I know it’s early days but tell me it gets easier.

[Californiansunsets]

DH and I split up this week. I found out he was cheating. He told me today he doesn’t know if he loves her, or if he will be with her further down the line.

I was with him for 36 years, married for 31. I am devastated even though he treated me badly, I just can’t turn my feelings off.

I keep thinking if them together, it was a week ago today I found out. I’m struggling today.

I keep thinking my life is going to be so shit without him, we will never go in holiday together, he won’t be holding my hand anymore, I won’t receive flowers from him anymore.

I’m 50 and I just don’t see a future without him.

I actually wish I could just sleep forever.

Yep mine had been unhappy for years apparently. Funny how they never mentioned their unbearable unhappiness to anyone, especially their wife 🤔

When I questioned this I was told I should of noticed how unhappy he was, and that he didn't tell me as I'm hard to talk too.

Clearly always someone else's fault!

Good friends are very important now, glad you had a nice time!

VivaVegas, YES I was told the exact same thing, “its too difficult to talk to you “. 😂😂😂 OMG they all read from the same script lol!

Yep, mine said that too!

Mine had same script. Also couldn't understand why i was “pretending to be so upset “ as I had known all along about the OW apparently (news to me).
But nice to know that i was losing 2 stone, seeing a psychiatrist, taking anti depressants, etc just to make him feel guilty!
Cock!

100% it gets easier. Life does this shit to us, we are all fine and in some sort of comfort zone and then it gets swept from under your feet. Just examples but, my friend who’d been happy for forty years her fella had an aggressive cancer and she lost him in a month . My brother has buried 2 of his children, and another friend found out her husband was a paedophile . You can begin to try and imagine what they went through at the time, I promise you they are all getting on with it now. Sure , they never quite recover or live in the same blissful haze of emotional comfort but I actually think they have processed that shit now and and manage to appreciate things in life more if that makes sense? They’re tougher and more determined to draw positivity back towards themselves. This is a really shit time for you but you’ll get through it . You’ll come out the other side and who knows what’s waiting for you? Process it , allow yourself to grieve the future you thought you’d have but then go and find your new one. Our lives don’t end because a relationship did , our time with someone wasn’t a waste because it ended badly , if you were happy at the time then it was time we’ll spent. When that ends for any reason , then it’s gone . Find someone else , start a new chapter . There isn’t time for anything else . I wish you the best of luck , my stepdad has got someone lovely and he’s a cigarette paper off 70 now :) he’s just cool and interesting so eventually found someone . Youve 20 years on him :)

Thank you Nats1984 I wish it was a year from now (I know I shouldn’t wish my life away) so I could be in a happier place. You are right my life won’t end because my relationship ended. I just need to learn to live without him which is difficult as he has been in my life for 36 years and as I said he has walked away from everything, he hardly sees our kids, doesn’t text or phone them, it is like he is a single man (whether he is seeing OW or not I don’t know). At the age of 52 he has no responsibilities, he has majority of his wages he can do what he wants when he wants with who he wants, and I’m left here to deal with everything else........who’s the strong one, it certainly isn’t him that’s for sure.

@Californiansunsets, well you're correct. The strong was isn't him. It's you. Your kids aren't stupid, they'll know who the strongest is.
And no, don't wish your life away, you don't have to. But, I bet my bottom dollar that this time next year, you'll be so much happier.

californiansunsets just thought I'd see how you are doing?

Yes, I was thinking about you just this morning, op, how are you doing ?

I hope things are slowly getting better for you OP. He sounds awful.

Hi everyone, thank you for checking in on me. I was doing well, but tonight I heard a song that we both like and every time I hear this song it automatically reminds me if him, and I’ve cried non stop.

If he was as unhappy as he said he was to our oldest DC it has just made a mockery of the memories we made the last couple of years. We went on what I thought was a special holiday for our 30th wedding anniversary, and I thought it was brilliant, it was honestly (to me) the best holiday we had ever had, it was just the 2 of us, and now the memories of that holiday are completely ruined. I don’t think he was unhappy before he became involved with OW but you never know.

He told our oldest he couldn’t pick him up from work at the weekend as he was being sent away for work, he also told his mum this (he stays with his mum) but he wasn’t working at the weekend. Oldest DC met one of his work colleagues and mentioned about his dad working away that weekend, but colleague said no one was working the weekend!!!
He was prob with OW, and I wonder if she knows he is still lying about everything? Maybe he wasn’t with her, who knows, it’s nothing to do with me, and I haven’t said anything to him, that’s his business.

I have days when I’m struggling and days when I’m good. On the days I’m good, I am excited for my future, on days when I’m struggling, I cry for the future I won’t have with him, then I remind myself of what he has done and the things he has said.

I hate what he has done to me, to us, to our family. I am so so tempted once all the financials are sorted to tell people in his work what he has done, because I know he will hate that. The only thing that stops me is thinking of his mental health, but then, he didn’t think of my mental health when he seen me struggling for months, not sleeping, not eating and lost a lot of weight.

I’m really down tonight but I haven’t been sleeping very well so I don’t know if that’s playing a factor in it. I’ve been comfort eating, and although I’ve lost a lot of weight, I really needed to lose weight so I don’t want to start putting it back on.

Someone said to me “there is a whole other world out there waiting for you. You take this time to heal, focus on you, your kids, your friends, what you want your future to look like. Live the the life you should have lived when you were young, and one day you will meet someone else and you will be stronger and wise and take no shit of anyone. You will enjoy your life because you are in charge” (that’s word for word what they said as they text me it lol, and I’m keeping that text).

I have to admit, I’m actually missing sex. I can’t believe I’m saying that but I really am 🤷🏻‍♀️. Ever since I went on HRT I can’t get enough of it. When I think of ex with the OW, I actually don’t know where he got th4 stamina from!

@Californiansunsets, good to hear from you. You're doing really well and all you are experiencing is completely normal I should think. You're bound to have good days and bad days, but you're much stronger than you think. You are going to make it !
Regarding him saying he was not happy, try not to take too much stock of this. He is trying to justify his behaviour because he feels terrible. Of course, he enjoyed those times and that special holiday with you ! No one can fake being happy for that length of time. He is saying, ' Well, yes, I do feel terrible for cheating and turning her life upside down, but I wasn't happy anyway...'
Even if he wasn't happy, did he go about it the right way ? No. So, if we're not happy, I am presuming we ignore it and go out and cheat, completely disregarding others in our life ? No, we don't. And he knows it. And the more he says it, the worse he feels.
Keep going, op. It will get better.

The words that someone said to you are so true, I was in your position 11yrs ago, now I don't put up with any shit, hand on heart I am loving my life now, I have my health, my own home, financially I am doing ok, a job I enjoy and my family who mean everything to me along with getting married again soon.

The exh has remarried, has no additional children with his wife now, has mobility problems and his martial kids with me do not want anything to do with him as he chose his wife now over his blood children - his choice.

I wouldn't change a thing. Take life a day at a time is my motto.

@doitwithlove, you've come a long way. Power to you.

Thank you, @Amdone123 your comment is very appreciated. It has not been plain sailing and involved having a bad relationship with alcohol that is now controlled, redundancy, disaster OLD chapters along with other issues but I have come out the other side. My gut feeling is what I rely on when the going gets tough.

Thankfully, the sun is shining here today, wishing you a good weekend x

doitwithlove I hope my life turns out as good as your sounds x

I’ve struggled this weekend, just been really sad and yes I admit I miss him although I wouldn’t go back with him. I’ve been crying a lot this weekend. Today I was crying and he came to the house to pick up some stuff from the garage. I didn’t know he was coming to the house, and he just walks in so he caught me crying.

He said “FFS are you still moping about, you have got to get over this and move on”!!!!!! I was so angry so we started arguing, I then said to him “at least I can hold my head up high, not like you and OW”. He then said to me “I can hold me head up high because I’ve done what I needed to do to make me happy”.

I couldn’t believe it, he had an affair to make him happy even though I would be devastated and he saw me go through turmoil for t months losing all that weight, not sleeping, being an emotional anxious wreck to make him happy……..unbelievable!

My friends daughter also saw him in Ann Summers last weekend. She didn’t see who he was with or what he bought. Of course I told him he was seen, he said it wasn’t OW as apparently her and her husband are trying to make a go of it!! Whether that’s true or not who knows and I don’t care. He said he was buying stuff for someone else 🤷🏻‍♀️.

He’s a prick!!!

Another thing I’m struggling with just now and it’s silly really but I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t have anyone to grow old with. He used to always say we were Ellie & Karl from the film UP and he got me a picture of them with a saying on it, and I can’t even look at it now.

I keep seeing old couples holding hands that won’t be us now 😞. I just feel so sad this weekend.

Oh my love, I am so sorry, what an absolute shit and c**t he is.
I haven't got time to write much now but been following yours and another thread very closely as I'm in exactly the same position as you at the moment.
I feel your pain, distress and heartache so very much as literally feeling all your same feelings and thoughts right now.
He needs locking out of your house and ditching from your life immediately.
I don't know where you've got to in the process of starting divorce proceedings but if there was ever time to do it, it's now!
Thinking of you, stay strong xx

Sorry to read about your situation. It’s probably already been said, but you are allowed to grieve for the life you thought you had and the life you thought you were going to have.

But those lives are not the reality. Your dh is a person who has cheated on you more than once - you know of two, but it is highly unlikely they were the only two. He is a person who has not behaved well to you since he was found out. He is a person who has belittled you in the past, and is also doing so now. He does not sound like a nice person. He is not the person you believed him to be. You deserve better than this. Allow yourself the time to grieve, then pick yourself up and move on. There is lots of life left to enjoy!

I think it’s also good to try to stop worrying about what he is doing. You are now separated and his life is nothing to do with you, as yours is nothing to do with him. This is easier said than done, but whether he has another 20 relationships is for him to decide.

It takes time to get to this point, but is much easier when it does.

You will get over this and have a happy life, I promise you. I’m 5 years on from your situation and I love my life. Trust in the process. Like @doitwithlove I drank every night for a year and cried. You have to go through the pain to get to the other side, it’s natural and a grieving process. Now I have a cordial relationship with my exDH and I no longer have any interest who he is seeing or what he is doing.

@Californiansunsets, I hope you're feeling a bit better this morning. There are some great posts on here and great advice from those who have been through it. I know you can only do it your way and in your own time, and that is fine but I think it's time to ban in from the house , to find your anger ( how dare he says those things?! Moping ?! He can hold his head high ?! He is deluded. And you can't argue with stupidity so I wouldn't even bother. He knows he is in the wrong).
Keep posting here, lovely, when you need to vent, or when you're feeling sad. You will get through it, but like a pp said, it will take time. He doesn't deserve you. You are worth a thousand of him. Look after yourself, lovely, and one day at a time.

Thanks everyone, I do read the posts on a regular basis to help me along the way.

I do have a dilemma. In a couple of weeks I have been invited to a social gathering, these friends are mutual friends of DH and I. These friends are disgusted by DH’s behaviour and have been a great support to me. They have told me DH is not invited (i have said if they want to invite him that’s absolutely fine as they were friends with him first and I just won’t go but they have said they are not inviting him). Another mutual friend has also been invited and this friend actually works with DH.

Apparently DH has not told anyone on his work we have separated (I don’t know why) so when I get to the party they are going to ask where DH is. Do I tell them we are separated and the reasons why? A few friends have said to say, and not to cover for him, that’s his problem. He should have thought of the consequences before he embarked on an affair.
What would you all do?

I should say the friend invited to the party may or may not ask DH if he has received an invite, but I’m not mentioning to DH that I have been invited as I tell him as little as possible about my life.