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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I just left my husband and now he has emptied our bank account

203 replies

Imi9 · 30/04/2021 20:59

My husband was at times borderline abusive towards me and was beginning to be towards our 3 year old daughter. I managed to gain the courage to leave him on Wednesday and I now me and my children (3 year old daughter and 1 year old son) are at my parents house. He has now emptied our joint account. I've tried calling and texting him about it and he won't answer. I am just not sure at all what to do. All our money was in there. I'm just in shock he has done that. Also I just have no idea what to do with myself now, I am a SAHM and have no source of income. My parents said they can support us in the short term but I'm just screwed. I had no idea how to try and get this sorted before and was really scared then but now I am even more panicky. I know I need to get a solicator but I just have no idea what to expect or what will happen.

OP posts:
Imi9 · 30/04/2021 22:32

I can't believe he's done this after we left, I sent one text explaining we had gone and why and then he kept trying to get hold of me and I was ignoring him as didn't want to talk. After he did this I tried to get a hold of him and all he did was send a text saying 'now you know what it's like to be ignored' like wtf, he is just doing this to be mean and cause he is angry

OP posts:
WarwickHunt · 30/04/2021 22:34

Contact bank to freeze accounts so can’t go over drawn

Is this actually good advice? If there is scope to overdraw the account then I think I would overdraw it myself up to the allowable limit to have money in hand.

BrilliantBetty · 30/04/2021 22:35

Get legal help (a family / divorce solicitor) ASAP (Tomorrow or Tuesday). Call banks right now and freeze accounts - note the situation with them.

Make note of everything that's happened so far, with dates and times. Any threats he's made, keep copies of bullying texts

faithfulbird20 · 30/04/2021 22:43

A lot of people have given very good advice in regards to what to do. Please don't worry. I'm praying this will pass too. Can't believe the amount of men that take advantage of their wife/partners being a stay at home mum and then abandoning them and their kids when things go wrong. It's abuse. I've seen so many posts on here lately and it makes me sad. I'm a sahm mum too and it could happen to me. When will men learn to be proper men. All that money they keep from us will never make them happy. Whereas women like you hopefully with universals credit, child tax credit and child benefit to help you out. You'll be back on your feet with your kids to make you happy.

Imcrc · 30/04/2021 22:45

Contact your local council, apply for universal credit, apply for a council house. Get this done asap as it can take a while. Maybe contact a womans aid charity? If he was being abusive try and get a restraining order. If you can contact a solicitor about the money.

OP this is rubbish what you are going through what an arse. You ans your children deserve better.

Thighdentitycrisis · 30/04/2021 22:59

What a shit. Trying to punish you for standing up to his abuse by taking the money

Never mind OP it’s better to live on benefits than deal with this crap - not that you will have to, you are married and he will have to settle.

By the way you can open a Monzo account on your phone in about 30 minutes with a photo of your passport

toocold54 · 30/04/2021 23:00

Thanks so much everyone
He cleared both current and savings accounts. There was almost £40k between them. I will open an account tomorrow and get universal credit, child maintenance and child benefits. And try to talk to a solicitor

Well done OP. You sound like you’ve got your head screwed on even though this must be a horrible time for you.
Just take it one day at a time. Take some time at your parents house to come to terms with everything. Once you have applied for UC you could also apply to go on the council house register. I think with a 1 year old you won’t be expected to get a job straight away so don’t worry about that just now.

Sibi67 · 30/04/2021 23:27

Well done for leaving, brave move. Will be really difficult as SAHM though believe in yourself accept help from parents, food banks, charity shops..do what you have to...you can do this. Smile

ilovesouthlondon · 30/04/2021 23:47

I thought financial abuse was a crime nowadays...as others have said freeze accounts and anything else that's joint. Stop calling him as he's enjoying watching you squirm. Be glad you're no longer with (a cunt) someone prepared to box food out of their own child's mouth. Go to the pound shop and buy A4 note pad then document everything including dates times and any witnesses. You will get through it better than how you feel now.
Prepare for him to use the kids to get at you - no child support/child support when he feels like it/changing jobs to avoid paying it/asking for DNA then not turning up to take the test/demanding time with the kids then not turning up for them or slagging you off in front on them when he has them.
Remain business like in all communication with him and dont argue with him. Call womens aid for legal advice ASAP. Well done for putting your kids first. You're a good mum and you have the support of your parents. You've got this!

Outbutnotoutout · 01/05/2021 08:15

Who owns the house?

Alfiemoon1 · 01/05/2021 08:50

Agree with everyone’s a advice open a sole account apply for universal credit etc and take up your parents offer to help you in the meantime

ragged · 01/05/2021 09:02

Are there any other joint financial assets, can you do something to protect them?

Sympathies -- my cousin's wife did this. She spent all the money (US $20k) on a boob job. I think that's why he got the condo in the divorce settlement.

Imi9 · 01/05/2021 09:09

@Outbutnotoutout

Who owns the house?
He does and lived there before I moved in
OP posts:
category12 · 01/05/2021 09:27

@WarwickHunt

Contact bank to freeze accounts so can’t go over drawn

Is this actually good advice? If there is scope to overdraw the account then I think I would overdraw it myself up to the allowable limit to have money in hand.

Well, the problem is debt has to be repaid and you are unable to take your name off the joint accounts until it is.
Wanderlusto · 01/05/2021 09:50

Well done on getting your daughter away from that horrible bully op, you have done the right thing. And his psycho behaviour now he has lost his power over you just goes to show it.

But if you have evidince of abuse towards your child, please let the police know. Or make a point of discussing the bullying treatment with your solicitor so that they can say 'yes, she told me that was why she left' at divorce hearings ect... cover your bases.

It is likely he will threaten to try to take your kids (it's just an empty threat of course but you need to start preparing for him to have supervised access rights only, ideally). His sort always make that threat.

I would tell your daughter that daddy was mean to mummy and her and her brother (don't make it 'her fault) 'and so we left, because women should live in safe, happy homes and never put up with bullies'.

Dont worry too much about money, cms, jsa ect...should all add up and be plenty when you're staying with the parents. Plus you'll get something in the divorce likely.

He may have 40k...for now. But you have your freedom and your children's safety. And that is priceless.

I recommend learning about narcissists (npd) and narcissistic hoovering (the things they do to try get you to come back). As I think he will take this route. Melanie tonia Evan's is great on YouTube. She does a vid about 9 types of hoovering his sort might use.

Fireflygal · 01/05/2021 10:07

Is he a reasonable earner? A solicitor will be able to apply for interim support for yourself and your children. If this went to court his behaviour to cut off all finances would be seen very negatively.

I would send an email stating that you have attempted to access the joint account and that all funds have been removed. State that you need to provide for the children such as food and clothing etc so can he reinstate access to the money as you are entitled to equal share of the savings. State that you have no funds and that his action of withdrawing all the money will cause hardship.

Also mention that you would like to discuss time and dates when he can see the children.

If this ends up in court (highly punishing and abusive men will usually not be reasonable so often court is the only route) you will need documentation to confirm the amount in the accounts and that he cut off money with no notice.

It is also important you are trying to facilitate access with the children.

Many abusive men really ramp up abuse tactics when you leave as they can't stand the lack of control.

Imi9 · 01/05/2021 12:34

Thanks so much you guys are so helpful!
I have now applied to open up a bank account and I have sorted out universal credit going into my parents account. I need to do child maintenance over the phone so will do that on Tuesday and also try to contact a solicator. He earns is quite a high earner which ig makes what he is doing even worse but hopefully means I can get money later from him.
I don't think I can really contact a solicator to Tuesday. I had the potientially stupid idea of phoning his mum. I think maybe she might be able to talk him into behaving better but I think this will be very awkward and think it is probably stupid.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 01/05/2021 12:37

I'd phone her and I'd tell everyone and their dog what he had done. Shame him. He deserves it and the sooner you can get your story out the better because you can guarantee he will spin a narrative of his own to all and sundry and it wont be anything close to the truth. Fiver says he starts telling people you are crazy.

StevieNix · 01/05/2021 12:43

Take a deep breath, he is being deliberately vindictive and making this as hard for you as possible, he is playing dirty but at least now you know where you stand with him.
Accept your parents offer for the short term,
Open a bank account in your name only on Tuesday,
Apply for universal credit, move child benefit into new account,
Get proof of him emptying the joint account,
Apply for child maintenance,
File for a divorce

UCOinanOCG · 01/05/2021 12:43

What a bastard. How long have you been married?

Miasicarisatia · 01/05/2021 12:46

I'm not sure if I would phone his mum I think I might send her a brief email explaining the facts, if you try to paint him as a bad guy* to his mum she will likely feel defensive and turn it around on you. If you contact her keep it factual and concise, no sob story, see how she responds.

*Clearly he is a bad guy but parents tend to instinctively defend their children

Wanderlusto · 01/05/2021 12:53

Yes as pp said, tell her the facts but don't expect to win her over.

Imi9 · 01/05/2021 12:53

@UCOinanOCG

What a bastard. How long have you been married?
We've been married 4 years and together for 7. Tbh I was really stupid. I was scared to bring up any of the problems in our relationship as I knew he would get angry at me. I love him in lots of ways but I feel like I was an idiot ignoring all the red flags and it shouldn't have taken him to get that angry with our daughter for me to realise
OP posts:
RantyAnty · 01/05/2021 12:54

Tell him he has 24 hours to get 1/2 the money to you or you're calling the police and will see an attorney take him to court.

Then do it.

MrsWooster · 01/05/2021 12:56

I would report him to the police.