Post Affair

[heartlex]

Hi, I caught my husband’s affair at New Years. He said it was over & was over her. We decided to stay together mostly for the sake of our baby & move forward.

Fast forward a few months and I had that sick feeling again. Sure enough he had messaged her and they had even met up. I totally broke down & lost it. He said he is dedicated to us staying together & messaged the other woman in front of me. Told her he loved me and our daughter & he wants to work on our marriage. She replied first demanding they talked and he said no. Eventually she wished him the best and asked him not to contact her again.

I know a lot of people will say leave but I want it to work out. Him messaging her that has made me feel a bit better but does anyone have any experience with affair relapsing after something like this?

@heartlex

Thanks *@Phoenix121*. He has said he’s determined to go cold turkey & cut all ties permanently. All the books say it’s the right route so I’m not sure what else I could demand at this point.

Bearing in mind your decision to give him one last chance, I would say that you are absolutely thinking and doing the right things, OP.

There are some similarities between your experience and mine and what I would say is that when they say it's over, there may be a period during which they have to manage the end of the affair, and it may seem as if the affair is still continuing, but you have to remember that this is the gradual process of bringing the affair to an end. I would say it took about six months before I was completely convinced that no contact was taking place.
It might be that the OW will contact him in time, and he will have to manage that. You just have to let him get on with that, I'm afraid, and trust that he has the maturity to realise that he had to choose between the two of you, that he made the decision to choose you so that involves an continuing commitment to be the best he can possibly be.
From reading your posts, I would say any man is very fortunate to have you as a partner.

@WatieKatie

You’re very defensive of how he’s trying OP. You sound absolutely lovely and a wonderful wife, I’m sad he’s done this to you, not once but twice.

Aside from trying for the sake of the family unit, what’s in it for you? How do your parents and in laws feel about his actions?

I guess I’m defending my decision. I don’t want to look like the fool but I’m also not willing to throw in the towel yet.

We haven’t told our families. I don’t see any value in it unless we seperated. I’ve got a very close group of friends who know all about it but they are all happily married so it’s alien for all of us.

He doesn’t have a way of contacting her at the mo but these are early days.

I do think you need to be a bit less naive about this OP. He could set up a new email address / social media account and contact her really easily.

We talked about what to do if she got in touch again last night and he said she wouldn’t after he admitted to lying & dumping her like that.

So did you agree what he would do if she got in touch again? Or did he just say she wouldn't?

Hi OP. You asked how I know he's not overstepped since.

He offered me full access to his phone, his location, his work timetable. If at any moment I felt insecure, he would offer me his phone, there and then and leave the room so that my usage of it wasn't controlled or monitored.

He shares his location with me at all times so I know where he is.

He volunteered for therapy. Couples and individual.

Basically he realised what he stood to lose and then he put in the work to fix it. Our entire relationship is an open conversation and I don't think it ever won't be again.

If your husband isn't actively doing everything in his power to fix the damage he's created, then it's not worth doing it your end.

Thanks @Phoenix121. I hope we can rebuild some trust in time. Hopefully enough.

The next thing is to work on my self esteem. I’m crushed & fragile. I’m joining a gym today & getting my hair cut tomorrow. I want to have something of my own so maybe getting fit can be it.

[quote heartlex]@NCAccount I daydream about that too. Kicking him out and he just drives to hers. We talked about what to do if she got in touch again last night and he said she wouldn’t after he admitted to lying & dumping her like that. I hope that is the case & she moves on. Partly because it will help put my mind a rest but I can’t lie, I’d like him to know she moved on quickly and it was all a mistake.[/quote]
I had the same lies. That they weren’t intimate anymore, that almost every night was a fight, that they didn’t holiday anymore, etc etc.

I just want you to be aware of what people who cheat can be capable of, and what OW can put up with.

@MizMoonshine

Hi OP. You asked how I know he's not overstepped since.

He offered me full access to his phone, his location, his work timetable. If at any moment I felt insecure, he would offer me his phone, there and then and leave the room so that my usage of it wasn't controlled or monitored.

He shares his location with me at all times so I know where he is.

He volunteered for therapy. Couples and individual.

Basically he realised what he stood to lose and then he put in the work to fix it. Our entire relationship is an open conversation and I don't think it ever won't be again.

If your husband isn't actively doing everything in his power to fix the damage he's created, then it's not worth doing it your end.

This is good to hear. He’s doing all these things at the mo.

One thing holding me back is that he gave me access to everything the first time and once I stopped wanting to check & move on they somehow got back in touch with one another.

@heartlex I'm not saying you have to say anything, I'm just worried for you that you are in that trauma bonding phase. I know right now you would rather feel angry than guilty for not trying, but that will change.

I also think you sound really lovely and he really doesn't deserve your commitment in this, but you have chosen to stay and thats totally up to you, we are just trying to prepare you for what COULD happen. Just because she may be gone, it doesn't mean there won't be anyone else.

Even me, I look at things like this and think how on earth can you stay with someone who cheated on you, that is madness to think that another person can step out of your relationship whenever they feel like it and then get all upset when caught, and the innocent party is left with all the feelings of hurt and decisions on what to do, and really we never made the choice in the first place.

BUT I did it, I stayed and ot still confuses me, and I was only saying to you how I felt afterwards, I felt all the same things as you in the moment. It felt like it needed an immediate decision and I couldn't process it quickly enough so I stayed because I loved him. Over time my feelings were changing.

Its a weird thing isn't it love? How any one person can give is this much happiness or this much sadness. Its amazing how our brains work, if this was anyone else there would be no issue in cutting them off, but as soon as love is involved its very hard.

Sorry that bit wasn't relevant and not helpful, but its just something that made me think.

I might still be in some kind of denial over the extent of his behaviour

Very many of us go through the same, heartlex, and it screams out from your posts that it's exactly what you're doing ... "I'm confident they're not in touch", "I know (it not being physical during pregnancy) is true" and so on

This is why I mentioned it's the enduring doubt which does the damage to your mental health, and that's still to come if you stay with someone who'll certainly do it again. Best to be prepared as far as you can for when it happens, because comments about "last chances" mean precisely nothing to a man like this when you've already forgiven twice

I also winced at her still "wanting them to be together"; he really must feel like a dog with two dicks with two women so inexplicably desperate to have him - and that's if there aren't any more waiting in the wings

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He doesn’t have a way of contacting her at the mo but these are early days.

I do think you need to be a bit less naive about this OP. He could set up a new email address / social media account and contact her really easily.

We talked about what to do if she got in touch again last night and he said she wouldn’t after he admitted to lying & dumping her like that.

So did you agree what he would do if she got in touch again? Or did he just say she wouldn't?

He’s not the tech or social media type. He has Facebook but we share an iPad and I have my own laptop for work. He doesn’t work with computers so his phone is his only access to her.

He said he would tell me if she does & not respond.

Good luck with all of this as you will need it . My experience of this is that affairs take a long time to end - it can be as little as keeping in touch to see that each other is OK . After all he is grieving the loss of a relationship too . ""Just Good Friends" book is very clear to point this out . I've been through what you describe - him making declarations , sobbing , he had lost his way etc but it continued by phone contact with another phone ( although thankfully not declaring his love for her and saying he was heartbroken) ! He is now my ex needless to say after stuttering on for a couple of years . I would hate my life to be this wondering all the time , no trust . You are making so many assumptions in your posts about eg the OW when you really have no idea of what her ( or his ) intentions are .

@MrsDukeOfHastings, I’ve been thinking about love and pain SO MUCH for months. How could this man who I’ve loved, love and loves me & our child cause this much pain for himself? I originally went down a route of blaming it all on the OW but it’s him. He’s been so toxic. I hope therapy will straighten him out. I just can’t pin point when he became this person. It’s just so unbelievable he would do this.

Oh I really feel for you OP as I have and am still somewhat in the position you are in now but I am giving you this from a male perspective. I did exactly what you are doing and I decided that I would fight for my marriage, I said to myself that being together for over 20 years deserved at least to give it a shot and I can tell you its been absolute hell. There has been a LOT of back and forth and the situation just got a whole lot more hurtful and and is just a mess. I tried to support my wife as she 'grieved' her loss (its sick right?!) as she told me that he said he loved her and she was giving that up for me (like I should be grateful) and she showed me messages ending it.

A few weeks later I found out that the messages had started back up behind my back and they had been together and a like a complete chump I when my wife asked for forgiveness I gave it to her, and decided that I would give it another go. Someone said above when is enough actually enough and I have found that being in a vulnerable and emotional position (where you are now) you will accept things that in any other circumstance that you wouldn't even dream of. Surprisingly it can take a while for the anger to set in because you focus on what you think you don't want to use.

Please believe me I know how hard this is and people on here don't know you, they don't know him or your relationship and perhaps you feel your relationship is different from others and is worth saving, I certainly did and the choice to do that is yours but neither road is easy. However that said please understand that in these situations the theme becomes very common and most tend to play out the same way like some sort of rehearsal.

Based on my experience I feel two things tend to happen and that is they will stay for a short period of time to ease their guilt and then the other person will slowly creep back in and second is that it seems once they have someone else in their head its very very very hard to either let that go or concentrate on anything else. To me it feels that the game is rigged. So here I am now my wife has decided to end our marriage and give it a shot with OM. Thats despite me running around like a headless chicken doing everything I could to prevent that, despite her jumping back and forth multiple times, despite me moving out and moving back in. My point? it will become no matter what you do will become enough and all you will do is burn yourself out.

He’s not the tech or social media type. He has Facebook but we share an iPad and I have my own laptop for work. He doesn’t work with computers so his phone is his only access to her.

Presumably you didn't think he was the cheating type though either OP? And you share devices but he got away with doing it for ages before.

You don't need to be a techy type to set up a new email address / fb account / Twitter account.

I appreciate you are still in shock but I think you're very naive in your approach. You sound absolutely lovely and I worry that's being taken advantage of.

He had a chance to not fuck up again or he would lose you. He chose to do it again and that consequence hasn't happened - you've told him you want to stay together after all. That's your choice of course, but it means he now doesn't think you'll leave whatever he does.

That's not to say he'll actively seek out doing this again, but he sounds weak and selfish in the moment which means if she seeks him out or he meets someone else who pushes his buttons the way she did, he's unlikely to be strong enough and decent enough to prioritise your marriage in the moment.

He's not the man you thought you married, because you didn't think he would cheat and he did. Not just once but repeatedly and after being given an ultimatum.

You need to decide if you want to be married to a man who has done what he has done. It sounds like you do right now but please be conscious it's unlikely to end well.

@feeficken

Oh I really feel for you OP as I have and am still somewhat in the position you are in now but I am giving you this from a male perspective. I did exactly what you are doing and I decided that I would fight for my marriage, I said to myself that being together for over 20 years deserved at least to give it a shot and I can tell you its been absolute hell. There has been a LOT of back and forth and the situation just got a whole lot more hurtful and and is just a mess. I tried to support my wife as she 'grieved' her loss (its sick right?!) as she told me that he said he loved her and she was giving that up for me (like I should be grateful) and she showed me messages ending it.

A few weeks later I found out that the messages had started back up behind my back and they had been together and a like a complete chump I when my wife asked for forgiveness I gave it to her, and decided that I would give it another go. Someone said above when is enough actually enough and I have found that being in a vulnerable and emotional position (where you are now) you will accept things that in any other circumstance that you wouldn't even dream of. Surprisingly it can take a while for the anger to set in because you focus on what you think you don't want to use.

Please believe me I know how hard this is and people on here don't know you, they don't know him or your relationship and perhaps you feel your relationship is different from others and is worth saving, I certainly did and the choice to do that is yours but neither road is easy. However that said please understand that in these situations the theme becomes very common and most tend to play out the same way like some sort of rehearsal.

Based on my experience I feel two things tend to happen and that is they will stay for a short period of time to ease their guilt and then the other person will slowly creep back in and second is that it seems once they have someone else in their head its very very very hard to either let that go or concentrate on anything else. To me it feels that the game is rigged. So here I am now my wife has decided to end our marriage and give it a shot with OM. Thats despite me running around like a headless chicken doing everything I could to prevent that, despite her jumping back and forth multiple times, despite me moving out and moving back in. My point? it will become no matter what you do will become enough and all you will do is burn yourself out.

Oh god, thanks for telling your story. Did you have good and bad days during this period? I find we can go a day or two (since the original uncovering) completely fine and normal and then WHAM I’ll be hit with sadness or questions that I need answering immediately.

And did she end it with the OM to give it a fair go or do you think he was always waiting in the wings?

I also keep having the worst dreams. I’m at their wedding for example. Barf.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I’m not being naive it’s just that he literally doesn’t have a way of contacting her and he said it’s a relief that it’s taken out of his hands. I have his phone - I feel like his PA . He’s never been a screen type apart from his phone so hasn’t used the iPad either. He’s always building things or doing something manual.

The fact that he's said it's a relief it's taken out of his hands suggests to me that he's been experiencing the addiction of limerence.
Have you broached this subject at all, OP? Have you and he talked about limerence compared to love?

I’m not being naive it’s just that he literally doesn’t have a way of contacting her and he said it’s a relief that it’s taken out of his hands. I have his phone - I feel like his PA hmm. He’s never been a screen type apart from his phone so hasn’t used the iPad either. He’s always building things or doing something manual

@heartlex

Sorry but I think you are being naive. He can easily go and get a pay as you go phone. When he goes to work he will be able to contact her by phone, how will you stop that? The fact you have his current phone is immaterial

@heartlex

Yes there where some good and bad days although more of the good days where in the first few weeks and then as time went on it started to feel hopeless, I felt as though I was carrying all the weight.

I honestly don't think she ever wanted to give it a fair go, I think we got to a point where she knew he was waiting and that I had also been waiting and so in the end it doesn't matter much to her as she could have it either way. I do think a the times she came back was just to ease her guilt and to tick the box to say she tried (to save face).

Yes the dreams are awful, I remember one in particular and this is when we where back together, I woke up I literally had tears streaming down my face.

Lets say he is grieving for this other relationship he is not going to have much room for your feelings and to give you what you need immediately and trust me that is going to be hard. At times your going to think WTF I just need a cuddle or an "How are you?" but for the time being your not going to get that and thats hard.

@WatieKatie

You’re very defensive of how he’s trying OP. You sound absolutely lovely and a wonderful wife, I’m sad he’s done this to you, not once but twice.

Aside from trying for the sake of the family unit, what’s in it for you? How do your parents and in laws feel about his actions?

WatieKatie

You’re very defensive of how he’s trying OP.

That's called being in denial.

[quote heartlex]@youvegottenminuteslynn I’m not being naive it’s just that he literally doesn’t have a way of contacting her and he said it’s a relief that it’s taken out of his hands. I have his phone - I feel like his PA . He’s never been a screen type apart from his phone so hasn’t used the iPad either. He’s always building things or doing something manual.[/quote]
On the contrary you're being incredibly naive. Having his phone doesn't stop him from buying a secret phone to contact her on.

@Phoenix121

The fact that he's said it's a relief it's taken out of his hands suggests to me that he's been experiencing the addiction of limerence. Have you broached this subject at all, OP? Have you and he talked about limerence compared to love?

Yes, when it first came out. He talked about her and the affair like an addiction so I mentioned limerence. I’d love for it not to be real love but I’m not sure as it flips from physical and emotional (it was non physical for the last year) for months at a time & no contact. Would limerence sustain that 6 months of no contact?

And I guess either way they both take time to work through?

[quote feeficken]@heartlex

Yes there where some good and bad days although more of the good days where in the first few weeks and then as time went on it started to feel hopeless, I felt as though I was carrying all the weight.

I honestly don't think she ever wanted to give it a fair go, I think we got to a point where she knew he was waiting and that I had also been waiting and so in the end it doesn't matter much to her as she could have it either way. I do think a the times she came back was just to ease her guilt and to tick the box to say she tried (to save face).

Yes the dreams are awful, I remember one in particular and this is when we where back together, I woke up I literally had tears streaming down my face.

Lets say he is grieving for this other relationship he is not going to have much room for your feelings and to give you what you need immediately and trust me that is going to be hard. At times your going to think WTF I just need a cuddle or an "How are you?" but for the time being your not going to get that and thats hard.[/quote]
This is so true. He doesn’t ask how I am I think he’s worried about my reply so he asks if I need anything instead. I’m finding this really hard but I hope we’re at the peak of the pain.

@Chloemol

I’m not being naive it’s just that he literally doesn’t have a way of contacting her and he said it’s a relief that it’s taken out of his hands. I have his phone - I feel like his PA hmm. He’s never been a screen type apart from his phone so hasn’t used the iPad either. He’s always building things or doing something manual

@heartlex

Sorry but I think you are being naive. He can easily go and get a pay as you go phone. When he goes to work he will be able to contact her by phone, how will you stop that? The fact you have his current phone is immaterial

He works from home.

If he wanted to be with her he could be. The door is unlocked.

Just tread VERY carefully because this can become even more of a mess very quickly, causing more pain to all of those involved. As I said I feel once there is someone else in their head thats it and its very hard to turn that around. Believe me I tried for a year and I trust me I tried everything only to loose in the end, I stuffed my feelings and a lot happened during that year and I accepted A LOT of shit. Now here I am now almost a year later living in an in house separation waiting for her to move out while she is dating OM.