Post Affair

[heartlex]

Hi, I caught my husband’s affair at New Years. He said it was over & was over her. We decided to stay together mostly for the sake of our baby & move forward.

Fast forward a few months and I had that sick feeling again. Sure enough he had messaged her and they had even met up. I totally broke down & lost it. He said he is dedicated to us staying together & messaged the other woman in front of me. Told her he loved me and our daughter & he wants to work on our marriage. She replied first demanding they talked and he said no. Eventually she wished him the best and asked him not to contact her again.

I know a lot of people will say leave but I want it to work out. Him messaging her that has made me feel a bit better but does anyone have any experience with affair relapsing after something like this?

You choice- to stay post affair, although much derided on MN is just a valid as leaving. However in many ways much harder.

I stayed post DH affair. As a pp has mentioned it requires hard work and commitment from both parties. Affairs do not happen when both parties have respect for each other. Of course people fall out of love and separate but they don't cheat. Above all it's disrespectful.

For us this was key. My DH did not have enough respect for me because I didn't have respect for me.
Rather than obsess about his AP I decided that Part of MY recovery was to develop a whole load more self respect. Stop seeing myself as this obsessed mother-martyr. Start having higher expectations as him as a father. Started recognising my own needs and expectations from life were AS important as the rest of the family. Developed firmer boundaries.

Changing my outlook changed his behaviour. He knew the 'new' me wouldn't give another chance. For him , knowing absolutely what he would lose made him stop. He didn't need another chance.

That was 21 years ago. It took a year or more. I don't regret it. We have had a very very happy marriage.

You cannot MAKE someone love you. You cannot live in a state of constant vigilance. It's the road to insanity. You can only change you and how people respond to you.

They all say they love both the wife and the whore. The problem is their definition of love isn’t the same as yours. Would you ever think to hurt someone you love the way he’s hurt you, twice?

It took me a long time to understand how he could claim to love me and my children alongside his main whore, the bottom line is he didn’t actually love anyone, and he did what he did because he didn’t care about anyone but himself. A good father and husband doesn’t risk blowing up his family. A good father and husband actually cares about his family and his love for them doesn’t even bring cheating into his thoughts as something to do.

Hi OP - sorry to hear you're going through all of this awful stress. I can't try to give you any hope, but I can emphasise because I've been in a similar situation.

I discovered my husband had been cheating last summer when an anniversary card came to my house for him! Turned out the card was from an older mistress and he had a newer one on the go as well - real shocker because the man was so dull I'd never have believed it of him! He admitted cheating for two years with two different women, but I suspect there's more - but to be honest it really doesn't matter now, I don't care. Once was once too often and would have destroyed our marriage. The fact he effectively destroyed it many times over and made a fool of me for years just puts the tin lid on it.

There was no point in attempting any counselling or trying to work on the marriage because he had pissed all over it - it simply wasn't worth my time and emotional energy. I told him to move out, which he did without any fuss.

We had a DC12 and had been together 16 years or so. The thing is that there was never any hope for the marriage once I found out because it showed me how my husband was a complete stranger, also that he was a duplicitous, spineless weasel of a man, who lied as easily as drawing breath. I would never have been able to trust him again and I wouldn't have forgiven him.

Why on earth would I want to fight to try stay with such a man? For me? No, I'm worth far, far more. For DC? Certainly not - they wouldn't be happy living in a house with such a bad atmosphere and emotional upset.

What I want to say is that you are worth far, far more. Your baby deserves much better. You can't stay in a doomed, upsetting relationship for the sake of your baby - at least if you do split while the baby is young they won't even remember a time when you lived together and living separately will just always have been normal.

I don't think it matters how much counselling you have, how much you put yourself through the wringer of emotional turmoil and stress, the upshot is simply that you can't trust this man, he's proven that you cannot and should not trust him. You might be able to push it all to the back of your mind and try to ignore it, but it will always be there niggling away at you - which wouldn't be good for your mental health. And if in years to come it bites you on the arse - he does it again, which is likely - you'll be wishing you hadn't wasted your life on this man.

It's a rotten situation, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But when people talk about "fighting for a marriage" and "making it work" I think, well, is it actually worth fighting for? Is it worth all the hard work and upset? It's your decision.

Just to say that less than a year later, my ex lives nearby and has DC alternate weekends, we're amicable, DC is happy and has adjusted well. I'm in a much better, happier place, with a newish boyfriend who has reminded me how easy, fun and mutually supportive a loving relationship should be. So please don't stay with your cheating husband because you're frightened of the future - wonderful things can and will happen for you, if you take control of your own future and don't allow yourself and your baby to be held as emotional hostages to your husband's extramarital whims and fancies.

@MintMatchmaker

If he’s to be believed it hasn’t been physical since pre pregnancy

You must realise this isn’t true?

I wish you well OP but I think to rebuild your marriage you need to have honesty as a starting point. He is still lying to you.

I know this bit is true but I give him no credit for that. She works for the NHS & moved further away. She also said it in one of the messages. Something like ‘I can’t believe it’s been a year!’.

@Kelly345

"I think he loves us both"

Oh you poor deluded thing. This is going to be even harder for you when you realise he's just settled for second best until he can find away of seeing her again.

He could be with her now if that was the case. I know she wants them to be together. I’ve seen those messages too.

In the nicest possible way, I think OP you are only responding to the posts that give you hope, as they have also stayed. Not the million others telling you he WILL do it again.

I get how hard it is I really do, but I wish I left the first time I found out, I gave it another try and even all this time later I still feel like a mug and in a way, I feel like he won't ever have respect for me because ill always be the one that stayed.

Maybe that bit is in my head and just me over thinking but you get what I mean. I still feel angry with myself for giving it another go.

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

But - hasn't this therapy been carried out against a backdrop of his continuing infidelity, betrayal and lies? How useful is it, really?

We’ve only had 2 marriage counselling sessions. He was seeing a therapist beforehand and I’ve just started seeing one.

OP... don’t be fooled. Many years ago now I was an OW; at first unwittingly, then I fell for the lies I wanted to believe and was waiting for him to end his marriage. He turned out to be an evil narc but that’s a whole other thread - we were set up as a PP said with an agreement that if it got discovered we’d play it out just as you described to make it more realistic. And he WAS so shaken up and shitting himself that he vomited. He ‘popped to the shops’ later on and rang for 30 seconds with the usual bullshit of ‘just a quick call to say I love you and will have to lie low for a bit’ so don’t be fooled. And dont be so naive to buy the act! Check jacket pots and the boot of his car for a second phone. Or a disguised messaging service like Kik. There are a myriad number of ways he could be in contact with her - ipad, laptop?

Gah - jacket pockets! Not potatoes!

Not many people on this thread have said they’ve made it out the other side but I know the majority of marriages do.

Are you high op? Do you even know what the divorce rate is? It's 40-50% . Do you think they divorced because they were happy? No. They divorced because they were UNHAPPY. You can't claim adultery in a divorce after a certain amount of time so people like you, that are desperately flogging a dead donkey, end up citing unreasonable behaviour years after the event when you have wasted the best part of your younger years AND traumatised a few kids by letting them witness the fall out.

He won't change. He's crying for her, and for him. Not for the pain he has caused you or your child. Not for the lies and the cheating and the illicit sex that put your health and your baby at huge risk.

Wake up.

Thanks @Frustratedbeyondbelief. I definitely don’t want to be his parent and monitor his activities. He gave me his phone as a gesture & we’ve talked about what would happen if the OW got in touch. I feel like we’re doing all the right things now but obviously it’s so raw.

@MrsDukeOfHastings

In the nicest possible way, I think OP you are only responding to the posts that give you hope, as they have also stayed. Not the million others telling you he WILL do it again.

I get how hard it is I really do, but I wish I left the first time I found out, I gave it another try and even all this time later I still feel like a mug and in a way, I feel like he won't ever have respect for me because ill always be the one that stayed.

Maybe that bit is in my head and just me over thinking but you get what I mean. I still feel angry with myself for giving it another go.

What is there to say to those posters? He might do it again but that’s not going to change my mind right now.

I might end up angry with myself too but I think I’d prefer that over guilt. I took my vows seriously even if he didn’t.

@Capricornandproud

OP... don’t be fooled. Many years ago now I was an OW; at first unwittingly, then I fell for the lies I wanted to believe and was waiting for him to end his marriage. He turned out to be an evil narc but that’s a whole other thread - we were set up as a PP said with an agreement that if it got discovered we’d play it out just as you described to make it more realistic. And he WAS so shaken up and shitting himself that he vomited. He ‘popped to the shops’ later on and rang for 30 seconds with the usual bullshit of ‘just a quick call to say I love you and will have to lie low for a bit’ so don’t be fooled. And dont be so naive to buy the act! Check jacket pots and the boot of his car for a second phone. Or a disguised messaging service like Kik. There are a myriad number of ways he could be in contact with her - ipad, laptop?

I really have considered this & I think this is what happened originally but I’m confident they are not in touch. Mostly because he is upset (which is really hurtful to witness) and we’ve spent every moment together since he ended it. A blessing and a curse.

OP, I’ve never admitted this on here because I’m so ashamed, but your pain made me comment.

I’ve been the OW. I was only 18 when I met him and he was mid 30s (not an excuse) but we were together for 4 years.

The wife found out at the very beginning but we carried on. Whenever she found out, he would call or text me with the whole “I love my wife, I want to be with her” spiel, and either he would call me as soon as he could to say he didn’t mean it but she was harassing him to do it, or within weeks he would get back in touch. So please don’t think him texting her in front of you means it’s truly over. If he wants to restart it, he will find a way.

What you do is your decision, but don’t base it on the “I’m ending it” claims!

@Kelly345

"I think he loves us both"

Oh you poor deluded thing. This is going to be even harder for you when you realise he's just settled for second best until he can find away of seeing her again.

It doesn't sound to me like he has 'settled for second best'. It sounds more like he has made a choice between the two women and has chosen to stay. Of course, if he had feelings for the OW, this choice will not have been easy for him, nor will it become easier any time soon. I am sure men like this take one day at a time. From what the OP has revealed, it sounds to me like he genuinely wants to stay and that he has realised that the only way forward is to sever contact with OW.

Thanks @NCAccount. He doesn’t have a way of contacting her at the mo but these are early days. I think first time round it ended for 6 months & then restarted. I’m just hoping this time it’s real.

Part of me thinks if he loved her then why doesn’t he just go? I know it’s what she wants.

Thanks @Phoenix121. He has said he’s determined to go cold turkey & cut all ties permanently. All the books say it’s the right route so I’m not sure what else I could demand at this point.

@heartlex

Thanks *@NCAccount*. He doesn’t have a way of contacting her at the mo but these are early days. I think first time round it ended for 6 months & then restarted. I’m just hoping this time it’s real.

Part of me thinks if he loved her then why doesn’t he just go? I know it’s what she wants.

With me, he eventually split with his wife about a year after I finally ended it and came to me saying they’ve split and we can be together now. By that point I finally realised he was scum.

But he stayed with her so long because of family and friends. They didn’t have children but he didn’t want to be the man who left his wife, so stayed until she finally ended it herself and could blame her for the split. His reputation meant a lot to him. Chances are if you end it, he will go running back.

I’m sure he does love you both OP— but life isn’t like that unless you are ok with that. I think you will drive yourself nuts by becoming hyper vigilant. I would set yourself a time frame- say a year and see how you feel— I would be surprised if you feel better about it and can truly get over it or if like many of us it simmers away under the surface and you keep on keeping on but don’t feel the same.

No experience but it’s your life your choice. If you feel it’s over and you trust him fair play to you. No one knows but you. You alone can decide if you’re living your best life right now.

You have to do what’s right for you of course, but the affair will always be there. My dad had an affair 25 years ago and every now and then my mum talks about it. It annoys me because if she’d left him she’d be over it and totally free of of those feelings now. Her choice was to stay and it never goes away.

@NCAccount I daydream about that too. Kicking him out and he just drives to hers. We talked about what to do if she got in touch again last night and he said she wouldn’t after he admitted to lying & dumping her like that. I hope that is the case & she moves on. Partly because it will help put my mind a rest but I can’t lie, I’d like him to know she moved on quickly and it was all a mistake.

@Ihatesalad

I’m sure he does love you both OP— but life isn’t like that unless you are ok with that. I think you will drive yourself nuts by becoming hyper vigilant. I would set yourself a time frame- say a year and see how you feel— I would be surprised if you feel better about it and can truly get over it or if like many of us it simmers away under the surface and you keep on keeping on but don’t feel the same.

Thanks. I agree. I’ll go nuts if I let these feelings linger so I’m giving it until Xmas in my head. If he continues as he is I think we’ll make it but if he shows any signs of declining we have to separate.

You’re very defensive of how he’s trying OP. You sound absolutely lovely and a wonderful wife, I’m sad he’s done this to you, not once but twice.

Aside from trying for the sake of the family unit, what’s in it for you? How do your parents and in laws feel about his actions?