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Original poster

Post Affair

292 replies

heartlex · 02/05/2021 16:16

Hi, I caught my husband’s affair at New Years. He said it was over & was over her. We decided to stay together mostly for the sake of our baby & move forward.

Fast forward a few months and I had that sick feeling again. Sure enough he had messaged her and they had even met up. I totally broke down & lost it. He said he is dedicated to us staying together & messaged the other woman in front of me. Told her he loved me and our daughter & he wants to work on our marriage. She replied first demanding they talked and he said no. Eventually she wished him the best and asked him not to contact her again.

I know a lot of people will say leave but I want it to work out. Him messaging her that has made me feel a bit better but does anyone have any experience with affair relapsing after something like this?

OP posts:
Completelyfrozen · 03/05/2021 13:04

I notice you haven't mentioned his infidelity to either yours or his parents.
Did you tell them last time and if you did, what was their reaction?
What do you think their reaction to learning this news will be?

MrsMaizel · 03/05/2021 13:11

I’m finding this really hard but I hope we’re at the peak of the pain

I am sorry for your situation but sadly you are being way too optimistic at this stage .

As for glad that someone has taken it out of his hands ? 😬 OMG that's not much of a determined attitude , is it ?

Original poster
heartlex · 03/05/2021 13:20

@Completelyfrozen

I notice you haven't mentioned his infidelity to either yours or his parents. Did you tell them last time and if you did, what was their reaction? What do you think their reaction to learning this news will be?
No, neither of us have that type of relationship with our parents where we’d talk about this type of thing. Of course if we separate I’d tell them straight away.
OP posts:
musingloud · 03/05/2021 13:21

As for glad that someone has taken it out of his hands ? 😬 OMG that's not much of a determined attitude , is it ?

I agree - makes him sound like he still sees himself as a hapless victim of circumstance rather than an active agent in his betrayal of you (and her). Which means he is prime to getting swept up, helplessly, in the tides of fortune.

thenewduchessofhastings · 03/05/2021 13:55

The problem with an affair is that it's immediately over right now but it'll gnaw at your relationship and at you for a very very long time.

The trust is gone,you'll always wonder why and drive yourself to distraction with pondering on the details of the affair.You'll worry about it happening again with her or other people.Everytime you feel he's being abit too nice to a woman you'll feel uncomfortable because he's crossed the line before.

It'll rear its ugly head in future arguments and resentment starts to set in

We hear so often on here that women have initially forgiven their DH for an affair but as time has progressed they find they can't get passed what's happened.

ElspethFlashman · 03/05/2021 14:04

Someone else upthread mentioned it, but this may be a case of just plain sexual incompatibility.

You say there's no passion in your relationship and never really has been. Obviously you conceived a child, but I'm presuming from his affair that he is the one with the higher libido.

Even though he (supposedly) hasn't had sex with her for a year, clearly it was circumstantial since she moved away just before a pandemic and he still got that sexy buzz from her texts "I can't believe it's been a year!" etc.

So he felt wanted and desired and sexy and that's not going to just disappear.

That incompatibility is the ticking time bomb. It will be what drives him back to her, to get that buzz.

And why should you be something you're not? You shouldn't. But may feel under pressure now - to be a mistress in the bedroom in other words. You wouldn't be the first. It's called hysterical bonding. But it doesn't last. It deflates like a balloon, because fundamental sexual incompatibility can't be disguised for long.

80sPadme · 03/05/2021 14:28

@heartlex

Thanks *@80sPadme*. When did you decide enough was enough?
I sort of knew after he ditched the OW (she didn't know he was married) after saying 'FYI I am married, the wife found out and it's over now' Then after I realised it wasn't really over I ended it for good.
Original poster
heartlex · 03/05/2021 14:51

@ElspethFlashman I didn’t think we were sexually incompatible until this but reading their messages (I know I shouldn’t have), it doesn’t even sound like the man I married. It’s pretty extreme stuff.

I’ve never been a very sexual person tbh but that didn’t bother him because he proposed after years together.

OP posts:
Original poster
heartlex · 03/05/2021 14:54

@musingloud

As for glad that someone has taken it out of his hands ? 😬 OMG that's not much of a determined attitude , is it ?

I agree - makes him sound like he still sees himself as a hapless victim of circumstance rather than an active agent in his betrayal of you (and her). Which means he is prime to getting swept up, helplessly, in the tides of fortune.

Agreed. He’s been a really weak man & at times you’d think he was the victim. He says the right things & is present physically but he looks like a starving puppy.
OP posts:
workshy44 · 03/05/2021 15:04

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ElspethFlashman · 03/05/2021 15:16

So you've found out his kinks.

Maybe they were always there but repressed (as he knew who he married) and with her he had an outlet.

The problem is that he's opened that door now, and im not confident he would close it for long.

At the very least, you should expect a porn component as a substitute. Whether that will stay enough of a substitute.....who can say.

I do think it's a major incompatibility between you now.

Original poster
heartlex · 03/05/2021 15:32

I agree. I’m not sure if there’s a solution for that.

OP posts:
Phoenix121 · 03/05/2021 15:42

I think that sometimes the kinks can remain quite happily in imagination, but that when someone comes along who pushes the boundaries, these kinks can play out for real. For most people, continually having these kinks play out can be exhausting, certainly not sustainable; there are times when you just want sex without the kinks.
The trouble with having a bit on the side who provides the outlet for these kinks is that it makes the AP even more of an addiction. Because the AP is associated with something really nice, naughty, that is like a treat now and again.
There are some weird dynamics at play that most people don't even consider when talking about affairs, unless you've personally experienced it, of course.
A lot of kinks are related to power. An OW who gets off on telling your husband to take a photo of his wife while he's sitting right next to her, and then send it to her. That's not about sex - although they can dress it up as one of their little sex-games. That's about power.
Obviously not asking you to reveal what kinks your husband has displayed, but it might be worth you considering them in connection with power, rather than in connection with sexual preferences, OP.

musingloud · 03/05/2021 16:30

I didn’t think we were sexually incompatible until this but reading their messages (I know I shouldn’t have)

There is absolutely no reason why you should not have read those messages. You really don't owe him privacy in his sexting with his mistress! Don't feel guilty about that or indeed anything at all!

Hawkins001 · 03/05/2021 16:35

The reality is all the best trying to repair things but could you ever trust your dh 100% ?

AnyFucker · 03/05/2021 17:50

And now do you feel forced to supply him with his “kinks” so he doesn’t cheat again ?

An extreme form of the Pick Me Dance will wreck your self respect. Hysterical bonding is a temporary salve but ultimately not sustainable if these “kinks” are important to him and they had never even been revealed to you. Chump lady will explain all this to you.

Original poster
heartlex · 03/05/2021 18:28

@AnyFucker

And now do you feel forced to supply him with his “kinks” so he doesn’t cheat again ?

An extreme form of the Pick Me Dance will wreck your self respect. Hysterical bonding is a temporary salve but ultimately not sustainable if these “kinks” are important to him and they had never even been revealed to you. Chump lady will explain all this to you.

I’m not doing the things he now seems to love now but didn’t 2 years ago... but there is a pressure to have sex more. But we haven’t since the affair was outed.

He doesn’t know what I’ve read but I did make a snide comment about one particular act. He did not like that one bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
heartlex · 03/05/2021 18:28

@Hawkins001

The reality is all the best trying to repair things but could you ever trust your dh 100% ?
I really don’t know. Sometimes yes, sometimes absolutely not.
OP posts:
Original poster
heartlex · 03/05/2021 18:30

@musingloud

I didn’t think we were sexually incompatible until this but reading their messages (I know I shouldn’t have)

There is absolutely no reason why you should not have read those messages. You really don't owe him privacy in his sexting with his mistress! Don't feel guilty about that or indeed anything at all!

Aaah I agree but I can’t stop thinking about them & wish I just didn’t know that stuff or see the photos & videos they shared.

It’s all deleted now but I know the conversations by heart annoyingly.

OP posts:
Cloudfrost · 03/05/2021 18:40

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Blackbird2020 · 03/05/2021 18:49

He’s relieved that you have his phone now?! He actually said this to you?!

Goodness, I didn’t know phones could be so detrimental to the success of one’s marriage.... Hmm Is there a particular brand we should be asking our husbands to avoid?

He sounds like he’s a master of making it ‘not his fault’. You will have more problems ahead of you, even if you somehow manage to forget this sorry episode in your life.

sammysnake · 03/05/2021 18:51

@heartlex I'm sorry this has happened to you. For what it's worth I think you should cut your losses and run. Imagine it was your own DC in your position in the future - what would you advise? It's a two year affair that he's resumed after being caught out on once already. Even worse, it carried on whilst you were pregnant. A good partner does not do that. He's weak willed at best and callous and selfish at worst. By all means join the gym and look after yourself because you absolutely should but don't do it for him, do it for yourself. In unvarnished terms, life's too short to waste with a shit like your DH. Change can be frightening but it could also be the best thing you'll ever do.

mummabubs · 03/05/2021 18:54

First thing that came into my head when you said he's relieved that you have his phone - what that says to me is if he still had his phone he'd be in touch with her. I think you are heavily in denial, but I also think that's a very understandable position for you at the moment as it's protecting you from feeling additional pain in what is already a really painful situation. In some ways I hope that soon turns to anger (maybe look up the five stages of grief model as I'd be fairly confident that's what you're experiencing). People don't necessarily go through the stages in a linear manner, not everyone goes through all five stages and you can go back and forth between them, but I think it's a helpful model to hold in mind). X

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/05/2021 19:00

I’m not doing the things he now seems to love but didn’t 2 years ago

Probably just as well; he's clearly thinking about her enough without you reminding him even more Hmm

Looking back to when you were intimate, how do you feel knowing you were being compared to his affair partner in bed?

Original poster
heartlex · 03/05/2021 19:11

@mummabubs

First thing that came into my head when you said he's relieved that you have his phone - what that says to me is if he still had his phone he'd be in touch with her. I think you are heavily in denial, but I also think that's a very understandable position for you at the moment as it's protecting you from feeling additional pain in what is already a really painful situation. In some ways I hope that soon turns to anger (maybe look up the five stages of grief model as I'd be fairly confident that's what you're experiencing). People don't necessarily go through the stages in a linear manner, not everyone goes through all five stages and you can go back and forth between them, but I think it's a helpful model to hold in mind). X
Thank you. I’ve spent a lot of time reading about grief these last few months & I’ve been tracking mine but affair part 2 has me in a tailspin. I write in my journal what stage I think I’m currently in and often it is denial so write out what he’s done in a very black and white way in bullet points to help process it all.

Before this happened to me I would have told any friend to pack their bags and leave immediately but it’s so different when it’s your decade long partner standing there. I might end up leaving or this might work out but for now I’m sticking & not making lifelong decisions.

Yes, I thought the phone comment was odd too. I think he thought it would make me feel better like the OW is unimportant.

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