Would I regret leaving over this?

[lostinthislife]

I'm really struggling to decide whether I leave or whether life is trade off, and I'd be trading family, stability etc for chasing a bit of passion. Everyone I've spoken to, my family, my friends they just say that on paper everything is so perfect and that I have so much lose and nothing to gain.

I'm engaged, with a toddler. It's both my and dp's first engagement or child, but he is quite a bit older (15 years).

I think realistically I've known since the start it's not some passionate love, it was less then that but I'd come out of a string of bad relationships and then met him and he was stable and reliable and I was drawn to that at that period in my life.

We're obviously quite deep in life now, and I'm so lucky in so many ways, he is a brilliant hands on father, he bought us a beautiful home, he works hard and provides for us. He's a good man. It makes it harder because if he was a prick I could just go, but he's the opposite. He's been through a lot of trauma in his life and all he's ever wanted is a family and he's finally got that. He's got his happy ever after.

I'm just feeling so unfulfilled. There isn't this big spark, this chemistry between us. There's no natural gravitation towards each other. No touching the small of your back when they walk past, no touches on the arm, no kind of coming over to you in a group, just little things like that to me speak loudly. He doesn't talk about his feelings, which I struggle with, not all the time but occasionally I do want to hear that I'm loved, I do want to hear why, I do want little compliments. I don't want to only peck on the lips hello and goodbye, I don't want to only kiss properly during (very occasional) sex. There's no oomph for me.

I've got to admit I've got a doubt that he really is that one person for me. I imagine myself all the time in way more passionate situations and crave that. I think about my ex's and how different it was a lot.

We are however, comfortable. Family life works ok as long as I compromise on all those things above. If I can get used to not being touched much. Get used to not feeling very loved. We get along and don't argue much, we can enjoy each other's company watching TV (from different ends of the sofa), we're good parents and our child is happy.

Do I want to throw away my child's two parent family, the house, the stability. All of it. For passion? Is life just a trade off and I'll meet someone I have that fire with but is a bad step dad? Or ends up leaving me? I just can't work out what to do here but I'm 26 years old and I feel like I'm writing off so much of what I want.

I'm pretty much twice your age and still experience desire and passion... you're so young to feel like this. My guess is that if you don't end it soon, someone will come along and give you what you crave and it could then get very messy indeed.

I've tried. They put me on antidepressants which I came off to ttc!! Am I mental!! I seem to be able to get so into the role of playing house that I can do all this stuff, buy houses, plan weddings, have kids and I just tell myself it'll be fine because he's a good guy and I ignore my doubts and then they build up until I explode like this. I don't want to rush to leave because I'm not blaming everything on him, I know I'm a huge huge part of the problem. But that's because of the age at which this happened for me, because I haven't been single since I was 15. I don't know who I am. I'm so lost. It may not be him, maybe it'll work out. I don't know which way is up anymore

We're obviously not ttc anymore, I have cancelled the wedding and stopped ttc and told him it's because I need to figure this stuff out. I am trying to take steps to make this better

OP - I think it’s an issue of you settling down way too young and now facing issues that women normally face in their 40s. ‘Is this it’ - as you go through daily grind.

You didn’t get to experience and fill up on ‘passion’ in your 20s that you’d otherwise have had. And now you have a grown up life and responsibilities. And it’s boring and you want some excitement.

You can of course leave. And date and look for that unrealistic ideal you have in your head. I think it’s based on your teenage experience of dating and Hollywood. But there will be men out there who’d happily provide the drama and excitement you are seeking. At least in the short term.
What you haven’t learned in your 20s is that those men are meant for fun and short term. They don’t make good partners. They don’t want to stick around and take kids to the park....

But if you leave now in search of ‘love’ and ‘passion’ - I think it’ll cause a world of pain for your kid. And you’ll be back on MN crying over the crappy men you are dating. Because that would most likely be your reality. Do you want to drag your son through this?

I think you need to actually face reality and your responsibilities. You have a kid - be a mouther first, at least for the short time when he is small. He needs you now. And your happiness can wait a little bit.
When he is a big older, you can still leave and find your excitement.

In parallel - I’d also make sure that you had a career and a job that can give you some fulfilment. You didn’t mention if you worked but it sounds like you have nothing in your life other than a baby and pondering your lack of passion.

And - I’d also try to improve your relationship with your H in the meanwhile. I think it’s also the case of him not really hearing you. But he sounds like a good man, so maybe relationships counselling may be something that would get to him.

He married a young woman, he needs to make more effort of keeping up with you. And if you need words and not only actions of love - he can make himself be more that way. He is a grown up.
He just needs to get the importance of those thjngs for you. Properly get it.

OP,

How would you feel if your DP became that passionate person you wanted?

Imagine this evening, he cuddled you on the sofa and initiated sex.

And then from tomorrow, he starts sending you 'I love you' texts, and 'you looked amazing this morning' etc.

Would you be glad and start to feel happy, or would you think 'bollocks, now how the hell can I leave'?'

@DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo

OP,

How would you feel if your DP became that passionate person you wanted?

Imagine this evening, he cuddled you on the sofa and initiated sex.

And then from tomorrow, he starts sending you 'I love you' texts, and 'you looked amazing this morning' etc.

Would you be glad and start to feel happy, or would you think 'bollocks, now how the hell can I leave'?'

I honestly don't know. I like to think that would make all the difference. The one instant thought that came to my mind reading that was that there would still be the factor of the age gap. Nothing can change that and it does give me anxiety when I think about it though it doesn't seem overly noticeable on the day to day. I do sometimes think I'm missing out on sharing life with someone my own age. I don't want to leave for this alone though because it's not fair on him, I knew his age. And it could work regardless.

And don't heap all the blame on yourself, OP.

At 22, you were a young woman barely out of teens.

He was a 37 year old grown man. Hardly admirable, preying on your vulnerabilities.

I think it would be wrong of you to leave ...
If you haven’t spoken to your dp and explained how you feel ,and given him chance to make the changes in the relationship you need.
My friend has 3 children with 3 different dads ,because she is chasing exactly what you crave she’s looking for what you are looking for ,she is 48 now having mainly single her whole life ,just looking for the perfect relationship,never been married..
At nearly 50 ,I can tell you a number of my friends are single and are looking for what you have .
But at mid 20s you think there is more out there .
You sadly have a case of the grass is always greener

I suspect you will leave ,but at nearly 50 you will look back and regret it

I shouldn't talk to my mum but I do, time and time again and she just lists the reasons I shouldn't. I'll be a single mum, I'll have no money, no job, I'll lose my son 50% of the time, I'll be starting again with nothing, I'll barely even have time to date, I'll end up moving back in with her and my dad. She just says I have nothing to gain and everything to lose. She can see how great he is, everyone can, he's a fucking brilliant dad, I cannot fault him. It's just that something missing. The fact that I have these days sometimes week long meltdowns over whether I want to be with him. I'm in turmoil inside. I will have a 3 day period where I cry and don't eat or drink a thing. It's not normal. She says I'm bringing it all on myself, she gets so annoyed when I bring up the age gap and says it's not even that big and that it shouldn't be a factor. I struggle to form my own opinions, decisions, I'm so impressionable. I just don't know what thoughts are mine and which have been rammed in my head by other people. It has to be quite telling that not a single person in my life thinks I should leave, my mum, my siblings, my friends, I've spoken to so many people who just can't understand what I'm thinking. They all keep saying I have the dream. I have what the single ones of them are looking for. It's so hard.

I think you need some headspace. Would it be possible to book a couple of weeks in a cottage somewhere and ask your partner to look after your son, or your mother? Go away and think carefully about what you want. You sound very depressed and absolutely miserable.

Regardless of what other people want, you need to do what is right for you. They aren't living your life . From the outside it might seem lovely, but no one else can understand the loneliness and isolation you are feeling. I think though that if you left you might be just as miserable, because you have no life. No job, no hobbies, nothing that fills you with joy. You need more than a relationship, you need a life. If you're living on your own with your child, will you develop a life or will you still feel miserable bored and lonely?

Having just read through all your comments op ,I would say actually don’t do anything untill you have had a good few months on your antidepressants..you sound very depressed,..soon things will start to go back to normal as restrictions lift and you won’t be stuck at home so much .
I think get back on your antidepressants,get out more ,get some excerise ,make some plans for things to look forward to .book a holiday as a family ..try to improve all areas of your life ,then if you still feel the same ,you can leave knowing you did everything you could to keep your family together

“She says I'm bringing it all on myself, she gets so annoyed when I bring up the age gap and says it's not even that big and that it shouldn't be a factor. I struggle to form my own opinions, decisions, I'm so impressionable. I just don't know what thoughts are mine and which have been rammed in my head by other people. It has to be quite telling that not a single person in my life thinks I should leave, my mum, my siblings, my friends, I've spoken to so many people who just can't understand what I'm thinking. They all keep saying I have the dream. I have what the single ones of them are looking for. It's so hard.”

But no-one dreams of living with someone they don’t love. And the age gap is big particularly given your age when you got together. You’d barely reached adulthood and he was nearing middle age.

Every relationship is different . I am not a touchy-feely passionate person at all but have been married for over 40 years .

I think one important question is , if your partner did all the things you want , was more affectionate , wanted sex more , etc etc would you be happy then ? If he changed would your mindset change as well ?

I agree with going back on antidepressants and giving them time. You don’t sound in the right head space to be making life changing decisions. Also get yourself some counselling, individually and as a couple.

How old is your baby? Could you have PND?

@Springsnake

Having just read through all your comments op ,I would say actually don’t do anything untill you have had a good few months on your antidepressants..you sound very depressed,..soon things will start to go back to normal as restrictions lift and you won’t be stuck at home so much . I think get back on your antidepressants,get out more ,get some excerise ,make some plans for things to look forward to .book a holiday as a family ..try to improve all areas of your life ,then if you still feel the same ,you can leave knowing you did everything you could to keep your family together

Excellent advice from @Springsnake.

Well your mum should have been warning you at age 22 getting together with a man so much older. I know I would. My eldest isn't too much younger than you were and I would be appalled if they got together with someone in their late 30s! And at 22 I remember thinking 28 was quite old. He took advantage and it quite frankly sickens me when i see all these older people with their young partners nearly young enough to be their child. I think it is so unfair on them.

I have a friend who got married really young to a much older man and now that she's in her 50s thought it was wrong. She had to grow up quickly and missed out on a lot in life and she regrets it.

And infrequent sex and barely any touching is not normal and not what most people would want in a marriage. You're not asking for something wild and unusual, you're asking for what I think is a pretty basic need in a relationship. Just because he's a good father and he provides doesn't mean he's the right person for you. He doesn't even seem to want you really. Not as his wife anyway.

And you do sound depressed but it is because you're in a pretty horrible place. Don't listen to anyone except yourself. Do what is right for you. Once you feel happier, your parenting will be more engaged.

I had my doubts about the age gap when we first met and my mum talked me out of them. She loved him. Said he was exactly what I needed. Everyone thought that when they met him.

@lostinthislife

OP - other than being unhappy and wanting something else. How would your life be if you left? Is your mom right on the practicalities?
Can you support yourself and your child 50%? Will you be able to afford a house?
Or are you expecting your parents to support you?

I think you sound quite depressed, actually. And in need of help before you make any big changes in your life.

OP that is weird your mum talking you out of your doubts over a relationship with a much older man. That isn't right. This isn't your fault and I feel like everyone is trying to control you. Again, it is your life. You make the decisions. You don't need permission from anyone.

[quote MMmomDD]@lostinthislife

OP - other than being unhappy and wanting something else. How would your life be if you left? Is your mom right on the practicalities?
Can you support yourself and your child 50%? Will you be able to afford a house?
Or are you expecting your parents to support you?

I think you sound quite depressed, actually. And in need of help before you make any big changes in your life.[/quote]
I would go from living comfortably in a 4 bed detached house, big garden, nuclear family with more than enough money for nice things and holidays to unemployed, either living with my parents or maybe renting somewhere with benefits and juggling single motherhood and hoping I'd meet someone better.

I'll take that if it means we're all happier in the end, but there's so much to lose I need to be so sure.

I think the big problem is the fact you've never been a single adult. All those people encouraging you to stay are coming at it from the viewpoint that a man like that is worth holding on to. Yes, once you've experienced single life, numerous dates, some good some bad. At a particular life stage a good man is something most of us want. Except you didn't experience "life" first. I firmly believe everyone needs time to live alone and figure themselves out. No disrespect to your mum but I have an adult DD and no way would I ever actively encourage her to date someone so much older.

So that brings us to now. You're stuck and whatever you do will be wrong in someone's eyes. We can't turn back time, what's done is done. So you've delayed the wedding and ttc, I think that's sensible.

You don't want to leave so I think yes, anti depressants to start then, as many others have suggested, get a job. Find out who you are. It will also put you in a far better position financially should you decide to leave at some stage.

I sympathise with you a lot but you're acting like a helpless passenger in your own life. You need to take some control. Even if it's something as minor as finding a hobby that gets you out of the house and mixing with people.

You can make your own money. You can get out and work, have a career, meet people. It isn't that hard and you'll be entitled to help.

Maybe what you should do first is look at getting a job. Don't look to jump ship and finding someone else to look after you because you run the risk of making the wrong decision.

Get a job and be independent. That way you'll only be with someone because you want to be and not because you need to be.

Sorry, I do have a PT job, but I only live where I do because dp works here. I would move back to where I'm from if we split, so then wouldn't have a job as it's not too far but too far too commute twice a day.

“I had my doubts about the age gap when we first met and my mum talked me out of them. She loved him. Said he was exactly what I needed. Everyone thought that when they met him.”

Your mum had no business talking you out of your doubts about this relationship. She let you down very badly. That’s why she’s got a stake in keeping you where she put you.

I’m sure she meant well but why on earth was she so keen to marry you off? What century is she living in? Is she living in a Jane Austen novel? Doesn’t she realise women can make their own way in the world now?

No wonder you’re depressed, OP - no-one’s been listening to you and you’ve been pushed into a life you weren’t ready for with a man you may not love who doesn’t begin to meet your most basic emotional needs.

Agree with the PP who have said: find childcare for your toddler and get back into the workplace. The anti-depressants may be helpful at least for a while. My concern is that your depression is to do with unhappiness which is entirely justified and needs to be resolved practically. You shouldn’t take anti-depressants in order to stay in a relationship which you really need to leave. That’s why I think getting back into the workplace is probably the most important next step you can take.

Why did you get engaged and fall pregnant with a man you do not love? He’s in his 40s and you’re in your 20s so of course you’re at different life stages and from completely different generations. You shouldn’t have been leading him on. You need to break up before you bring your DC into a messy family with parents who don’t love each other.