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Original poster

Got a message from 'the wife'

261 replies

HoldThatThoughtNow · 02/05/2021 09:26

I've read about these on here before. Never thought I'd end up in this situation...

Been seeing a guy from old for about a month. Nothing crazy. Mostly walks and now a few meals outside.

I saw him this week and he said it was complicated. His wife still had a room in the house. But she has another place to stay with their daughter. Their daughter has autism. I don't know the details but that she finds change stressful and so they've been keeping the status quo for her sake.

Of course he said they're not sleeping together etc. It's been years.

Today I get a text from his phone from his wife. Saying they're together. That they had sex last night. She's not angry with me but I need to know he'll drop me and move on, he does this a lot etc.

This doesn't tally with stuff he's shown me about her. I don't want to go into details as it's way too obvious but he's shown me stuff that she's done which is off the scale crazy ex.

She's given me her number to call.

Wtf? I feel like I've wandered into an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

OP posts:
Original poster
HoldThatThoughtNow · 02/05/2021 10:25

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

Do you think you deserve kindness?
Well not from you clearly...!
OP posts:
CokeDrinker · 02/05/2021 10:25

[quote HoldThatThoughtNow]@CokeDrinker

No I get that. If the vandalism had been a result of finding out about me.

But it wasn't. She said she only found out about me last night. The vandalism happened last week.

Fuck it yes it was his car. I know it happened then as I'd seen his car the week before. [/quote]
Perhaps she knew he was cheating, but didn't know who it was with? That would explain her damaging his car. She maybe saw him with you or heard about it, but didn't yet know who with.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/05/2021 10:26

@CokeDrinker that is not normal behaviour.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 02/05/2021 10:26

Even if everything he says is 100% accurate, why would you want to get yourself involved in all this mess?

FeeLock · 02/05/2021 10:26

OP, imagine you are she - as this man describes her - your estranged husband/co-parent starts a new relationship. This doesn't affect his ability to care for your child. Regardless of your personal feelings for him, wouldn't you wish him the best, as at the very least this would give you license to do the same with your life?

In reality, I'm sure that they are both editing the truth and I think you're entitled to walk away from a situation that, given their daughter's needs, is unlikely to be resolved any time soon. You deserve to share your life with someone who is emotionally free to do so.

Lozzerbmc · 02/05/2021 10:26

Dont be hard on yourself, you are not an idiot. You trusted what he said, but as others have said big red flags here with bells on.

Best to block both, put it down to experience and move on.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 02/05/2021 10:27

Woah, this is a huge mess and I'd be running for the hills.

You've got no idea what happened to the car, whether it was her (weird, why would he stick around if she had done thousands of pounds worth of damage to his car?) or whether it was someone else and he's conveniently using it to show you how 'firey' her temper is. I'd bet on the latter.

You deserve happiness, and something safe and sane, but this isn't it. If she's everything he says she is (which I strongly doubt) then I'd still be running away because no one needs that much baggage in a new relationship. If he wants to date he needs to properly split from his 'ex'.

Lovemusic33 · 02/05/2021 10:28

I would just walk away. I feel sorry for his wife tbh because it sounds like he has done this many times before yet she still stays with him Sad.

I have been dating someone who I have suspicions about too, his wife has cheated on him twice, he says he’s been separated for a while but not divorced, he’s now saying he maybe homeless soon and will have to move back in with her. Wouldn’t surprise me if they get back together so I won’t be taking things further with him. Men are great at bending the truth and lying, I’m sure women do it too.

Hoppinggreen · 02/05/2021 10:29

There’s his version, her version and then there’s the truth
Do you really want to get in the middle of it?

CatherinedeBourgh · 02/05/2021 10:30

It’s amazing how when a man becomes violent and trashes something he’s showing his true self but when a woman does it it must have been something the man did. Unreal. Talk about victim blaming.

However, you do have to ask yourself if this man is nice enough to warrant the baggage he brings. If you really like him, perhaps you can tell him to take the time to set up a clean break situation with his ex, and come back when that is sorted and then if you both still want it you can look at a relationship. His response will tell you more than anyone can on this thread.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 02/05/2021 10:30

Do you know the damage to the car was done by her? Or has he just said it was?

Either way, too much drama, walk away

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 02/05/2021 10:31

He is married. He is still living with his wife.
That is literally all you need to know. As soon as you found that out, you should have walked

It is a completely black and white situation.

It is of no relevance how unhinged she is, or how unhappy he is or whatever line he is spinning.
He is married. Walk away.

OnlyInYourDreams · 02/05/2021 10:34

Even if this situation is anything like he describes, this can never be a relationship can it?

He and the wife live together with an adult child with severe SN. So there isn’t going to be a magical point when the child moves out and they can separate amicably etc. This is going to be it, forever.

No going away together, no staying over at his, no ever having a permanent life together. Not to mention the messy relationship he’s in.

It’s likely that the truth here sits somewhere in the middle. He may well be in a violent and abusive relationship. He may be a serial cheat, In truth there is no way of knowing definitively what the truth is, so your only real option here is to walk away from this. No good can ever come of you staying.

10YellowTulips · 02/05/2021 10:35

The truth is probably half way between what each of them is saying.

Either way, like everyone has said, just get out of this mess while its still early days.

WildfirePonie · 02/05/2021 10:36

Hmmm.... so what damage was done to the car? Hope you have dumped him.

Original poster
HoldThatThoughtNow · 02/05/2021 10:37

Strictly speaking I'm still married so no that wasn't a massive red flag. Two years on and neither of us have sorted it out. Doesn't mean I'm having an affair. We're over and neither of us intends on getting back together.

I don't know it was her who damaged it no. But the car was in his locked garage. So someone who has access. Him, her and adult children.

OP posts:
Watchingstars88 · 02/05/2021 10:37

OP, I echo the previous posters here who say get out of this mess now. If you don't, you'll become embroiled in their drama and bogged down with it all and I think you will regret it if you stay. You can do better, you deserve better so move on now while it's in the early stages. Honestly not worth the hassle or bother, leave them to it.

Nodal · 02/05/2021 10:38

If I found out my husband had cheated on me, again, after assurances it would not happen again, I'd probably break something too. My friends husband had an affair, pretending he was golfing with friends. The woman was an old school friend and she got in touch and harassed them both. At one point she showed my friend texts saying she doesn't understand me, we're in separate bedrooms, haven't had sec for years and all that bollocks. She was 8 month pregnabt at the time! After years of trauma they stayed together (mainly because of the baby) and he promised it would never happen again. A few years later he begged her to let him go back to playing golf at the weekends as it was "his passion". Of course he then got caught shagging the girl that worked behind the bar at the golf club. My friend smashed up his clubs and I damn well would have too!

nimbuscloud · 02/05/2021 10:38

But the car was in his locked garage.

So he says.
Does he wear a condom if you have sex with him?

Noirdesir · 02/05/2021 10:39

Isn’t it odd how all these men have such crazy “psycho” exes and yet they chose to have kids with them and this one still lives with her!!
Almost makes you wonder if they’re telling the truth......... 🤔

PriestessofPing · 02/05/2021 10:39

I agree with others. Who knows what really happened to his car, when exactly it happened and why. Maybe she did do it but it was not in response to finding out about you but some other woman (or more). Maybe she’s truly some kind of mega violent person who is lying about still being with him (seems doubtful - the old live together but separate lives trope).

Whatever the truth of those two is you at least have one truth to go on - this is not safe or sane as you were hoping for. So definitely walk away. Sorry you’ve had such a nasty shock.

MusicMenu · 02/05/2021 10:39

IMO an unhinged ex is always a red flag in itself. I mean how many truly unhinged women do you know v the number of men who seem to have unhinged exes?

As is anyone who has split but still lives in the same house as ex. Again whatever the reason, how can that be a healthy situation for anyone?

WildfirePonie · 02/05/2021 10:40

@HoldThatThoughtNow

Strictly speaking I'm still married so no that wasn't a massive red flag. Two years on and neither of us have sorted it out. Doesn't mean I'm having an affair. We're over and neither of us intends on getting back together.

I don't know it was her who damaged it no. But the car was in his locked garage. So someone who has access. Him, her and adult children.

So he says the car was locked in the garage and you believe him? You've known him for one month. He's full of shit.
takemetothelakes · 02/05/2021 10:41

[quote HoldThatThoughtNow]@CokeDrinker

No I get that. If the vandalism had been a result of finding out about me.

But it wasn't. She said she only found out about me last night. The vandalism happened last week.

Fuck it yes it was his car. I know it happened then as I'd seen his car the week before. [/quote]
You don't know why it happened though. She may well have lost her shit at him and wrongly damaged his prized possession. This could well be because she's found out about something, even if that isn't you.

Who knows who else he's been talking to online.

I'd always want to know what drove all these women to become the crazy bitches their exes describe them as.

Run for the hills.

Regularsizedrudy · 02/05/2021 10:42

I know a lot more men who have affairs that mentally deranged women. Wake up.

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