I know it’s early days but tell me it gets easier.

[Californiansunsets]

DH and I split up this week. I found out he was cheating. He told me today he doesn’t know if he loves her, or if he will be with her further down the line.

I was with him for 36 years, married for 31. I am devastated even though he treated me badly, I just can’t turn my feelings off.

I keep thinking if them together, it was a week ago today I found out. I’m struggling today.

I keep thinking my life is going to be so shit without him, we will never go in holiday together, he won’t be holding my hand anymore, I won’t receive flowers from him anymore.

I’m 50 and I just don’t see a future without him.

I actually wish I could just sleep forever.

You will learn to do all these things, you tube is great 👍

What I did regards getting jobs done, I saved a few jobs up looked on check a trade and organised a guy to do everything in one go. Saved me wasting money on labour charges

Thank you again everyone, I had a right good cry with my friend yesterday and she has also said to YouTube everything. It’s just time to stand on my own 2 feet.

I’m concerned about the house as it needs a bit of work done to it. I’m wondering if when I’m getting his part of the mortgage if I should ask for more money to get things done to the house (it needs new central heating, new bathroom and kitchen). If I were to save up myself or get it, it will take me years. I’m not sure what to do there? Any advice?

A good cry is sometimes what is needed, good to get it all out.

If you plan to buy him out then the house will need to be valued in its current condition which should take into account anything that needs doing fo it.

While we still had a joint mortgage but he had moved out he refused to pay any of the mortgage and also wouldn't pay anything towards a couple of things that needed money spent during that time.
When we did our financial agreement these factors were taken into consideration.

We don’t currently have a mortgage and the amount he needs to get is such a small amount and I have loads of equity (we have had a valuation done on the property) I’m just not sure whether I should borrow more to get this work done? It’s just another thing I don’t need to worry about x

That's a good position to be in.

If I were you I'd not worry about it now, get yourself sorted and then once the divorce and financial consent order are all completed take your time to decide what you want to do.

You have enough to think about now, what you may want to do with the house can be decided at a later date, with a clearer head and completely on your terms.

I feel so alone today and I’m feeling really worthless and I guess scared.

When we split up, my ex said I would have no life, I would be stuck at home (my friends don’t really have the funds to go out so we would always do nights in each other’s houses), I would never be able to go away on holiday, again this is because my friends don’t have the available funds to allow this. He said no one would ever want me because I’m 50 and guys don’t want older women, they are looking for young women, he said no one would want me because I suffer from cold sores and I do remember a couple of threads on here where a lot of people were saying they wouldn’t date anyone you suffered from cold sores. He would always mention my weak bladder where I would need to pee all the time, and my IBS and I’m thinking I won’t ever get someone else (not that I’m going to be looking, but I would like to think someone would look at me and maybe be interested) do you know what I mean.

I just feel as if I’m only worth all the lies he has told me, and I’m not worth anything else, and I know people have said I shouldn’t think about that and that’s nothing on me but says everything about him, but I just can’t get rid of these feelings. I just feel so sad today.

@Californiansunsets

I am unable to take away your feeling of worthlessness as anything I say won't make you feel any differently, however I'd like to say this..

You have a purpose. You really are not worthless and you sound like a lovely person. Have you ever watched first dates? There are always lots of "older" couples on there, who aren't even old... anyways, they are usually divorced and they never seem to be looking for a younger woman.

Could you maybe join some groups to make some friends who you could go away with? Even if it's in the UK? Or just plan a few ladies nights round each other's houses for the time being?

I know you feel alone, but that's because you're stuck with these emotions at the moment. You're not alone. Please believe me xxxx

Wow what a shit he is, to belittle someone like that.
Have you thought of getting therapy? You can do it online but it might be very useful to go in person face to face. It'd be an objective supportive relationship outside your family. Might help your self esteem and be a weekly anchor point while you go through this.

I'm a similar age as you.

My ex too told me that I would be on my own for the rest of my life and that nobody would want me.

He was wrong. I had a year on my own after we split. Friends were trying to persuade me that I should start dating for a distraction but I wasn't ready, my confidence was low and I'd obviously not been in the dating game for over 25 years!

During that year I had lots of counselling. I joined my local running club, I went on a few Meet Up meetings and I volunteered at a couple of major sporting events. I'd never done anything like that before.

I lent on my existing friends, arranged nights out, weekends away and I cried on their shoulders. I nurtured new friendships and found some friends I previously wasn't that close to who were amazing and I now have strong friendships with.

After just over a year I braved online dating. Scary as hell! I've since been on quite a lot of first dates, had a lovely 6 month relationship with a really nice guy that ran its course and have now been seeing someone else for 6 months.

But I have no desire to live with someone for the foreseeable future, I've found my independence, pandemic aside I've carved out a new life for myself and you will too.

But to reassure you that how you feel is normal. After 3 years I still have bad days (much less often) I'm still sad, I hate that I've lost my family and I hate that now I don't see my son every day now. I also detest him and the OW for all that they did and all that they destroyed.

It's early days for you, it will be hard. But the good days will become more than the bad days. It won't be the first and last thing you think about every day.

Thank you. My friends tell me I will feel better, but I just don’t see it (I suppose everyone feels like that). I’ve got a large group of friends, and they are brilliant but my closest friends just can’t afford weekends away or holidays abroad. Saying that ex doesn’t have any friends, he will only have OW and her friends and I think they all have young kids, my Ex just can’t be bothered with that, or maybe he will be bothered with her kids, who knows.

I just don’t understand what happened, I’m so confused we had such a lovely life together, no money worries, made plans for travelling etc. My friend says he is so angry with me because I’ve disrupted all his plans for the future ie having me and her and him still having all his home comforts. I know for a fact it really gets him that he will have to work for longer as he was hoping to retire in the next 5-10 years and he probably won’t be able to do that now.

I just don’t understand why he didn’t think we were worth working on, and I guess it’s something that I will never get answered. I know I should move away from all these questions and feelings but I just can’t.

I also dream about my ex every single night, all different types of dreams but it’s happening every night!

I’ve got an appointment with the doctors next week for an STI check just to be safe. I sit thinking where did he get the stamina from as we were certainly still having sex, infact when I went on HRT I couldn’t get enough, and he certainly wasn’t refusing it 🤷🏻‍♀️.

The more you tell us about your husband the more I think OW has done you a huge favour.

He sounds like a self absorbed narcissistic twat, he had sucked your self esteem dry and in his quest to have his fragile ageing ego stroked he has moved on to his next victim. He hoped it would make him feel better. But it hasn't, if anything it has made things worse as he has now lost his self respect, and that if his family.

He probably hoped he could have you both, or at least you would remain on the sidelines, begging for him to come home. But you haven't (go you!) This is why he is punishing you further with his cold cruel attitude.

When you are feeling worthless remember its not you, its him. You are in the same club as Halle Berry, Beyonce, Jennifer Aniston and hundred of thousands of other strong and beautiful women.

You can learn to do anything you put your mind to, and if you don't want to do it, get a man, or lady in who can.

I hope your good days get more frequent. Take time to treat yourself and practise self care, even if it's just having a lovely long bath, you certainly deserve it

You know Pastryapronsucks I can’t imagine a life without him and I suppose there was a little (tiny) bit of hope that we would be able to salvage something but now, absolutely no chance. I’m afraid I still love him, but I have no respect for him whatsoever. He has shown what a cold callous coward he is.
I said to myself the other day if I did get back with him it would be for the wrong reasons (financial and the fear of being lonely and not coping). I need to stand on my own 2 feet. I am surrounded by strong independent women and I remember after the last time he cheated on me I hated myself for not being strong. It’s time to be that strong person I admire in my sister, my friends, my cousins.

I’ve been thinking I would like a career change, but need to go to university but I don’t have my Maths certificate. I need to go back to school to get that, maths is my weakest subject. I’m definitely not telling ex I’m going to be doing that, he will have a laugh if I don’t succeed and I’m sure that will give him and the OW something else to laugh at.

That’s another thing that bothers me. I keep thinking of the things he said to me, made me out to be crazy and I keep thinking did him and OW have a laugh at that? Did she have a laugh at me when she was shagging my husband, and did he have a laugh when he was shagging her, did he laugh at her husband?

You will never know what they were laughing at, and it doesn't matter so long as YOU have the last laugh. And you will.
Good for thinking about the future. Look into the maths qualification you need. Get a tutor if you have to ( incidentally, I hated maths at school. Failed my O level. I then went on a course to teach maths and I loved it. I realised it was the way I was taught it that failed me. ). Sorry for going off on a tangent ( no pun intended!)
What I'm saying is you don't know what you can do til you try. Don't tell him anything, he doesn't need to know. Forget all those digs and horrible things he said about you. They're not true. Start making a list now of all your good points. Keep it on you and when you have a wobble, get it out and read it.
You will get through this.

Every time he put you down - that was to control you, it was to damage your self esteem so you didn't think anyone else would want you and so you would feel like you had to stay with him and he was the best you could get. He did this because he knew from experience how easy to was to cheat and he didn't want you doing what he was. When he made you think you were crazy he was gas lighting you - again to make you doubt yourself as a way of controlling you.

He is now very angry with you, appearing to hate you and blaming you for everything - no matter what you do it will be wrong. This is so he can 'prove' to himself that he has done the right thing in leaving and not just lost the best thing in his life. He needs to hate you because he's so afraid it might all be a terrible mistake.

Why is he denying the affair? - because he desperately would like to keep the door ajar with you, his security blanket he thought would always be available to him. One day he'll realise he really regrets losing that warm, loving blanket I'm sure of it.

Tal45 I think he is denying it because he thinks everyone will believe him, but no one believes him, and I’ve told him that. I’m sure he is worried about his precious OW and if she will be accepted into the family? I’m sure she will be tolerated but they will know what she is like and what she is capable of....exactly the same as him.

The door to me is well and truly closed and it cannot be opened again. I’m just trying to find another door to open for me.

@Tal45, that's a great point about him trying to make himself feel better by painting op in a bad light. @Californiansunsets, next time you have to see him, could you fake it til you make it. I'm not advocating mind games but play a curveball - act happy, content, nonchalant. Show him how strong you are. Because you are !

Op your ex is yet by to justify what he has done. Trust me not all 50 year old men (or women) want to be lumbered with a 35 year old and their 5 year old child. He will be up the creak very soon. He will be an old man with a stripey teenager, November he is angry and lashing out.

OP ive been following this thread since page 1 and I absolutely feel your pain. But you really really have to slowly stop obsessing about WHAT your ExH and OW may or may not think. You have NO way of knowing that OW even gives a fxck about being accepted by ExH family. Maybe they both dont care anymore nd want to gallop off into the sunset together..it really shouldnt matter to you. I feel youre distracting yourself with all these scenarios in your head because that maybe might be easier than facing the severity of the situstion YOU currently are in.
Like I said. I feel for you, but I really dont see how obsessing about what he and OW maybe laugh or laughed at is going to help you move forward an inch. You really need to work on coming to terms with your new solo reality. And maybe getting into counselling ASAP

Sampafie I know your right, I just can’t seem to stop thinking about them. His family are my family, I’ve always been closer to his family (my parents are dead now). I just feel I will lose everything, but as I said I know your right I need to stop all this thinking.

I would like counselling but I can’t afford it and I’ve been told there is a massive waiting list.

@Californiansunsets the fact he is stooping to insult you, when all this is his fault, is despicable

He is the loser with no friends and you have many

Well done for being proactive and seeing your GP, hopefully a few decent nights sleep will give you some strength

Rosie Green is worth a follow and also has a book, I’ve found it really helpful

He sounds a total bellend

When you find out about something like this you feel foolish, doubtvyour own judgement and wonder 'who else knew,' imI think that's why you feel so concerned about what others think and if people are laughing at you.

Your 'husband's and the OW dont count, we know their judgement is not worth a bean. But as far as others, just consider what you would think if you heard that a long term couple had split due to the man getting involved with a younger woman. It wouldnt be the wife you would be laughing at would it?

Regarding his family, it is very hard. My suggestion would be to try and keep channels of communication open with them, without trashing him, even if they do. Chances are as time goes on they will forgive him (blood is thicker than water) so try and think long term.

You have got this

Well I haven’t cried for a couple of days so that’s good. He got the separation agreement from my lawyer yesterday morning and has signed it straight away....he obviously wants this done and dusted, so I just need to get a mortgage now.

My friends were over the other night for a few hours and it was really good fun. I thought as there would be alcohol involved I would be upset and crying, but I wasn’t. One thing I don’t miss is he would always complain about the weather, I remember I would dread it when the weather was going to be bad for a few days because I knew all I would hear from him was moaning about the rain BUT, I still miss him.

I go from between really angry to being really sad. I think about all the things he has said to me over the last few months when I was suspicious. He would say to me “are you actually listening to yourself”, “you seriously need help”. “you need to go to the doctors”, and the best one “i am so disgusted by your behaviour and the way you are acting”.

He hasn’t really seen our kids but, he picks the oldest one up for work. Last night oldest DS asked him what brought all this on. Ex replied it’s been going on for a very long time. He also told DS he was very happy now and this is the happiest he has been in a very long time. I told DS this is all news to me, I didn’t know how unhappy ex was. He was certainly telling me all the right things before I found out about him and OW.

I guess I’m just feeling numb now, numb and sad and angry.

Saying how unhappy he’s been for a long time is a classic part of The Script. Just rewriting history to justify their actions.

Glad you’ve had a nice time. Having great friends must be such a help!