Would I regret leaving over this?

[lostinthislife]

I'm really struggling to decide whether I leave or whether life is trade off, and I'd be trading family, stability etc for chasing a bit of passion. Everyone I've spoken to, my family, my friends they just say that on paper everything is so perfect and that I have so much lose and nothing to gain.

I'm engaged, with a toddler. It's both my and dp's first engagement or child, but he is quite a bit older (15 years).

I think realistically I've known since the start it's not some passionate love, it was less then that but I'd come out of a string of bad relationships and then met him and he was stable and reliable and I was drawn to that at that period in my life.

We're obviously quite deep in life now, and I'm so lucky in so many ways, he is a brilliant hands on father, he bought us a beautiful home, he works hard and provides for us. He's a good man. It makes it harder because if he was a prick I could just go, but he's the opposite. He's been through a lot of trauma in his life and all he's ever wanted is a family and he's finally got that. He's got his happy ever after.

I'm just feeling so unfulfilled. There isn't this big spark, this chemistry between us. There's no natural gravitation towards each other. No touching the small of your back when they walk past, no touches on the arm, no kind of coming over to you in a group, just little things like that to me speak loudly. He doesn't talk about his feelings, which I struggle with, not all the time but occasionally I do want to hear that I'm loved, I do want to hear why, I do want little compliments. I don't want to only peck on the lips hello and goodbye, I don't want to only kiss properly during (very occasional) sex. There's no oomph for me.

I've got to admit I've got a doubt that he really is that one person for me. I imagine myself all the time in way more passionate situations and crave that. I think about my ex's and how different it was a lot.

We are however, comfortable. Family life works ok as long as I compromise on all those things above. If I can get used to not being touched much. Get used to not feeling very loved. We get along and don't argue much, we can enjoy each other's company watching TV (from different ends of the sofa), we're good parents and our child is happy.

Do I want to throw away my child's two parent family, the house, the stability. All of it. For passion? Is life just a trade off and I'll meet someone I have that fire with but is a bad step dad? Or ends up leaving me? I just can't work out what to do here but I'm 26 years old and I feel like I'm writing off so much of what I want.

Based on your last message, yes you should leave, not fair on DH, he still young enough to find and build a life with someone who isn't tempted to cheat.

I think you probably will regret leaving if you did. No man will love or prioritise your child more than their father. There is no guarantee that you will meet someone else who will fulfil you anyway. As you get older you realise that initial passion you feel with someone is less important than comfortable companionship. I know there are still some couple in their 60s or however old that have maintained that initial spark but I think that's quite rare.

I do think you settled down with your DH way too young, especially given the age gap, but what's done is done.

It does sound like the wrong fit. It sounds like you'd be signing up for a largely sexless relationship that doesn't make you feel good about yourself. The age gap means this is likely to increase. I think you should plan marriage counselling as a way to communicate better about this and hopefully split in an amicable way.

I definitely agree that I settled down way too young, I was looking for safety after some bad relationships and because I fell into one with someone older who was ready for things I wasn't I just sort of ended up here. I do take responsibility for my actions but I don't think I was in the right head space and definitely hadn't had enough time to grow as a person on my own two feet and get a lot of things out of my system. I wish I had. But I don't know if I'll leave it and spend some time alone, get it out of my system then spend a life regretting leaving.

It's not his age, we are considerably older and dp can't keep his hands off me. When I first met him he was reluctant to touch because his ex wife hated it (long marriage) but he changed pretty quick. Nobody's perfect though, you need to trade off different qualities, don't assume the grass is greener and some things can be worked on with good communication

I think you should get some counselling for yourself. Don’t marry him until you’ve worked this out. I think the age difference alone is a problem. He will be fifty when you are 35. If you still feel unloved then you’ll be resentful and bitter. You need to talk this through with a counsellor either separately or together. Things won’t change from his end. You are already unhappy. It’s not good news.
However don’t imagine you will easily find someone else so be prepared to go it alone.

You dont leave for passion. You leave because you're immature and a using a man you're not in love with and you both deserve better. Sorry for the kid you've dragged into this mess but hopefully you can successfully coparent once the dust settles.

Harsh but I'm worried it's true. I'm not sure. I feel totally lost and like I don't know which way is up. If I truly loved him I'd know it right? Maybe I am immature but I was 22 when he met me so I'm not sure how bad I can feel for that.

Would you miss him if you left? What would you miss? Think about the good things, not some idea of passion and excitement. True love is kindness and compatibility in terms of life goals and support for one another .

I'm sorry @lostinthislife reading your post seems so sad. Your DP sounds like a wonderful man, and I can tell you think this too

I just wanted to touch on this

I'm definitely not seeking an affair but I do sometimes worry that if I met someone with that connection and sexual chemistry that I'd be tempted.
When reading your OP this is what I was thinking about. That if you were shown the attention from someone else you may cross a line. My worry would be if this isn't addressed with him now that you may look for the affection elsewhere and that will hurt your whole family. You too with guilt I'd imagine

I really think you need to sit down in a comfy setting and talk serious about how you feel. That you don't take him, his work, parenting or his contributions for granted but that you need love in other ways and ask what his thoughts are on this. Would he like it? Would it make him feel a bit giddy as I'm sure it will you after so long?

It sounds like you want permission to leave. That’s not something you need. Leave if you are unhappy. It’s your decision. Don’t waste your life unhappy to save someone else’s feelings.

I honestly believe you can just leave and you don’t needs anyone’s approval to do so but I did want to say a lot of people feel the way you do. A lot of people get to this stage in their relationship. I know very few people who have been together a long time and are genuinely happy. Honestly. Most bitch and moan constantly about their partner but would never leave for most of the reasons you say. Stability. Loyalty. A fear of the unknown. The grass isn’t always greener etc.

I appreciate at 26 you’ve hit this stage much younger then most but the reality of a long term relationship is a lot of the time the spark fades. It’s marriage or children or finances or fear keeping people together.

The ‘love story’ that you seem to seek is exceptionally rare to find. I’m not even sure I believe it exists.

While I do agree with lots of what other posters are saying, and I do think you should both go to counselling, i wonder if you're putting too much pressure on your DP being the "exciting" thing in your life. What about other areas? How do you feel about your job? You sound financially secure so could you retrain to something you're truly passionate about?

You've been together for four years, so you've been through the exciting getting to know each other phase, you've found out you're pregnant and had a baby, again all very exciting, and you've got engaged. So you've really had a whirlwind 4 years of pretty high-drama stuff! Now maybe it's all starting to settle and seeming a bit mundane and normal?

Yes, sorry, that was too harsh.

Love doesnt have to be passionate but there does need to be love. You are unhappy. You strongly suspect he's not"the one". Please dont just try to settle, it rarely ends well. Work out what you want to feel fulfilled, not just in this relationship but in the next bit of your life.

I was you but we were the same age I left after 20 years, my confidence and self esteem were rock bottom. I felt so so unloved. I hit a really low place. I’m now late 40s and 4 years in with the most amazing man, the passion, the little touches, notes & texts have never stopped. We cuddle up every night. I’m so so happy now.

There is a reason why the saying "the grass isn't always greener" exists.

I feel sad for your child that you'd break this family up searching for something that most likely doesn't exist

@lostinthislife I think you've posted before?

I simply don't understand why some women don't consider and decide these things during the dating period! I broke up with a man who was good but who I realised I was stopping fancying and had no real passion for. But that was after about 4 months (and I had already dragged out my decision since I was reluctant to break up with a nice man until I was absolutely sure, and shown the writing was on the wall before then as I knew it wasn't fair on him since he was keen on me).

Sorry but it's SO irresponsible and deceitful to have continued to the point you're in now. If you were a man posting you would be torn to shreds by many posters. You now have a child who's facing a whole childhood of never having his dad around all the time and a permanently broken family. You're presumably going to start searching for Mr Passion if you break up with this current guy and your son will have to deal with an unrelated man (or likely men) who are not his dad being forced into his life and home.

As others have said, be careful what you wish for. I had no regrets at the time of ending it with that nice guy I mentioned (who I had also known previously) and never thought about him at all after I ended things. Being a nice guy, he was snapped up quickly and was married in less than 2 years after I broke up with him.

Years down the line there's a real part of me that regrets leaving him and not changing my attitude to certain things, considering I did fancy him before. Regret due to his good points (genuinely kind, very good job so could provide etc.) because while I've met guys since then I've found much more attractive, there's ALWAYS some sort of issue e.g. they have lots of women after them, they don't have the same values as me, they don't want to settle down for a long time etc. I can't emphasise enough how hard it is to find a man who's genuinely good. A lot of the most "paasionate" men are those who are sleazes/unreliable/abusive/cheats. Because they're not necessarily passionate about you, but passionate about getting sex or being physical with a female. Saying that, if you and your boyfriend are very mismatched with physical affection then that's difficult but you would have seen that very early on.

This will sound harsh but good men really have their pick of single women, especially if they're attractive, and they'll be no reason at all for one to take on a woman who already has the huge baggage of a child that's not his who's going to be living with her a lot of the time and taking up her time, resources and attention. That's not to say it's impossible, but as women, especially as we reach late 20s and above, have to be realistic because the dating pool of men is really different from the women dating pool.

However, absolutely do not marry this man if you're unsure of him. It will be very unfair on him as you won't appreciate what you've got since you'll be fixated on what you're missing and will then end up divorcing him down the line. Your feelings will only get worse if you marry him. Talk with him (it sounds like you have different love languages - look it up). But if it doesn't resolve very soon within the next couple of months, please set him free to find a woman who truly loves him and matches his personality.

You need to leave. Speak to him, explain. Tell him you have more growing to do and make a plan that suits you both as far as is possible.

The sooner you do it the sooner he can get upright again and find the perfect fit for him too.

I didn't settle down until I was 40. I met DH and whilst he is ten years older we are so similar it's crazy. Had I married someone before I met him I know I would feel the way you do OP. Make a plan and get out into the world. This feeling will never go away and you only have one life, don't live it half lived.

@lostinthislife I've seen your other posts and to be honest sounds like you need to go for individual therapy and counselling for yourself before you make any decision, including marriage.

Your problems are stemming from you and your decisions, not any of these men, including your current boyfriend. Perhaps stemming from issues/experiences you've had in your past or childhood. You're going around choosing the wrong people at different ends of the scale and not taking a step back to reflect. It will only lead to big problems and heartbreak down the line and impact on your son.

From the sound of it you would really benefit from relationship counselling. I don't believe in staying together for children but I do think they deserve you spending time working on your relationship.

@DateXY, how old are you? Your post seems pessimistic but I also think realistic.

Good men are snapped up and remain in relationships and your comments on passion is quite insightful.

Op, you are very young and I do think late 20s is when we finally grow up. It's why it's so important not to settle down too early however you will need to prepare for being a single parent without a good relationship. What if you didn't find a good man for 5 years? Would you be happy to be solo, working, balancing childcare, sharing time with your child, managing financially on your own? If the alternative, staying in this relationship is less appealing then you have your answer.

Outside of the relationship are you happy? Do you have friends, hobbies, goals?

OP it sounds to me that it’s not necessarily the all-consuming type of passion that you’re craving (and that is only temporary) but a deeper kind of affection that gets demonstrated in lots of small everyday kind of ways. I’ve been with DH for 15 years and while the can’t-keep-your-hands-off-each-other phase has been and gone, we are still very much in love and show this in lots of ways with words and actions. We’ll just randomly hug each other, make cups of tea, make each other laugh, say I love you for no specific reason, etc. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship without those things. If you don’t either then think about whether you want to have one more go at your current relationship (maybe couples counselling so you can both talk and come up with a plan of action) or draw the line and walk away. Don’t stay just because you feel obliged to.

@MrsSchrute

So if he shows his love through acts of service, then he is demonstrating his love for you. He loves you, even if he doesn't show it as you would prefer. How do you show that you love him? I would think very long and hard before giving up your DC's home and stability, and leaving a kind and honest man who loves you, in search of something transient that you may well never find.

You are thinking about ending a marriage because he doesn't stroke you like a kitten and pet you like a puppy? Since you are only engaged you can certainly go off in search of your "grand passion" but I hope you leave your DC with the father so they will have a stable life.

I just feel so, so lost. I feel like I'm either going to leave now or regret it and hurt him and our son. I feel like if I don't leave it will just get worse and I'll regret not leaving sooner. I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. I do feel like I need to be on my own for a bit, but if I do he won't wait with open arms. I need to be so sure to make a choice either way and I'm not sure. I've worn all my family and closest friends down. They've talked to me about this a million times. It's driving me to the absolute edge and I feel like there's no way out.

Leave now and regret it*

I mean, your feelings are your feelings. But I think you are putting expectations from honeymoon periods onto a long-term relationship. I feel like your concerns are probably deep rooted in thinking you settled down way too early - rather than an issue with him in particular. Because what you're describing you want, you could have with someone new, but it will always die down after that 'honeymoon' phase of sex 24/7 is over.