I just left my husband and now he has emptied our bank account

[Imi9]

My husband was at times borderline abusive towards me and was beginning to be towards our 3 year old daughter. I managed to gain the courage to leave him on Wednesday and I now me and my children (3 year old daughter and 1 year old son) are at my parents house. He has now emptied our joint account. I've tried calling and texting him about it and he won't answer. I am just not sure at all what to do. All our money was in there. I'm just in shock he has done that. Also I just have no idea what to do with myself now, I am a SAHM and have no source of income. My parents said they can support us in the short term but I'm just screwed. I had no idea how to try and get this sorted before and was really scared then but now I am even more panicky. I know I need to get a solicator but I just have no idea what to expect or what will happen.

@Cleverpolly3

What did he do to your daughter?

He was just constantly having an huge go at her for the tiniest things. Like she didn't put away the lego and then he trod on a bit, and he just started shouting at her in a really aggressive and nasty way.

I'd tell his mum that you aren't interested in begging around for scraps. That half if that money is yours. Tell her that you will send her your mums account details and if he doesnt then wire your 20k share of the money within 24 hours, you will be going to the police.

The fucker wants you to ask for money every time you need some. That's what he is counting on. But you dont need to. It's your money and you'll get your share in time. Just focus on getting your child maintenance ect set up atm.

Yes the police might be limited in what they can do as it was a joint account but I'd call their bluff anyway. On the off chance he pays out. Either way though you'll get what is owed in time. And hopefully, so will he.

Make an appointment with the CAB. They will tell you about what benefits you are entitled to.

Keep a cool head and get all the paperwork and admin in order ASAP. The more you do now, the better off you will be.

I think I would send him an email saying he has taken all the money and if 1/2 of it is not returned to you, via your account, you will seek legal advice about it on Tuesday.

I guess you open your own bank account, put in a claim for Universal credit today and apply for child maintenance from him, and hope that he sees sense and returns some of the money. How much was in there?

I'd avoid all contact with him and his mum for now. See a solicitor before responding to them. You need to hear what the solicitor advises you to do and get an idea from them of what to expect. Remember he is not your friend, any communication when it resumes should be matter of fact - assume all communication may end up in court so look at it through that lens before sending.

On Universal credit you will get £645.72 per month ( assuming your dd was born after April 2017 ). It will go down at the end of September by approx £80 a month. Child maintenance would not affect the amount you receive from UC. Whilst living with your parents you would be able to earn £513 a month without it affecting the amount of Uc you get and you could get help with childcare costs.

Don’t text his mum anything, why are posters trying to get OP to get into a messy text exchange with his mother ffs!

If you do want to acknowledge your ex mil’s text, just text back something innocuous like thank you for listening, but don’t get into details or throwing threats or insults around but I suspect you’re level headed enough to know that anyway.

@Imi9 you said he’s cleared the overdrafts did he withdraw all the cash AND the full overdraft allowances as well? He’s a turd, definately get a note of interest put on the property ASAP.

[quote DorothyCotton]@Imi9 you are pretty much were I was 6 months ago after fleeing my emotionally abusive, coercive and controlling husband. He emptied the bank accounts too. He also found out where I was and covertly came and took my car away with the spare key, blocking it in back at the family home with his car. He also made it difficult for me to get our belongings out of the house.

I won't sugar coat it, it's nasty and still is, but he has broken the law. I, like you didn't wish for him to be arrested because he would loose his job. I did report it all to the police though. Please do this, so it's noted, as he may well get worse. He wants a reaction, he wants to control you still, he may up the anty. I hope he doesn't but start the paper trail now. It's good you've got bank statements printed. If he does contact you keep records of it.

The police can also signpost you to help, such as victim support and woman's aid, even if you don't press charges, they in turn can help you apply for benefits while you get sorted and offer lots of support and practical advice.

I didn't fully grasp the emormity or seriousness of what he was doing to me and my child until I was away and started telling people. You will be in survival mode, specially whilst trying to protect small children. There is probably more that you have buried.

You will be OK, you will be able to claim UC, child benefit and your 3 year old will be entitled to free preschool hours. I'm back at work now and although it's been hard it's 100 times better than living with someone abusive.

You've done the hardest bit by leaving, it's a long slog now to organise everything but I promise it'll be worth it for you and your children. [/quote]
I'm so sorry you had to go through this too and am shocked how many women have. I'm pleased you are doing better now! I'm finding it hard that there doesn't seem to be an endpoint to this in sight. I just really want it to be over and just get on with life for me and my children. How far have you got with trying to get a divorce? I'm worried it will take 2 years. How was getting back to work? Have you got your own place again now?
I need to go back and get stuff from our house and am worried about that. Will try and go when he is at work.

I'll go to the police if he doesn't send me the money soon but want to give him some warning first. He's been a dick only sending me £200 but I hope it at least shows he isn't planning on doing anything else bad immediately

the sooner you get the stuff out of the house the better, before he does something else mean. Go Tuesday and clear it all out, but please do take someone with you (parents? friend?) in case he has taken the day off work in anticipation of you doing this

Some great advice on here, women's aid were very good and compassionate with me, I highly recommend.
My thoughts are with you xxx

what a cretin leaving his Child in this predicament.

Great advice on here OP, good luck 🌺🌸

Imi9
I know this is a bad situation for you now, but in the long run he has shot himself in the foot because he has given you all the evidence you need to divorce him.
You;ve had some good advice about opening your own account and claiming UC and I'm going to add this;

Make sure you get copies of the banks statements showing what he has done, and contact the bank. They should have a department to help people dealing with domestic abuse. You might be able to do that online. Tell the bank what he did and the situation he left you in, especially if he has created an overdraft.

Agree with all the good advice, especially Miasicarisatia "And as always keep a careful record of everything that happens you will need to build a case against this man"

Actually, if his mum is not going to be reasonable and kind I'd not involve her. I was thinking she was nice and kind like my mother in law but I have no idea how she will act. So, maybe I would not involve her.

But do make sure your daughter knows it is 100% not her fault. Any more than if she were bullied by a school bully it would be her fault.

I wouldn’t contact his mother again, it could make things messy.
He is a bastard, stop being nice about him.. him giving you £200 is pathetic considering you have TWO of his children to look after. He doesn’t give a shit about you or them, he just gives a shit about controlling you.
He’ll get his OP. And you’ve got your beautiful kids and a family that is behind you (as well as all of MN!) x

You have had lots of great advice here OP and know that you are not alone in going through this situation. Be kind to yourself as you are likely to go through all the grief curve of emotions, shock, disbelief, denial, sadness, anger, hope and then when you have moments of happiness you may still have low points as the stress does not all magically evaporate.

List the things you need to do and focus on a few achievable tasks at a time rather than feel swamped. Include time to be a mum enjoying time with your DD, even if it is little things like doing each other's hair or watching something funny on You Tube - having moments of normality.

You made the right decision to restart away from him and you will be ok!

@Italiangreyhound

Actually, if his mum is not going to be reasonable and kind I'd not involve her. I was thinking she was nice and kind like my mother in law but I have no idea how she will act. So, maybe I would not involve her.

But do make sure your daughter knows it is 100% not her fault. Any more than if she were bullied by a school bully it would be her fault.

I don't think she believes her son was nasty towards me that is the problem she thinks I am lying. I don't think my daughter blames herself. I told her we left as he was being nasty to us and her response was 'but why was he nasty?'. I wasn't sure what to say to this and told her it was because he was being selfish and as he wanted to make himself feel important and she said 'but daddy is already important' and I said that I didn't understand it either but that we deserve to live in a happy home with no one shouting at us. I gave her a big hug and she seems to be fine about it. I think she is a little confused but mostly at why he was mean

@skodadoda

*Who owns the house? He does and lived there before I moved in*

I think you’ll find that a solicitor will tell you it’s the matrimonial home, therefore you have a right to live in it or have a share in it.
You sound very levelheaded, don’t be put off by his bluster.

I rather hope that, as there are children of the marriage, the OP is allowed to reside there with the children until they reach the age of majority.

If you are married for 4 and together for 7, I imagine the house will be an asset of the marriage, not his entirely, when it comes to a financial settlement.

@Babyroobs

On Universal credit you will get £645.72 per month ( assuming your dd was born after April 2017 ). It will go down at the end of September by approx £80 a month. Child maintenance would not affect the amount you receive from UC. Whilst living with your parents you would be able to earn £513 a month without it affecting the amount of Uc you get and you could get help with childcare costs.

And if you have to rent somewhere, extra towards your rent would be added to that amount, OP.

The maximum you could get would be the local housing allowance for a 2-bedroomed property in whatever area the property is in.

And councils have their own schemes for help with council tax, too, so you'll probably be entitled to a reduction.

Get evidence, screenshots of recent bank transactions/statements etc.
Write down in detail everything that happened recently - exactly what he said to DC, exactly what he did that concerned you about how he behaved towards DC etc. Be very specific, you may need this later if he attempts to get access.
Get legal advice.
Be grateful for supportive parents, and accept their support, financial and otherwise.
The only thing to be thankful for is that there will be no temptation to return to bastard abusive ex.

If you want stuff from the house, I'd go with someone else with you, like your Dad, and take it when your DH is there. A friend got accused by her ex of stealing his stuff when the same sort of thing happened to her. Of course she didn't but it was just another stick to beat her with.

I don't think she believes her son was nasty towards me that is the problem she thinks I am lying
I think try not to take this personally, most parents will see their own children in the best light possible and if he's manipulative he will keep his nasty side hidden from her, to keep her sweet and guarantee her loyalty.
I wouldnt badmouth her son to her, maybe expect her to dislike you and keep your distance but try to remain on good terms.

The court will take a really really bad view of him. He is fucked now.