Would I regret leaving over this?

[lostinthislife]

I'm really struggling to decide whether I leave or whether life is trade off, and I'd be trading family, stability etc for chasing a bit of passion. Everyone I've spoken to, my family, my friends they just say that on paper everything is so perfect and that I have so much lose and nothing to gain.

I'm engaged, with a toddler. It's both my and dp's first engagement or child, but he is quite a bit older (15 years).

I think realistically I've known since the start it's not some passionate love, it was less then that but I'd come out of a string of bad relationships and then met him and he was stable and reliable and I was drawn to that at that period in my life.

We're obviously quite deep in life now, and I'm so lucky in so many ways, he is a brilliant hands on father, he bought us a beautiful home, he works hard and provides for us. He's a good man. It makes it harder because if he was a prick I could just go, but he's the opposite. He's been through a lot of trauma in his life and all he's ever wanted is a family and he's finally got that. He's got his happy ever after.

I'm just feeling so unfulfilled. There isn't this big spark, this chemistry between us. There's no natural gravitation towards each other. No touching the small of your back when they walk past, no touches on the arm, no kind of coming over to you in a group, just little things like that to me speak loudly. He doesn't talk about his feelings, which I struggle with, not all the time but occasionally I do want to hear that I'm loved, I do want to hear why, I do want little compliments. I don't want to only peck on the lips hello and goodbye, I don't want to only kiss properly during (very occasional) sex. There's no oomph for me.

I've got to admit I've got a doubt that he really is that one person for me. I imagine myself all the time in way more passionate situations and crave that. I think about my ex's and how different it was a lot.

We are however, comfortable. Family life works ok as long as I compromise on all those things above. If I can get used to not being touched much. Get used to not feeling very loved. We get along and don't argue much, we can enjoy each other's company watching TV (from different ends of the sofa), we're good parents and our child is happy.

Do I want to throw away my child's two parent family, the house, the stability. All of it. For passion? Is life just a trade off and I'll meet someone I have that fire with but is a bad step dad? Or ends up leaving me? I just can't work out what to do here but I'm 26 years old and I feel like I'm writing off so much of what I want.

“I think the big problem is the fact you've never been a single adult. All those people encouraging you to stay are coming at it from the viewpoint that a man like that is worth holding on to. Yes, once you've experienced single life, numerous dates, some good some bad. At a particular life stage a good man is something most of us want. Except you didn't experience "life" first. I firmly believe everyone needs time to live alone and figure themselves out.”

This with bells on. It is SO important to spend time as a single adult. You learn so much about yourself including that you can rely on yourself and have a happy single life if circumstances point that way. At 32, you may have been ready to embrace what your OH offered, but not at 22. And that’s why it’s so wrong that your mum pushed you into this. His age meant you’ve been rushed into parenthood and settling down and it wasn’t right for you.

I think your view of what life could be like is unrealistic. The value of a loyal, good partner is priceless. You must surely have read on Mumsnet about the difficulties of co-parenting children, and then the deeper difficulty of your lovely man finding someone new who maybe is a bit selfish and doesn't want your current partner to give as much time and attention to your child as he would have before.

You will probably change over time and value having the stability that allows you to fulfill who you are . You can't fulfill who you are when your struggling with life either.

Also, it would be unfair to your child and hurtful and sad for your partner.

We both pursued things at the start, I don't think it was predatory and extreme reactions to the age gap do make me uncomfortable because I don't want to see myself as some kind of victim. We worked together, different departments and I believe it happened quite naturally. In his defence, you don't really notice the age gap is so large between us, he looks younger, has a young outlook in many ways. It was the idea of the age gap that was always my concern rather than the actual reality, it was the concern for the future, and other people's opinions etc that put me off. My mum talked me out of them saying he was just what I needed, and him being that bit older could give me the stability I clearly needed from some rocky and difficult relationships between 18-22. I don't think she meant any harm. And I don't think he sought me out as some kind of prey. He definitely wasn't this settled when we met, we got to this stage together. I really don't want to think of him as some kind of predator, I really do take peoples words on board far too much and if I start believing this then there will be no hope of us working out.

I'm surprised that so many posters here are dismissing your feelings or basically not taking them seriously. It might be to do with the fact that you've disclosed your age. Also, disregard people going on about 'love languages' because whilst it does look good on paper, all it results in is two people, or one never feeling truly fulfilled. If someone made/served you food that was never a big enough portion to fill you up, then of course it means something that they made that for you out if love, but it doesn't make it taste any better does it, nor does it fill you up. All it means is that you'll go permanently hungry for the rest of your life. That's similar to this whole 'love languages' thing that people spout as if it fixes everything. Maybe it does in some cases, but some needs are hardwired.

I think you are terribly lonely. You just don't seem to feel connected to him and it's far too early in your relationship to feel like you do. Whilst passion, excitment or oomph rarely last, I hope you would say that you'd be happy with being content, in being in a relationship where you feel connected, where you are shown a lot of affection.

You don't seem to have a fulfilling sex life - that's a problem for most people. He doesn't initiate affection or doesn't seem bothered by it - that would be a problem for most women here whether they are sexually driven or not.

Do you have things in common with each other? How often do you laugh together or are enthusiastic about the same thing at the same time? Does he seem interested in spending time with you. Can he make good conversation? How lively is he as a person?

How many friends do you have? How often do you go out with them? Does he have his own friends or is he always in the house? How many activities do you do together outside the house? Do you think you enjoy the highs and lows of a temptestious relationships? There's nothing wrong with that but it does often negatively affect the people around people like that including children. Just a few questions to ask yourself before you decide to break this up.

15 years IS a big age gap, especially at your age!!! He's 41!! It seems like you've always known deep down that this was an issue for you, but because of bad past choices maybe and your mother deciding what's good for you, you've tried your best to make your head rule your heart and it just hasn't worked out because you're miserable and unfulfilled in a relationships which seems more like good friends or housemates, at least on your side.

The only advice I had to give is - in future, if you decide to break up and search for another relationship, be careful that you don't over correct and end up with someone that's fun but really bad for you. I do think for multiple reasons you should think very carefully before ending this relationship, however, please be careful in investing a lot into this 'I should stay with him because he's a nice guy' idea. He's a nice guy now. He might not be a nice guy in 20 years. People change and not always fir the better. There are women on her who are absolutely shocked that their apparently loyal, good husband and lovely father to their children had a proper affair or disappointed or betrayed them in some other way. If you found that out about him after 10 -20 years, after staying with him for such a long time for the sake of your child, would that have still been worth it?

@lostinthislife

I've tried. They put me on antidepressants which I came off to ttc!! Am I mental!! I seem to be able to get so into the role of playing house that I can do all this stuff, buy houses, plan weddings, have kids and I just tell myself it'll be fine because he's a good guy and I ignore my doubts and then they build up until I explode like this. I don't want to rush to leave because I'm not blaming everything on him, I know I'm a huge huge part of the problem. But that's because of the age at which this happened for me, because I haven't been single since I was 15. I don't know who I am. I'm so lost. It may not be him, maybe it'll work out. I don't know which way is up anymore

Also, did you ever actually truly want this kind of safe, calm, domesticated life? Some people don't. It sounds like you were convinced into it - you convinced yourself maybe because it's what you thought was 'right' (and then therefore should be something you want), and that persuaded you into it too. Did you really want a child at this age?

There's no use anyone thinking you're immature, spoilt or never experienced true hardship, which could be a tendency in your case (and I understand why many would think that). Some people just don't get any fulfilment out of comfortable domesticity or stable relationships. They feel trapped, unhappy in what feels like a padded and pretty decorated cage. It feels stale and monotonous and eats away at them. They almost become like the human equivalent of a caged, understimulated bird plucking out it's own feathers in distress.

The one thing a lot of people are grabbing on to here is his age, does this mean I shouldn't be looking at fixing things? Does the age gap mean this should be a cut your losses now situation regardless of our child? Genuine question, I'm lost. I need to be guided because I don't know what thoughts are mine, what are thoughts I've read online, what is guilt. I don't know. I'm so lost

You cant fix anything - and you cant know whether it's fixable - until you work out what it is that you want. So maybe spend a little time getting your head straight and trying to work that out.

It's so pathetic I'm still looking to be told what to do. There is a big part of me that thinks we have the potential to be a great family and have a good life but then this icky feeling about the age gap creeps in and ruins it. I just don't necessarily know if it's my feeling or the feelings of various MNetters from various age gap friends making me feel like prey to some sleaze.

I would go from living comfortably in a 4 bed detached house, big garden, nuclear family with more than enough money for nice things and holidays to unemployed, either living with my parents or maybe renting somewhere with benefits and juggling single motherhood and hoping I'd meet someone better.

I don't really have anything else to add that hasn't already been said, but bear in mind that he might not willingly give up his son. He has a big home, stability, is very loving and hands-on as a parent, can offer your son all that he needs (except his mother).

You would be on benefits, no steady home - maybe even sofa-surfing and - really not wanting to condemn you for it, as you're going through a great deal at the moment - but if you're on your phone during all of your son's waking hours and this is known about/emerges, I can very, very well see any court awarding your DP full-time custody, with you minimal visiting rights - maybe even ordered to be supervised, possibly wanting SS involved (or your DP reporting and requesting this).

In the event of a split, in most cases, custody/residency is awarded to the mother because, all factors taken into account, she is considered to be the best person for the job and/or the father is unreliable or simply doesn't want to know - it isn't a given purely as a result of being female.

Would you be happy to give up both your DP AND your son (except for occasional visits) in pursuit of whatever passion may or may not be around the corner?

This isn't all your fault 💐

I know you say you both wanted the relationship and he didn't take advantage etc BUT he didn't consider you were only 22 & he was 37. He was old enough to have backed off, or at the very least taken things much more slowly, but he didn't. He wanted what he wanted without any thought to how he was pulling a very young woman into
What HE wanted, so if you need to leave, he only has himself to blame.

As fir your Mum. I'm sure she means well, but she should never have pushed you into a 'settled' relationship when YOU had doubts. 🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

You're 25, you're far too young to 'settle' when you're so unhappy. He's only 41, he sounds much older.

Wanting that connection where he touches you/texts you/wants to be near you isn't fleeting passion, it's 'love'. You want to be loved, and you should be. I'm probably your mums age (52) and I'd be encouraging you & supporting you to do what you need to be happy. You're 25. FAR too young 'to settle unhappily' 💐

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I would go from living comfortably in a 4 bed detached house, big garden, nuclear family with more than enough money for nice things and holidays to unemployed, either living with my parents or maybe renting somewhere with benefits and juggling single motherhood and hoping I'd meet someone better.

I don't really have anything else to add that hasn't already been said, but bear in mind that he might not willingly give up his son. He has a big home, stability, is very loving and hands-on as a parent, can offer your son all that he needs (except his mother).

You would be on benefits, no steady home - maybe even sofa-surfing and - really not wanting to condemn you for it, as you're going through a great deal at the moment - but if you're on your phone during all of your son's waking hours and this is known about/emerges, I can very, very well see any court awarding your DP full-time custody, with you minimal visiting rights - maybe even ordered to be supervised, possibly wanting SS involved (or your DP reporting and requesting this).

In the event of a split, in most cases, custody/residency is awarded to the mother because, all factors taken into account, she is considered to be the best person for the job and/or the father is unreliable or simply doesn't want to know - it isn't a given purely as a result of being female.

Would you be happy to give up both your DP AND your son (except for occasional visits) in pursuit of whatever passion may or may not be around the corner?

I've thought about this a lot, I've not been good the last year, all of the reasons above and I have had the crisis team out a few times when suicidal. I've also been to the GP and health visitor for support with struggling to cope. So that would all count against me. He works a lot, including weekends so that would be the only thing in my favour but yes, he has mentioned that he'd never be happy with an every other weekend version of fatherhood and would fight for the maximum he can get. I don't blame him. He is such a good dad and this is all he's ever wanted. I wouldn't cope with losing my son, supervised visitation only would push me over the edge.

To the person who said she would be giving up her son, of course she wouldn't!

OP you don't have to make a decision right now either way. You can see how you feel in a few months, you can have a trial separation, you can look at getting into a career, you can split but still live in the same house until you have the means to move out (or he moves out). Take your time, don't be influenced by other people, don't feel guilty about being unhappy and wanting happiness. Your husband and your mum should have known better than to encourage you to settle down so young. There was no rush.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I can very, very well see any court awarding your DP full-time custody, with you minimal visiting rights - maybe even ordered to be supervised, possibly wanting SS involved (or your DP reporting and requesting this)

No way would this happen. In lockdown she's on a device a lot, along with pretty much everyone else in country. Your scaremongering is not going to help the OP.

“Wanting that connection where he touches you/texts you/wants to be near you isn't fleeting passion, it's 'love'. You want to be loved, and you should be. I'm probably your mums age (52) and I'd be encouraging you & supporting you to do what you need to be happy. You're 25. FAR too young on 'to settle unhappily'”

This with bells on.

@lostinthislife - the age gap is particularly significant because you were so young when you and he got together. If you’d been 32 and him 47, the 15 year age difference would probably seem a lot less relevant. But in your case, it sounds like that you were hurried into a more settled life than you really wanted or were ready for. If you’ve been together 4 years and already have a toddler, then you must have been pregnant within about 18 months of getting together. Everything’s been rushed and I think a lot of that is to do with his age.

As I said before - some age-gap relationships work out well even where one partner was very young when it started. There are posters on here who will testify to that. But it doesn’t sound like this is one of them. And it does sound like everything was rushed because he, at 37, felt ready to settle down and took no account of whether you, at 22, had different needs. And I’m still not sure why your mother was so keen to marry you off at such a young age.

You say a string of bad relationships happened before meeting him? Do you want to go back t9 kissing a lot of frogs again? FWIW a 40 yo man should be very up for sex. You describe someone mid 50s so I was surprised at his actual age. I think you have done the wrong thing and he will not get any more interesting with age. Even more boring I think.

Honestly I would walk away now and not live a half life. Expecting fireworks, hearts and flowers is unrealistic, but this man is colourless. Just learn from it all

I can't find the comment but someone somewhere asked if this was even the kind of life I wanted, and the weird thing is yes. I'm not a huge career oriented person, I love a holiday but I don't want to pack up and travel for a year straight, I've always wanted a family. My family was very unstable growing up, it still is, and it's not a straightforward relationship I have with my parents, they have a lot of difficulties of their own. I shouldn't necessarily take their advice. This is what I wanted, I may not of planned it so soon but I didn't even plan it that much later. I always hoped to have kids in my twenties, albeit late not early twenties.

That was probably me who asked that. Maybe you've found out that this kind of life doesn't make you happy after all, or, you simply settled down with the wrong person, emotionally anyway. He was obviously the right person to be a father and a provider, but not the right person emotionally for you.

We've had a chat and we've both cried a bit. He's agreed to couples counselling. He said he gets it and that he didn't have anything figured out at 25. He said he knows things aren't right either and that he's not making enough effort with me and is letting the stress of his job be an excuse to neglect me. We will see I guess. So far it's all been on me so it's nice to share the burden a little bit and know that he knows things aren't good either

Oh Op I really feel for both of you in this situation.

Your mental health is affected. You are beating yourself and questioning all your ‘perceived’ wrong decisions in life. Settling down you, the age gap, getting engaged, having a baby, the missing spark.feeling a lot of guilt about your child.

He is living with a partner who is clearly unhappy, taking about leaving, one foot out the door, potentially not having his child living with him.

Please don’t focus on the age gap -there are people of the same age that have the same problems.

It’s great that he has agreed to couples counselling.

What are the positives in your relationship? Hopefully there are some.

I agree with others that it sounds like you are depressed with circular intrusive thoughts.

Your feelIngs are unlikely to be solved in ending the relationship on the hope of meeting someone else and having passion.

Try to improve by taking the antidepressants, both have counselling, and also think about a career path for yourself.

But don’t think you things would be different if didn’t have an age gap. Or focus too much on those negative thoughts.

At your age, without a child, I would have just left and moved on. But with a child it's not so clear cut. Sometimes I think we need to stand by our decisions, even those we may come to regret, because we have a duty to others. I'm not saying you should spend a life time with this man but I think you owe it to both him and your son to give it more of a chance.

Having a child is a big life change for both of you and will make it harder for you to give each other your full attention. Its easy for the focus to be all on the child and for your needs to be neglected.

Have you read about love languages? Have you told him how you feel? Have you tried counselling?

No amount of angsting over this will give you any insight into your future whether you stay or go. Be proactive and try and see if you can make things better.

If you find you can't, well you're still very young so it is not as if you're wasting your youth on this relationship. And he is at that age where he is no longer very young, but neither is he too old to find someone else to have a family with, nor will he be for a long time to come. So giving it a few months, years etc isn't going to ruin chances of future happiness for either of you.

For your son, I think you should stay, for now, at least.

Sorry missed your update, but my view remains the same.

@lostinthislife
OP please continue your antidepressants and see a different counsellor, the one you have now doesn't seem to be working and you can request a new one. You've taken some really good decisions and steps e.g. reaching out for help on here, speaking to your boyfriend, and putting wedding on hold to remove the pressure.

The key here is your mental health. Forget men. Stop thinking a man will provide your ultimate happiness, NO man will or is able to. You won't be happy until mental health is stabilised so please let it be your priority.
Sorry to hear you've felt suicidal
Please be kind to yourself
Also speak to the Samaritans. They're available waiting in phones 24/7 and you can ring how ever often you like. I'm sure you love your toddler very much, things are just understandably hard right now.

No matter what happens, there is always hope

Being on my own 20 years not through choice, if feels wrong what you describe.
Not what I’d want

I base lots of my life decisions on a cost/ benefit basis. Does this situation take more than it gives? Applied to jobs, friendships, hobbies etc. At the end of the day, only you can decide to stay, or to go. If you decide to stay , give it 100% effort, because it be a real bummer if your husband made the decision that you’re not worth it, as you seem to have one foot out of the relationship. I don’t know if that makes sense, but good luck

I think you've got a whole lot of working on yourself to do more than anything else. Your problem stems from using relationships to validate yourself constantly for the last 10 years. So, from 15, you've never taken the time to find out who you are as an individual. No surprise you don't have opinions, know what to think or do in life.
But yet, you are not considering leaving to find yourself, no, you are hankering after an immediate replacement, which achieves nothing for self growth and puts you in exactly the same position, but minus the house, the comfort and your child's love and respect.
The other problem is that you clearly are undergoing a MH crisis, not the time to find someone else. There are plenty of dodgy men are out there who will spot your weaknesses and use them to manipulate you, you are highly unlikely to find a good one the state you are in at present.
Another factor in this, is having a young child, there could still be some PND going on, but also I remember coming out from a 2 year mumsy identity, with a strong sense of finding me again, that's quite normal I think. I went from comfy mum gear to being quite trendy - in my usual atrernative way. ( I've since swapped that for practical dog walking gear ).
I did have to ditch my son's father at that point, but my situation was not the same. I had a life of work and mothering and nothing else, my partner refused to look after his own son, so I could go out and socialize as he decided it was my job to stay home and look after him unless working - totally fine for him to go out as much as he liked. He was also a shit dad.
If you're DP is fine about you taking time out for yourself, then stick with it for now and do that. Whether it's gym, going out with mates, a walk in the country, some hobby. I love going to gigs.
We've all been restricted on that of late. But you can find yourself while being in this relationship I feel, more than you ever would by just getting a replacement, as your DP is probably more willing to support you to do you're own thing.
Being a single mum and strapped for cash is a very hard life, it's not one I would of done but for actually protecting my DS. If his father was not controlling and not an alcoholic, it would not have been worth it. Work on yourself as much as each other. I hope you find yourself, not lust for another, find out what you like doing that doesn't involve a man.