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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I just left my husband and now he has emptied our bank account

203 replies

Imi9 · 30/04/2021 20:59

My husband was at times borderline abusive towards me and was beginning to be towards our 3 year old daughter. I managed to gain the courage to leave him on Wednesday and I now me and my children (3 year old daughter and 1 year old son) are at my parents house. He has now emptied our joint account. I've tried calling and texting him about it and he won't answer. I am just not sure at all what to do. All our money was in there. I'm just in shock he has done that. Also I just have no idea what to do with myself now, I am a SAHM and have no source of income. My parents said they can support us in the short term but I'm just screwed. I had no idea how to try and get this sorted before and was really scared then but now I am even more panicky. I know I need to get a solicator but I just have no idea what to expect or what will happen.

OP posts:
Thelittleweasel · 01/05/2021 18:01

With a joint account what he has shittily done is quite legal. It has great advantages when someone dies in that the money passes by survivourship and does not need probate but there is also a downside if you do not - as here - have trust in the other person

Blacktothepink · 01/05/2021 18:09

He’s shot himself in the foot behaving as he has!

Egghead81 · 01/05/2021 18:37

@Imi9

Thanks so much you guys are so helpful! I have now applied to open up a bank account and I have sorted out universal credit going into my parents account. I need to do child maintenance over the phone so will do that on Tuesday and also try to contact a solicator. He earns is quite a high earner which ig makes what he is doing even worse but hopefully means I can get money later from him. I don't think I can really contact a solicator to Tuesday. I had the potientially stupid idea of phoning his mum. I think maybe she might be able to talk him into behaving better but I think this will be very awkward and think it is probably stupid.
Universal credit will not be allowed to be paid in to your parents account
ScrollingLeaves · 01/05/2021 18:46

I agree with those who advise you not to try to communicate further with his mother. It could get very messy and difficult if you do and if she becomes effectively a go-between.

Wait for advice before letting him see the children. The reason you finally left was because of his verbal aggression turning on your daughter. It needs to be established that she would not be seeing him unsupervised.

You have been brave and strong.

tommyhoundmum · 01/05/2021 18:57

Well done OP. You have been very brave and you will get through. I wish you lots of luck for your future which will be much brighter.

MargotMoon · 01/05/2021 18:57

It sounds to me like your DD is worrying that it was her fault that he shouted and therefore you left him. It's an important conversation to keep having with her that she has done nothing wrong. Her dad is half her world so she will think she's the cause of it all. Maybe explain that daddies shouldn't shout, that he was scaring you, and you were worried that he might hurt one of you, as that is something she might understand more than him being selfish

purpleleotard · 01/05/2021 19:17

Be brave
It will get better
Good luck

MrsPerfect12 · 01/05/2021 19:17

Get residency sorted for your children so you're protected if the children visit and he refuses to return them. Don't let them go without this in place.

marchez · 01/05/2021 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Imi9 · 01/05/2021 21:23

The thing that is troubling her most is that she doesn't understand why he was shouting at her. She understands why we left to go here but not why he was horrible to her. I was telling her I loved her and she asked me 'does daddy love me?' and I said yes. She then asked 'if daddy loves me why did he shout at me?' and I found this really hard to answer cause I don't know myself. I talked about how amazing she was and how nasty it was that he did that and how I was worried he might do it again and so we left and I told her he shouted at me too. But she asked again why did he shout at us and I just didn't know what to say to this as tbh I don't know myself and just was honest and said that I didn't know and that I'd been not understanding it too but I stressed that it was completely his fault and not either of ours. She understands why we left and I think she understands it is completely his fault but she just doesn't understand why he got angry and this is what is making her anxious and I just don't know what to say to this as I just don't know either.

OP posts:
SoloJazz · 01/05/2021 21:28

If you have a fb account please join this group www.facebook.com/groups/gentleparentsunite for help with what to tell your daughter. I'm sure you'll get good advice!

Fabiofatshaft1 · 01/05/2021 23:52

I’m always amazed at most of the women who post. Especially on a thread like this. Many are royally fucked by the most narcissistic and abusive of men, yet despite the hurt and abuse, put their children first and last. Get a grip and get things done. Respect.

You’ve had some brilliant advice but perhaps the most important was from. @CaveMum: From here on in, everything you do must be first and foremost for the children.

He’s obviously been abusing you. He’s started on his three year old daughter who senses her Daddy doesn’t love her and it’s not a massive leap of conjecture to think your son could be next.

You think you are in a hole. You are NOT !!!!!

You can gain access to benefits pretty quickly.

You ARE entitled to half that 40K The clue is in ‘ joint ‘. Get a message to him if he doesn’t repay half immediately, you’ll pass the bank statements to a SHL. That should shit him up.

You are also entitled to a pretty large share of the house equity.

If he’s a high earner, the CMS will tear him a new arsehole.

You don’t say he’s a loving father or a hands on father, but leaving you without a penny to feed and support the kids tells you AND us, all we need to know.

Things will get nasty, and it could be a long and bumpy road, but in court, a fair minded judge will cut his balls off.

He certainly deserves it.

Stay strong, follow the advice you’ve been given and get on it.

BlueVelvetStars · 01/05/2021 23:57

@Fabiofatshaft1

nailed it 🌺

OssieShowman · 02/05/2021 00:41

Be prepared for him to ‘re write the history of your relationship’. He will be likely telling others a different story.
Keep notes, and any contact, or texts he makes to you.

Mix56 · 02/05/2021 06:56

ideally don't speak to him. it will emotionally fuel any reasonable decisions
email & text only. that way you have everything in writing.
never respond when you are hurt, angry or broken with sadness. ever
Breath, leave it for the next day, when you have had time to think.
"Never reply in pyjamas" or after having a drink.
Nothing is ever "that" urgent, other than illness or injury to DC.
You are going to have to be reasonable with contact with DCs, obviously you don't want him seeing them, but legally you cannot refuse, unless police /judge/SS/authorities have agreed he is a danger to them.
& whilst you personally fear he can do them emotional damage, it is not, sadly, possible to prove it.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 02/05/2021 08:04

@unicornsarereal72

Be aware that if you have savings of more than £16k. You won't be entitled to universal credit. So it maybe beneficial to have the money and house issues dealt with in court/solicitor. Keep notes on everything. Get support and legal advice. As MN would say get your ducks in a row.
I was going to say this too. In the short term he can keep it as you’ll be entitled to more without it - then once the divorce is finalised you’ll get what’s fair and right. As long as he hasn’t spent it all! But as a high earner you should be entitled to a good chunk of CMS as long as he doesn’t try and claim 50/50 parenting. (With your son so young you could easily make a case for not doing this, and his recent behaviour will definitely show that he doesn’t have the kids best interests at heart, so all in all, he’s helping you here!)
marchez · 02/05/2021 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScrollingLeaves · 02/05/2021 09:21

“Mix56
“You are going to have to be reasonable with contact with DCs, obviously you don't want him seeing them, but legally you cannot refuse, unless police /judge/SS/authorities have agreed he is a danger to them.
& whilst you personally fear he can do them emotional damage, it is not, sadly, possible to prove it.“

This may be true, but only after legal advice and guidance from Children’s Services because it should be supervised contact only.

Imi9 · 02/05/2021 09:44

Thanks everyone for the great advice!
I am going to see a solicitor on Tuesday. Sorting out supervised contact only is number 1 on my list for that meeting. I am worried that he might want 50/50 but hopefully this won't happen
There is not a lot I can do till Tuesday. Today/tomorrow I am just going to try and keep this out of my mind and just have a nice day with my children

OP posts:
Fabiofatshaft1 · 02/05/2021 09:52

Op

@MarkRuffaloCrumble has a fair point about the 16k cap but I would still seek to get it. You said you can’t stay at your parents indefinitely and if you found a place of your own, by the time you had paid a bond / deposit and a months rent, you’d likely be around the 16K cap mark anyway or near to it.

But I think it’s going to be a moot point. Emptying the bank account shows he has absolutely no concern for you and the children at all. He is punishing the children AND you. He must be a real control freak.

And has for his Mother...... Jesus..... She talked him into giving you £200 !!!? She hasn’t supported you or the kids !? Either he has given her a completely lop side view of the facts or she’s as heartless as he is. I’m veering to the latter.

It’s a bank holiday weekend. Things are closed for a few days. Take the children out for a long walk. Take them to the park. Play with them. And don’t let more than two hours go by without telling them you love them.

Thank your parents for their support and tell them you love them. The love coming back from your children and your parents will lift you up !!!!

Then come Tuesday, get a grip, get on the phone, all day if you have to and get things done and don’t take any crap off anyone.......

Embellish things if you need to, I.e. ‘ Your parents say you can’t stay ‘ ‘ You’ve been cut off from money, your parents have no money and you need to live and support the children ‘ ‘ Your husband is being abusive ‘

My personal view is this: Get a SHL and get her, ( Get a woman solicitor and not a male one ) to write him a letter stating that since he had taken the 40K out of the joint account, he can keep it and you are going to seek full equity and possession of the house AND generous maintenance payments for the children AND spousal support AND a chunk of his pension AND you are prepared to go all the way to the high court !!!!

He’s been so fucking stupid it’s rediculous.......

He forced you out of the marital home by being abusive to you and abusive to your daughter.

He immediately emptied the bank accounts of 40K leaving you with no way to support your children.

He only put back in a paltry £200 after being advised, told by his mother.

Now......

When you get a solicitor, they will clap their hands with glee, because it will be money for old rope, it will be such an easy case to win, it’s untrue !!!!

Every thing he has done up to now has been indefensible !!!! If HE gets a solicitor, his solicitor will also clap his hands with glee thinking, ‘ I’m going to make some big money off this chump ‘

He thinks the ball is in his court, it isn’t !!!! The ball and the court and the pavilion are yours.

Enjoy a few days with the kids. Take your mind of the situation and think good, light thoughts.

Then come Tuesday under go a personality transformation for the sake of your children and chase things down like a rabid, starving she - wolf.....

Be strong.

Fabiofatshaft1 · 02/05/2021 09:53

Op

Great minds.....

omgthepain · 02/05/2021 09:56

@Imi9
I'd just like to say I think you're super brave and have done the right thing totally

It all seems daunting now but you'll get back on your feet in time and it's great you have parents to help you.

Once your solicitor has looked into things he will have to support you financially and things will get organised. Him doing this is just another way of him trying to control you.

One word of advice - if you need to go back for possessions at all; I'd go when he was out working and definitely with another person and literally run in, grab stuff and then go again don't hang around.

Sending virtual 🤗 hugs and best wishes

Miasicarisatia · 02/05/2021 10:45

a fair minded judge will cut his balls off
he thinks he's the alpha and it's going to be a walk in the park to get everything the way he wants it, he will be unprepared for this metaphorical castration 🙂

Thelnebriati · 02/05/2021 12:32

Bet you a tenner he comes out of this whining about how he's the victim though...

Miasicarisatia · 02/05/2021 12:38

Of course!
in his mind the only thing that's fair/ right is he has everything his way, anything less than that just feels 'wrong' to him, ergo (in his mind) he is the victim