Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Got a message from 'the wife'

261 replies

HoldThatThoughtNow · 02/05/2021 09:26

I've read about these on here before. Never thought I'd end up in this situation...

Been seeing a guy from old for about a month. Nothing crazy. Mostly walks and now a few meals outside.

I saw him this week and he said it was complicated. His wife still had a room in the house. But she has another place to stay with their daughter. Their daughter has autism. I don't know the details but that she finds change stressful and so they've been keeping the status quo for her sake.

Of course he said they're not sleeping together etc. It's been years.

Today I get a text from his phone from his wife. Saying they're together. That they had sex last night. She's not angry with me but I need to know he'll drop me and move on, he does this a lot etc.

This doesn't tally with stuff he's shown me about her. I don't want to go into details as it's way too obvious but he's shown me stuff that she's done which is off the scale crazy ex.

She's given me her number to call.

Wtf? I feel like I've wandered into an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

OP posts:
Nodal · 02/05/2021 10:06

I can't believe you even fell for this for a minute. So he showed you a picture of a smashed up car or whatever that she has done. Does that make her "unhinged" or incredible angry and let down that he's been caught fucking around, again?

LunaNorth · 02/05/2021 10:08

Run for the hills.

When you get to the hills, call a taxi to the train station.

When you get off the train, jump on an aeroplane.

Just keep going until this fake human is a dot on the horizon, then keep going some more until the horizon is a dot.

There is no permutation of this situation that is worth having in your life. You want safe and sane? This is not that.

Fabiofatshaft1 · 02/05/2021 10:09

Context

Is so important. Does it occur to you that she has trashed his stuff because she might just be a loving and faithful wife who has been cheated on and deceived so many times, she’s finally flipped and he’s showed you the result !?

Him: ‘ look, here is a photo of what she did, she’s a psycho ‘

‘ But you are completely the opposite. Lovely, sweet, beautiful, sexy, I’d like a deep and meaningful relationship with you.......Errm when can we sleep together !? ‘

Do you really need or want the ‘ Jeremy Kyle circus ‘ in your life !?

Date someone else.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/05/2021 10:13

@Fabiofatshaft1

Context

Is so important. Does it occur to you that she has trashed his stuff because she might just be a loving and faithful wife who has been cheated on and deceived so many times, she’s finally flipped and he’s showed you the result !?

Him: ‘ look, here is a photo of what she did, she’s a psycho ‘

‘ But you are completely the opposite. Lovely, sweet, beautiful, sexy, I’d like a deep and meaningful relationship with you.......Errm when can we sleep together !? ‘

Do you really need or want the ‘ Jeremy Kyle circus ‘ in your life !?

Date someone else.

👏👏👏👏
midsomermurderess · 02/05/2021 10:13

I would never get involved with a man whose wife still has a room in his house and clearly has a complicated family situation. What are you doing there, in that scenario?

RampantIvy · 02/05/2021 10:14

Have you dumped him yet?

BeyondMyWits · 02/05/2021 10:15

He's living with his wife and child, and having affairs. She engages in psycho behaviour. He is continuing to live there with his CHILD and a psycho. He has not removed his child from that environment. There are many red flags.

Walk away, block.

Scrumptiousbears · 02/05/2021 10:17

If she did have sex with him last night he probably fell asleep and she's gone through his phone.

Have you heard from him yet?

I agree it's best to walk away either way but personally I'd like closer and need to know it's what a mug I've been.

1WayOrAnother2 · 02/05/2021 10:17

If he really was a lovely man would he burden you (and shame her) by telling you (so soon) about the unhinged behaviour of an ex?

I'd be wondering if 'unhinged' meant shocked and horrified to find herself betrayed by a lying cheat!

CokeDrinker · 02/05/2021 10:19

@HoldThatThoughtNow

Thanks everyone.

@AttilaTheMeerkat that made me laugh. Yes there are red flags a go go...!

To those saying he's calling her unhinged. He has never said that. He said she has a fiery temper.

I really can't say as it's too outing. But he showed me a photo of something she'd done this week. Think tens of thousands of pounds of damage on something personal to him. It's my interpretation that she is unhinged. It was utterly vindictive.

So because she, as his wife, found out her husband had been cheating and she lashed out and damaged something of his, that makes her 'unhinged'? Really? Hers was a perfectly normal response, who has never heard of wives throwing their husband's things on the footpath, for example? Or the many videos of women writing 'cheater' all over his car? Or ripping/cutting/spilling paint on his clothes? She has been wronged, she has been hurt. She is allowed to feel how she feels. Lashing out at his belongings is bog standard normal reactions. (and far better his items than damaging/hurting/killing him). It might not be an admirable thing to do, what she did, but it is a NORMAL REACTION. She is not 'unhinged', she is a hurting and betrayed wife and mother. If you are that lacking in empathy and unable to understand her reaction, then that's on you.

But she is definitely not 'unhinged'. If she is, almost 100% of all women who have been cheated on are 'unhinged' as well.

No, she's normal. And so are the rest of betrayed women.

Original poster
HoldThatThoughtNow · 02/05/2021 10:19

Sorry when I say daughter she's not a child.

She's in her 20s but quite severely autistic. I haven't asked too much.

His children are all grown up.

OP posts:
CokeDrinker · 02/05/2021 10:20

@1WayOrAnother2

If he really was a lovely man would he burden you (and shame her) by telling you (so soon) about the unhinged behaviour of an ex?

I'd be wondering if 'unhinged' meant shocked and horrified to find herself betrayed by a lying cheat!

I'd be wondering if 'unhinged' meant shocked and horrified to find herself betrayed by a lying cheat!

This. Basically it just means normal, to me.

ballsdeep · 02/05/2021 10:21

Tbh whenever I've heard about a crazy ex, it's usually all the lying and deciet the husband does to make it this way

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 02/05/2021 10:21

You're having an affair with a married man and trying to justify it to yourself. It is the lowest of the low. Have some self respect and walk away.

Mumoblue · 02/05/2021 10:21

Uh, why are you convinced that it ISN’T an “affair situation”, it kinda sounds exactly like one.
They’re married and still living together, did you have confirmation from her that they were actually separated or are you just going from what he said?

Either way, run as fast as you can! Sounds like a mess that you don’t need to be mixed up in.

Original poster
HoldThatThoughtNow · 02/05/2021 10:21

@CokeDrinker

No I get that. If the vandalism had been a result of finding out about me.

But it wasn't. She said she only found out about me last night. The vandalism happened last week.

Fuck it yes it was his car. I know it happened then as I'd seen his car the week before.

OP posts:
ThePlantsitter · 02/05/2021 10:22

Although I think everyone's right about the man I don't think you need to feel stupid. You just mistakenly assigned him the nice morals you have! But it would be stupid to get involved further, which you're not, because you're not stupid. Nurse your wounds and then on to the next I say Flowers

Original poster
HoldThatThoughtNow · 02/05/2021 10:22

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

You're having an affair with a married man and trying to justify it to yourself. It is the lowest of the low. Have some self respect and walk away.
So kind. Thanks for that!
OP posts:
Butwasitherdriveway · 02/05/2021 10:23

[quote HoldThatThoughtNow]@CokeDrinker

No I get that. If the vandalism had been a result of finding out about me.

But it wasn't. She said she only found out about me last night. The vandalism happened last week.

Fuck it yes it was his car. I know it happened then as I'd seen his car the week before. [/quote]
You don't know anything about what actually happened and when though.

autumnalrain · 02/05/2021 10:23

Why are you defending a man you’ve only known for a month? Why is he even showing you that she vandalised his car? You’re in way too deep.

CokeDrinker · 02/05/2021 10:24

@Fabiofatshaft1

Context

Is so important. Does it occur to you that she has trashed his stuff because she might just be a loving and faithful wife who has been cheated on and deceived so many times, she’s finally flipped and he’s showed you the result !?

Him: ‘ look, here is a photo of what she did, she’s a psycho ‘

‘ But you are completely the opposite. Lovely, sweet, beautiful, sexy, I’d like a deep and meaningful relationship with you.......Errm when can we sleep together !? ‘

Do you really need or want the ‘ Jeremy Kyle circus ‘ in your life !?

Date someone else.

Does it occur to you that she has trashed his stuff because she might just be a loving and faithful wife who has been cheated on and deceived so many times, she’s finally flipped and he’s showed you the result !?

This 100 times. So she flipped and damaged something of his, that is NORMAL, not sure why OP thinks that is 'unhinged'. Unhinged, to me, would be dating a man who used the 'oh we are separated but still live in the same house' oldest trick in the book. I mean, come ON! Who even falls for that, these days? You'd have to be unhinged or gullible to fall for that, it is the oldest, oldest line.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 02/05/2021 10:24

Do you think you deserve kindness?

Embracingthechaos · 02/05/2021 10:24

One of two scenarios is going on;

Scenario 1 - He's lying to you. He is married with a child. You are the mistress. You know how this one ends. Don't even go there.

Scenario 2 - He's telling the truth. This would make his ex a jealous, shit stirring liar who also lives with him and has a child with him. It will be a huge, complicated mess that you don't want to get involved in.

Basically, either way, it's not worth continuing anything with this man.

beachsidecafe · 02/05/2021 10:24

It doesn't matter how or why the vandalism happened, you have no idea it was even her, it could have another woman that was thoroughly fed up with his behaviour....you seem to be happy to believe anything he tells you.

Run for the hills and some, this is going to end very badly either way and if you are looking for safe and sane, this is really not it!!!

You will be sucked into their psycho drama, and will never find the long lasting peace and love you are looking for.

PickAChew · 02/05/2021 10:25

You believe the "crazy ex" line?

His wife may or may not be but you will become one, as soon as he gets bored of you.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.