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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend moving in to property that I own

108 replies

Proudplantowner · 04/05/2021 18:21

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some advice on moving in with my boyfriend.

We have been together for 2 years. He is a kind, considerate man and I am feeling cautiously optimistic about things!
I own my flat and have a relatively cheap mortgage. I owned it with my ex. After finding out that he had cheated on me multiple times, I ended it and bought him out. I'm much better off without him but it made me a bit wary about starting anything new too soon. And very wary about being financially tied to anyone else. My current boyfriend is nothing like my ex thankfully.
My current boyfriend is renting a house with friends but he brought up the subject of him moving in with me when the tenancy ends. He casually asked how it would work, if he would pay half the mortgage and so on.
I wasn't sure how to answer this. I would not feel comfortable with putting him on the mortgage, especially after what happened with my ex. Equally I don't think he should pay my mortgage. My mortgage is fairly low and I don't think he should be paying for it if his name is not on it. My question is, how do I make it fair? Do I get him to pay for groceries and utility bills? Or is there another way that we could arrange this? Has anyone been in this situation? Thank you in advance.

OP posts:

Willowkins · 04/05/2021 18:32

This is likely to change the whole dynamic of your relationship. What's in it for you that you can't get the way things are currently? And are you sure he's being completely honest with you? It would be a No from me.

category12 · 04/05/2021 18:36

You might find this useful - www.abacus-law.co.uk/blog/cohabitation-rights-when-partner-moves-into-your-property/

RoxanneMonke · 04/05/2021 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

category12 · 04/05/2021 18:40

Obviously, as the link above is written by solicitors, they advise putting together a co-habitation agreement with a solicitor , but it might be something you want to think about doing or getting a quick bit of advice from one.

Blanca87 · 04/05/2021 18:41

I think because it’s him that is driving the move, I would be wary.

Mydarlingmyhamburger · 04/05/2021 18:41

@RoxanneMonke

Why do you think he’s not being honest *@Willowkins*? Why shouldn’t he want to move in with her, this is normal progression in a relationship?

Because op’s first oh wasn’t honest and she got burnt? A natural profession doesn’t have to involve cohabiting with a man and leaving yourself financially vulnerable.

Do you really want to move in with him op?

Original poster

Proudplantowner · 04/05/2021 18:43

Thank you for replying. Like I said, I wouldn't put him on the mortgage. But I would want the relationship to progress in the future and to start a life with him. I think the main way of knowing whether a relationship will work is moving in together. I know normally people would rent somewhere together so I agree it would change the dynamic as I own the flat alone.

OP posts:

grapewine · 04/05/2021 18:44

A natural profession doesn’t have to involve cohabiting with a man and leaving yourself financially vulnerable.

This needs to be shouted from the rooftops.

Dontbeme · 04/05/2021 18:45

Do you want to live with him OP? How did you feel when he asked about moving in, your gut feeling first reaction, excited or anxious? Do you think he wants to move in to progress the relationship or because it is convenient for him? Sorry for all the questions but something to think about before you speak to him?

I think in your position and the background of what happened with your ex, I would suggest you rent a place together so it would be your joint home, rather than him moving into your home and rent your place out to cover your mortgage. I would not have BF pay into the mortgage and would get legal advice to protect yourself. His reaction to all this will tell you what you need to know. Honestly as nice as this bloke is I would be cautious and protect myself financially, advice I wish I had as a younger woman.

OrchestraOfWankery · 04/05/2021 18:46

My current boyfriend is renting a house with friends but he brought up the subject of him moving in with me when the tenancy ends

I bet he did! be wary, OP. Do not put him on your mortgage. Sort out the financials with him before you consider moving him in. Direct debits for his half of bills, sort out who does what housework, shopping, cooking etc.

So many women saddle themselves with cocklodgers, sadly. Not saying he'll turn out like that - just be careful.

katy1213 · 04/05/2021 18:48

You shouldn't be supporting him. Charge him the market rate for a flatshare and half food/utilities/council tax.
What's he paying at the moment? You don't need to give him any better a deal than he's getting right now.
Although I'd be tempted to leave him as he is for a year or two longer.

Original poster

Proudplantowner · 04/05/2021 18:50

@category12 thank you, I will have a look

@grapewine I agree, I would not want to leave myself financially vulnerable. So that is why I am wondering how he could move in without putting myself in that position.

@Blanca87 sorry I wasn't clear. We have both brought it up once or twice before, but haven't discussed the practicalities of it.

@Mydarlingmyhamburger I do, because at some point in the future I want to get married/have children. And he is a fantastic man. But, I know from past experience that the main way to see if you are compatible is to move in and see how things turn out.

OP posts:

Lou98 · 04/05/2021 18:51

I definitely think after 2 years it is normal to start wanting to move in with your partner, not sure why some people jump straight on that meaning he must be hiding something because he wants to live with you 🤔

Do you want him to move in OP? It sounds like you do but it's just the dynamic that's worrying you. Honestly, it doesn't have to.

Definitely don't add him to the mortgage. You'll get different opinions on here on whether you should charge him "rent" or not charge him for the mortgage at all. Only you can decide what you feel comfortable with in that regard.
Personally, when my DP and I were in a similar situation we split all bills (minus the mortgage) 50/50 so all utilities/council tax etc, took it in turn getting the food shopping and things. The mortgage my DP paid for himself as I wasn't on it at the time and so it made sense for both of us.

As you've said your mortgage is fairly cheap and you're worried about the dynamic changing I would say it would make more sense for you to keep paying the mortgage yourself but split all of the rest of the bills evenly.

All of the above is assuming that you earn similar amounts, if one of you earns a lot more than the other then you could split things differently

Conkergame · 04/05/2021 18:52

Hi OP. I was in this situation (without the nasty ex, thankfully!)

In my case I still had a large mortgage and needed lodgers to help me pay it, (DP replaced the last lodger), so I drew up a tenancy agreement and charged DP rent for half the mortgage amount. I also found a contract online that I got DP to sign which said he had no claim on the house. He would have to pay rent if he lived anywhere else so why shouldn’t he pay rent to you?

However, as you say you have a small mortgage, if you can afford it on your own I would just charge him for bills - half or maybe two thirds of council tax, gas, electricity, internet, water, etc. He will still be getting an incredible deal and will be paying his way rather than leeching off you.

Hope it goes well for you - my DP became my DH last year and we are selling this house to buy a bigger one together

Moirarose2021 · 04/05/2021 18:53

I charge my dp a flat rate for his share of bills and food, works for us I am better off with him here and he is better off than he would be elsewhere

HollowTalk · 04/05/2021 18:54

There is no way I'd put him on the mortgage. Even if I got married I'd have a pre-nup to say what value in the flat is yours. I know they're not worth much but if it was a shortlived marriage you'd be glad of that.

Does he have savings? How good is he with money? Is he a responsible person? Trustworthy? How does he treat other people?

ooonicorn · 04/05/2021 18:56

I did this with now dh. I insisted on paying the same amount to him every month as I would be spending on rent. I didn't save anything but didn't lose anything. I think that's fair

Original poster

Proudplantowner · 04/05/2021 18:56

@Dontbeme @OrchestraOfWankery @katy1213 thank you all for your good advice.
He has said he wants marriage/kids in the future too. But like you all say, I would want to be careful. I've known him since we were kids which makes me think he is more trustworthy than the useless ex.
Renting somewhere together isn't something that had crossed my mind but it's something to think about.
Orchestra, so if you were me would you charge him half of the mortgage, or to cover the bills/council tax/groceries? That's the bit I'm unsure about.

OP posts:

ooonicorn · 04/05/2021 18:57

Sorry, wasn't clear. Wasn't on mortgage, it was rent I'd be paying elsewhere anyway

Jocasta2018 · 04/05/2021 18:58

Don't put him on your mortgage or charge him rent.
He pays half utilities & council tax & food & house insurance. Any costs to do with your property, you pay.
Live together for a while, see how it goes.
If you want to take the relationship to another level then you can sell up & buy together or rent out your place & still buy together.
In theory because he's not paying rent, just day to day living costs, he will be able to save towards buying a future home.
Keep your financial independence for the foreseeable future - you own your property with a low mortgage which is a fortunate place to be. Certain men will find this very attractive, you just need to sort the wheat from the chaff!

HappyPie82 · 04/05/2021 19:00

I own my own place but moved in with my boyfriend around a year ago.
My place is rented so we came to an agreement of half the bills each and I cover our food as I earn about 30% more and then I save the equivalent of his mortgage in a savings account each month, this becomes our shared savings and we will buy things which benefit us both and if we were to split up I would give him half in recognition of living rent free. But by saving it I’m also not better off each month than him as I don’t have more disposable income iyswim. Whilst the savings pot is in my name and only I can take money out of it, I show him the statements whenever and we have an excel sheet to keep track of any money we spend from it.

katy1213 · 04/05/2021 19:00

The mortgage is nothing to do with him; I wouldn't even tell him how much it is. You own an asset and you should be charging him a realistic rent. He'll be no worse off; if you're slightly better off, well, you're the one with the assets and responsibilities.

Dreaminbleu · 04/05/2021 19:02

Same as another poster, I used to have a lodger and when he gave notice my DP moved in. He pays slightly less than my last lodger, because he has a car and I don’t so inevitably he pays more for petrol etc as we both use it. He’s not on my mortgage or anything.

We’re actually buying somewhere together in the next week or so and will both be paying into the deposit and mortgage so I’m proof it can work out! I thought of him moving in for a year or so as a low risk way of testing the waters - if we broke up, he would move out and I would still have my home.

category12 · 04/05/2021 19:03

I think it has to be clear that he doesn't pay half the mortgage or he could potentially gain an interest in the property? I'm not sure how easy it is to gain or prove an interest, but it's worth checking out before you gaily say he should pay half.

Original poster

Proudplantowner · 04/05/2021 19:03

Thank you all so much, the advice here is great.
@HollowTalk he does have savings and saves what he can after paying his rent and utility bills. He treats other people very well; probably too well and puts other people first.
@Lou98 the dynamic worries me a little yes. I've also never been in this situation before and don't know anyone else who has so when he asked me how it might work I wasn't sure how to answer. Which is how I ended up here!

OP posts:

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