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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend moving in to property that I own

108 replies

Proudplantowner · 04/05/2021 18:21

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some advice on moving in with my boyfriend.

We have been together for 2 years. He is a kind, considerate man and I am feeling cautiously optimistic about things!
I own my flat and have a relatively cheap mortgage. I owned it with my ex. After finding out that he had cheated on me multiple times, I ended it and bought him out. I'm much better off without him but it made me a bit wary about starting anything new too soon. And very wary about being financially tied to anyone else. My current boyfriend is nothing like my ex thankfully.
My current boyfriend is renting a house with friends but he brought up the subject of him moving in with me when the tenancy ends. He casually asked how it would work, if he would pay half the mortgage and so on.
I wasn't sure how to answer this. I would not feel comfortable with putting him on the mortgage, especially after what happened with my ex. Equally I don't think he should pay my mortgage. My mortgage is fairly low and I don't think he should be paying for it if his name is not on it. My question is, how do I make it fair? Do I get him to pay for groceries and utility bills? Or is there another way that we could arrange this? Has anyone been in this situation? Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
Yawnthisway · 05/05/2021 08:16

I don’t think there are any red flags over the fact he has mentioned his tenancy is ending and therefore the decision of moving in together is raised. It’s simply a discussion that happens now because if the answer is no then it has to wait another year because he will commit to another tenancy.

I also think the majority of young people can’t afford to live alone and there is nothing adult about spending more on rent just to tick a “lived alone” box when you could save towards deposit.

I wonder how many people are thinking the op is older ? She’s mentioned she sees marriage and babies in the future but people keep pointing out that she doesn’t have to move in with someone to progress the relationship which is more advice id give to someone who was much older and didn’t want children with that partner?

mimofboy2 · 05/05/2021 08:21

I moved in with my then boyfriend who owned his own place, I paid for groceries and council tax and he did the mortgage and bills. This worked well for us as it meant he remained on everything to do with the flat but I still contributed financially. We sold the flat and bought together a year later and are now married with 2 children. I was the one that suggested moving in because I didn't want to rent somewhere and be tied in for 6 months if we were looking to live together anyway.

MilduraS · 05/05/2021 08:48

I moved into my DH's house and paid rent to contribute to the bills. I never saw it as me contributing to the mortgage though he did use some of the money towards it. The way I saw it, I'd be paying more rent to a landlord anyway so living together was financially beneficial to both of us. If we hadn't moved in together I don't think I'd have been in a position to put a deposit down for a good ten or fifteen years so it's not like I'd lost an opportunity to buy my own place. For what it's worth I studied civil litigation a few years ago and TOLATA claims are horribly complicated and expensive. Generally it's only worth pursuing if you've been together for a very very long time and have done something like help pay for a loft conversion or other major work (so have created more equity with your own money) or if there are kids involved. Even then, the average person would struggle with the legal fees.

EverythingRuined · 05/05/2021 09:01

@Wegobshite

If your mortgage is say £400 a month I would charge him half the bills so council tax utilities and food Then an extra £100 -£150 on top as why should anyone live for free If he’s in a house share then he is probably paying around £500 £600 a month So to get the whole use of a house is a good deal for around £350 -£400 or a good deal
I'd do something like that.it's important to sit down and have a really good chat about what each of you expect of the other. What happens if, for example, you want to decorate? Should he help? Should he help pay? Does he get a say in choice of colour? Etc You really needs to work if he is staying with you or truly sharing with you ?
QuestionEverythingOrBeASheep · 05/05/2021 10:21

@Dontbeme

Do you want to live with him OP? How did you feel when he asked about moving in, your gut feeling first reaction, excited or anxious? Do you think he wants to move in to progress the relationship or because it is convenient for him? Sorry for all the questions but something to think about before you speak to him?

I think in your position and the background of what happened with your ex, I would suggest you rent a place together so it would be your joint home, rather than him moving into your home and rent your place out to cover your mortgage. I would not have BF pay into the mortgage and would get legal advice to protect yourself. His reaction to all this will tell you what you need to know. Honestly as nice as this bloke is I would be cautious and protect myself financially, advice I wish I had as a younger woman.

This is what I was thinking. Definitely the way I would go.. I've heard too many horror stories of women being too trusting in situations like this. Then they are taken to the cleaners quite legally when things don't work out. Those fateful words 'I didn't think he would do this' are all too common.
seensome · 05/05/2021 10:55

I think it's very sensible not to want to put him on the mortgage, when you haven't even tried living together, it's but of a red flag of him to put you in this awkward position but if he a decent guy he will respect that it's your property and you need to get to the stage of wanting to buy together rather then rushing straight in.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 05/05/2021 14:23

@SkedaddIe

Houses usually increase in value. So I'm curious would pp talking about wear and tear be prepared to gift their partners 50% of the difference between the increase in equity (minus the maintenance costs and mortgage interest)
Unless you are married no one is under any obligation to share their income or investment profits with a partner. And if you are going to use someone else's appliances and furnishings then yes you should be making a contribution towards their eventual replacement.
bluecarry · 05/05/2021 14:44

Similar situation here, although now we've been living together over a year we have started discussing a mortgage together. I also earn double DP salary, so wanted to ensure that was fair too. My mortgage is small, and what works for us is DP paying half the bills and half the food shopping. The bills haven't increased much with DP presence (other then council tax) so it means I'm better off each month but we don't have the difficulty of dividing the mortgage/rent. As for everything else e.g meals out, holidays etc we just split 50/50.

YankeeDad · 05/05/2021 16:56

Of course it makes sense to be careful, and to protect yourself financially, but he actually sounds like a good guy.

If what you want is to have him move in to your current home, so you can try living together, avoid having to move somewhere else, avoid having to pay rent, and protect your ownership interests, then I should hope that with a few hours of decent legal effort and a short, well-drafted agreement, that ought to be totally feasible.

As an initial idea, how about something like this:

  1. Mortgage remains yours and yours alone, as does the ownership of your home;

  2. You have a legal document between yourselves that makes it very clear that it remains YOUR house and home, and that you have the right to kick him out unilaterally at short notice without having to give a reason.

  3. He covers 50% of all other household bills, as do you. Presumably this would leave you better off than now, since utilities, telecoms and food costs will not double if he moves in;

  4. Whatever he was paying before on rent, he instead puts into an account in his own name, but with the idea that he is saving this as contribution towards a deposit on an eventual future home together. So he will be financially better off than before on a standalone basis, but at no incremental cost or risk to you, and the extra money he’s getting will be saved towards a potential future home to be purchased together. And if it does not work out between you, he has absolutely no legal or moral right to stay in your house, plus he has the resources to move out quickly;

If you were to split up, then yes he will have benefitted more than you financially from the time together, but as long as you have also benefitted, maybe that is not so important? Meanwhile your home will clearly remain your home, you will also be better off financially than if you had gone to the trouble of renting another property, you will avoid the hassle of moving, and you could legally and morally kick him out while knowing you had been “more than fair”. While he would benefit financially more than you would from the arrangement, he would bear more of the hassle and risk: he would have to move once in order to move in, and he would take all of the risk of potentially having to move again and find a new place at short notice if it did not work out between you.

Before living together you would probably also benefit from discussing and agreeing upon what would constitute an equitable division of household tasks.

If it all works out, you should have more money and less domestic work in any given month after he moves in, As should he. That is not a basis for a relationship in and of itself, but it could provide a propitious context for the development of a good relationship. Also, if you find that is not happening after a few months, then you will get some very useful information about what he’s like without having had to upend your life.

Just a few ideas ... hopefully helpful, but please ignore if not.

YankeeDad · 05/05/2021 17:07

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo
Unless you are married no one is under any obligation to share their income or investment profits with a partner. And if you are going to use someone else's appliances and furnishings then yes you should be making a contribution towards their eventual replacement.

I suppose that a “contribution” makes sense if you have a separate rainy day account for appliances and furnishings, but otherwise that approach does feel a little bit like an accountancy partnership rather than a relationship. Had I asked my future wife for a cash contribution against monthly depreciation of furniture and appliances when she moved in to what was already my place, she probably would have thought I was mean and would not have wanted to marry me!

An alternative approach that feels less like counting beans might be just to treat any durable goods replacement that comes up as being another household bill to be split 50-50. With that approach he’d take more of a risk if everything in your home is about to give out, and you’d take more of the burden if everything is relatively new. What makes sense depends on how meaningful these sorts of expenses are in your total budget, how important precise financial equity is for you, and generally how well this approach would fit his mindset and yours.

Bibidy · 05/05/2021 17:17

My BF lives with me in the flat I own, he pays the bills and I pay the mortgage. We split stuff like food shops.

Proudplantowner · 05/05/2021 18:37

Thank you everyone. I have been reading all the advice given. It sounds like a lot of people are in a similar situation so it is good to hear how you have made it fair while keeping the home fully in your name. Smile

OP posts:
Whatonearth07957 · 05/05/2021 18:40

@katy1213

You shouldn't be supporting him. Charge him the market rate for a flatshare and half food/utilities/council tax. What's he paying at the moment? You don't need to give him any better a deal than he's getting right now. Although I'd be tempted to leave him as he is for a year or two longer.
THIS ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ and with extra 🔔🔔🔔 on!!
OmniversalSpecies2021 · 06/05/2021 18:19

whatever you agree that he pays you as his share - i'd ask him to bank transfer it monthly referenced as 'rent/bills'...that way there is a record if he tries to dispute/claim on your property in any way - i.e after years together

also depends on the income difference if any

Fligo · 06/05/2021 19:44

When I moved in with a partner previously we looked up what I'd have paid as a lodger in a house locally and I paid him that. It was important to me that I didn't want to feel like I was freeloading, but paying a 'lodger' rate was definitely cheaper than what I'd have paid in a flat share. I also found it much simpler than working out half all of the bills month to month.

DateXY · 06/05/2021 20:21

OP, please don't move him into your home. Unlike what a few others have said, moving in with someone isn't "progress".

For men, normally the opposite; it's a chance to stagnate the relationship, taking the woman for granted while getting all the benefits of having a wife, without any of the commitment. He's also suggested it because it's obviously a big benefit for him to have a whole house instead of a house share plus wifely "benefits" on tap (especially sex and cleaning help). But you only stand to ultimately lose the perfect set up you have currently.

If he's truly serious about you (i.e. long term commitment and marriage) the relationship will progress regardless. You can move him in if you both get married.

Dreamingofbeergardens · 06/05/2021 23:37

@DateXY I can understand what you are saying about some men become lazy/the relationship stagnating. But what happens if the OP only moves in with her boyfriend once they marry and then she realises he is that type of bloke? I'm not sure how else the relationship could progress either with what the OP has described?

Dreamingofbeergardens · 06/05/2021 23:40

I say that because having lived with ex-DPs before, I found you only knew their flaws once you moved in and whether they would be deal breakers.

updownroundandround · 07/05/2021 07:43

I think I'd be looking for a rental property together and getting a tenant for your own flat.

That keeps you on an equal footing in the new place, and keeps your flat totally separate.

You still get a good deal because you'll have your tenant effectively paying your mortgage and bills for your flat, so the money you'll pay out each month should be around what it is now, but you've kept yourself separate financially.

category12 · 07/05/2021 07:51

Yeah, personally I think it's probably better to find out if he stagnates in the relationship while unmarried and retaining full ownership of your own assets. If he turns out to be lazy around the house, not pay his way and a pain in the arse generally, then it's toe of your boot and off he goes.

UpTheJunktion · 07/05/2021 07:56

I would ask him to contribute an amount which is rent to cover what it costs to have the roof over your heads: an amount which is rent (as you put towards the mortgage, maybe not as much as half the mortgage, since you benefit from paying off the mortgage and he doesn’t, buildings insurance etc.

Then split the bills, the utilities.

Create a monthly kitty for groceries- both contribute, both spend.

Atalantea · 07/05/2021 08:04

Still not sure why some people think he should live rent free because the op has a house (which she is paying a mortgage on)

He would have to pay rent if he lived anywhere else so why shouldn’t he pay rent to you?

harriethoyle · 07/05/2021 08:10

OP with my ex husband I had a lodger agreement for the spare room with him. That was only ripped up when we married with the agreement he didn't accrue an interest in the house until the point of marriage. When we split made the asset division very easy (TBF he was also very decent and didn't try and challenge it which maybe he could have).

Bibidy · 07/05/2021 14:23

@Atalantea

Still not sure why some people think he should live rent free because the op has a house (which she is paying a mortgage on)

He would have to pay rent if he lived anywhere else so why shouldn’t he pay rent to you?

Agree with this, it's a weird train of thought that often comes up on here...that people shouldn't need to pay for the roof over their head if their partner owns it, rather than a landlord.
YankeeDad · 07/05/2021 15:08

Agree with this, it's a weird train of thought that often comes up on here...that people shouldn't need to pay for the roof over their head if their partner owns it, rather than a landlord.

When my then-GF now-DW moved into my home many years ago, it would have felt rather odd to charge her rent. I would have been concerned about coming across as a miserable tightwad. Was I instead being a chump by not doing that?

Or was my course of action normal and to be expected, considering also that I was, at the time, earning more than double her salary and also saving more than half of my net income, in addition to being a homeowner?

I am genuinely curious as to what other posters will think about this.