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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just left my husband and now he has emptied our bank account

203 replies

Imi9 · 30/04/2021 20:59

My husband was at times borderline abusive towards me and was beginning to be towards our 3 year old daughter. I managed to gain the courage to leave him on Wednesday and I now me and my children (3 year old daughter and 1 year old son) are at my parents house. He has now emptied our joint account. I've tried calling and texting him about it and he won't answer. I am just not sure at all what to do. All our money was in there. I'm just in shock he has done that. Also I just have no idea what to do with myself now, I am a SAHM and have no source of income. My parents said they can support us in the short term but I'm just screwed. I had no idea how to try and get this sorted before and was really scared then but now I am even more panicky. I know I need to get a solicator but I just have no idea what to expect or what will happen.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/05/2021 15:09

I'd push back and say something along the lines of "DHS aggression towards me was gradual, and became worse each time. I swore to myself if I saw it starting with the children, I would remove them and us from him so that it couldn't follow the same path. It will. Therefore he requires supervision so it cannot spiral as it did with me"

Brokenpencilsarepointless · 04/05/2021 15:48

There is a high burden of proof to get supervised visits ordered by a court. There needs to be, to prevent children being used as weapons and people demanding supervised visits as a way to get back at their ex. Even after physical abuse of a mother, if the children weren't abused then supervised visits arent always ordered. It will be very very difficult for you to get them. People on here are being supportive, but misguided by getting your hopes up over this. It's something you're going to have to accept, and prepare your daughter for.

It can always be revisited if he gets worse and she starts being vocal about it as she grows.

Original poster
Imi9 · 04/05/2021 17:04

Just realised after we left I sent him a text explaining that we had left and why we were leaving and he sent loads of incriminating texts and voicemails back getting angry and saying stuff like 'maybe I shouldn't have been getting that mad at her but you are far too fucking nice to them and they need some fucking discipline' and 'you're a stupid bitch you think you're so fucking clever but you're actually dumb as fuck'. I'd basically ignored them to didn't think of them, can't believe I forgot about that. Never been so pleased at remembering I'd been sent nasty texts

OP posts:
Egghead81 · 04/05/2021 17:29

@Imi9

Just realised after we left I sent him a text explaining that we had left and why we were leaving and he sent loads of incriminating texts and voicemails back getting angry and saying stuff like 'maybe I shouldn't have been getting that mad at her but you are far too fucking nice to them and they need some fucking discipline' and 'you're a stupid bitch you think you're so fucking clever but you're actually dumb as fuck'. I'd basically ignored them to didn't think of them, can't believe I forgot about that. Never been so pleased at remembering I'd been sent nasty texts
Ensure you keep them
Original poster
Imi9 · 04/05/2021 17:32

Already screenshotted/recorded them and sent them to my solicitor.

OP posts:
Miasicarisatia · 04/05/2021 17:54

Never been so pleased at remembering I'd been sent nasty texts
he just luuuuvres to shoot himself in the foot doesnt he.
Stay calm and stay in control Imi9

waitingforthenextseason · 04/05/2021 17:56

@Imi9

Just realised after we left I sent him a text explaining that we had left and why we were leaving and he sent loads of incriminating texts and voicemails back getting angry and saying stuff like 'maybe I shouldn't have been getting that mad at her but you are far too fucking nice to them and they need some fucking discipline' and 'you're a stupid bitch you think you're so fucking clever but you're actually dumb as fuck'. I'd basically ignored them to didn't think of them, can't believe I forgot about that. Never been so pleased at remembering I'd been sent nasty texts
Delighted he sent them and you've screenshotted them.

Who's the stupid one now?

Glad you've already gotten legal advice.
What did she say about the bank accounts being emptied?

BlackDaffodil · 04/05/2021 18:39

So glad you remembered those texts, save everything. Flowers

Original poster
Imi9 · 04/05/2021 18:42

She was a lot more optimistic about the money she said that's clearly joint and therefore I'll get at least 5050. In terms of maintenance money this was very much dependant on how much childcare he did and if we can now get supervised only this will mean I get more. And she also said that it she thinks its very likely that we could move back into the house if we wanted to. So everything other than the supervised access only thing went great and now we can hopefully sort that out easily

OP posts:
Fabiofatshaft1 · 04/05/2021 19:09

One step at a time, one day at a time, it’s sounds like you had a great day and a great result.

The supervised access thing will be resolved. The texts you’ve remembered and sent to your solicitor will throw a completely different light on the issue.

The cunt maybe smug at the moment but the letters from your solicitor will be landing in his lap, any day now......

The shit weasel will definitely shit himself !!!!

Blacktothepink · 04/05/2021 19:23

👏👏👏

samanthaC15 · 04/05/2021 20:04
Daffodil
Original poster
Imi9 · 04/05/2021 20:45

Thanks everyone you guys have helped me so much!

I now feel I am now on top of all my immediate problems

OP posts:
Original poster
Imi9 · 04/05/2021 20:49

Now all I need is to somehow find a job again having been out of work for 3.5 years and then after that somehow manage to be a single mum while hopefully working again!

OP posts:
itsme · 04/05/2021 21:04

You've got this 💪🏻 you are stronger than you think. When I first was on my own it was tricky at first but I got there, if I can anyone can.

Wallywobbles · 04/05/2021 21:09

Please take this on board.

Everything needs to be documented in terms of abuse. Whether thats with the police or a doctor or a psychiatrist.

There may be a time not far in the future when you fear for your kids safety as they have to go to their dads. And the best way to get at you will always be through them.

We were in and out of court 5 times over 9 years before my DCs dad lost parental responsibility. He loves the kids but he's so damaged and damaging. Steps now can save you all a lot of damage later.

BlackDaffodil · 04/05/2021 23:18

Crikey this is a positive thread.. good on you OP, you took all the brilliant advice suggested and used it quickly.

Credit to you 🌺

minou123 · 04/05/2021 23:26

@Imi9

Now all I need is to somehow find a job again having been out of work for 3.5 years and then after that somehow manage to be a single mum while hopefully working again!
You are doing brilliantly Flowers

Before you start job hunting, are you financially in a rush to get a job?

What I mean is, is this a good time to maybe re-train or apply for something you have always wanted to do?

I don't know if this is helpful and maybe it isn't Blush, but if for example you have always wanted to be a nurse or a teacher or an accountant etc, it might be worth having a look at student financial aid and using this opportunity to do something different if you want to.

I don't know, but the world is your oyster Grin

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 04/05/2021 23:33

Get you OP 💪😀

Hopefully the screenshots will sway things in your favour regarding access

Fabiofatshaft1 · 05/05/2021 12:45

You are bloody brilliant !!!!

Who wouldn’t hire you !?

Boris’ position is looking a bit shaky at the moment 😉

LomasLongstriderJnr · 05/05/2021 12:54

Op I'm glad things are going so well for you, on and up! Flowers

UCOinanOCG · 05/05/2021 13:10

Well done OP for being so pro-active. I am sure you will find a job.

SomebodyThatIUsedToKnow3 · 05/05/2021 13:48

Might be too complex an explanation, my eldest is older. When he asked why Daddy behaved that way, scary angry, I explained to him that he's probably reacting that way because that's what his parent/s did when he was a child. That we learn reactions from parents and he didn't learn how to deal with his anger in a better way.

Original poster
Imi9 · 05/05/2021 14:00

@itsme

You've got this 💪🏻 you are stronger than you think. When I first was on my own it was tricky at first but I got there, if I can anyone can.
Thanks! But don't put yourself down! I don't think anyone can do this and you've obviously been amazing for your child. I am sure there are loads of things you can do that not everyone can!
OP posts:
Original poster
Imi9 · 05/05/2021 14:06

@minou123
Thank you! I'm not in a massive rush to get a job. I was an admin assistant and didn't really enjoy that particuarly. Not really ever had dream job but that is a great suggestion I'll have a think

OP posts: