Would I regret leaving over this?

[lostinthislife]

I'm really struggling to decide whether I leave or whether life is trade off, and I'd be trading family, stability etc for chasing a bit of passion. Everyone I've spoken to, my family, my friends they just say that on paper everything is so perfect and that I have so much lose and nothing to gain.

I'm engaged, with a toddler. It's both my and dp's first engagement or child, but he is quite a bit older (15 years).

I think realistically I've known since the start it's not some passionate love, it was less then that but I'd come out of a string of bad relationships and then met him and he was stable and reliable and I was drawn to that at that period in my life.

We're obviously quite deep in life now, and I'm so lucky in so many ways, he is a brilliant hands on father, he bought us a beautiful home, he works hard and provides for us. He's a good man. It makes it harder because if he was a prick I could just go, but he's the opposite. He's been through a lot of trauma in his life and all he's ever wanted is a family and he's finally got that. He's got his happy ever after.

I'm just feeling so unfulfilled. There isn't this big spark, this chemistry between us. There's no natural gravitation towards each other. No touching the small of your back when they walk past, no touches on the arm, no kind of coming over to you in a group, just little things like that to me speak loudly. He doesn't talk about his feelings, which I struggle with, not all the time but occasionally I do want to hear that I'm loved, I do want to hear why, I do want little compliments. I don't want to only peck on the lips hello and goodbye, I don't want to only kiss properly during (very occasional) sex. There's no oomph for me.

I've got to admit I've got a doubt that he really is that one person for me. I imagine myself all the time in way more passionate situations and crave that. I think about my ex's and how different it was a lot.

We are however, comfortable. Family life works ok as long as I compromise on all those things above. If I can get used to not being touched much. Get used to not feeling very loved. We get along and don't argue much, we can enjoy each other's company watching TV (from different ends of the sofa), we're good parents and our child is happy.

Do I want to throw away my child's two parent family, the house, the stability. All of it. For passion? Is life just a trade off and I'll meet someone I have that fire with but is a bad step dad? Or ends up leaving me? I just can't work out what to do here but I'm 26 years old and I feel like I'm writing off so much of what I want.

Is that passion? Or is it some Disney fuelled idea of love that only lasts a short period before it settles down?

I don't know. I don't feel in love or loved myself. I feel like if we were deeply in love there would be that gravitational pull too each other. There would naturally be that intimacy. Sex would feel exciting and not just a means to an end. There's definitely something missing but I'm well aware I've got the end goal of a stable man who won't leave, a happy child and our own home. I don't want to leave if I'm chasing something that won't last as my child's needs come before that.

Have you spoken to your DH about how you're feeling?
He sounds like a good man.

I think if your unhappy leaving is an option, but if you're leaving with the intention of meeting someone else the road is hard.

Firstly if you have your child 100% dating will be very hard, as in just going out to date.

If you split you may have them 50% so easier (but you'd have to think whether you want that)

Also you'd have to kiss alot of frogs to find someone decent.

Only leave if you are prepare to be alone and work from there

It would be a gamble
What if you struggle to find that spark again or you find it and it ends in disaster?
So yes you may regret it

Have you ever read about love languages? It’s quite common to want love shown to you in a different way to how your partner shows love. It’s something you can work on if you understand- you might learn that he shows love in another way and once you recognise it you might feel it more, or you might be able to tell him how you want to be shown and he could help that way. It doesn’t sound like time to give up yet!

A few times yes, he'll make more effort for a little while then it slips back into this. I just don't think it's naturally who he is. I think if he does love me he shows it through acts of service, which just doesn't do it for me. I'm all about touch and words of affirmation and without that I don't feel loved or wanted. If that's not his natural love language I worry that the only way this will work is if keep going without that. The problem with going without that means that I'm always tempted, I've always got one foot out the door because I'm unfulfilled and want that connection.

Do you ever initiate the touching? Touch his back or slide over to his side of the sofa? I think because of the way you are feeling it's giving you an unrealistic idea of what most relationships are like. This gravitational pull isn't usually a thing past the first honeymoon period

So if he shows his love through acts of service, then he is demonstrating his love for you. He loves you, even if he doesn't show it as you would prefer.
How do you show that you love him?
I would think very long and hard before giving up your DC's home and stability, and leaving a kind and honest man who loves you, in search of something transient that you may well never find.

First of all, from what you've said your husband sounds like a good man and a good father. Looking though your list in not sure how many still apply to me and my husband either but he is my best friend which long term I think works better than just passion. Are you and your husband good friends? I don't think I would break up my family to chase passion, does anyone really have passion with a toddler? I know I'm just so tired from toddler, work, house I don't have the energy.

I think this is what's difficult is my relationships before him we're all between 18-22 and it was that young, can't keep your hands off each other love, and I know it's unrealistic to expect that from a 40 year old man in the same way. There's the differences like with my ex's you'd get occasional little loving or cheeky texts. Never from dp. He'll text if we need milk from the shop and that's about it. Obviously we live together but I mean if he's away or we're both at work. Never. I'll send him them sometimes and I don't think he really cares for them. Yes if I don't kiss him we don't kiss, if I don't hug him we don't hug.I'm always initiating the contact we do have. If I wait for him to do it he could go a week without touching me other than his good night peck

At 26 I wasn't totally sure what I wanted but it definitely consisted of wanting passion and excitement and lingering looks. At 48 what I want is somewhat different. I honestly think it sounds like you're in different places and your posts read like you're setting yourself up for an affair if someone vaguely interesting comes along. You either need to focus properly on this relationship or focus on getting out. Do you work? Is the house in both your names?

If you’re unhappy and don’t feel you love him then end it, there is no point limping on unhappy

However you have a very skewed view of what long term relationships are like and it’s highly unlikely you’ll meet anyone who provides what you want past the honey moon period, unless you go for some needy controlling bloke.

It sounds like there are a lot of good things in your relationship, too many to walk away from without even a conversation with your DP. Does he have any inkling that you feel this way?
If he’s a decent man, as you say, surely he would at least deserve a chance to fix this? Why not suggest counselling.

He does know. I've told him all of this a few times now. Just yesterday I said to him yet again that there is something missing and I'm really not sure we're right for each other. That I've got one foot out the door and the only thing stopping me is our little one and fear that I'll regret it.

He said we'll work on it. He always says that.

Did you see this thread?

Vanilla partner for an easy life?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4232144-Vanilla-partner-for-an-easy-life?msgid=106927030#106927030

I'm definitely not seeking an affair but I do sometimes worry that if I met someone with that connection and sexual chemistry that I'd be tempted. To be honest I should of known things weren't right as that already happened when we'd barely been together a year with a guy I worked with. We never crossed any physical lines but I was tempted and it only ended because dp and me moved away. Dp knew about it and we never spoke about it. It was weird and a huge red flag I should of got out then.

I'm using your previous boyfriends were short term things and you never got past the passionate honeymoon stage. That doesn't last forever though at some point those relationships would have settled down aswell. I remember that stage with my husband and while it was great when we were 20, now we are 31 with busy lives with work and toddler it would be ridiculous. Think long and hard before giving up your fiance to chase showing that is so fleeting in the relationship anyway.

You're comparing it to the passion in your past (youthful) relationships but admit these were bad relationships. As a pp said the men with intense passion and all the touching and texting are usually the lovebombers who go on to be emotionally abusive. Fair my sister was in the same situation as you. Left her husband, lost their beautiful home, uprooted the kids, had a string of passionate relationships, each of which ended in disaster, and is now back with her husband realising the grass most certainly wasn't greener - I don't think the trust will ever be fully there though, I feel sorry for him he's definitely not the same person in terms of happiness and confidence

Re the love languages he might be telling you he loves you in other ways. I can't remember them all now, but possibly using acts of service?
My DH isn't touchy feely and he doesn't gush romantic sentiments but he makes me unexpected cups of tea, picks up a nice bottle of wine when he thinks I've had a hard day, he works hard and more than pulls his weight around the house and with the kids. I know which one I would prefer!
You should have a read of the "things that should be romantic but aren't" thread that's on here. Lots of that "romantic" stuff gets old really quickly. Plenty of men are prone to grand gestures but are also complete knobs, liars, cheats etc.

You do sound very "one foot out the door".

The other thing to consider is that life isn't very exciting these days with covid, and on top of that you have a toddler. Now I love my kids to bits, but toddlers do limit you on what you can do and you kind of become entrenched in their routine. It's natural that this stage in life is a bit more low-key than your pre-child years.

• in guessing

Look up 'the 5 love languages'. There is a test you can both do online to see how you want love to be expressed to you. It sounds like you are a touchy feely person. If he isn't he may not realise how important this is to you. There is a book/audiobook you can read/listen too together. I found it really useful in understanding why my husband and I were feeling less close and it's made a massive difference

Alot of people will say don't leave for passion as that's just a fairy tail and never lasts but I think this goes deeper than this.
I personally don't think you love or fancy him, not as a husband. You don't find him attractive, that spark just isn't there. I was in a v similar situation (but without children). He was such a kind good man and we were friends, we got married and for me that feeling never moved on from friendship. I get that all relationships start with that but it's a completely different feeling to what a marriage should be if those other feelings aren't there at some point, it wore me down it effected my self esteem and it began to make me resent him, which was in NO way fair on him.
I did end that relationship, at first he was devastated but I stood fair but firm. We remained friends and eventually he agreed I had done the right thing.
I can say that people will argue that you could be throwing away a good man for either a twat or loneliness down the line but in all honesty I'd never felt lonlier than when I was married (even to a nice man). On the flip side my ex is now happy with someone who does want to be with him, for all of the right reasons. I on the other hand did meet a twat and have now been single for 4 years, which I know sounds silly but I'm still happier than when I was married, a relationship that was wrong for me, and I don't regret the decision for a minute, never have.
As said, I didn't have kids in the mix but I firmly believe that two happy separated parents are better than unhappy parents together. I just don't agree with staying in relationships for the sake of children. My mum did that and it has impacted both me and my siblings hugely.

This is really sad reading OP. It sounds like a good life, so hard to turn your back on.

Could you try initiating cuddling on the sofa in the evening, in front of the tv, and go from there?

As you are only 26 and he is 41 this is probably never going to change. And it's not due to his age. Lots of 41 year old are passionate and that passion does create a strong bond even in the tough times. It can continue right up through the years. It's very early in your life to be accepting that you will never have it. But stability counts for a lot too. But the fact he doesn't talk about feelings either sounds like there is little holding ye together.
Saying that l had passion, great conversation etc but not the stability so thinking back would l have traded it all for stability. I am not sure as would have got very bored . It is a tough decision.