Would I regret leaving over this?

[lostinthislife]

I'm really struggling to decide whether I leave or whether life is trade off, and I'd be trading family, stability etc for chasing a bit of passion. Everyone I've spoken to, my family, my friends they just say that on paper everything is so perfect and that I have so much lose and nothing to gain.

I'm engaged, with a toddler. It's both my and dp's first engagement or child, but he is quite a bit older (15 years).

I think realistically I've known since the start it's not some passionate love, it was less then that but I'd come out of a string of bad relationships and then met him and he was stable and reliable and I was drawn to that at that period in my life.

We're obviously quite deep in life now, and I'm so lucky in so many ways, he is a brilliant hands on father, he bought us a beautiful home, he works hard and provides for us. He's a good man. It makes it harder because if he was a prick I could just go, but he's the opposite. He's been through a lot of trauma in his life and all he's ever wanted is a family and he's finally got that. He's got his happy ever after.

I'm just feeling so unfulfilled. There isn't this big spark, this chemistry between us. There's no natural gravitation towards each other. No touching the small of your back when they walk past, no touches on the arm, no kind of coming over to you in a group, just little things like that to me speak loudly. He doesn't talk about his feelings, which I struggle with, not all the time but occasionally I do want to hear that I'm loved, I do want to hear why, I do want little compliments. I don't want to only peck on the lips hello and goodbye, I don't want to only kiss properly during (very occasional) sex. There's no oomph for me.

I've got to admit I've got a doubt that he really is that one person for me. I imagine myself all the time in way more passionate situations and crave that. I think about my ex's and how different it was a lot.

We are however, comfortable. Family life works ok as long as I compromise on all those things above. If I can get used to not being touched much. Get used to not feeling very loved. We get along and don't argue much, we can enjoy each other's company watching TV (from different ends of the sofa), we're good parents and our child is happy.

Do I want to throw away my child's two parent family, the house, the stability. All of it. For passion? Is life just a trade off and I'll meet someone I have that fire with but is a bad step dad? Or ends up leaving me? I just can't work out what to do here but I'm 26 years old and I feel like I'm writing off so much of what I want.

@Gingerodgers

I base lots of my life decisions on a cost/ benefit basis. Does this situation take more than it gives? Applied to jobs, friendships, hobbies etc. At the end of the day, only you can decide to stay, or to go. If you decide to stay , give it 100% effort, because it be a real bummer if your husband made the decision that you’re not worth it, as you seem to have one foot out of the relationship. I don’t know if that makes sense, but good luck

I’m intrigued by this approach. As someone with a chronic inability to make decisions, I need some sort of strategy!

He's not her husband.
They are NOT married.

You say you were in messy relationships when you were 18-22...totally normal for the young age you were.

That is how you find out who you are, what you want.

I agree with @Dery and @Sakurami and many others.

The age gap was enormous and your mother is a total disgrace pushing you into a relationship when you were so clearly far too young and immature for.

The difference between 22 and 37 in life experience if absolutely enormous.

I think most people grow enormously in that 15 year time frame.

Whatever his intention at the time, he was very very wrong.

He acted solely in his best interests.

He works hard and long hours and at the weekends so it sounds as if you are on your own a lot.

Whatever anyone says to you about being crazy to leave, you are one desperately unhappy woman.

I don't think you love the father of your child, I don't think you ever did.

I am deeply suspicious of men that look for a partner years younger than them.

They may not all be abusive men but they certainly relish the role as the senior, more experienced, "wiser" person in the relationship.

TTC before being married and go off your meds was clearly NOT in YOUR best interests but you did it.

Did you feel pressure?
Was he keen to have a child?

You are living in HIS fine house with NO rights because you are NOT married, again not in your best interests.

It all seems to have been for him to gain, a child, a family, without you having any rights.

An older man clearly seeing with the wood from the trees, whilst you did not.

I think you need to focus on trying to figure out what you want, go back on your meds, and seek proper therapy.

I think whatever happens he will be just fine.
It's YOU who needs support and protection from being forced into things that may not be in your best interests.

This situation was not IMO in your best interests.
Please see your GP asap and reach out for MH supports again.

We don't know anything about the OPs partner or his intentions. He may genuinely love her and want the best for her . He doesn't sound abusive. What is clear is that there are quite serious MH issues for the OP and she is struggling to cope. She needs much more support and proper counselling.

To me it sounds like you have low self esteem and don’t believe you are worthy of a loving and decent relationship. You’re chasing some wild, passionate romance because it’s ‘exciting’ and dangerous but you have a young child to consider now too- children need and deserve stability, endless wild short lived romances aren’t compatible with that I’m afraid.

Try counselling. Stability may seem boring but it’s preferable to short lived passion (it never ever lasts).

Look I appreciate the unhappiness which relationships without love can bring. But can we move away from "feelings" and talk about practicalities? They do say that it's more pleasant to cry in a mansion than in a shared flat. And even if the OP leaves her other problems will stay with her - only she will also need to start scratching her head about money.

OP, I would shift the focus from your relationship to yourself. Get a proper job. Put your son into nursery. Start getting out and actually doing something. I bet your DP didn't put you on the house deeds? Grow up a bit, get some skills and learn to earn money. Either get on a mortgage or marry him, so that at least, if things don't work out, you will have some share of the marital assets to fall back on.

But the most important thing- just thinking about yourself, investing in yourself so that you would be in a much stronger position on your own. You are not ready to leave now, you are frankly an emotional and practical mess, and I say this with kindness.

Is there a reason you haven't married? I know that isn't the litmus test for a relationship, but given the context it might be relevant.

If I were u I would work on all the issues u have named before entertaining the thought of leaving. Yes u very well may find another man who ticks all those boxes but like u say he could be a crap step dad or u might introduce him into ur child’s life and down the road things fizzle out and ur back to where u started. Passionate kissing, touches on the back etc fizzle out with the most passionate relationships too, especially when family happens and responsibility happens etc. Please only leave if u are truly unable to fix any of the things u mentioned. First step for u is to talk to OH and out ur cards on the table x

Sorry, I did scan your posts but missed the info about cancelling your wedding.

@MandalaYogaTapestry

Look I appreciate the unhappiness which relationships without love can bring. But can we move away from "feelings" and talk about practicalities? They do say that it's more pleasant to cry in a mansion than in a shared flat. And even if the OP leaves her other problems will stay with her - only she will also need to start scratching her head about money.

OP, I would shift the focus from your relationship to yourself. Get a proper job. Put your son into nursery. Start getting out and actually doing something. I bet your DP didn't put you on the house deeds? Grow up a bit, get some skills and learn to earn money. Either get on a mortgage or marry him, so that at least, if things don't work out, you will have some share of the marital assets to fall back on.

But the most important thing- just thinking about yourself, investing in yourself so that you would be in a much stronger position on your own. You are not ready to leave now, you are frankly an emotional and practical mess, and I say this with kindness.

I completely agree with this

You said yourself that you are prone to making decisions on impulse. Now you need to do things step by step. How long have you been in counselling? Usually they advise people not to make any big life-changing decisions while you're in the early stages of counselling or therapy. It can be hard to accept is that life is a mixed bag and sometimes no decision is perfect. There are no guarantees of happiness whatever you do and maybe there will be regrets whatever you choose - but equally whatever you choose there will also be some very happy times ahead.

The really important relationship at the moment is the one you are building with your toddler. Most toddlers like cuddles and pats and affection too, so if you can get that sorted then you are onto a winner. Leaving your husband will not help you build a better relationship with your child so it isn't so important right now.

Focussing so much on whether to leave or stay could be distracting yourself from what really matters. It's OK to stay put for the time being while you get the other stuff sorted, and you can make big decisions about the marriage later. It's great that your DH will go to marriage counselling with you. In the meantime keep talking to your own counsellor, keep doing the yoga, and give your medication time to bed in.

Take a break from mentally torturing yourself. Say to yourself ‘ I’m going to put this whole dilemma on the backburner for say, one month ‘.

Then come back to it when you have given your mind, a break. Hopefully, you’ll have more clarity.

I agree with the last few posts. I think you need to take a step back from the leave/stay battle and just focus on you and your son.

Toddlers are hard and lots of people (including me) really found lockdown hard. It's like the joy got sucked out of life for a while.

Give your counselling a proper shot. Get a different counsellor if the one you have is useless. See your GP. Get out for walks and build things you enjoy doing into your day. Make plans and give yourself stuff to look forward to. Work on ways you can find a job or hobby that you find really fulfilling. One of the big benefits of being financially stable is that you can afford to retrain.

You can still choose to walk away later if you want.

Did you ever feel passionate about him? Do you like him touching you? Do you want to be intimate with him?

It's easy to say he doesn't do this/that, but it's another to say I don't want him to do this/that.

Like PP have said, single parenting is not a walk in the park, it's bloody hard, however, I think it's hard being with someone (however good they are) if you don't have feelings for them. I spent quite a few years with someone who I'd describe as a 'good catch' basis my age/time of life, but despite all his good points (shitty ones too) I just didn't have those feelings for him, I gave it my best shot, but no, I called it a day, for both our sakes.

People will say you don't come across many good men, which is quite true, but we can't help how we feel can we🤷🏻‍♀️