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Original poster

Got a message from 'the wife'

261 replies

HoldThatThoughtNow · 02/05/2021 09:26

I've read about these on here before. Never thought I'd end up in this situation...

Been seeing a guy from old for about a month. Nothing crazy. Mostly walks and now a few meals outside.

I saw him this week and he said it was complicated. His wife still had a room in the house. But she has another place to stay with their daughter. Their daughter has autism. I don't know the details but that she finds change stressful and so they've been keeping the status quo for her sake.

Of course he said they're not sleeping together etc. It's been years.

Today I get a text from his phone from his wife. Saying they're together. That they had sex last night. She's not angry with me but I need to know he'll drop me and move on, he does this a lot etc.

This doesn't tally with stuff he's shown me about her. I don't want to go into details as it's way too obvious but he's shown me stuff that she's done which is off the scale crazy ex.

She's given me her number to call.

Wtf? I feel like I've wandered into an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

OP posts:
BluePeterVag · 02/05/2021 10:55

Flowers for you op. Some harsh comments on here, but there are many offering advice and it is all get yourself out of the situation.
My friend had a very similar situation. He new man lived with “ex” wife for the sake of their boys who were 18 and 21. She was “unhinged” etc etc. He ended up giving her genital warts as he was sleeping around so much...
Please put yourself first and remove yourself from this drama, it doesn’t matter who is telling you the truth at this point. You’re worth more than this.

DrSbaitso · 02/05/2021 10:55

Oh just cut and run. You've only been seeing him a month. Whoever the loony is here, him, her or both of them, it isn't worth it.

lunar1 · 02/05/2021 10:55

It really doesn't matter who did what, their marriage is currently imploding, what on earth do you want to be a part of that?

There are other men out there who aren't currently living with their wife!

AgileMadness · 02/05/2021 10:55

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

Do you think you deserve kindness?
@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow Do you think you need to be so nasty? Jesus, some posters need to back off with the nastiness. OP has posted for advice not abuse. If anything she's as much a victim in this matter. Yes, I agree she should stay away from the man and the whole messy business but I think that message can be given without the abuse.
beachsidecafe · 02/05/2021 10:58

Lets assume she did smash up his car, and lets imagine there is absolutely no reason for that she just woke up and decided to smash up his car (unlikely to say the least) do you really want to be involved in a situation with someone so deranged, because maybe she will come after you next? If she is dangerous, lets just imagine for a second, as I don't believe it for one minute, so will stop at nothing to settle scores with you, and it could go on for decades. How are you supposed to have any kind of future in that position?

Not only that but he will need to be very involved as his child is severely autistic, so it is not like he can cut his ties and disappear.

You have to be able to see that this whole things looks mental, and not worth the stress for a one month relationship and a few walks!

Anotheruser02 · 02/05/2021 10:58

He's a grown man he would move out if things were that bad at home.

Even if she only knew about you for one day the chances are that he's been checking out of his marriage for the last month, giving her reasons to be the one who ends it. Men can be very cruel when they need to make a wife appear unstable and she already has an autistic Daughter to care for and by the sounds of it she always will, that's so much pressure on her. He's probably gaslighting her about his seeing someone else too because she's been desperate enough to ask you about it.
I know it's not a popular option but because I love other women more than manipulative men, I would block and delete him, but I'd give her a quick call to tell her the truth too, she wants to know what is happening in her own life and her fucking husband wont let her in on it.

Neither of you have done anything wrong, I would tell her, wish her well and then block her too....... then run.

Sakurami · 02/05/2021 10:59

It's impossible to know what is the truth at this stage but you need to decide if you're interested enough to be involved in what could be a complicated situation. Why are they still living together? He sounds quite wealthy so why live in the same house?

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/05/2021 11:00

@Anotheruser02

He's a grown man he would move out if things were that bad at home. Even if she only knew about you for one day the chances are that he's been checking out of his marriage for the last month, giving her reasons to be the one who ends it. Men can be very cruel when they need to make a wife appear unstable and she already has an autistic Daughter to care for and by the sounds of it she always will, that's so much pressure on her. He's probably gaslighting her about his seeing someone else too because she's been desperate enough to ask you about it. I know it's not a popular option but because I love other women more than manipulative men, I would block and delete him, but I'd give her a quick call to tell her the truth too, she wants to know what is happening in her own life and her fucking husband wont let her in on it. Neither of you have done anything wrong, I would tell her, wish her well and then block her too....... then run.
There is a thread currently running where a wife rang an ex wife to ask about abuse. OP was told in no uncertain terms to block the crazy woman.
beachsidecafe · 02/05/2021 11:00

If it was only last week, we can safely assume that was about the time she found about you. So perhaps the smashed up car is well deserved no?

Tistheseason17 · 02/05/2021 11:00

I suspect there is a bit of truth in both their versions of events.
But, what a mess. He needs to move out if he really is single.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/05/2021 11:02

@beachsidecafe

If it was only last week, we can safely assume that was about the time she found about you. So perhaps the smashed up car is well deserved no?
Violence is never acceptable or well deserved.
MintyMabel · 02/05/2021 11:02

Then a few days later he sends the picture of it completely smashed up. In his locked garage. In his gated community. He couldn't have driven it there.

He could have smashed it up himself.

Sarahandco · 02/05/2021 11:02

Have you heard from him? I think at this stage you have no idea what this situations really is. The car incident could be that she is resisting the split. I would say to him that you like him but that you can't really get involved until things are properly resolved. She could cause you a lot of grief even if they have already split.

cordelia16 · 02/05/2021 11:02

You say the car damage was last week, but she only found out about you last night. Maybe last week she found out about a different woman he's having an affair with?

The advice has been unanimous that you shoud run for the hills. Yet you're still here defending your case. It seems like you want to be with him more than you want to listen to reason.

As everyone has said, either he's a liar/cheat or she's crazy and will make your life hell. We have all questioned why you would stay in this scenario either way. You say you're normally boring - there may be a part of you then that likes this drama (despite your protestations that you don't). Anyway, wishing you the best of luck!

wizzywig · 02/05/2021 11:03

So they are both raising their daughter with asd? Wonder if his wife is able to have the time out to form new relationships?

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 02/05/2021 11:03

I haven't actually been nasty.
The op is trying to justify seeing a married man.

This is such a simple situation. Walk away.

Khle34 · 02/05/2021 11:03

Ah that old chestnut, separated but living together for the sake of the (in this case) adult child. Throw in autism and it makes him sound so admirable doesn't it? What a lovely man, housing the ex wife and disabled child post split.

He's full of shit if you ask me.

I have been that wife.

In my case we were very much together and it wasn't for the sake of our autistic child.

Get rid OP you don't need the hassle.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/05/2021 11:04

"I've just had such a shit time lately. I just wanted something safe and sane."

See this bit? This is so far from a safe or sane situation, regardless of which of them is telling the nearest to the truth, that you need to just walk away ANYWAY.

It could be her that's off her rocker. It could be the severely autistic daughter who smashed the car - I have a friend with a son who is very severely autistic who would regularly smash up the house when in meltdown - not saying all ASD causes this, but in some cases it does.
OR he could be a grade A liar.

You don't know which, you can't know which, but whatever the "truth" is, this is a very volatile situation, and, by your own admission, now what you need right now.

MMMarmite · 02/05/2021 11:04

Do you know it's his garage for sure? Could it have been photoshopped? Do you even have proof that this daughter exists?

Anyway, let's assume for a moment it's the truth. He is separated from a woman who is so violent that she'll serious damage his car, for no good reason? Yet he lets her live in his house. In that case he is in absolutely no position to start dating. He needs to focus on during a divorce and getting his ex fully moved out. And help his daughter get accustomed to this - although if the ex is truly that violent and abusive, he probably ought to be protecting the daughter from her, rather than bending over backwards to give access.

You can't start a new relationship while living with an abusive ex!

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/05/2021 11:04

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

I haven't actually been nasty. The op is trying to justify seeing a married man.

This is such a simple situation. Walk away.

No she isn't.
lunar1 · 02/05/2021 11:05

Unless you have been stalking their house and tracking everyone's whereabouts for the last week I don't know how you can be so sure about the circumstances of the car vandalism. He could have done it as an insurance job, or have a bad temper himself.

It's been 4 weeks, there is no possible way you know anyone involved well enough to have a valid opinion.

Original poster
HoldThatThoughtNow · 02/05/2021 11:06

@beachsidecafe

If it was only last week, we can safely assume that was about the time she found about you. So perhaps the smashed up car is well deserved no?
No we can't safely assume that. She herself says she found out last night. So it wasn't in retaliation for me. Possibly someone else.

He says it was because he mentioned about selling the house.

OP posts:
Lorw · 02/05/2021 11:06

You’ll be surprised how good some men are at lying and fabricating, they love to make out their wives are crazy, this in itself is a massive red flag, he’s obviously a very good manipulator and he has you hook line and sinker.

Charmatt · 02/05/2021 11:07

Just a thought - maybe she damaged his car because she found out he was seeing someone else and then found out about you too! He could be seeing another woman as well.

Yes, it's stupid behaviour to damage his car but that's their relationship. Clearly, most PP (and me included ) think it is not something you need to invite into your life and you should end it.

Having been given that advice from so many people, it would be ridiculous to continue to see him. As so many PP have said, there are decent men out there without all this baggage.

Personally, I think they are together but in a firey marriage where she has probably had experience of him doing this before, she is looking after an adult child with significant need and he won't change!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/05/2021 11:07

I saw his car.
Then a few days later he sends the picture of it completely smashed up. In his locked garage. In his gated community. He couldn't have driven it there

I know, OP, but while I probably messed up explaining what I meant, I was questioning whether the damage could have been something that happened ages ago and nothing to do with his wife - perhaps the result of an RTA or something?

However if you're satisfied it really was recent then fair enough

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