Got a message from 'the wife'

[HoldThatThoughtNow]

I've read about these on here before. Never thought I'd end up in this situation...

Been seeing a guy from old for about a month. Nothing crazy. Mostly walks and now a few meals outside.

I saw him this week and he said it was complicated. His wife still had a room in the house. But she has another place to stay with their daughter. Their daughter has autism. I don't know the details but that she finds change stressful and so they've been keeping the status quo for her sake.

Of course he said they're not sleeping together etc. It's been years.

Today I get a text from his phone from his wife. Saying they're together. That they had sex last night. She's not angry with me but I need to know he'll drop me and move on, he does this a lot etc.

This doesn't tally with stuff he's shown me about her. I don't want to go into details as it's way too obvious but he's shown me stuff that she's done which is off the scale crazy ex.

She's given me her number to call.

Wtf? I feel like I've wandered into an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

Even if the wife is lying. Move on- too much drama too soon.

@ AntiqueAnnies
Christ, give the OP a break. She didn't know and now she does.
It's difficult to "get back out there" when things have been shit. Everyone makes mistakes, it's about what happens next. Which is why she came here looking for a bit of support.

@OP. Give yourself a couple of days and don't answer texts or calls from either of them.
Think about what you want. Attention is nice but do you really want/need this crap. Personally I would message her but please don't get into a row. You are better than that. He is not and you definitely deserve someone who is. 🍷💐

Bloody hell ,1 month in and look at all this drama . Who needs this shit ?
You may have liked him , but hey ho you’ll find others you like too , unless you like the idea of a future filled with more of the same . Either he’s a straight up liar and his wife is acting unhinged because he’s driven her to it, or he’s telling you the truth and his wife is just bat shit crazy . Either way she dint sound like she’s going anywhere any time soon . Cut your loses , it’s only been a month

Well, if they have a severely autistic daughter who can't cope with change and he wants to sell the house so he can 'move on' I am not surprised the wife lost it. Sounds like she is thinking she is going to have to cope with emotional and behavioural issues that will result from her daughter (don't underestimate what this can mean, especially from an adult) because he wants to 'move on'. Is the wife the primary carer?

Personally, I am inclined to believe the wife here!

And you don't get to 'move on' if you are the carer of an adult with severe disability. So I am sure him talking of 'moving on' when the wife presumably knows that is not an option for her, was just sent her over the top.

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time OP, I don't think you've said or done anything to deserve some of the responses you've been getting.

One of them is obviously lying and it's impossible to know which one.

Even if he is is telling the truth and thinks he wants to move on and is free to date, his situation sounds very complicated and that complication will remain for quite some time. He comes with far too much drama and problems - it's a world away from the "safe and sane" you are looking for. If he is authentic, it sounds like he needs another 6 months to sort his life out before being in a position to date without any hassles and even then, I wouldn't be too sure. Whatever the circumstances really are, his "wife" clearly isn't ready for him to move on and will only continue to cause stress and problems.

I agree with those who have said that sharing so much about his problems with you after just a month should raise alarm bells, but only you know the context in which it was shared, but I know I would definitely be put off by it.

I would chalk this one up to experience and keep looking for someone with less complications who is more able to give you what you're looking for.

OP, sorry everyone is giving you such a hard time on here. You haven’t done anything wrong! Anyone we date might actually be married - how can we know? It’s normal to believe what we are told. It’s not abnormal for married people to start dating before they are technically divorced. My boyfriend is still married - he’s never denied it. So was my most recent ex, throughout our two year relationship. But I am as sure as it is humanly possible to be that both were/are separated from their spouses.....

50 or so years ago, my mom was a similar situation to you. Started a relationship with my dad - he (said he) considered his marriage dead in the water - his then wife clearly didn’t, as her later actions against my mom proved. My mom decided he was worth the stress and persevered. I’m glad she did, otherwise a) I wouldn’t exist, and b) they wouldn’t have had all these decades of a (mostly) happy marriage.

Only you can decide if this man is worth the hassle to you..... It won’t be easy, I wouldn’t expect, from what you have said.

If I'm honest, I think there is probably a reason his wife is so annoyed and I question why he needed to tell you about any of this, why is it important that you know she's 'firey' and that she (allegedly) damaged his car? It's been a month, that's his business. To me that smacks of distancing you from her. He plants the seed that she's 'crazy' and can behave unpredictably, you in turn are less likely to question his version of events.

You are spot on IME.

My DC's father did the same.

Come to think of it, when we first met he told me his last ex was 'crazy' and an alcoholic. She was neither.

He then told the OW I was mentally unstable.

That's always a huge red flag "the ex is crazy/mad/aggressive"

Regardless of who’s right and who’s wrong. Your a month in this should be the honeymoon period and you’ve got his wife be that Ed or not ringing and texting. Him saying his cars been smashed in. Etc.

Is it worth it. Honestly. And sounds harsh but his also got a adult daughter who needs things to stay the same as an added bonus to how much drama this is going to bring to you.

It’s far to hard just drop him.

@HoldThatThoughtNow

I think you are getting a lot of unfair flack because MN gets quite annoyed at anything that isn’t by the book clean. Divorce and only then, after some time, are you allowed a possibility of human connection.
And real life is a lot more messier than that.
So - who knows what his real situation is.

The only thing you do know how that his situation is objectively complicated. Red flags or not - it won’t be easy for a while. And only you can decide whether you want to go there.
It may be that the connection you have is worth it. But it’ll require thick skin and patience. Most people won’t be able to deal with it.

If you do decide to run away - I’d at least tell him what happened. If there is a chance that he is a decent guy in a messy situation - it’s better that he knows what his ex is doing, so that he can sort his life sooner rather than later.

OP, one question you don't seem to be answering unless i missed it. Have you spoken to Hine since the text? Has he contacted you?

My kids don't meet anyone I date. Don't make any assumptions about my dc

Well what is the point in carrying on then?

There is no future in it anyway. At best you have a professional liar happy to paint his wife in a hideous mental health light, and disrespecting both her and his child and one that has had more than one affair in the past already, how will you trust him exactly?

Worst case you actually do have a scorned deranged ex on your hands who sounds unlikely to disappear anytime soon. Why would you go there with this situation as it stands?!

You came on for what exactly? Everyone has told you to run for the hills, but you aren't going to clearly, so good luck! It will end badly and when it does you can remember the wisdom of this thread. Please find your self respect and dignity, and move on before you all get hurt.

@beachsidecafe

My kids don't meet anyone I date. Don't make any assumptions about my dc

Well what is the point in carrying on then?

There is no future in it anyway. At best you have a professional liar happy to paint his wife in a hideous mental health light, and disrespecting both her and his child and one that has had more than one affair in the past already, how will you trust him exactly?

Worst case you actually do have a scorned deranged ex on your hands who sounds unlikely to disappear anytime soon. Why would you go there with this situation as it stands?!

You came on for what exactly? Everyone has told you to run for the hills, but you aren't going to clearly, so good luck! It will end badly and when it does you can remember the wisdom of this thread. Please find your self respect and dignity, and move on before you all get hurt.

What do I want? I want to be able to discuss this without being accused of being a husband stealer, unhinged for believing his lies or a shit parent.

Why would I introduce my kids to someone I've just started dating? They're only going to be introduced into a settled long term relationship. I don't think that makes me crap parent of the year.

@Kelly345 sorry. Yes he has texted me from the same number to say he was sorry she had got hold of his phone. He wants to explain but would understand if I walked away. He said something I told him in person to show it was him. Something she couldn't have got from messages.

Also to the comments about the car. He said it had been vandalised and showed me the picture. Didnt say it was her originally. It was only when we met a few days ago he said it was her and the whole 'she has a room at our house' type thing came along.

I don't like not knowing. I just want some closure. But I know I'm probably not going to get it from either of them.

I'm just really pissed off a stranger has my name, number and photo (off whatsapp). It's making me really anxious.

Well, she's not a stranger, she's your boyfriend's wife 🥴 Honestly, these lines he's feeding you were written on runic stones by ancient tribesmen about how to get a side wench.

@lulupooh

Well, she's not a stranger, she's your boyfriend's wife 🥴 Honestly, these lines he's feeding you were written on runic stones by ancient tribesmen about how to get a side wench.

She's a stranger to me.

And one who's apparently quite handy with a sledgehammer

Exactly, you're well out of it and I wouldn't thank fuckface for involving me in his shituation either

Why are you still talking about this and just not getting rid of this guy?? What’s there to talk about

Yeah I was the "crazy ex" too.

I'd caught my now exH cheating once before but like a mug I took him back. I thought things were fine between us.

So while I was overseas at my mother's funeral, I found out the fucker cheated on me again! You bet I went off on him.
He already had his story down with the OW and of course she believed him.

I came back to an empty house as he had stolen and sold everything in the house. He would go on to anyone who would listen about how unhinged I was poor poor him feel sorry for him and fuck him.

It wasn't too long later that she caught him cheating and of course she was now the crazy ex.

I think the thing that puzzles me the most is how so many women will blindly believe everything a man she barely know says. Even when it is well known how many liars, cheats, and weirdos there are with old.

I'm just really pissed off a stranger has my name, number and photo (off whatsapp). It's making me really anxious.

@HoldThatThoughtNow if you haven't already, you can change your whatsapp settings so that only your contacts can see your photo and whatsapp status, whether you are online etc. Just a thought, but make sure your social media is locked down and as private as possible.

OP you sound like you’re enjoying this drama. Any sane and level-headed person with a crumb of self worth would run for the hills at this stage. But for some reason after one month you’re invested enough to even waste your time and energy on this mess.

If the ex is toxic like he says, then clearly he has a type. The type of woman to fight for a man tooth and nail despite looking crazy whilst doing so. And, going by this thread, you fit the bill. By the sounds of it, he’s gone from one mad woman to the next.

OP, honestly I would give up on here you can't win, too many people pushing their own experiences on to you because he must be the liar and any crazy woman must only be that way because of an arsehole husband 🙄

None of us know the the truth, maybe it's one of the other or maybe it's a bit of both and (yes I agree either way it's a shit show and the OP should walk away) but it's not fair jumping on the OP, she's the only one who hasn't done anything wrong and is allowed to be upset/annoyed at a situation which she's been forced unknowingly in to!

Yeh, any man who told me he had a crazy x would turn me right off instantly. Even if it were true, why tell virtual stangers.

Im a "crazy x"! Hmmm a long term single boring civil servant with no debts, no addictions, no convictions, no deadbeat boyfriends, no cock lodgers 😅 not one in 14 years. Kids have had maths grinds, love, braces, support, encouragement, hugs, chocolate, hot water bottles, tea... but my x still tries to push the crazy x narrative up hill.

I think OP has gone. Which is a bit sad, as there is loads of good advice and support on this thread, in between the random slagging-off. No idea why some people have to be so nasty.....

Well I'd say there's nothing he needs to explain to you, just that he stays away from you and tells her to stop contacting you. Block him. He'll only tell you she's lying and it wasn't his fault. Move forward for your own wellbeing. Once she realises you are not contacting him she might back off. You're not a crap parent. You've been sucked in by someone who was on dating websites pretending to be single.

I'd send one message telling them both to leave you alone, then block and move on.

You do not want any of this shit turning up on your doorstep.