Got a message from 'the wife'

[HoldThatThoughtNow]

I've read about these on here before. Never thought I'd end up in this situation...

Been seeing a guy from old for about a month. Nothing crazy. Mostly walks and now a few meals outside.

I saw him this week and he said it was complicated. His wife still had a room in the house. But she has another place to stay with their daughter. Their daughter has autism. I don't know the details but that she finds change stressful and so they've been keeping the status quo for her sake.

Of course he said they're not sleeping together etc. It's been years.

Today I get a text from his phone from his wife. Saying they're together. That they had sex last night. She's not angry with me but I need to know he'll drop me and move on, he does this a lot etc.

This doesn't tally with stuff he's shown me about her. I don't want to go into details as it's way too obvious but he's shown me stuff that she's done which is off the scale crazy ex.

She's given me her number to call.

Wtf? I feel like I've wandered into an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

That's right, label his wife who he still lives with the 'crazy ex'. We all know how batshit they get when spouses have affairs. Silly women 🙄

If the phone rings again, answer it.

See what she has to say. I reckon you'll discover that things are not quite the same as what you've been told.

All you can do is learn from this and not have anything to do with him. Also remember next time these things.
1 most men make or say their partner/wife is crazy.
2 not single if living with a partner THATS A FACT.
3 Men will do most things to get attention if it easy and or available.
4 don't listen to a man if he puts his wife/partner down in anyway. As the chances of it happening to you is extremely high.
5 no one is better. I'm so sorry this has happened. Don't listen to mens emotional clap trap. It has the possibility to spread you to pieces. If a man has a partner /wife or says he is single while living with a partner/wife stay away.

1 most men make or say their partner/wife is crazy.

I don’t know what kind of men you have around you but IME, most men will not even discuss the ex wife with a new woman, the red flag actually is “she doesn’t let me see the children”, fortunately, they are a very small minority.

Er op he IS married!!!

And still married, and hasn't said he is moving out from his 'deranged' wife.

So I am not sure what there is to decide unless you are happy to carry on seeing him even knowing he is married, still living with her and they share a child with considerable special needs. To me, that says everything about you not him.

@HelpMeh

I'd send one message telling them both to leave you alone, then block and move on.

You do not want any of this shit turning up on your doorstep.

This ^

Send one last message telling the pair of them to leave you out of their shitshow and never contact you again, then give yourself the closure you want by closing the door on the whole experience yourself. Having your mobile number isn't the same as having your address. You can still put this down to an unpleasant experience and walk away with some dignity. You're not a husband stealer or a bad parent. You've been strung along. Learn to see the signs in future. If you look back you'll probably see there were signs he wasn't quite giving you the whole story.

I'm probably being thick but if you block her number she can't override being blocked by withholding her number can she? That would defeat the object surely.

Just block her (and him)

Get yourself out of this messy situation. It's not your problem so leave them to it.

Non emotional response would be ideal here. It's not been long and best case scenario is still messy and a headfuck you don't need. I would go with something like...

"I don't want to be involved in this situation so please can you both cease all contact with me. Thanks."

If you block someone’s number and then they ring with 141 in front therefor withholding the number they can ring you.

Op regardless of what he’s said, what she’s said, it’s not what you want. Tell him to contact you when he’s moved out and is available.

You are attempting to date a man with an involved possibly ex wife and an adult daughter with disabilities.

Either she needs a significant amount of care and he should be pulling his weight, or her disability is irrelevant.

Whatever, he isn't free to establish a new relationship.

Op

Might be a good idea to lock YOUR car in the garage 😗

Thanks @baubled @Lovelydiscusfish I'm having a shit day and this has just pushed me over the edge. I just wanted somewhere to offload and process. It's just all so mad to me.

My lovely friends husband died yesterday. They got married a few months ago when they knew he didn't have long left so It's been an emotional day.

@picklemewalnuts and anyone else who asked, their daughter has full time carers. So no his wife is not left with a full time caring role. That's about all I know though.

@Fabiofatshaft1 thankfully she doesn't know where I live... or the total rust bucket I drive.

@Kelly345 thanks yes I'm locked down on social media etc anyway partly due to when I was raped last year and the police told my rapist my address. I've lived in fear ever since then! I posted about it at the time several name changes ago. I have cameras installed etc and thankfully I don't think she even knows what town I'm in.

But I have just realised she knows where and when I'll be getting my vaccination next week so she could potentially turn up. But at the moment no more texts/calls etc so I'm hoping it's all done.

Take someone with you for your vaccine. But I highly doubt a public show is what she wants.

@HoldThatThoughtNow

Thanks *@baubled* *@Lovelydiscusfish* I'm having a shit day and this has just pushed me over the edge. I just wanted somewhere to offload and process. It's just all so mad to me.

My lovely friends husband died yesterday. They got married a few months ago when they knew he didn't have long left so It's been an emotional day.

@picklemewalnuts and anyone else who asked, their daughter has full time carers. So no his wife is not left with a full time caring role. That's about all I know though.

@Fabiofatshaft1 thankfully she doesn't know where I live... or the total rust bucket I drive.

@Kelly345 thanks yes I'm locked down on social media etc anyway partly due to when I was raped last year and the police told my rapist my address. I've lived in fear ever since then! I posted about it at the time several name changes ago. I have cameras installed etc and thankfully I don't think she even knows what town I'm in.

But I have just realised she knows where and when I'll be getting my vaccination next week so she could potentially turn up. But at the moment no more texts/calls etc so I'm hoping it's all done.

I remember reading about the police/rape case on here op. I'm so sorry you had to go through that

He’s clearly a lying scumbag. You and his wife deserve better.

Send the wife a msg to say you are blocking and will have nothing to do with them. That you didn’t know he was still married. And if there’s any more contact, you will go to the police to report harassment.

Take care OP

Walk away now. Red flags waving a plenty. Even if he did turn out to be remotely genuine do you need the drama and insecurity? Do you need an sti check?

Op

Bloody Hell, you’ve been going through the blender for a while, haven’t you !?

Sounds like you need some stability and normality in your life.......

And some fun.

But this scenario isn’t it.....

And deep down, no matter how much you like this guy, you know that.....

Assuming they are separated, the mere fact he’s allowed her access to his phone and therefore to you is completely unacceptable. He’s left you in a terrible position as she’s unlikely to leave you alone now.

I’d tell him that until he lives alone you won’t be seeing him again.

Take care OP Things will get better x

Op his wife seems determined to get in touch with you, she also sounds quite resouceful.

She has had hold of his phone, if he was stupid enough to leave incriminating messages on there between you there is chance his location history will be on there too.
Hopefully he has never been to your home.

I really don't understand why she phoned from his phone, the only time I've known someone do that is because the husband had given the ow the wifes number, for fair warning.

She knows about you, she knew last week and she smashed his car up because of you.

I would go on holiday for a bit with your DC, get them away, there's a very scorned wife out there.
Keep them safe.

You poor thing - sounds like you've had an awful time of it. Sorry that people have been harsh on here when you came on for advice. Obviously you had no idea what you were getting into with this man and only knew what he'd told you. He could well be telling you the truth but equally he could be an accomplished liar. Either way it does sound very messy so I'd walk away although I know that will be really hard if you like him and you thought you'd finally found some potential happiness. Sending hugs.

Given your update, it is an bigger reason why you really must take care of yourself, it is going to take a long time to recover from all of the trauma you have experienced, and I would imagine you need loving people around you that can trust and can be there for you. This man is not it, he is nothing even close.

If he knows all your background and is still putting you through this, then he is even worse than we thought.

Choose someone gentle, available and respectful. Choosing this man will cause even more damage to your life, and even more stress and upset. Please put yourself and your children first.

OP, there is no way on God's green earth that this short relationship with this man is going to end in 'and they all lived happily ever after'.

You and your children deserve much better.

But I have just realised she knows where and when I'll be getting my vaccination next week so she could potentially turn up. But at the moment no more texts/calls etc so I'm hoping it's all done.

Op, if you are worried, could you speak to the COVID appointment team (NHS Fife had a username along with phone number I'm not sure if yours will be the same?) to change it?
I know it's not ideal and you shouldn't have to. But if you are concerned she turns up, is this an option for you?

Best of luck @HoldThatThoughtNow

Not sure what the problem is here op. You have known him for a month only, a few walks/meals. That is it. Who knows what the truth is. And who cares? Block all numbers, ignore no id calls, and run run run. Good luck.