Got a message from 'the wife'

[HoldThatThoughtNow]

I've read about these on here before. Never thought I'd end up in this situation...

Been seeing a guy from old for about a month. Nothing crazy. Mostly walks and now a few meals outside.

I saw him this week and he said it was complicated. His wife still had a room in the house. But she has another place to stay with their daughter. Their daughter has autism. I don't know the details but that she finds change stressful and so they've been keeping the status quo for her sake.

Of course he said they're not sleeping together etc. It's been years.

Today I get a text from his phone from his wife. Saying they're together. That they had sex last night. She's not angry with me but I need to know he'll drop me and move on, he does this a lot etc.

This doesn't tally with stuff he's shown me about her. I don't want to go into details as it's way too obvious but he's shown me stuff that she's done which is off the scale crazy ex.

She's given me her number to call.

Wtf? I feel like I've wandered into an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

Why are you allowing this in your life ?

@HoldThatThoughtNow

Strictly speaking I'm still married so no that wasn't a massive red flag. Two years on and neither of us have sorted it out. Doesn't mean I'm having an affair. We're over and neither of us intends on getting back together.

I don't know it was her who damaged it no. But the car was in his locked garage. So someone who has access. Him, her and adult children.

You don't know that though, you only know that's what he told you and he also told you they were separated...

Than*

Whether it's true or not you don't need this drama. It would never stop. It's only been a month so take control, end it, and move on.

Oh my god.

Yes I believe him because he sent me a picture of his car in the garage.

He lives in a gated community. So even if the bloody garage wasn't locked no one off the street could get in. It is in mn parlance a 'naice' area.

The way it was damaged it couldn't have been driven there. It is undrivable. It was damaged in the garage.

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

You're having an affair with a married man and trying to justify it to yourself. It is the lowest of the low. Have some self respect and walk away.

“ Do you think you deserve kindness?”

Antique do you really have to be so downright nasty?
The OP is upset enough over all this, without you putting your tuppence in.

Just hope that if you ever need some “kindness” in your life, people aren’t as nasty to you as you are to the OP....on second thoughts scrap that, maybe you do deserve the same treatment as you are giving the OP!

Just had a no id number calling me

Fucks sake

You may be one of many op!!!!

It sounds like he is a player if she wants to speak to you, and 'has been here before' in the past with him. She sounds like someone used to his games and affairs.

You sound very willing to believe him about the car - why? Are you so desperate that you will keep a man of serious questionable integrity with a set up that sounds pretty hellish and dishonest and messed up to me, even with all the stress if will clearly bring to your life, you are still even thinking about it?!

Best case scenario if you give him a chance are years of lies, angst from this wife and trouble.

'Crazy ex' is always a massive red flag

You really will never know and I hate the phrase. IF she is acting in an out of order way that will 9/10 be because HE has sent her 'crazy' And if it isn't because of him (IT IS!!!) then he should be supporting her mental health as the mother of his child. Do not engage with either of them for a 1 month relationship

Seriously these men will always insist they have “crazy” ex wives. Makes you wonder if it’s true what has driven them crazy...maybe it’s been years of living with manipulation, lies and abuse from the man they love?!

I would phone her because I wouldn't be able to let it go until I had, but I'd stop seeing him no matter what, because as many have already said, you don't want to be involved in all of that, no matter where the truth lies.

It's been a month, get out now, it's not going to get any easier!

Just end it now and walk away. Regardless of who is telling the truth you don't need this kind of aggro in your life.

Sorry this has happened to you

I'd have to ask him... if she's so crazy, why did you marry her and have a child with her?

I saw a meme the other day it it was basically this separated = married, estranged = married, sleeping in separate bedrooms = still married, I don’t love her anymore = still married, I’m just there for the kids = still married she doesn’t do abc = still married etc etc

They’re married and they clearly have a complex relationships. Get out before this drags you down. I am sorry because I know it’ll hurt but it will get worse if you stay.

@HoldThatThoughtNow

Oh my god.

Yes I believe him because he sent me a picture of his car in the garage.

He lives in a gated community. So even if the bloody garage wasn't locked no one off the street could get in. It is in mn parlance a 'naice' area.

The way it was damaged it couldn't have been driven there. It is undrivable. It was damaged in the garage.

Yeah I'd be running away from this complete mess of a situation. Relationships shouldn't come with this much drama. Did he call the police? Has he held her accountable? Or did he have sex with her instead

So much of it makes no sense OP, is he really worth all this?

He's bitching about / sharing personal details of someone he still lives with to you (a relative stranger) in a way that makes you judge her. That's not great behaviour whichever way he spins it.

Finish things with him, block and delete and leave them both to get on with it. Jesus. Look after yourself op, and don't go near them. It sounds very unhealthy and disturbing to me. Find someone without of this baggage.

I don't know it was her who damaged it no. But the car was in his locked garage

How do you know it was locked in the garage, or even that this damage was recent? Unless you've seen the actual car since it could have been something that happened ages ago

Anyway this simply isn't worth it - as everyone else has said, just get rid

What a lot of drama...

It is only a month, you are not invested, you are not committed you are not even in love yet, thank your lucky stars you found out when it did, and you can get out so easily.

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I don't know it was her who damaged it no. But the car was in his locked garage

How do you know it was locked in the garage, or even that this damage was recent? Unless you've seen the actual car since it could have been something that happened ages ago

Anyway this simply isn't worth it - as everyone else has said, just get rid

I've explained that.

I saw his car.
Then a few days later he sends the picture of it completely smashed up. In his locked garage. In his gated community. He couldn't have driven it there.

I have absolutely no doubt that happened this week. But before she found out about me.

I'm not saying I'm defending him by the way. Just that there are some things that don't make sense. I am hearing what you're saying.

[quote HoldThatThoughtNow]@CokeDrinker

No I get that. If the vandalism had been a result of finding out about me.

But it wasn't. She said she only found out about me last night. The vandalism happened last week.

Fuck it yes it was his car. I know it happened then as I'd seen his car the week before. [/quote]
What makes you think that you are the only one he has been cheating with? The attack on the car might be about other women. (We know what a man's car is a symbol of :) )

How will he be describing you to 'the wife' and others do you think?

@HoldThatThoughtNow

Oh my god.

Yes I believe him because he sent me a picture of his car in the garage.

He lives in a gated community. So even if the bloody garage wasn't locked no one off the street could get in. It is in mn parlance a 'naice' area.

The way it was damaged it couldn't have been driven there. It is undrivable. It was damaged in the garage.

OP will you listen to yourself.

Early days in a relationship and your thoughts are consumed by whether or not his ex damaged his car!

Going against the grain - maybe she is as he describes. Contacting you and telling you, explicitly, that they had sex seems very, very odd.

I'd tell him she contacted you and what she said.

I'd then say that until she is well out of his life you are not interested.

Proof that she is out of his life will be the divorce certificate and a tour around his house.

Unless you just want to run because it sounds like whatever way you spin it he's got baggage.

If she speaks to you tell her in no uncertain terms you are not interested and if she comes anywhere near you you will be seeking legal advice (I'm not sure what you can do - but if she has wrecked his car then you don't want her anywhere near you).

Sorry - but her actions do sound very odd to me.

Even if this is true, it's a red flag that he thinks he is in a position to date.