothering me.

OP posts:
readingismycardio · 05/05/2021 18:18

I'm dreading her reaching puberty as he will tell her she smells as well.

Or you can dump him and not traumatise her.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/05/2021 18:21

"I'm dreading her reaching puberty as he will tell her she smells as well."

It really is well past time to have a serious discussion with your DP @Likeroses. VERY serious. Because you know how his behaviour is affecting you, and can surely work out how it would affect your daughter in her formative years.

It doesn't matter if he is or isn't autistic. It doesn't matter if he has supersensitive sense of smell, or not. All that matters is how he behaves towards you and your daughter. And right now, he's behaving like a total arsehole.

So - time for a sit-down chat, where you lay your cards on the table and he responds. And your cards are - stop making me feel as if I am disgusting. If you have a issue with smell, you deal with it - shove a bung up your nose, smear camphor over your top lip, I don't care, but it is your problem to deal with, not mine. You do not tell me that I smell, because I know I don't. You NEVER so much as imply to our daughter that she smells - EVER. And you're a totally crap shag and I'm never having sex with you again

WHAT he does is damaging, the WHY is irrelevant. If he can't/won't rein himself in, then frankly, your relationship is dead.

656times · 05/05/2021 18:27

DUMP

baldafrique · 05/05/2021 18:30

Its incredible that you've put up with this for so long OP. It's truly unacceptable behaviour. It doesnt matter the reason. You cant live like that. It's not a normal relationship and he needs to be alone if he cant handle totally normal smells.

Branleuse · 05/05/2021 18:33

I think you need to leave him, as you say, it wont just be you. In 2 or 3 years your daughter is going to be accused of smelling bad.
Whether hes autistic or not is irrelevent (im autistic)

Babygotblueyes · 05/05/2021 18:39

ASD people do get focused on things and it sounds like this is what is fixated on. but it is hurtful and horrible and you deserve better. His ASD is no excuse for saying hurtful things - people with ASD can learn good manners.

PanamaPattie · 05/05/2021 18:46

Stop washing and shaving and if you're lucky he might leave you.

5zeds · 05/05/2021 18:47

Perhaps he’d be happier if he couldn’t smell? What about Vics on his top lip like when they do autopsies?

HaveringWavering · 05/05/2021 18:48

@NailsNeedDoing

It’s well known that people on the autistic spectrum can have very sensitive senses, it’s likely that what would be very mild smells to most people are actually very strong to him.

There are some nasty disablist posts on this thread already, and considering so many of us on here have autistic children, I’m surprised at how small minded MN can be sometimes.

Obviously, it’s not going to be nice to be told that you smell, but why can’t you just acknowledge that this isn’t your husband being unkind for the sake of it and that this is down to his disability that can cause a very heightened sense of smell.

He is a grown man, married with a child. He is able to say “I’m sorry, I have a heightened sense of smell and so your NORMAL smell is a problem for me. It is not you it is me”.

Instead he acts like an arsehole and blames OP. Sorry, no sympathy here.

user1471538283 · 05/05/2021 18:52

We each have a smell that we either really like or do not but not to the point that anyone smells bad. It is inexcusable he told you you smelt giving birth. He would have hated me! I and the walls were covered in blood! I was desperate for a shower and as much as DS's father was horrible he did say he would get in and help me but we were not allowed.

I would make plans to leave. He sounds insufferable.

flashylamp · 05/05/2021 18:56

@Babygotblueyes

ASD people do get focused on things and it sounds like this is what is fixated on. but it is hurtful and horrible and you deserve better. His ASD is no excuse for saying hurtful things - people with ASD can learn good manners.

You know he hasn't actually been diagnosed right?

baldafrique · 05/05/2021 18:58

And even if he is diagnosed, the OP shouldn't put up with that behaviour. It's not on in a relationship.

cuparfull · 05/05/2021 18:59

Protect your daughter from him. Women have enough grief in our very existence without his shit undermining her further.
Ditch the bastard if he cant keep his mouth shut! No excuse for being an a...hole. He should have learned by now not to be hurtful.

Carouselfish · 05/05/2021 19:02

I had a friend struggling with his sexuality. One of the things he said was that, he'd tried having girlfriends but didn't like the way they smelled. Their hair, skin etc. Their pheromones I guess. Has your partner had this issue with other people?

Alternatively, is there something strong in your diet? Do you eat a lot of spicy foods or garlic? Have you tried different deodorants or shower gels?

Im approaching this as him having a genuine issue and not just being an arse.

Boo2997 · 05/05/2021 19:03

I’m not sticking up for him. But I feel your dp is getting some hate on here - which I do understand but you say you suspect he’s on the spectrum? Many people on the spectrum are super super sensitive to smells and the slightest smells can really make them gag. DS is like this. He is autistic and things that we consider normal smells make him vomit. This can be anything from food to things in nature.

He obviously needs to learn how to deal with this though ^ treating you like this is not okay.

Autistic people tend to be very honest too.

Zoorhik · 05/05/2021 19:04

@NailsNeedDoing

It’s well known that people on the autistic spectrum can have very sensitive senses, it’s likely that what would be very mild smells to most people are actually very strong to him.

There are some nasty disablist posts on this thread already, and considering so many of us on here have autistic children, I’m surprised at how small minded MN can be sometimes.

Obviously, it’s not going to be nice to be told that you smell, but why can’t you just acknowledge that this isn’t your husband being unkind for the sake of it and that this is down to his disability that can cause a very heightened sense of smell.

Well said I totally agree.
Zoorhik · 05/05/2021 19:05

@Babdoc

Sensory overload is very distressing to autistics. My DD and I can both suffer meltdowns if we are exposed to loud noise, flashing lights or strong smells. And because all our senses are hypersensitive, we are triggered at much lower levels than normal. DD has to wear noise cancelling headphones if her DP is having a zoom call with his parents. I feel physically sick at the faintest whiff of cigarette smoke, and am driven to murderous rage by the neighbours’ wind chimes and Christmas lights! OP, your DH is very likely to be autistic, particularly with his family history. You can’t cure his autism, but you can sit him down and discuss ways to manage it. This could include a discussion of appropriate social behaviour and courtesy, for example, plus some ideas for how to handle his over sensitive nose. Don’t assume that he is being deliberately abusive - autistics find it very difficult to appreciate the effect of their behaviour on other people. He may think he is being perfectly logical in pointing out a (to him) unbearable stink - he can’t see that you would find that hurtful unless you spell it out. You obviously loved each other enough to want to spend your lives together. You just need to find a way to work around the sensory and communication issues. I wish you well in achieving that.
You ar3 quite right Babdoc.
flashylamp · 05/05/2021 19:06

Well said I totally agree.

You agree someone should put up with abuse because need to respect their partners non existent/possible disability Hmm

flashylamp · 05/05/2021 19:07

@Boo2997

I’m not sticking up for him. But I feel your dp is getting some hate on here - which I do understand but you say you suspect he’s on the spectrum? Many people on the spectrum are super super sensitive to smells and the slightest smells can really make them gag. DS is like this. He is autistic and things that we consider normal smells make him vomit. This can be anything from food to things in nature.

He obviously needs to learn how to deal with this though ^ treating you like this is not okay.

Autistic people tend to be very honest too.

Of course he is getting hate. He is acting abusively towards OP. The does not need to do this. He can choose not to do this.

StatisticallyChallenged · 05/05/2021 19:13

I actually think the posts excusing him on the basis "he can't help it, it's autism " (paraphrasing) are actually offensive and in some cases disablist. It creates an impression that cruel abusive behaviour is an expected part of living with someone with autism. How to put people off and make it even harder for autistic people to find fulfilling relationships - create an impression that abusive behaviour is a trait.

baldafrique · 05/05/2021 19:14

Disablist to say that the OP shouldn't be treated like this?! She is being treated like SHIT.

mathanxiety · 05/05/2021 19:18

The Sally Challens reference rang a bell with me too. I think he is being abusive.

You need to resist the pressure he is putting on you, from the root.

Don't address his comments because that tells him he has you engaged on the topic.

Don't wash before sex.

Shower daily if that is your wish but don't if you don't want to.

Don't do any shaving he demands of you either.

Tell him instead that there must be something wrong with him to make those remarks to you, and to feel so uncomfortable around sex.

Ask him to have himself thoroughly screened for autism and to engage with a psychotherapist so that he can come to grips with his serious psycho-sexual issues.

Smack the ball right back into his court.

BuggerBognor · 05/05/2021 19:19

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Original poster
Likeroses · 05/05/2021 19:21

He does sometimes kiss but it's robotic and only if I initiate . He does not initiate any affection like hugging or kissing. sex is very robotic he will lie on his back and won't do any other position.
He doesn't touch my vagina just breasts or bum. I don't think he likes the way fannys smell. if my feet are a bit a pongy after a long day at work he will moan and moan saying they smell get in the shower they stink.

OP posts:
HerMammy · 05/05/2021 19:21

And again, abusive arsehole being excused as ‘possibly autistic’ please can we stop with this.