I know it’s early days but tell me it gets easier.

[Californiansunsets]

DH and I split up this week. I found out he was cheating. He told me today he doesn’t know if he loves her, or if he will be with her further down the line.

I was with him for 36 years, married for 31. I am devastated even though he treated me badly, I just can’t turn my feelings off.

I keep thinking if them together, it was a week ago today I found out. I’m struggling today.

I keep thinking my life is going to be so shit without him, we will never go in holiday together, he won’t be holding my hand anymore, I won’t receive flowers from him anymore.

I’m 50 and I just don’t see a future without him.

I actually wish I could just sleep forever.

Try to focus on you. I know it’s easy to say but try not to focus on the, what is it with her, why wasn’t I good enough, etc. etc. You will have many amazing qualities, unfortunately it just suits his narrative to see you in the dimmest light. Don’t let him do this to you. Find your strength in concentrating on you. You have a wide circle of friends, that says everything about you. He doesn’t have any - that speaks volumes of him. All he has at the moment is a relationship built on lies and deceit, with a much younger woman. It will unravel in time.

Thanks everyone, he has been really horrible the past couple of days. As I’m not playing ball and he is losing control he has said he isn’t agreeing to the separation agreement that has been signed and handed in to the solicitor (he didn’t get a solicitor as he didn’t want to pay for one even though he was advised to get one). The separation agreement has already been registered so if he wants to challenge it, he “better have deep pockets” according to my solicitor.

Our youngest DS (16) is very angry with him, and whenever ex texts or phones (which isn’t often) him he doesn’t bother to reply. Tonight, ex contacted him by text and said he knows he is angry but he has done what he had to do to make him happy. This resulted in DS sending him a very angry text. I’ve told DS to calm down and not reply anymore tonight as he may say things he regrets later, he told me he will regret nothing as he can’t be bothered with his dad and couldn’t care less if he ever saw him again. I’m sure he will change his mind.

He hasn’t bothered with the kids at all really,, since he left he has seen them for about 4 hours in total and he left on the 26th April.

It’s not as if he doesn’t have time not to see them as he has plenty of time to go golfing and spend time with OW.

Oldest son was standing behind him in the supermarket yesterday and he was on his phone, DS said he could see he was texting OW as it had her name and lovehearts on the message.

He has now left me his keys, so I don’t have to think about him just popping in although I’m sure he will.

I just cannot wait to get this mortgage sorted and I can move on with my life. I still cry but at least it’s not as bad as it was before, I more angry now.
I do however feel sad that I don’t have someone love me the way a husband/partner should love a wife/partner if that makes any sense? Maybe this is because he has been in my life for so long, I don’t know?

You've had some amazing advice on this thread OP. The vipers of MN are brilliant!
Just try and pace yourself. You're on a long journey and you need to slow down and invest in yourself.
It sounds like you have a good connection with your DC but try not to talk to them too much about what they've seen and heard. They need your support and to find their own way.
You're doing so well 💐

Thank you. I have tried to encourage them to speak to their dad and the oldest snd youngest do but DS2 just isn't interested. He says his dad has never bothered with them he worked away alot so it doesn't feel any different from before. I'm sure he will come round in time, but he can be very stubborn like his dad!

I do have good days when I'll forward to my future and other days where I think I cant go on but I'm trying to keep strong.

@Californiansunsets I've been where you are now but I'm 5 years on from this point now. My exH is still with OW who is 21 years younger than him but it's still incandescently angry that I got 50% of everything (we'd been together for 28 years and married for 26 when we separated) he's not a happy man and his plans to retire early have gone out the window as the OW is now pregnant so at the age of 52 he'll be starting again with nappies. I on the other hand am so much happier, I've had time to focus on my career since we separated, have my own house and can do what I want, have a comfortable life and a new partner (met 18 months after the separation) we don't live together just spend weekends together and that suits me down to the ground.

With regard to the not sleeping, I have to say that it took a good 6 months to get over the initial shock and I was like you shocked at the anger shown towards me but I figure now it was because he never really intended his life to end up like this. I think he wanted sex and fun with a younger woman and didn't intend to have to leave his comfortable life.

Our eldest cut contact with him about a year after our separation due to his abuse of her because she wouldn't accept OW (who is only 3 years older than her) our youngest see's him once a month approximately for dinner. He couldn't be bothered with the effort of keeping up a proper relationship with her in the early months as he was too busy having fun and kept dropping her when he had a better offer for something fun to do so she rarely bothers with him now.

One thing I would absolutely recommend is for you to find a counsellor you feel comfortable with (make sure it is someone actually accredited as you can call yourself a counsellor). Mine was a Psychotherapist and she really helped me to unpick my thoughts and helped me see the unhealthy parts of our relationship. Mine also took me through something called breaking the ties or something like that which helps sever the emotional connection and left me feeling much more positive.

I do have good days when I'll forward to my future and other days where I think I cant go on but I'm trying to keep strong.

you have actually come so far.. without perhaps realising.. 🎉🌸

@redastherose

Great post.

OP, you have come far.

Your husband is so nasty, it will be a miracle if any relationship with his children survive.

I agree with @red that his anger is because he is no longer in control.

I think he wanted the affair but not to lose his choices.

The financial hit will pain him forever and impact him thus.

The number of men over the years that find themselves with new babies because of a younger affair that they never wanted is huge.

I certainly worked with quite a number of 2nd relationships where they quickly had new babies even though the men hadn't had ANY interest in their first children.
Their 2nd wives were ruthless with them and it was a source of huge amusement to me and some female colleagues how miserable they looked within a year of dumping first wives and moving on.

I thing therapy would be invaluable to you to process all that has happened.

I think you will realise he was a shite husband and partner and actually finding out about his affair was the best thing that could have happened for YOU.

Life is going to get better.
You'll see.

@BlueDaises is right, op, you have come so far. You are getting there slowly but surely. It's not pleasant and I know you have struggled, but the fact that you are now angry shows you're at the next stage. You will emerge from this stronger than ever.
Keep taking one hour, one day at a time. I agree with pp about investing in yourself. It's all about you now and who's going to look after you better, than you ? Do those small things for yourself that will make you feel better.
You have got this.
( Regarding the children, my sister was the ow and now lives with the AF. His 5 children have wanted nothing to do with him. He's in so much pain over this. It's such a sad situation. He made his bed, though. It's the children I feel for. I'd be lost without my son. It's such a high price to pay ' to be happy').

Thanks everyone, please don’t get me wrong he wasn’t bad all the time, but when he was good, he was good but he was bad, he was bad. He has been violent and aggressive in the past but has never hit me, he has punched holes in walls, put his fist through a window, smashed up furniture, but he thinks that’s okay because he hasn’t actually hit me.
He would sometimes stonewall me for days on end and I wouldn’t know what I had done, but there were good times too. I’m trying to think of the bad times which I will admit wasn’t all the time.

He was very money orientated (but no financial abuse) and I would worry if there wasn’t enough money in the bank as I know he would get annoyed. This part is laughable because he was the main earner, he has no responsibilities except his car, and maintenance money. The other day when we were arguing, he was saying he hates is life and he only has £120 to his name 😳. Eh that’s not my problem!

billy1966 he can’t have anymore children, I wonder if OW knows this though as she was actively trying for a baby in 2019 with her husband and had a miscarriage November 2019.

I just want this over and done with now, I just want to be able to say I don’t need to see or speak to him ever again.

I am concentrating on myself but it is difficult. I am enrolled for a college course to start in August which I’m nervous about but looking forward to. Starting to think about things I would like to get done to the house and I have a few nights out arranged for the next few months.

Actually just thinking as well, before I found out about them (but had suspicions) he was saying she was telling him about her depression about her losing her baby and how her husband wasn’t supportive of her. This is the exact same scenario with his other affair. OW told him she lost a baby, her partner and her family weren’t supportive of her and she went into a depression.
For the past couple of weeks I have been thinking he is a bit manipulative, as these 2 OW will have been in vulnerable positions as it will be devastating to lose a baby and to me it seems as if he has taken advantage of that?

Then when I think when he had previously downloaded Tinder (dont know if he had a profile, as I don’t know how tinder works), I’m just thinking he is nothing but a creepy sleazy man!

OP,
As others have written, the next 12 months will be a serious of flashbacks, reinterpretations, and down right revelations about your relationship and the truths you avoided facing.

You will realise that finding out was the best thing that could have happened to you whilst you are still a woman in her prime and able to have a wonderful, happy, fulfilling future.

But am I in my prime billy1966? I’m 50, now I’m not saying I’m looking for another partner, that’s the furthest thing from my mind but by the time I’m looking to maybe start dating again, I’m going to be probably 52+. I just don’t think anyone would want me, plus I have stretch marks and a flabby belly 🤷🏻‍♀️

You're only young, @Californiansunsets. I'm 54 and I think of myself as young. Granted, if I were to find myself single, I don't think they'd been knocking the door down, but I've got many positive attributes, as I'm sure you have.
It is possible to find someone, if that's what you wanted.

Of course you are in your prime.

When you find the time, space and strength to think of yourself and the stress of this passes, you will start thinking about you and what you want.

Positivity will return without carrying this awful abusive angry man.

Getting fitter is a great way to expand your circle.

Just thought I'd check in with you so see how you are?

Hope you're doing ok.

Hi VivaVegas I’m doing better than I was, but there are still days when I’m so sad about it all. Mostly it’s anger now.

There was one incident in February (Ive had suspicions about them since November) and he was making me feel as if I was toxic and was being really horrible and basically saying I was pulling him and the family down. This was because I had checked out her fb page and I told him I checked out her fb page, then I find she had blocked me. He told her I had looked at her fb as he said he thought she would be able to tell????? He was giving her the heads up.

Anyway, he was making me out to be a problem, nothing was going on she was just a colleague, telling me I was dragging the family down and I started to believe it. I kept saying to myself I was a problem, I was bad for my marriage, bad for him, bad for my kids. The day after all this happened, I sent him a text message asking him to say sorry to her for me, I shouldn’t have looked at her fb. He made me feel so toxic and bad that I actually sent him a message saying I was going to walk away from everyone as I was no good to anyone. I still have those t3xt messages.

When I think of that day, I get really mad. It makes me so angry that he did this.

My youngest son (16) had an argument with him the other day by text message. Of course he didn’t like that and has told our son he can make things so much worse and he has to butt out 😠😠. Said he isn’t contacting our son again and will wait for him to make first contact……unbelievable.

I know I’m well rid, and I know now one day I will be happier. I do however, wish him a miserable life.

Thank you for checking up on me xx

@Californiansunsets, it was despicable of him to make you feel like that. I was so sad reading that. Vile.
I'm with you. I wish him nothing but misery.

Amdone123 Yeah it was vile, I was looking through all the messages and I had forgotten about that day but when I read the messages I remembered it and it was like a punch in the stomach.

He has been saying to our oldest son he was unhappy because I wasn’t ambitious enough. Such bullshit, he’s just a dick.

I know it's not easy but you are well rid.
A very good friend went through this and she had been with her ex-husband for nearly 4 decades whom she absolutely adored.
The bastard put her through sheer hell and finally after 4 years realised what he had had and wanted her back.

Not a chance and now he's on his own in a really shitty house and broke. She on the other hand is doing really well.

Yes I am thinking more and more that I’m well rid Notmoresugar.

I would love for him to be miserable and on his own and broke but I honestly don’t think that will happen. He does has a good job and he is really good at his job.
I think he will buy property and rent it out/do it up then sell and try to make money that way. So I don’t think he will be short of a bob or 2. In 3 years he will be able to take a lump sum of his pension so he will have that to use as well, and will be working loads of overtime to build his pension up.

I’ve found out through my son he is travelling all over the country, doing lots of hillwalking (he says he is going himself, but I don’t believe that)….that was things we had planned to to do. Doesn’t have much imagination does he? Wonder if OW knows that was our plans!

Has has told one of his friends that he works with that we have separated. Now baring in mind OW works with them and is a manager, his friend actually said to him “is it anything to do with ?” Ex said no she is just a friend. It was his friends wife that told me this as I bumped into her when in town the other day. So he’s lying to his friends as well. Lying left, right and centre to everyone.

Wonder why he's lying. Must be ashamed of himself.
Anyway, I hope you have a good day op. You'll get there. Try not to think of them today. Think of yourself and how you can have a great life.
P.s You can still go hill walking. And you'll have no one to slow you down.

It would have been me that slowed him down I’m afraid. I’m not as fit as him or her, she has 2 Personal trainers.

I don’t know why he is lying either, I’m thinking it’s either embarrassment or it will be frowned upon in there work, not sure if there could be repercussions for either of them, there would be a conflict of interest with him and her having a relationship due to her position in the company, I suppose some people could say he could get favourable treatment.

When we split up, my ex said I would have no life, I would be stuck at home (my friends don’t really have the funds to go out so we would always do nights in each other’s houses), I would never be able to go away on holiday, again this is because my friends don’t have the available funds to allow this. He said no one would ever want me because I’m 50 and guys don’t want older women, they are looking for young women, he said no one would want me because I suffer from cold sores and I do remember a couple of threads on here where a lot of people were saying they wouldn’t date anyone you suffered from cold sores. He would always mention my weak bladder where I would need to pee all the time, and my IBS and I’m thinking I won’t ever get someone else (not that I’m going to be looking, but I would like to think someone would look at me and maybe be interested) do you know what I mean

WOW. This guy is a nasty piece of work. Who on earth leaves someone, and knowing they are devastated, tries to make them feel worthless? On top of being cruel, he has an anger problem. He sounds like a really horrible man, and you can't see how bad he is, because he's all that you have known. My 1st H was a bit like this. We were together 20 years, and he was my first partner, so it was all I had known. My now DH would never say or do these things.

I think you're going to get a very nice surprise when you do start dating again, and you meet someone much kinder then your Ex. You will be with someone your own age, having fabulous adult only holidays, and your Ex will be confined to All Inclusive hotels full of screaming kids. He will also be on the school run until he's 65. Ha! Quite funny really.

Bluedeblue that’s quite funny when you think of it like that.

No one in the family think it will last, they think it’s just a novelty just now as we all have a feeling her ex husband has the little girl every other weekend. Once the move in together and I’m sure that will happen at some point things will be very different.

He never bothered with his own kids, it was me that did all the parenting and even his family say that too, so it will be interesting to see how things change when he is round her child more. One thing he can’t be dealing with is screaming kids and he could never deal with that.

Just wanted to tell you that when I was 50 people used to say there was more chance of being killed by a terrorist than meeting a nice partner.
Guess what, at just over 50 I met a wonderful man who I’ve been married to for 19 very happy years. Yes, with a flabby belly and wrinkles.
If you can afford too spend money on your hair, face, anything that makes you look and feel better. Forget the useless lump and concentrate on liking yourself. Stand tall and be proud of your children and everything you have achieved. My best wishes.