Got a message from 'the wife'

[HoldThatThoughtNow]

I've read about these on here before. Never thought I'd end up in this situation...

Been seeing a guy from old for about a month. Nothing crazy. Mostly walks and now a few meals outside.

I saw him this week and he said it was complicated. His wife still had a room in the house. But she has another place to stay with their daughter. Their daughter has autism. I don't know the details but that she finds change stressful and so they've been keeping the status quo for her sake.

Of course he said they're not sleeping together etc. It's been years.

Today I get a text from his phone from his wife. Saying they're together. That they had sex last night. She's not angry with me but I need to know he'll drop me and move on, he does this a lot etc.

This doesn't tally with stuff he's shown me about her. I don't want to go into details as it's way too obvious but he's shown me stuff that she's done which is off the scale crazy ex.

She's given me her number to call.

Wtf? I feel like I've wandered into an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

If a poster posted here that she was in a violent relationship with someone who had smashed up her car nobody would doubt for a second that she was telling the truth.

While I agree that this situation is a mess any sane person should run from as far in the other direction as they can, I’m not comfortable with this thought that women are seemingly all poor innocent victims capable of doing no wrong and that when they resort to violence it must have been because they were provoked into it by the bastard man.

If that’s the case then surely it’s possible for a woman to provoke a man into being violent, and nobody accepts that, so why is it considered acceptable the other way around?

None of this takes away from the fact the OP should walk away, but I highly doubt that this is all one sided and that only the man is the party in the wrong here.

We often see posts from posters who are seeing someone while still living in the marital home waiting for a divorce to go through. Personally I don’t agree with it, but they are very rarely judged on here for doing so. So if it’s good for the goose….? You can’t have it both ways.

@OnlyInYourDreams

If a poster posted here that she was in a violent relationship with someone who had smashed up her car nobody would doubt for a second that she was telling the truth.

While I agree that this situation is a mess any sane person should run from as far in the other direction as they can, I’m not comfortable with this thought that women are seemingly all poor innocent victims capable of doing no wrong and that when they resort to violence it must have been because they were provoked into it by the bastard man.

If that’s the case then surely it’s possible for a woman to provoke a man into being violent, and nobody accepts that, so why is it considered acceptable the other way around?

None of this takes away from the fact the OP should walk away, but I highly doubt that this is all one sided and that only the man is the party in the wrong here.

We often see posts from posters who are seeing someone while still living in the marital home waiting for a divorce to go through. Personally I don’t agree with it, but they are very rarely judged on here for doing so. So if it’s good for the goose….? You can’t have it both ways.

I agree.

It's got shit storm written all over it . Yes things like this do happen with EX's
The top and bottom of it you don't know ether way it's just going to be grief move on .

@HoldThatThoughtNow

Thanks everyone.

@AttilaTheMeerkat that made me laugh. Yes there are red flags a go go...!

To those saying he's calling her unhinged. He has never said that. He said she has a fiery temper.

I really can't say as it's too outing. But he showed me a photo of something she'd done this week. Think tens of thousands of pounds of damage on something personal to him. It's my interpretation that she is unhinged. It was utterly vindictive.

Haha oh op it sounds like my ex. He would have you think I was ready for sectioning.

What he'll probably have failed to tell you is the monumentally shitty stuff he did that led to that almighty meltdown.

Another ex a long time ago, told me he was separated but his 'ex' got hold of my number and kept phoning me hurling abuse at me at all hours telling me to 'stay away from her man'.

Turns out she wasn't as much of an ex as he made out and he was using me to make her jealous because she'd cheated on him.

Utterly toxic bollocks - It's such a tired cliche.

I'd take the situation with an enormous pinch of salt, walk away and chalk it up to experience.

I'd be interested to hear what she had to say, but I'm a bit of a masochist like that so don't be me - blocking and moving on sounds far better advice.

What a mess. I’d start again with someone without this drama and who is definitely not cheating on his wife with you

Did we learn nothing from Elin Nordegren? Was she psycho? This man has probably got form for cheating, but you won't listen, you'll continue to see him. You're more defensive of him despite only knowing him for a month than he is of his own wife that he lives with and has grown children with. If he had any sort of loyalty or respect for her, even if he they were separated he wouldn't be so keen to divulge such information about her to someone he barely knows. Also, if it's such a shit show at home don't you think he's got bigger priorities like getting the fuck out of there and safeguarding his vulnerable daughter rather than getting his dick wet? sigh such a good dad. He just wants sympathy so he can smash you. I'm sorry.

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

Do you think you deserve kindness?

Blimey. Calm down.

"OP will you listen to yourself.

Early days in a relationship and your thoughts are consumed by whether or not his ex damaged his car!"

She's just answering questions from all the posters picking holes in her story.

It requires a “sorry this too complicated, let’s chat in 6 months and ignore both of the, I wouldn’t block as long as you are strong enough to not reply or casually text if you’ve had a drink. Go on more dates with other men.

If he’s genuinely into you he’ll text gack in 6 months to say he’s moved out and sorted arrangements with his daughter.

Leave the problem with him to solve,

Also, you'd be surprised what state a car can be driven home in. Maybe it was quaaludes.

He’s sucking you into his drama OP.
It’s really not that confusing to see that he needs to sort out his mess before he starts dating. Time to walk away unless you are enjoying the buzz from all the dramaz.

We have no idea what HE has done to her! None at all.

PP saying that violence is never justified, we don't know the facts. We have absolutely no idea what he did to her/if she damaged the car at all/ and what is happening between them. His dd may have done it. Or a neighbour he has fallen out with. His wife may have found out about you before last night, but does want to reveal it for her own reasons. We just don't know.

Most people don't go around battering their joint property - and it is joint because everything they have is legally shared between them, for no reason. He is only telling you half the story to suit himself.

You have no idea who he even is op, he could be a woman beater, a murderer, a serious criminal. After one month he is still largely a stranger to you, and yet you still seem so reluctant to finish it.

If you are stupid enough to stay involved, then you deserve what is coming quite frankly, because anyone with an ounce of common sense would see this for what it is.

@OnlyInYourDreams

I agree too. Some can be very vicious but some way it is ok because they are “women”. You just need to take a walk in the city centre at night (out of the pandemic) to see hoardes of women being sexually aggressive or damn right abusive to men on the excuse they are a bit tipsy, being a bit of fun or it “being just a hen night”. I bet if they were men behaving like that towards women they would be lifted by police in literally minutes.

I think one of the first questions I'd be asking is what made the wife flip out and smash his car up? Have you asked? Everyone has a breaking point and will snap eventually . Doesn't make her a crazy woman. I'd personally speak to her and find out

@lulupooh

Also, you'd be surprised what state a car can be driven home in. Maybe it was quaaludes.

😂😂

@beachsidecafe

We have no idea what HE has done to her! None at all.

PP saying that violence is never justified, we don't know the facts. We have absolutely no idea what he did to her/if she damaged the car at all/ and what is happening between them. His dd may have done it. Or a neighbour he has fallen out with. His wife may have found out about you before last night, but does want to reveal it for her own reasons. We just don't know.

Most people don't go around battering their joint property - and it is joint because everything they have is legally shared between them, for no reason. He is only telling you half the story to suit himself.

You have no idea who he even is op, he could be a woman beater, a murderer, a serious criminal. After one month he is still largely a stranger to you, and yet you still seem so reluctant to finish it.

If you are stupid enough to stay involved, then you deserve what is coming quite frankly, because anyone with an ounce of common sense would see this for what it is.

You are still trying to justify the smashing though.

drop and run because either

1. he's been lying and fabricating things

or

2. she really is unhinged

or

3. bit of both

Either way you don't want that bullshitty drama in your life

I know you’re looking for justification that you haven’t been taken for a ride, that’s natural, but I’m not sure I’d be so keen to go with his version.

I saw his car.
Then a few days later he sends the picture of it completely smashed up. In his locked garage. In his gated community. He couldn't have driven it there.

It could easily have been towed back to his, which seems the most likely explanation, especially if his wife didn’t know about you until last night. If she wanted them to stay together, she’d be unlikely to be randomly brutally vandalising his stuff. And if it’s undriveable, how would she have caused that much damage? Without causing distress to their severely autistic daughter, who are often sensitive to sounds?

It’s more likely he crashed. If she did do it, it’s far more likely that she discovered another one of his affairs than that she just smashed it up for fun.

Either way, he’s not available. He’s still married, and he lives with his wife. He may well have decided you’d be a good target because you’re also still married, so less likely to be bothered about that...

I am sorry, especially if you liked him, but I’d be running and not looking back.

Have you got car insurance!!

Have you actually spoken to him yet since you've been getting these witheld calls and text messages? Do you think he knows she texted you from his phone?

I always wondered how my ex son in law managed to find another woman to be with him after his marriage broke up. There would have been red flags aplenty. Now I know.

There is such a thing as reactive abuse. Whilst we should not condone violence from either sex, deliberate, ongoing and long term manipulation, verbal abuse, lying, cheating, stealing money, gaslighting and baiting/goading has a negative effect on a person's psyche, and the subsequent meltdown will obviously look 'unhinged'. Reactive abuse is a psychologically recognised reaction to damaging behaviour. It's really not a like for like' situation.

If she (the wife) is living elsewhere why is she so concerned about him selling the house that only he lives at?? If she was desperate to keep the house she would never have left surely? And if - as he is implying to you - she is psycho then maybe he should be rather more concerned about his autistic daughter. Why aren't the wife and daughter in the house especially if the daughter doesn't like change? He wasn't bothered about keeping that status quo it seems.

I would imagine he's a complete and utter liar. I doubt the wife lives elsewhere otherwise she'd want the house sold so she could have her half of the money. I'd run very, very fast and block the lot of them. I expect you're one of many.

OP, walk away.

You have no evidence that his wife (NOT an ex, I'm certain) has caused any damage, but you do have evidence he's been lying, simply based on his claims.

And if you want to know, then when she calls again, just ask her why she trashed the car. I bet you'll hear things very different to what he's been telling you.

@lubeybooby

drop and run because either

1. he's been lying and fabricating things

or

2. she really is unhinged

or

3. bit of both

Either way you don't want that bullshitty drama in your life

I think this sums it up really and if he is genuine, he should stay away from dating until he's actually free.

Either way cut your losses OP.