DP says I smell all the time..

[Likeroses]

I suspect my DP is on the autistic spectrum, when we first met he would shower before and after we had sex I mean every time so if we had sex 5 times in a day he would shower all those times. I got pregnant with DD and whilst in labour he told me I smelt and shouted at me to get in the bath.
It's gotten worse he won't touch my vagina he will literally just do PIV and he won't kiss either.

I've had episodes of BV so I use the gel everyday gp said I have no infection I wash before sex and afterwards. Just feeling sick of having to be 100 percent freshly showered for him to come near me.
We briefly separated around two years ago and I had a fling he loved how I smelt.

It's really bothering me.

@Carouselfish

I had a friend struggling with his sexuality. One of the things he said was that, he'd tried having girlfriends but didn't like the way they smelled. Their hair, skin etc. Their pheromones I guess. Has your partner had this issue with other people?

Alternatively, is there something strong in your diet? Do you eat a lot of spicy foods or garlic? Have you tried different deodorants or shower gels?

Im approaching this as him having a genuine issue and not just being an arse.

He shouted at her for smelling during labour so I think we can safely assume that anything else aside, he absolutely is an arsehole. Imagine shouting at the person you love at their most vulnerable when they are bringing your baby into the world. That's next level abusive behaviour, poor OP.

What do you get out of this relationship OP?

Autistic people tend to be very honest too

But NOT fucking abusive.

Don’t assume that he is being deliberately abusive - autistics find it very difficult to appreciate the effect of their behaviour on other people

See above.

There are some nasty disablist posts on this thread already, and considering so many of us on here have autistic children, I’m surprised at how small minded MN can be sometimes

Oh, yes, that broadminded thing where somebody can't possibly be abusive, they have to be Autistic and for the abusive behaviour to be Autistic behaviour because Autistic = Abusive.

And just with Autistic children? None who are Autistic themselves and can see through the bullshit to a man who will likely scream at an 11 child soon enough that her vagina stinks of blood and she has to bath immediately so she doesn't make him sick? Not because he's overwhelmed when vomit, shit and unwashed people at work never made him do it, he just breathed through his mouth and it didn't bother him? But because he is abusive in respect of females and female smells.

@Boo2997

I’m not sticking up for him. But I feel your dp is getting some hate on here - which I do understand but you say you suspect he’s on the spectrum? Many people on the spectrum are super super sensitive to smells and the slightest smells can really make them gag. DS is like this. He is autistic and things that we consider normal smells make him vomit. This can be anything from food to things in nature.

He obviously needs to learn how to deal with this though ^ treating you like this is not okay.

Autistic people tend to be very honest too.

I got pregnant with DD and whilst in labour he told me I smelt and shouted at me to get in the bath.

This isn't 'honest' it's abusive, aggressive, controlling and awful. She. Was. In. Labour.

@Likeroses

He does sometimes kiss but it's robotic and only if I initiate . He does not initiate any affection like hugging or kissing. sex is very robotic he will lie on his back and won't do any other position. He doesn't touch my vagina just breasts or bum. I don't think he likes the way fannys smell. if my feet are a bit a pongy after a long day at work he will moan and moan saying they smell get in the shower they stink.

He lies on his back.... This just gets worse and worse.....

My experience of autistic people is gentle kind and horrified if they upset you by saying the wrong thing. I expect there are lots of different characters who have asd though don’t you?

@5zeds

My experience of autistic people is gentle kind and horrified if they upset you by saying the wrong thing. I expect there are lots of different characters who have asd though don’t you?

Apparently you're being disablist by saying that. All Autistic people are inherently venomous cunts.

This is abuse and he knows very well what he is doing. He’s trying to crumble your spirit and self esteem, he gets a kick out of it. If you believe you smell, you are less inclined to interact with others, by ‘ allowing’ you to climb on board and please him- he’s doing you a favour, after all if you smell so bad, what other man will want you?. Please see this for what it is and get you and your children as far away from this vile abuser as you can, before he inflicts more damage.

@5zeds

Perhaps he’d be happier if he couldn’t smell? What about Vics on his top lip like when they do autopsies?

I can't imagine that would help with oral [ouch]

The thing is - doesn't matter if his behaviour is due to ASD, SPD, arseholism, being in the closet- he's totally happy with the situation, doesn't want to change, isn't going to do anything differently. So where does that leave the OP?

Does he say these things to you in front of other people OP? Were the midwives in the room when he told you to shower?

Well he doesn’t have to like oral @MelissaVonStressel does he? “My husband doesn’t like oral” is a rather different problem to “my husband finds body odour intolerable and is making me miserable about it”.

Some conditions/medication DO make you smell more. I know because a close relative was seriously ill and during a slow recovery had to deal with it. (To the point of needing adjustments at work). Resolved now but horrid at the time. Presumably there ARE things that can be done by the dh to help.

Let me guess, he didnt say this shit to you at the start of your relationship? Funny that.

if my feet are a bit a pongy after a long day at work he will moan and moan saying they smell get in the shower they stink.

This is called breaking your spirit. It is emotional and psychological abuse.

His approach to sex is sexual abuse.

Haven’t read the whole thread. I had an ex who told me constantly that my vagina smelled. Made me feel awful and very self conscious. After a long time single, I met someone and actually asked the guy whether he agreed. Answer was no. It’s a horribly abusive trait and I think can only partially be explained by the autism. I’m not normally one for LTB... but LTB. I feel like a woman again after being with men who actually enjoyed me as a woman. You need that and I don’t think would ever look back. Hugs x

@5zeds

My experience of autistic people is gentle kind and horrified if they upset you by saying the wrong thing. I expect there are lots of different characters who have asd though don’t you?

My son has it and he's quite awful. He's so extraordinarily selfish it's wrecked our family, he's violent when he doesn't get his way and does not give a flying fuck if he upsets others, in fact, he feels it's entirely someone else's fault. He's now being medicated with an anti-psychotic due to the violence his autism manifests. So they're all different but his autism is the bane of our existence and tbh, I wouldn't be sorry if he were eventually removed from us and plan on leaving when my daughter leaves home. I can't take this anymore.

At any rate, NO ONE should put up with abuse from a partner like this. NO ONE.

It's very sad that the OP thought so little of herself she did not dump this prick when he was showering 5 fucking times a day before and after sex but now there's a child involved she really needs to get that child away from this abuser.

Why are you still with him, OP?

(Though I do sympathise with him over smelly feet.)

@osbertthesyrianhamster
Sounds so awful to be around and deal with

@osbertthesyrianhamster

[quote baldafrique]@osbertthesyrianhamster
Sounds so awful to be around and deal with [/quote]
It's really, really bad.

@osbertthesyrianhamster
How old is your son? My DB has ASD and I once heard him at age 17 say to someone on the phone in all seriousness "my plan is to turn all of my family against each other" - I'm still shocked!

[quote baldafrique]@osbertthesyrianhamster
How old is your son? My DB has ASD and I once heard him at age 17 say to someone on the phone in all seriousness "my plan is to turn all of my family against each other" - I'm still shocked! [/quote]
He's nearly 13. I don't see myself lasting till he's 17. Oh, yes, he's extremely clever and has been picked up by the police several times because any time he goes into a shop he feels entitled to whatever he wants and if you say NO and leave he'll attempt to leave the store, saying 'my parents will pay for it' and then blaming us entirely because 'you should have paid for it!' He knows exactly what he's doing, too, because he'll whisper at you that you're 'making a scene'. He's entitled beyond belief. His condition has brought me closer to suicide than even our older daughter's death. Our other DD is the only reason I'm still here.

@osbertthesyrianhamster
God that is so awful, the whispered bit especially about you 'making a scene'. I guess it shows that anyone can be manipulative and callous. I really feel for you. I imagine it can be just so lonely

I share your pain, diagnosed Aspergers DS (now adult) was just like this, violent, abusive, law breaking from aged 8. Diagnosed aged 15.
Lied about us to school, SS, CAMHS, put us though hell, nearly broke us as a family, destroyed younger DD self confidence and wrecked my business with his false allegations.

I am nc with him, now. And his Father, due to his (diagnosed as an adult. but denied) Aspergers, which he refused to seek any help with.

Awful I hate the narrative that people with ASD cannot be unkind or cruel. It is so patronising and just a massive load of shit that negates the lived experiences of family members.