Post Affair

[heartlex]

Hi, I caught my husband’s affair at New Years. He said it was over & was over her. We decided to stay together mostly for the sake of our baby & move forward.

Fast forward a few months and I had that sick feeling again. Sure enough he had messaged her and they had even met up. I totally broke down & lost it. He said he is dedicated to us staying together & messaged the other woman in front of me. Told her he loved me and our daughter & he wants to work on our marriage. She replied first demanding they talked and he said no. Eventually she wished him the best and asked him not to contact her again.

I know a lot of people will say leave but I want it to work out. Him messaging her that has made me feel a bit better but does anyone have any experience with affair relapsing after something like this?

So what are you hoping for that this affair comes naturally to an end and you can resume service of being his primary partner, because no I'm afraid he hasn't finished with her yet.

I understand you are scared in the pit of your stomach, it hurts like hell the fear of the unknown but really you are coping with him being in love with someone else and watching this play out in real time in front of your eyes.
You are stronger than you give yourself credit for, you will detest this man eventually most likely hate him and be repulsed by him, at the moment you don't want to loose him to her.
Let him go, he really is a useless man to you in every sense.

If only you could see how much more you deserve, he has controlled you into thinking he is worth something.

This man is capable of massive deception and is a very bad bet.

His devaluation and betrayal of you and baby DD goes deep. He was happy to make a fool of you for 2 years while leading his double life, robbing you of your consent/choice and potentially exposing you to diseases that could have harmed your baby. You gave him 2 chances, but he threw them back in your face to prioritize OW.

Even after all that, he has suffered no consequences. He is sure to go further underground with OW when the coast is clear. As a practiced liar, he will be manipulating both you and the counseling sessions as long as it serves his purposes.

Heartlex, I empathize with your feelings of fear and uncertainty. You and your daughter deserve an emotionally safe home, but this man will never provide that.

Cheat on me once, shame on you. Cheat on me twice, shame on me !. It’s her this time but It’ll be somebody else next time. And the time after that.

I witnessed my husband 'ending it' via text after I discovered his affair. We carried on and I tried to ignore the feelings of panic, anxiety and jealousy. Five years later I uncovered it all again... it never had stopped. We then had the added complication of separating a family with children far older, who took it so much harder. Get out now. He won't change

It's clear you are not ready to leave yet and that's fair enough.

However please do not hang onto the 'I've got his phone' as any kind of comfort. It is easy to buy a new phone and stash it somewhere.

They have known each other since uni, it can't be easily erased. She'll never really be gone.

Get him to talk about his 'loss' and how he would feel about losing you. Crying idiot.

I think if you’re not in a place where you want to end things that’s your choice and you have a right to make that choice. How old is your little one now? The first few months with a baby are so intense, let alone dealing with discovering a long-term affair as well. I’m not at all surprised you want to keep the family together, it’s a pretty big step to split up when you are also parenting a baby.

I also think that so much is about motherhood in the first few months because babies are so consuming that it’s no wonder you underreacted and forgave him so fast and that you are willing to forgive again.

However, as time goes on and the ‘baby fog’ for want of a better phrase starts to lift id not be surprised if you find yourself absolutely furious and aghast at all this in a way that right now you maybe don’t. Having to basically force him to break up with her in front of you after a two year affair which went on throughout what should have been such a special time for you both as new parents, accepting that he was prepared to lie to you again and likely would have carried on if not caught again. Knowing you were put last on the pile so he could carry out his affair while you were carrying, birthing and mothering his baby?

I don’t think the full weight of that betrayal has hit you yet. So i don’t want to discourage you from trying again one last time as you have chosen to do so. But you may want to do some counselling on your own over the next few months.

Things may look a lot different in a year or so even if he now remains faithful and never speaks to her again.

My relationship survived an affair. I have the trust back, feel no need to check his phone and I am confident he would never do it again. It was a long process though. I have had to admit to myself that one of the reasons I can be so confident about him is that he absolutely hates the OW now. She hurt him when it all came out and he could never forgive her. She also moved away from the area which makes life easier.

I'm not saying we wouldn't have recovered if those two things hadn't happened but I have to acknowledge they help my security. I also know he would never do it again because he realises what he almost lost and we have thoroughly investigated the reasons it happened in the first place. It took about 3 years for me to get to this point and it took a lot of hard work. So it can happen but you have to be prepared to walk away if they aren't 100% committed. You both have to be prepared to give it your all and admit defeat if you can't.

You seem to be forgetting the basic fact here. HE CHEATED ON YOU!

Can you live with the uncertainty? If yes, carry on and try, if no, ask him to leave. He had his chance (something many cheaters don't get) and he did it again.

How can you even think about staying with someone who doesn't love you but loves someone else?

@FranklyADick

My relationship survived an affair. I have the trust back, feel no need to check his phone and I am confident he would never do it again. It was a long process though. I have had to admit to myself that one of the reasons I can be so confident about him is that he absolutely hates the OW now. She hurt him when it all came out and he could never forgive her. She also moved away from the area which makes life easier.

I'm not saying we wouldn't have recovered if those two things hadn't happened but I have to acknowledge they help my security. I also know he would never do it again because he realises what he almost lost and we have thoroughly investigated the reasons it happened in the first place. It took about 3 years for me to get to this point and it took a lot of hard work. So it can happen but you have to be prepared to walk away if they aren't 100% committed. You both have to be prepared to give it your all and admit defeat if you can't.

Thanks for your insight. He does seem 100% committed to making this work. We’re in marriage counselling and also having individual therapy too. I really want this to work.

Where is your line OP? How much more does he need to do in order for you to say enough.

If he calls her? Texts her? Meets her? How long will you tolerate him crying over her?

He is a lier who is in love with another woman, yet you think this is the relationship you should be bringing your child up in.

He is staying with you for the sake of appearances. He does not love, respect or care for you. Please don't accept the crumbs from his table as enough for you and your child. He can still be a good father, he is obviously not a good partner.

@thinkIamdone

How can you even think about staying with someone who doesn't love you but loves someone else?

I think he loves us both.

Having seen your update that there is no passion in your marriage but you are compatible, I think you need to accept that if your marriage survives it will have to be an open one.

In all honesty, it sounds like he is staying for the baby not you. This is not some random office colleague he's shagging. Its a long-standing friend. He has compatibility AND passion with her.

And you can't make decisions on whether he it will work out based on other people's stories. Your story has so many elements that make it such an out-of-the-ordinary betrayal. This isn't a middle aged marriage gone stale and the affair makes you realise how much you value each other. Those marriages might survive. You were pregnant with his child. In healthy marriages that is the time that you are most devoted to each other, most in love. He betrayed you then.
Then did it again. And he's in love with her. He only ended it as he was put on the pressured spot when you found out. And its a relationship with someone he has a longstanding relationship with and genuinely likes as a person, is deeply emotionally intertwined with and clearly really fancies sexually. I've never heard of an affair like that where the marriage survived (and I've read a lot of accounts). That is nowhere near the accounts I have heard where marriages survive infidelity.

Sorry OP. You sound like you are grieving the loss of the family life that you wanted to have. Which is understandable, you have a new baby - you should be starting that phase in your life. I went through that grief too when I realised my H was not the man I thought he was after our first was born (not infidelity related) I spent so long trying to make things work out, trying to help him to deal with his issues. I didn't want to let go of how things had been, we were very compatible too - really got along - he was my favourite person to spend time with by far. But I was holding on to mist. It didn't matter how much I wanted him to be the person I had believed him to be all those years, the fact is he just wasn't. I got the tears, the utter distress from him too, the 'I love you, give me one more chance, one more chance, I'll change.' too. He was utterly desperate to maintain our family life too.
Me and the kids were absolutely the most important thing in his life. But he didn't change, of course he didn't. And there is nothing really in you H's account to give any hope he will change either. Give it time to process but if you stay go into eyes open that the deck is really stacked against you on this one.

@PriestessofPing You might be right. I keep writing out what he’s done in my journal and repeating it in therapy because it still doesn’t seem real. Sometimes I wish I would get so angry I kick him out but I’m a very rational person. On paper staying together and seeing if we can salvage this feels like the right way to go.

@thisoldlife Yes, I’m grieving and have been since I suspected which was last summer. I knew something was off for a long time but kept my head in the sand. I might still be in some kind of denial over the extent of his behaviour.

If he’s to be believed it hasn’t been physical since pre pregnancy

You must realise this isn’t true?

I wish you well OP but I think to rebuild your marriage you need to have honesty as a starting point. He is still lying to you.

But - hasn't this therapy been carried out against a backdrop of his continuing infidelity, betrayal and lies? How useful is it, really?

His behaviour has shown that he is not dedicated, committed or even respects you.
You choose to forgive that and that is your choice.
It is likely he will cheat again so best advice is be prepared.

He's crying for himself. The "state of him" was likely due to realising that the consequences of his actions are nowhere near as fun as the deeds. Divorce, splitting of assets, him moving out, visitation, child maintenance, everyone knowing he's a scumbag......

You're smacking his hand and telling him he's a naughty boy when you should be telling him to get the fuck out of your house and to go and lie in the bed he's made himself.

I speak from very bitter experience. He will not change. You will. Into someone who doesn't remember how to value themselves and someone who swallows down pain like it's second nature. And it will take years to undo that damage when he leaves you for the one he thinks offers him something better. Or when he's privately got all his ducks in a row in order to screw you over.

I know you don't want to hear it, but you're married to him and have his baby and that was not enough to stop him diving into some cheap thrills. Twice that you know of. It will never be enough. He will never be a good husband to you. He will always put himself above you and your child.

Get rid of him.

Honestly, you've shown him twice that he doesn't actually lose anything when he's caught cheating.
He'll do it again. And no, he's not a good father Why do women lie to themselves like that? Would a good father wilfully deceive, gaslight and abuse the mother of his child? Because that's what he's done/doing to you.
The only guarantee in this seems to be that this shameful excuse of a man will continue on without consequences while you pick up the pieces and become increasingly hurt and powerless each time.
Is that the sort of relationship you want to model for your child?
Do you want a son growing up thinking it's an acceptable way to treat a partner?
Do you want a daughter growing up thinking it's ok to be treated like that herself?
Because that's what message this thread is giving. You're clutching at straws to make this vile behaviour acceptable.

Sorry if that's harsh but I'm honestly unable to fathom why someone would purposely keep a child in such an awful environment.

He is crying crocodile tears. They never change OP. You said he even told her you had separated, so he’s lied and played you both and you still want this man to be in your life after the lies and deceit. You’d be better of without him!

You are familiar
He loves her

Let him go, because he will do this again.

In the nicest possible way op, this won't be the end of it. If not her, it'll be someone else's now he knows how easily you forgive him. He'll just be more careful you don't find out next time. A man willing to do this to his wife and new baby, is a man willing to do this at any point, he's a scumbag, and you deserve far far better. I hope you find the courage and strength to move forward without him, and if wanted, you find someone that treats you with respect and dignity.

"I think he loves us both"

Oh you poor deluded thing. This is going to be even harder for you when you realise he's just settled for second best until he can find away of seeing her again.