Page 7 | I just left my husband and now he has emptied our bank account

Imi9 · 2021-04-30T19:59:19+00:00

My husband was at times borderline abusive towards me and was beginning to be towards our 3 year old daughter. I managed to gain the courage to leave him on Wednesday and I now me and my children (3 year old daughter and 1 year old son) are at my parents house. He has now emptied our joint account. I've tried calling and texting him about it and he won't answer. I am just not sure at all what to do. All our money was in there. I'm just in shock he has done that. Also I just have no idea what to do with myself now, I am a SAHM and have no source of income. My parents said they can support us in the short term but I'm just screwed. I had no idea how to try and get this sorted before and was really scared then but now I am even more panicky. I know I need to get a solicator but I just have no idea what to expect or what will happen.

StoneColdBitch · 02/05/2021 14:26

Bit surprised by the responses to this thread, many of which feel a bit unhelpful. If it's a joint account, either party is entitled to empty it, so it is absolutely not a criminal matter and the police won't intervene. Emptying the bank account on separation, alone, probably doesn't constitute financial abuse.

From what OP has said, her STBXH shouted at their child, and OP feels this constitutes abuse. I wonder if ex may be able to frame it as different approaches to parenting and discipline, rather than abuse. Unless I've missed something in OP's posts - apologies if so - I'm not sure OP will succeed in requesting all contact to be supervised long term.

If I were OP I would worry ex may turn the tables and make allegations of parental alienation.

On a practical level, I don't think OP would be wise to try and get her STBXH arrested for this supposed financial abuse (which I don't see evidence of in these posts) - if he is currently a high earner, she is likely to end up better off long-term if her ex doesn't get a criminal record and continues to earn well.

Mix56 · 02/05/2021 14:59

"If I were OP I would worry ex may turn the tables and make allegations of parental alienation."

Indeed, you will need to ask SHL, about the best way to precede.
Judges dont take it well when one parent "kidnaps" the DC.

Fabiofatshaft1 · 02/05/2021 18:42

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Original poster

Imi9 · 02/05/2021 20:32

@StoneColdBitch

Bit surprised by the responses to this thread, many of which feel a bit unhelpful. If it's a joint account, either party is entitled to empty it, so it is absolutely not a criminal matter and the police won't intervene. Emptying the bank account on separation, alone, probably doesn't constitute financial abuse.

From what OP has said, her STBXH shouted at their child, and OP feels this constitutes abuse. I wonder if ex may be able to frame it as different approaches to parenting and discipline, rather than abuse. Unless I've missed something in OP's posts - apologies if so - I'm not sure OP will succeed in requesting all contact to be supervised long term.

If I were OP I would worry ex may turn the tables and make allegations of parental alienation.

On a practical level, I don't think OP would be wise to try and get her STBXH arrested for this supposed financial abuse (which I don't see evidence of in these posts) - if he is currently a high earner, she is likely to end up better off long-term if her ex doesn't get a criminal record and continues to earn well.

Tbh I think he probably will say something like that. And yes I am a bit worried about it. I think there is a huge and noticable difference between raising your voice in a stern manner (which I wouldn't have approved of anyway in the situations which he did) and shouting in a cruel and aggressive manner causing her to be in tears and then not showing any remorse about it. I also think he has very controlling and aggressive towards me. Anytime I tried to talk about anything he'd disagreed with he was always very shouty and aggressive and it got to the point where I was scared about bringing anything up. He always wanted to know exactly where I was and anytime I went out if I was back later than I said I was going to be he always asked why. One time he stayed at home as the plumber was coming and he wanted to make sure I didn't flirt with him. Tbh I feel stupid for not realising earlier and that it took him to start being aggressive to my daughter to knock some sense into me But you're right I don't have any proof of anything and I am worried about it and I have no idea what a judge is going to think. I am hoping after I talk with a Solicitor I will feel less worried

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StoneColdBitch · 02/05/2021 21:01

Yeah, he sounds like a total penis, and indeed he does sound controlling towards you - but it may be tricky to prove, so I would worry you may struggle to insist on supervised access long-term. I hope the solicitor is helpful and I hope you manage to get sorted quickly. Take care

Mix56 · 03/05/2021 08:27

You need to find a (female) lawyer who knows about divorce & emotional abuse/domestic abuse
You do not have to go to the local one your parents used, or the first one with an appointment available.
You need to make notes so you dont waste time, & dont miss out anything, you are paying for this information. Its a business meeting, so use your time efficiently. They are not therapists, their business is what your rights are & how to get a maximum amount of money from your abusive husband so that you can keep a roof over your children's head.
You will know in your gut if the sol. you are seeing understands the nuances of EA.(feeling scared to talk to H, being surveyed, having to be accountable for your time out, him staying home when a tradesman comes) make a full list.Was there any other controlling ?
You need to be convinced this lawyer is going to do battle with someone who would cut off all finances (take her money) to his wife & children
Do some research, (legal board here on mn) for a sol. In your area if you have any doubt the first one is not a bulldog.
Remember H will very probably be seeing his own sol today too.
There will be no amicable divorce agreement here.

ScrollingLeaves · 03/05/2021 12:35

“*Mix56

You need to find a (female) lawyer who knows about divorce & emotional abuse/domestic abuse”

This is extremely important OP

Wanderlusto · 03/05/2021 12:42

As pp said, it will not be amicable. Be aware that any kindness or compromise you show him will be taken as weakness. He is at war with you now and he is the sort of person who if he was a general, would butcher you if you surrender. He will also use underhanded tactics.

Find a good lawyer who knows about domestic abuse. And start shoring up your defenses.

Egghead81 · 03/05/2021 12:45

* You need to find a (female) lawyer who knows about divorce & emotional abuse/domestic abuse*

It does NOT need to be female. My male divorce lawyer was outstanding. Truly outstanding. I owe him my life pretty much

getsomehelp · 03/05/2021 13:08

Egghead, there are men who will fight for an abused woman too, clearly, but I sadly feel that there's a chance that many don't understand, because they are often strong men with big egos, who dominate , rather than on the receiving end of abuse .

Fabiofatshaft1 · 03/05/2021 17:02

Op

Mostly, you have had some great advice apart from one or two twats on here.

A judge will NOT think you have kidnapped the children ( Jesus wept ) and will understand and respect your fears for the well being of the children.

And shouting at a three year old cannot be construed as reasonable parental discipline on any day of the year.

Totally ignore any muppets who try suggest otherwise.

For a woman to take her children from the family home, which is supposed to be the safest of all places for them because she fears the children are being abused is the right and sure thing to do.

If and when any judge examines his immediate actions after you left.....

1.) He immediately emptied the bank account and left you and the children penniless.

2.) He never enquired to see if you and the children were safe and had access to shelter and food.

3.) You had to phone his mother to explain what he’d done before she managed to convince him to put back in a few measly hundred quid

4.) Add in the controlling aspect and the emotional abuse you recently said you suffered and NO judge in the land will rule against you.

His actions thus far have already buried him.

Most men would be totally aghast at your husbands behaviour.

However:

Keep a diary of all conversations and interactions with him.

Keep all texts from him.

Record all phone conversations.

Any communication you have with him, keep it cool, calm and very short. Resist any urge to get angry, sarcastic or argumentative.

Let him be the one to rant, not you, just make a note of what he says and record it.

Tell him you only want conversations about the children and what’s best for them.

When he realises you are not going back, one of two will happen:

Either he will have a ( Fake ) epiphany and swear undying love and he’ll promise to change ( Natch )

Or, he’ll turn into even more of a nasty bastard than he already is.

But if you are feeling low, hurt, scared and confused, remember what was said up thread and use it as your daily mantra......

Everything you do from here on in is for the benefit and well being and happiness of your children.

Then yourself.

Ignore the muppets.

Egghead81 · 03/05/2021 17:20

@getsomehelp

Egghead, there are men who will fight for an abused woman too, clearly, but I sadly feel that there's a chance that many don't understand, because they are often strong men with big egos, who dominate , rather than on the receiving end of abuse .

They do not tend to be drawn to family law My male solicitor fought my corner on every level

As did my cousins male solicitor

Go for the best OP. Irrespective of gender

Original poster

Imi9 · 03/05/2021 21:52

Thanks again everyone. I'm feeling better everyday and had a really nice weekend not really thinking too much about it and just spending time with my children and parents
The solicitor I am going to talk to tomorrow is a woman. I am sure there are male solicitors who would be excellent for me but I do think that probably a higher proportion of female solicitors would be great. She has been recommended to me by a friend whose sister went through a similar thing and apparently she was calm and composed at all times, extremely knowledgeable, communicated everything clearly, dealt with everything efficently and intelligently and also emotionally supportive. So I think she'll be a good choice

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Thelnebriati · 03/05/2021 22:12

You're dealing with this really, well, I hope you get a good outcome.

GreenDahlia · 03/05/2021 23:38

Good luck tomorrow 🎉

mermaidsariel · 04/05/2021 00:01

Good luck op. You’re doing really well.

MyOctopusFeature · 04/05/2021 00:17

His Achilles Heel is his love of money. Do not set your sights too low on what you are aiming for.

Fabiofatshaft1 · 04/05/2021 02:25

You are doing brilliantly.

Get on it later today 😀

thesecretvoter · 04/05/2021 03:26

Can I just mention that you should also ask your solicitor about protecting your home rights. My daughter did this after leaving an abusive partner (they weren't married and the house was in his name) and he tried to sell it really quickly. I think this us the right land Reg doc. Good luck! https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment data/file/713087/HR12018-05-255_.pdf

Original poster

Imi9 · 04/05/2021 13:02

My solicitor is unsure abut whether we'll be able to get supervised access only I am now so worried him shouting at dd only started recently and was getting worse quickly in a few weeks like I am so worried he'll get worse especially when I'm not there

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traveller11 · 04/05/2021 13:07

@lmi9 you can direct your legal team to push for supervise. If you're already settling for unsupervised then she may not be the best for you.

Asking for a cafcass investigation report to be done too (either section 7 or 17 - I can't remember which) may be beneficial too.

My partner recently found out about some neglect which his children were suffering from their mother. Judge ordered supervised based on the concerns and a cafcass report ordered. The supervised contact went on for 4 months which gave a great buffer for cafcass to fully look into the other parent's behaviour.

Original poster

Imi9 · 04/05/2021 13:13

It's just I don't have any proof. That is the problem.

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Wanderlusto · 04/05/2021 13:19

You could try tricking him by texting 'Your angry and aggressive behaviour to our daughter was completely inappropriate in the lead up to my leaving. If you ever expect us to work things out then you must agree to get help for your anger issues. Then maybe we can talk'.

In the hope that he will admit in reply how he treated her. It's a bluff of course and might not work but its worth a try.

If you need proof, try find a way to get it.

traveller11 · 04/05/2021 13:21

@Imi9

It's just I don't have any proof. That is the problem.

Neither did we. Just hearsay from the children and some private CCTV audio which couldn't be used as it was classed as secretive recording.

We still phoned our local MASH for advice who appointed a family worker and it all escalated from there - children weren't returned in August after the first instance of neglect/abuse was disclosed and court heard the initial case in October so from August-January the children weren't allowed with their mother unsupervised and it was supported by police, MASH and solicitor as it was shown in best interest of the children's protection while it was investigated.

Family worker really worked with and advocated for the children's rights to access both parents while being safe in their company.

Has your solicitor suggested that yet? If she hasn't, you can contact MASH on your own too - just google your local council and childrens MASH

Original poster

Imi9 · 04/05/2021 13:54

We are going to push for it and contact MASH but she said she can't guarantee we will get the right outcome now I am really scared about it like he really upset my daughter she was really shaken but it and I can't let that happen again

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