Would I regret leaving over this?

[lostinthislife]

I'm really struggling to decide whether I leave or whether life is trade off, and I'd be trading family, stability etc for chasing a bit of passion. Everyone I've spoken to, my family, my friends they just say that on paper everything is so perfect and that I have so much lose and nothing to gain.

I'm engaged, with a toddler. It's both my and dp's first engagement or child, but he is quite a bit older (15 years).

I think realistically I've known since the start it's not some passionate love, it was less then that but I'd come out of a string of bad relationships and then met him and he was stable and reliable and I was drawn to that at that period in my life.

We're obviously quite deep in life now, and I'm so lucky in so many ways, he is a brilliant hands on father, he bought us a beautiful home, he works hard and provides for us. He's a good man. It makes it harder because if he was a prick I could just go, but he's the opposite. He's been through a lot of trauma in his life and all he's ever wanted is a family and he's finally got that. He's got his happy ever after.

I'm just feeling so unfulfilled. There isn't this big spark, this chemistry between us. There's no natural gravitation towards each other. No touching the small of your back when they walk past, no touches on the arm, no kind of coming over to you in a group, just little things like that to me speak loudly. He doesn't talk about his feelings, which I struggle with, not all the time but occasionally I do want to hear that I'm loved, I do want to hear why, I do want little compliments. I don't want to only peck on the lips hello and goodbye, I don't want to only kiss properly during (very occasional) sex. There's no oomph for me.

I've got to admit I've got a doubt that he really is that one person for me. I imagine myself all the time in way more passionate situations and crave that. I think about my ex's and how different it was a lot.

We are however, comfortable. Family life works ok as long as I compromise on all those things above. If I can get used to not being touched much. Get used to not feeling very loved. We get along and don't argue much, we can enjoy each other's company watching TV (from different ends of the sofa), we're good parents and our child is happy.

Do I want to throw away my child's two parent family, the house, the stability. All of it. For passion? Is life just a trade off and I'll meet someone I have that fire with but is a bad step dad? Or ends up leaving me? I just can't work out what to do here but I'm 26 years old and I feel like I'm writing off so much of what I want.

Not RTFT but it strikes me that this is a consequence of a 37 yo deciding to pursue a relationship with a 22 yo. And your OH needs to own that. At 37, he was able to decide whether or not your relationship met enough of his needs to be right for a life-time commitment whereas you, at 22, were just starting out.

Such age gap relationships can and do work out but they often don’t and many of the threads on here (particularly around controlling relationships) arise out of relationships where a man approaching middle age has got together with a very young woman.

I agree that you have some misplaced ideas about how “romantic” long-term relationships feel. Also dysfunctional relationships can generate incredible chemistry between the participants because of all the uncertainty and ups and downs so intense chemistry is often not the best measure of a healthy relationship.

OTOH DH and I are 20+ years in and still have a reasonably active sex life and snuggle and kiss outside it too. It’s not unreasonable for you to expect considerably more than you’re getting in that regard.

As some PP have said, it sounds to me like you settled down far too young with a partner to whom you’re not particularly well-suited. And 26 is really too young to be settling. You might live another 60 or 70 years. At age 75, would you want to be looking back at a lifetime spent in this relationship?

You can’t know that you’ll be happier with someone else but I think you already know that you won’t be happy enough in this one to justify staying.

I would imagine the 10+ hours a day spent on your phone would be awful for your toddler. It sounds like you've checked out of your LOs life and your own relationship with DP.

Get off your phone, comparison is the thief of joy.

You say what you have is a stable man who won't leave. Don't bet on it!

I was married for 10 years. No excitement or passion but Ali the other stuff like you have in yours. I thought it was a trade off I was happy with. Anyway he had an affair.

You can't rely on a man being stable so you may as well have one you are excited to be with

Reading all your updates, I don’t think this relationship is right for you. Because there shouldn’t be this much turmoil. You’re engaged. You should be excited about starting your life with your future husband. But all you have is doubts.

I do think you need to think about being happy on your own. It’s true that you may never find what you’re looking for, but that doesn’t mean you should just stay put. You’ve had many conflicting opinions here but the bottom line is that you aren’t happy.

You can’t “change” in the way of wanting little sex and no affection, from where you are now. Personal change is possible but not in that way and to that degree. So I think you need to take that out of your mind. You’ll never be able to truly happily make that change. You are who you are and he is who he is.

Honestly I think you want to leave but you’re scared. Scared of disrupting your child’s life, scared of hurting your partner, scared it might be a mistake. But you’re not coping right now. So I’m not sure how it could be worse? You’re not someone with a few niggling doubts. It’s taking over everything. So I think you need some sort of change. Maybe a trial separation and see how it goes. It doesn’t need to be end it or not end it. A trial separation would give you some headspace, it might make your partner realise the seriousness of the situation and maybe he’ll realise he doesn’t want to lose you and make changes. You may realise you are happier alone.

Life is short in some ways, but in others it’s long! There’s nothing wrong with taking time to be sure a major life decision is right for you.

“I do think you need to think about being happy on your own. It’s true that you may never find what you’re looking for, but that doesn’t mean you should just stay put. You’ve had many conflicting opinions here but the bottom line is that you aren’t happy.

You can’t “change” in the way of wanting little sex and no affection, from where you are now. Personal change is possible but not in that way and to that degree. So I think you need to take that out of your mind. You’ll never be able to truly happily make that change. You are who you are and he is who he is.

Honestly I think you want to leave but you’re scared. Scared of disrupting your child’s life, scared of hurting your partner, scared it might be a mistake. But you’re not coping right now. So I’m not sure how it could be worse? You’re not someone with a few niggling doubts. It’s taking over everything. So I think you need some sort of change. Maybe a trial separation and see how it goes. It doesn’t need to be end it or not end it. A trial separation would give you some headspace, it might make your partner realise the seriousness of the situation and maybe he’ll realise he doesn’t want to lose you and make changes. You may realise you are happier alone.”

I agree with this.

I also think your OH took a liberty, as a 37 yo, deciding to pursue a 22 yo, to impose his relationship needs on. He was approaching middle age and you had scarcely reached adulthood. It can work. But it often doesn’t. This is not a case of growing up together. This is a case of being at very different life stages. So he needs to take some responsibility for this painful and difficult situation, too. I suspect he deliberately chose someone young and relatively inexperienced and perhaps more inclined to let him have his way but, guess what, now you’re older (but still 11 years younger than he was when you met), you’re realising this doesn’t work for you.

I really don’t think this relationship is right for you and it’s not your job to heal your OH’s hurts or live the life he wants. Start by putting the wedding plans on hold and getting back into paid employment (it’s no good for your toddler to be stuck at home with a mum spending all day on her mobile and it’s no good for you). Take it from there.

Sorry but I think you are receiving a lot of awful and misplaced advice from other posters. Having a fulfilling sexual relationship is so important and it strikes me that this is something that has always been missing with your current partner? You are so young, I don’t think it’s fair on yourself (or your partner) to stay with him if you’re feeling this way. It won’t get any better it will just worse, and the longer you stay, the harder it will be to end it.

I wonder if the doubts you’ve talked about are simply your brain’s way of avoiding/putting off the pain of the break up. It sounds to me like you have fallen out of love with your partner, and once that’s gone, it’s very hard to get it back.

My advice to you would be to keep attending your counseling sessions and start to explore - in your mind at least - what being your own might look and feel like. Hopefully that will give you some clarity.

Life is too short to spend it with the wrong person, no matter how nice or kind they might be!

Hope you find the strength to do what’s best for you.

I don't want to want to leave. He doesn't want to be a part time dad. He wants to be there everyday. I don't want to take that from him. I just feel so selfish. I wish I had made different choices.

@lostinthislife

Toddler probably feels neglected. I'm being a rubbish mum. I am focusing too much on whether this is the right relationship or if I'd be happier with someone else. I never think about being happy on my own. This is another reason why I talk myself out of leaving because what if I'm the problem and we could work through these things... I guess the one thing we can never work through is the age gap and so many people on here have warned me against it that confuses me even more. I hate this so much.

The first thing you need to think of is being happy on your own. You shouldn’t be having relationships to fill a hole in your life, they should be an added bonus. If you left you might not even meet anyone else, or you might only meet wankers. But that shouldn’t even be a factor - you need to be comfortable and secure alone. Personally I think life is far too short to remain with someone you don’t love or feel loved by and being a single parent would be preferable.

@MrsSchrute

OP my advice would be to do everything in your power to make this relationship work if at all possible. Make the decision to think positively about him, go to counselling, both alone and together, carve out time together just the two of you. That way, even if in six months nothing has changed you will know that you did absolutely everything you could to make the relationship work, and can walk away safe in that knowledge. Also, stop fantasising about some hypothetical perfect future relationship, and work on yourself, so that you would be happily single if this didn't work out.

OP, this excellent advice. Would you be prepared to have this kind of action plan so that you give yourself time to actively try and improve things? (With the acceptance that it may not help but at least you will have given it your best shot.)

I feel like you do OP. Watching with interest.

I've been in a really similar situation OP. To me there was "something missing" but I couldn't put my finger on it. Fortunately for me there were no shared kids involved so I left but all my family and friends thought I was crazy!

Great looking devoted guy, totally spoiled me, lots in common, great with my DD, helped out with everything, but I just want feeling 'it'. I physically found him attractive and never been treated better so who knows what my problem was?

Final straw night for me was when he was just back from 3 weeks of working offshore. Bought me a bunch of flowers, made dinner, generally made a fuss but after dinner we sat on opposite sides of the couch and watched a 2hr documentary on a subject he liked and I was bored to tears!!!! In about 5hrs I'd had a quick peck. We did have sex when we went up to bed but to me after 3 weeks apart there should've been more passion and like you say a bit of ooomph!!

It agonised over whether to leave and eventually did as I didn't think it was fair on him either.

I do miss him now and again but only when I'm feeling lonely, never when I'm happy which says a lot!

So you admit there wasn't a spark from the start but yet you had his child and let him buy a house for you.

Shameful

@lostinthislife - if you wish you had made different choices about something so major, then this really just shows that the situation is irretrievable and you’re depressed because you are facing the truth.

That said, I think @MrsSchrute’s suggestion of giving it your best shot for another 6 months so you know you have given it your all does make sense for your own peace of mind.

But I think you’re taking too much of the responsibility for this situation. He rushed you into parenthood and settling down with him because that was what worked for him - as a man in his late 30s. It didn’t work for you as a woman in your early 20s. If I’ve calculated right, you were expecting within 1-2 years of meeting and 23/24 when you had your baby. A partner closer to you in age would probably not have pushed for parenthood at such an early stage in your relationship and you wouldn’t feel so tied down.

He might not want to be a part-time dad but that doesn’t trump your unhappiness in your relationship. And he can still have a very good relationship with your shared child and spend lots of time with them even if you separate. A deeply unhappy mother is not good for your child either.

Also, you do need to think in terms of being happy on your own. You may well meet a more suitable life partner but either way it really doesn’t sound like this man is a suitable life partner for you and it’s surely better to be alone than with the wrong person.

OP, I can't help thinking both you and your partner went into this wanting what the other one represented rather than each other as people. You wanted safety and security, perhaps to be 'looked after' and provided for; he wanted the wife and family, perhaps as another go at what he didn't have in childhood. It's very clear that your doubts don't suit him. Which one of you was the driving force in having your toddler? Your disengagement isn't good for him/her, and I think that aspect of things needs some work and reflection from your side too. You've also rightly picked up on your tendency to define yourself in terms of having a relationship.

I don't think this necessarily means you're doomed, but I do think, 'talking type' or not, it would be good for him to agree to counselling because I think it would relly help you both to communicate enough about this to find a way out, one way or another, and see each other as people rather than (putting it a little drastically and brutally) functions.

I've just paid for a betterhelp subscription. I'm hoping that will help. I'm so desperate. I know it's shameful I'm in total fucking turmoil I shouldn't of caused any of this. I don't know what to do. I'm going to try for my little boy but I feel like I've written off any hope of me ever being happy

@lostinthislife - as I’ve said above, I really don’t think this is all on you. Can you show yourself some compassion? Attacking yourself for mistakes made a tender age will not help you gain clarity on how to move forward.

@Hulmeert

So you admit there wasn't a spark from the start but yet you had his child and let him buy a house for you.

Shameful

Kicking a confused, hurting, thoughtful, sad young women when she's suffering.... Much more shameful

It's so hard to see this as anything other than my fault. I keep speaking to my mum and she just says she wants to shake me. I've got a good man who is a good father a comfortable life the dream house. She just says I'm ruining it all for myself. It makes it so much harder because I don't want to not want this. I don't want to spend my days crying in front of my boy. I don't want to fall apart all the time. I'm struggling to keep it together.

Could you perhaps not talk to your mother about this any more? I don't think her view is helping, notwithstanding the (partial) validity it may have.

It's on him. A fully grown adult coming together with a young woman who hadn't experienced much life and settled with a baby very young.

He should have known better and given you a chance to grow before settling down.

I'm in my 50s and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that. My boyfriend and I chat, laugh , always touching each other - whether holding hands, hugging, kissing, whatever. That's what I want. I wouldn't be with someone who wasn't like that. You're young and you have every right to want to be fulfilled and in live with your partner.

I left my fiance at 30 because we had become good friends and I was no longer in love with him. I loved him and still love him. Still think he is an amazing person but i have never regretted splitting up and committing myself to a relationship where the spark had gone. I know I would have eventually have had my head turned because it is normal to look elsewhere when you're not happy at home.

Now, you don't have to decide straight away and you are allowed to change your mind. Would a trial separation help? Don't feel guilty and don't let anyone on here or in your life pressure you one way or the other. You're the one who has to live your life.

I can't explain why I went along with it all and had a kid. I can't. I feel like I just do this. I just do what other people want. I act impulsively and don't think things through. I'm 25 and I haven't been single in a decade. I am so co-dependent. I haven't got a clue who I am, what makes me happy, I base all my self worth off validation from men and relationships. Even when I think of leaving my partner I'm thinking of finding someone else who makes me feel more wanted. I don't want to be this way. My screen time averages between 10-12 hours a day. What kind of terrible mum am I? I'm not choosing to be like this. I'm trying so fucking hard to hold it together. I really really am. I spent the whole day in bed yesterday crying, I didn't see my child, dp had him all day and I didn't so much as go downstairs. I felt so ashamed and today decided to be better and took my little one to Morrison's to do the food shop and ended up having a panic attack in the shop abandoning my trolley and sat in the car crying whilst my son screamed in his seat. Something is so wrong with me.

@lostinthislife

A few times yes, he'll make more effort for a little while then it slips back into this. I just don't think it's naturally who he is. I think if he does love me he shows it through acts of service, which just doesn't do it for me. I'm all about touch and words of affirmation and without that I don't feel loved or wanted. If that's not his natural love language I worry that the only way this will work is if keep going without that. The problem with going without that means that I'm always tempted, I've always got one foot out the door because I'm unfulfilled and want that connection.

Please don’t underestimate dependable and solid. There’s more than one way to show you love someone. These acts you talk about are important. He loves you and your baby, he takes care of you.

I think you need to give your head a wobble. The kind of heady new relationship type passion doesn’t last forever, it’s what a partner will be like in the long term that matters. Will he make you laugh, be kind and thoughtful, put you and your baby first, be your best friend.

Don’t throw away a lovely man because he’s not tactile enough. You will regret it. Ultimately only you can make the decision as to how to move forward, but please don’t do anything in a hurry. The grass is green where you water it.

I know you are discontented and in turmoil, it is coming across loud and clear. The one thing I will say is this:

The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.

OP have you spoken to a counsellor or your Gp about how you feel? Your last post sounds very much like depression, and while I’m not saying that is the cause of your issues in your relationship it does sound like you really need to talk to someone professional about what you are going through.

What your mother is describing is really about material comfort. But in this day and age, women don’t need to depend on men to provide material comfort. You can make a home for yourself. That’s what adult women do now. We make our own way - we don’t have to rely on a man to provide.

And it’s going to feel pretty hollow if you don’t love the person you’re sharing the life with. Better to be single in your own home. He can be a good dad on a shared care basis.

It’s not all your fault - this is why I say he took liberties: you had just reached adulthood and he was nearing middle age when you got together. He’s rushed you into parenthood and settling down without a thought for whether that works for you. It sounds like your mum may have pushed that agenda also. And yes, these set-ups can work but they often don’t. I have no doubt that there were lots of lovely women available to him who were much closer to him in age. There are reasons why he pursued you and not them and I think it was probably partly to do with feeling it would be much easier to “direct” you onto a path that suited him.