Got a message from 'the wife'

[HoldThatThoughtNow]

I've read about these on here before. Never thought I'd end up in this situation...

Been seeing a guy from old for about a month. Nothing crazy. Mostly walks and now a few meals outside.

I saw him this week and he said it was complicated. His wife still had a room in the house. But she has another place to stay with their daughter. Their daughter has autism. I don't know the details but that she finds change stressful and so they've been keeping the status quo for her sake.

Of course he said they're not sleeping together etc. It's been years.

Today I get a text from his phone from his wife. Saying they're together. That they had sex last night. She's not angry with me but I need to know he'll drop me and move on, he does this a lot etc.

This doesn't tally with stuff he's shown me about her. I don't want to go into details as it's way too obvious but he's shown me stuff that she's done which is off the scale crazy ex.

She's given me her number to call.

Wtf? I feel like I've wandered into an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

@HoldThatThoughtNow

Just had a no id number calling me

Fucks sake

OP, for what it's worth I don't think you've done anything wrong. You took what he said at face value, that's understandable.

As the situation is progressing however and more facts come into play, it's becoming clear that his is, at best, a complicated, potentially volatile situation that it would be silly to get involved in.

If I'm honest, I think there is probably a reason his wife is so annoyed and I question why he needed to tell you about any of this, why is it important that you know she's 'firey' and that she (allegedly) damaged his car? It's been a month, that's his business. To me that smacks of distancing you from her. He plants the seed that she's 'crazy' and can behave unpredictably, you in turn are less likely to question his version of events.

I would throw the whole man away, bloke all numbers and chalk this one up to experience as it's most likely not worth it.

The story about the photo of the car stinks like 3 day old fish.

Showing that to someone you've been talking to a month? After revealing you live with your wife? This is a practised turn at making you think he's living with a psycho. And hey! It worked!

Do a reverse image search on the image.

And even if it was his car, you have no proof when this occurred (the photo could be years old) and who did it (the daughter for one).

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Oh she's so crazy he just happens to shag her...
Run OP, RUN.

Either he's lying or the situation is a just a nightmare anyway, you don't need this chaos in your life!

Clearly the wife doesn't think her marriage is as 'over' as he does. I'd love to hear what he has to say to you after these developments. Clearly you need to end this immediately and block any contact with both of them. But intrigue would still make me wonder what he has to say for himself.

Sorry. It's getting a bit weird. Text messages and no id phone calls. I'm stressed out and I have to take my DC out for a bit.

To answer why she did she smashed his car - he said it was because he raised the idea of selling the house. He says he has resisted because of his daughter and her need for things to stay the same. But now he wants to move on.

I'm just saying what he said before anyone accuses me of being a marriage breaker etc and defending him... I'm really not. I don't condone anyone knowingly going into a relationship with someone already with a partner. But that's not what I thought this was

Phone his number to see if he answers, hang up if it's her.

@HoldThatThoughtNow

Sorry. It's getting a bit weird. Text messages and no id phone calls. I'm stressed out and I have to take my DC out for a bit.

To answer why she did she smashed his car - he said it was because he raised the idea of selling the house. He says he has resisted because of his daughter and her need for things to stay the same. But now he wants to move on.

I'm just saying what he said before anyone accuses me of being a marriage breaker etc and defending him... I'm really not. I don't condone anyone knowingly going into a relationship with someone already with a partner. But that's not what I thought this was

But why on earth do you want this? What a carry on

@ElspethFlashman

The story about the photo of the car stinks like 3 day old fish.

Showing that to someone you've been talking to a month? After revealing you live with your wife? This is a practised turn at making you think he's living with a psycho. And hey! It worked!

Do a reverse image search on the image.

And even if it was his car, you have no proof when this occurred (the photo could be years old) and who did it (the daughter for one).

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Bingo

So if she's done something crazy just this week is there a chance she's found out about his affair? Could explain that. But also ask yourself some questions. Does he share his life with you. Share pics of you together or meet with his mum etc. If not it looks like you might be the dirty little secret and id be moving on.

Is there a chance she'd do £££s of damage to your property when she finds out where you live.

He has known you a month and already told you all about his 'crazy' wife...that a red flag in itself. As really apart from her still having a room with him, none if the rest of it was any of your buisness. Yes he has gone out if his way to paint some woman you may never have met as a psyco. Thats not normal. It sounds like he was covering his basis incase she contacted you.

Either way though, you're a month in so it shouldnt be a big deal to walk away. Unless he has also been love bombing you...?

So she flipped and damaged something of his, that is NORMAL, not sure why OP thinks that is 'unhinged'. Unhinged, to me, would be dating a man who used the 'oh we are separated but still live in the same house' oldest trick in the book. I mean, come ON! Who even falls for that, these days? You'd have to be unhinged or gullible to fall for that, it is the oldest, oldest line.

In your world maybe, @CokeDrinker, but it’s not ‘normal’ in mine.

Also, I live with my ex. It’s very amicable. No sex, no craziness. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Raise the bar, OP.
Think about whether you'd want your DC to pursue a relationship under these circumstances in the future.

@HoldThatThoughtNow

Thanks everyone.

@AttilaTheMeerkat that made me laugh. Yes there are red flags a go go...!

To those saying he's calling her unhinged. He has never said that. He said she has a fiery temper.

I really can't say as it's too outing. But he showed me a photo of something she'd done this week. Think tens of thousands of pounds of damage on something personal to him. It's my interpretation that she is unhinged. It was utterly vindictive.

Are you sure the photo is one he’s taken? Not nicked off the internet?

Even if photo is genuine it shows that they are still too involved with each other for him to be in a place to start a relationship. Because surely if she had done that and they weren’t in a relationship he would move straight out or call the police and get her removed? My mum smashed the house up in a similar situation with my dad and my dad left and never came back.

Sorry, seen you’re happy it’s his car. But you still don’t know the real reason she flipped out...maybe she’s been fairly convinced he’s shagging someone. Not that I’m condoning smashing cars up but if it’s repeated behaviour she could have been tipped over the edge. Or maybe some other woman he’s shagging and their husband found out and smashed the car up?

You really need to turn your back on this man op as there is far too much drama already.

Do this for your and your dc's sake before you fall deeper into this.

If he's a good guy then he'd respect your wishes and leave you alone.

They live together - they share a daughter - they share property -he shares information about their life together with people he has only known a few weeks.

Whether she is unhinged or just angry - the two of them are very much involved with each other.

The relationship will be crowded if you stay in it.

Sounds like she could be lying to you, why would she bash his car if they've a happy relationship
Does she have shoulder length curly hair? If so hide your children's bunnies 😳

OMG you have children.

Seriously WHY would you bring your own children into such a messy horrible situation?? So unfair on them.

You didn't mention your dc before now. Even more reason to run for the hills. I can't believe you are even considering continuing this, your poor kids deserve better.

but you have no idea what happened to the car, indeed if anything happened to the car at all. So I am not sure why you are banging on about the car. The car is the least of op's problems I would say.

OP, even if everything he says is true, he needs to get out before he starts a relationship because this is always going to happen.

For you, it's a crazy situation to remain involved in because, even if he is now single, they are so emeshed in each other's lives it's just not possible to have a healthy relationship with him.

@beachsidecafe

OMG you have children.

Seriously WHY would you bring your own children into such a messy horrible situation?? So unfair on them.

You didn't mention your dc before now. Even more reason to run for the hills. I can't believe you are even considering continuing this, your poor kids deserve better.

but you have no idea what happened to the car, indeed if anything happened to the car at all. So I am not sure why you are banging on about the car. The car is the least of op's problems I would say.

Thanks for that.

My kids don't meet anyone I date. Don't make any assumptions about my dc.

This is harsher than Aibu

You sound like you are starting to defend him, bad sign!
Nobody knows what’s really going on between him and his wife-the only certainties are that he’s married, and it’s VERY complicated.
If you could be bothered, ask him for an explanation.. but tbh, the sensible thing is to disengage ( whilst you aren’t really involved) and ask him to come find you when he’s really sorted his crAp out...
Even if he’s being completely truthful, his wife doesn’t want to let go/is evil/crazy, why do you want to get involved in something that has clearly been dragging on for years and he hasn’t been able to resolve???

@HoldThatThoughtNow

Thanks everyone.

@AttilaTheMeerkat that made me laugh. Yes there are red flags a go go...!

To those saying he's calling her unhinged. He has never said that. He said she has a fiery temper.

I really can't say as it's too outing. But he showed me a photo of something she'd done this week. Think tens of thousands of pounds of damage on something personal to him. It's my interpretation that she is unhinged. It was utterly vindictive.

Maybe found out she's seeing another woman AGAIN?

Really not sure why people are being so hard on the OP here. She didn't knowingly get herself into this. From my interpretation, she's not considering staying with him (please correct me if that's wrong, OP). She was just using this thread to help get her head around this huge unexpected headf*ck. Her own DCs are in no way involved, so who she dates is really up to her....any OLD holds some element of risk with the unknown. But OP has hardly exhibited questionable morals here?